I Got My Hash Pipe

Nothing on Earth quite like knocking over a hash pipe. Because you're a wasted bastard hell-bent on picking up anything remotely black and crumbly. Ever unknowingly smoked dried black beans for six weeks? This MFer has.

Pregnancy Doom

I hope the wife never gets pregnant. There's no fucking WAY I could handle the responsibility of changing the litterbox by myself every day for nine months.

Camofail

I hate when I'm out hiking in my camouflage shorts and some idiot comes over and actually says HI to me. Wtf? How do these f***ing people even know I was there? Camo straight up sucks, I've decided. Our soldiers should be out fighting in skintight pink body suits with "shoot me" signs taped to their backs. Can't be any less effective than retarded camo.

Regarding Anger

Anger is one of the most unhealthy and unproductive of emotions. Worth bringing up, as many of my loyal reader are aware that I frown on most human emotion for those exact reasons.

...that said, in spite of my aversion to anger, I must be so exceptionally fucking good at it that I'm drawn to it - like Mozart good - or I must be surrounded by the most unreasonable fuckwads on the planet.  

Diarrhea

I don't have diarrhea; my toilet is just on one of those ten-fucking-thousand-small-watery-painful-meals-per-day diet plans.

Hangover Alert

If you own a Phillips Sonicare toothbrush and find yourself using it to brush your teeth without turning it on? You might be Jeff Foxworthy.