Random Realization

Is it weird that an iPhone user who's publicly disgusted with the Gaiden franchise writes under the pseudonym "Droid Hayabusa?" Hey - I give a fuck.

Comfort Zones

Top-level manager at work just now:

"Nice work in there...great to see people operating so well outside of their comfort zones."

Dude if ANY of you fruit loops had the slightest idea where my comfort zone was I would have been unemployed a long, long time ago.  The light leaving my comfort zone right at this moment will not reach this office for hundreds of thousands of years.

Aspartame Toxicity - Confirmed as Real Thing

Yeah, I always thought aspartame was harmless. I drink diet soda like retards drink Mountain Dew and I've never had any weird effects. That all changed Sunday, August 4, Year of Our Lord 2013.

Granted, this consumption session did not qualify as what you would call "reasonable usage" or even "safe usage." I drank four large diet cokes with lunch. Did you sip them over the course of an hour, D.H.? No. Not even close. I slammed them like a frat boy in a contest afraid of having to eat sperm if he lost. 

On the way home, roughly thirty minutes after starting the chugging, I first noticed I lost all depth perception. Then colors started going screwy. For a moment it was like viewing my world through an awesome Okami filter. Then the colors went away and it was 2D black n white. Then the vision started fading entirely.

I finished the drive home because I'm ballsy as fuck, but the incident did stick in my head. I've heard about these effects before, particularly amongst airline pilots. I always thought they were bullshit.

Moral of the story: they're not. 

New Post Format

I've been toying with the idea of allowing for more frequent updates by dramatically reducing the average post size. This iPhone app looks so easy to use I'm going to give it a go. We'll see how it works. Still hoping to maintain periodic lengthy posts and I have a few ideas for new series and whatnot...these will just allow for more blog activity. Hahaha fuck me, I just wrote about blog activity. What an idiot.

My New Phone

Ready to lose a nice chunk of readers, D.H.? Then let’s do this! Meet my new phone:

Sorry. Not a joke. This is not me jumping ship in the traditional sense: I’m still proud to rock the name Droid Hayabusa, and the Android platform is still near & dear to me. However. As much as I might love the Android platform, I’m objectively analytical enough to realize when the cards are - quite frankly - stacked against me. Being well aware that pride and stubbornness are traits that rarely pay off, I have no problem exploring my options.

As I did – in a huge way – a couple months ago.

Let me wind back the clock here a bit: I was first introduced to the Android platform roughly four years ago in the form of my first smartphone – a Droid X. I’d never really considered going the Apple route for one simple reason – I couldn’t get near the Apple store in our local mall here due to my “don’t come within 15 feet of a dude in skinny jeans” rule. But I happened to be in my Verizon’s store around contract renewal time and voila – I walked out with a shiny Droid X. Unlimited data for a cool $30/month.

First off – I was fascinated by what the phone could do. Just imagining apps and searching for them in the app store – I swear there was only ONE app I could imagine that didn’t already exist.

Side note: the only app I ever dreamt up – which I still would love to have – is a little gem called SPEED TRAP. Basically, it relies on a) your GPS, and b) a nationwide network of users. The way it would work: let’s say you’re out driving one day and you note an asshole cop parked on the side of the road pointing his radar gun at you and your innocent travelers. You’d reach for your phone, tap a widget on the homescreen, and your position would automatically be documented and dispersed to the entire network. In other words, you’d spot a speed trap, tap a button, and everyone else with the app on their phone would receive notice that an asshole cop was at such-&-such a location looking to ruin commutes for people; this would afford them the opportunity to adjust their driving accordingly. A good additional side note: to prevent annoying false alarms, it might be good to have a two-stage warning process; one user hits the widget and a “tentative” status alert is sent out. A second user hits the widget in the same location within a reasonable time frame and a “confirmed” status alert is sent out. Oh shit, that’s HOT. You could pare it down, choose which zip codes you want to receive alerts from…I’m a f***ing genius.

Anyways. What were we talking about? Oh yeah…Droid X, my first phone. Well, OK, here’s the thing – I manage money as a hobby/ exercise in critical thinking. One of the biggest selling points in the smartphone was that many of my accounts can be managed via various broker apps. Brilliant! …except the apps were slow and glitch-ridden, as it turned out. Very frustrating to lose money because the phone you paid a shit-ton of money for – in conjunction with the cellular service you’re paying shit-tons of money every month for (remember I was with VERIZON at this point) – isn’t working like it’s supposed to.

Now, those of you who have been smartphone users for the past four years or so will recall what first started happening shortly thereafter: the 4G networks started rolling out. What a game-changer! So awesome. Blinding-fast Internet? Oh hell yeah! What could possibly go wrong??

Now, my thinking was this – these apps I’m struggling with? They’re constantly pulling data from various brokerages as price changes; therefore, it’s most likely the fact that I’m only on 3G that causes these apps to be so laggy and glitch. Right? I fought the urge for as long as I could…but when Verizon/Motorola pumped out their first-ever 4G device – the Droid Bionic – I was there on launch day begging them to take my money (and yes, I was uneligible for an upgrade at this point so I had to open up a second line).

Well, that was almost an instant let-down. The Bionic – no two ways about it – sucked. Here are some major problems with it: while my Droid X battery lasted for on average thirty-six hours, the Bionic would take a full battery to the graveyard in under eight hours. Also? It wasn’t any faster than the X. YES, the data speeds were quicker to a degree; I could download a full-length audio album from the Amazon app in thirty seconds whereas before it took a full minute. Yawn! My money apps were still screwy and glitchy, and what I took away from all this: the data speed differences were – for my purposes – negligible. The problems I was experiencing had to do with the operational speed of the device.

Also – the headphone jack quit working in under two months. Piece of shit.

At this point I started going down the bottomless rabbit hole of looking for answers. I researched. I rooted. I ROMed. Found a couple so-so custom ROMs that helped slightly with battery speed. However, at this point, nothing caused an improvement dramatic enough to make me comfortable such that I’d be willing to put money on the line with only my smartphone to protect me from erratic market moves.

Then I started hearing whispers of a new Verizon 4G phone…the fabled Galaxy Nexus, rumored to be released in a few short months.

I read up. 4G? Check. Better processer? Check. Also…a pure android phone. In other words – most phones run on a hybrid of the Android platform and software provided by the device manufacturer. This was to be a device with NO manufacturer interference with the Android experience.

Too good to be true, right? Let me tell you: IT WAS. Three short GD months after opening up a new line to get a Bionic at a discount (still paid $350, thanks guys!) I’m in line at another Verizon on another launch day with another handful of hundred-dollar-bills waiting to get gouged.

Let me give you the Cliff’s notes version here:

1. Anyone experiencing an issue with smartphone battery life and subsequently decides to make the move TO a Galaxy Nexus is clearly retarded. Me included. The size & type of screen you’re looking at versus the size battery powering it is laughable. It’s the equivalent of trying to run a drive-in movie projector with a battery-powered Maglite.
2. All of my apps continued to fail me regularly.
3. I live in a relatively remote area, so…in addition to all of the above, the sub-par Samsung radios in the device kept me from placing or receiving phone calls. Apparently Motorola uses top-of-the-line radios in their phones; Samsung does not.

There’s probably other shit, I can’t remember. Want to know how retarded things got? I would wake up for work, unplug my fully-charged Galaxy Nexus from the charger, listen to some tunes on the way in, text my wife, and by lunchtime the phone would be announcing to me that the battery status was at 5% or less. I would open the settings menu up daily and the settings menu would confirm the following – DAILY:

1. 75% of my battery had been expended on lighting the screen.
2. I’d had a total of less than one hour of screen time.

Wasn’t even using auto-brightness, folks – I had the brightness cranked down manually so far that I could only read my screen in an absence of daylight.

So…that pissed me off.

Time went on. I rooted, custom ROMs, all that. ROMs worth noting as far as minor battery improvements: AOKP, Eclipse…maybe some others. Can’t remember. Eventually my work cell phone (a Blackberry) died and they offered to replace it with: “…an Android! If you want. We know how much you like them…seems like you always have a new one.” I laughed. “Sure! Gimme the new Droid 4! I’m sure it’ll just disappoint the sh(t out of me!”

[Spoiler alert: it did. It’s a Bionic with a slide-out keyboard.]

At this point, some interesting developments not necessarily pertaining to the devices came around. One: the wife and I realized we were spending about $2500 a year on smartphones that neither of us were happy with. Two: Verizon – who, roughly a year prior – had eliminated their unlimited data plans for new customers while assuring existing customers that their unlimited data plans were safe forever – completely reneged and told all existing unlimited data customers that the only way they’d ever get a device upgrade again would be to give up their unlimited data plan and accept a plan wherein they pay the same amount of money for a shitty 2GB/month. Otherwise? I’d be paying $800 - $900 for my next cellular disappointment rather than just $350 - $400.

It was around this time when I let out a breath I had been holding since 2010 or so and admitted defeat: the path I was on was the wrong one.

My biggest beef was with Verizon’s anti-customer attitude, so I started searching for other carriers. The only one that stood out worth a shit was Sprint, and that only due to the fact that they still offer unlimited data. Nothing really worth pulling the trigger over, however, until one fateful Saturday morning about three months ago.

My mom calls me early just to let me know she got a new phone and ask if I’d heard anything about it. I hadn’t, but we still talked for a while and she closed out the conversation by dropping a bomb: she’d left Verizon and was on a new network. I was immediately interested. And what she said next blew my hair back hard enough to partially scalp me:

She’d gotten on a plan with Virgin Mobile (never heard of them) for $55 a month…everything unlimited.

WTF?? Did I drop acid last night? I looked into it over the following weeks and came to this conclusion: I was a bigger f***ing idiot than I was even aware of if I didn’t give it a trial. Here are the details: I would select a phone, buy it. I would pay $35 a month for service. I would get unlimited text and data and 300 talk minutes (which I never come close to as I hate talking on the phone except to my mom). No contract at any time. And I would get 14 days to try the phone out and make sure the network – which is Sprint’s, btw – was sufficient for my needs. Jesus H!

Now for the part that will be heartbreaking (and dealbreaking) for many of you:

Virgin, as it turns out, has nowhere near the device selection as their competitors. They don’t seem to get devices as timely as their competitors, and their Android lineup, in particular, is weak… last time I looked the only top-shelf device they had was a Galaxy SII.

…but they had iPhone. No 5 yet (as of early June 2013…as of this writing, the iPhone5 is available from Virgin), but they had the 4 and the 4s, which was fine with me, as these were both 3G devices. Yup. Guess what, world: I don’t want to be on a GD 4G network anymore. Why? Facts: my Droid X was on a 3G network and had zero battery trouble. Every single phone I had after that? A) a 4G device, and B) battery life that made me want to kill myself. Conclusion: 4G is an absolute battery rapist and it doesn’t improve your real-world data speeds in any significant way. End of discussion. If you are the kind of person who is OK with charging your phone multiple times per day versus multiple times per week, and you’re OK with the only tangible benefit I noted being that you save thirty seconds of download time when downloading Pink Floyd’s ANIMALS from the Amazon app store, then 4G is ALL YOURS, buddy.

I walked out with an iPhone 4s. And I…love…it.

Everything works. The shape, size, and feel are all much more solid than any Android device I owned. The screen is clearer and more engaging. It’s more intuitive aside from a few oddball hidden features. ALL THE APPS WORK. The battery is a monster and I’m back to 1.5 – 2 days per charge. I haven’t had a single force shutdown yet.

What I miss about android:

1. Widgets.
2. Swype.
3. …honestly? Nothing else. Not compared to what I have now.

Like I mentioned earlier on, I have no ill will towards Android at all; in fact, I still consider myself an Android person rather than an Apple person. As far as the device I carry with me at all times, however? I’ll put it to you like this – Android phones work exceptionally well most of the time, and if you’re the tech-minded sort, you’ll probably love exploring all that you can do with it and learning about it via research and trial & error.

If you’re the kind of person who has a) money or b) serious business on the line, I’d recommend you go iPhone as strongly as I could.

Well, there we go: it’s done. Plan on me deleting your comments unless they’re extremely funny, btw.

How to Not Drive Like a Complete Fucking Retard

People who know me in reality are often amazed by the fact that my daily commute is roughly five miles and yet I can get so worked up about the way you diarrhea-breathed simians drive that I've got flaming steam shooting out of my ears by the time I get home.  Further compounding their amazement is that my commute consists of a relatively rural straight shot (approximately 75% of which is governed by a 55mph speed limit) with just a handful of lights.  The cherry on top of the typical Amazement Sundae is that my commute times don't involve rush hour.  We're talking 5:00am and 3:00pm here, folks.

This should tell you something, people.  This should tell you how fucking terribly you drive.  Your lack of consideration, common sense, and desire to survive are evident to EVERYONE, including those who a) barely drive anywhere and b) do it during off hours.

There are a small group of us among you.  We are the professionally-trained drivers, the enforcers (police, sheriffs, CHP), and - as is the case with me - the traffic safety specialists.  We marvel at your bull-in-a-china shop approach to the American roadways.  We routinely wonder how you've made it this far without snuffing yourself out.  And - yes - we would laugh ourselves half to death to see you reduced to a half-long red streak on a rural road some night. 

Don't be yourselves.  Try being me.  I know that sounds like I'm maybe a little full of myself, and to be frank I have no fuckin clue why all of a sudden I'm trying to help any of you.  I'm going to provide some helpful tips right now...and I'm going to get started without further preamble so as to not talk myself out of this (or, even funnier, give you bogus tips that'll help you fuck yourselves up quicker and in funnier ways).  So here we go: some really, really bad habits that everyone on the American Roadway System should probably try to avoid:

Don't talk on a cell phone…even via Bluetooth.

Yup.  This bitch's kids are gonna be orphans soon.

I know I’m ahead of the curve on this one, so bear with me. I realize the law says it’s legal to yak on the phone and drive provided you’re using a hands-free device. I will concur with that statement only to the letter, not the spirit…which implies that it’s also SAFE. It most assuredly is not, and in my personal life I encourage everyone I know to avoid using a cell phone while driving whether hands-free is involved or not.   Except the people I don't like.

Rather than getting into the inner workings of the average humanoid mind, I’m going to provide a single comparison that should more than prove my point: phone calls and video games. Play enough video games and eventually some dipshit will call you in the middle of a game. What happens? Well, eventually, if the conversation goes on long enough…you pause the game. Why?

Because when shit gets hairy in the game, in becomes impossible to do both. You learn it over time whether you're aware of it or not.  If you try to talk on the phone and continue your game, you’ll die (in the game)…or at a minimum, perform poorly.

The same goes for driving, folks. I’m almost sad I have to point this out to you. In fact, I almost didn’t: if you were only killing yourselves out there, I’d have let it go. But you’re also fucking other people up, and so here we are: yet again, I completely defy natural selection to better humanity.  I hope you're grateful.

Don't be oblivious to blind spots.

See the black spaces?  Yeah.  Those are dangerous places to be, shit heads.

The fact that we need to discuss this one worries me about the future of humanity. We all know about blind spots! They are very real. I remember being in high school with a friend of mine (DC for Real, in case it matters). He’d just received his driver’s license, I’d freshly graduated from driver training. We were on a road and he intentionally pulled into the blind spot of a large white van. I looked at him. He said: “I know I’m in his blind spot…I just wanna see what happens.”

Sure enough: less than a mile later, the van attempted to change lanes directly into us. DC hit the brakes so hard we smelled rubber for the next week inside that car.

Blind spots. Everyone knows about them. Yet I can’t throw a rock out there without hitting one of you shaved apes lingering for extended periods of time in another vehicle’s blind spot. How is that even possible? How has the White Hand of Charles Darwin not completely weeded you fools out of existence?

I cannot emphasize this enough: DO NOT LINGER in BLIND SPOTS, or YOU will get FUCKED UP. Period. Here, I’ll break this down for you: When you are approaching another vehicle in an adjacent lane, the blind spot technically begins long before you’re in any physical danger. So let’s be adults about this and define a reasonable plan.

Technically, you’re not in any danger until the front of your vehicle breaks the imaginary plane running along and parallel to the rear of the adjacent driver’s vehicle; even if you’re an inch from that plane, if he changes lanes? You’re not going to get hit unless you do something retarded, like gunning it or steering into him or something.

So let’s say that our Danger Zone begins at that point: the plane defined by the rear-most point of the adjacent driver’s vehicle. Where does it end? Glad you asked, kemosabe: when does any blind spot end? That’s right: it ends when the other party is no longer blind to your presence. For our purposes here, it ends once the front of your vehicle is visible in the other driver’s peripheral vision. In other words: the driver’s side window.

Lastly, let’s use our minds a little bit here and take this concept to the next level: we’ve described how to get through a blind spot, or rather where it begins and ends. We’ve defined our Danger Zone. Now, as is implied by the name: when you are IN said Danger Zone…you’re actually in danger. So, do you want to lollygag, or do you want to spend as little time as possible in danger? I’ll let you figure that out on your own as well as the solution.

A valuable pointer for breaking the plane of another vehicle: watch the driver’s left hand. Why? Drivers tend to announce their intentions involving lane changes with their left hand even prior to signaling. Even drivers who don’t use their turn signals still tend to provide some sort of tell involving their left hand prior to changing lanes. They’ll slide it up or down the side of the wheel, they’ll suddenly stand their hand on the fingertips, etc. Watch the left hand. If it holds still, your chances of safely overtaking the other vehicle increase. Remember: accelerate until you’re at least visible through the driver’s side window…and ideally continue until you’re completely clear of the other vehicle.

Don't drive side-by-side with another driver for extended periods.  

Go read about the concept of SPACE CUSHIONS, for Christ’s sake. I’m not going to waste your time or mine discussing a concept you idiots should have learned before you graduated sophomore year in high school. As unsafe as it is, it’s also completely impractical from the perspective of American Traffic Theory: our roadways need to be able to accommodate vehicles travelling at all speeds (within reason…I’m obviously not saying we should accommodate someone cruising around in neutral at 2mph but a CHP officer at 115mph? You betcha!)…when you travel side-by-side with another vehicle for any length of time, not only are you limiting your own options for mobility in the event of an emergency (tire failure, road debris, brake check by a vehicle in front of you, etc.), you’re also effectively blockading the potential for traffic flow. Or, in simpler terms, you make me fucking insane and I want to kill you in a way that would make Pat Bateman gag.

Don't make a habit of passing motherfuckers on the right. 

Here is why this is a horrible idea: according to basic American Traffic Theory, the speed in each lane increases the further LEFT (towards the center of the roadway) you go. Your average Joe Driver, then, expects that traffic to their LEFT will generally be moving at a faster speed than Joe Driver. The flip side to this notion is that traffic to Joe Driver’s RIGHT will be moving SLOWER.

What exactly does this mean? It means that – again, according to American Traffic Theory – Joe Driver can move into the lane directly to his right WITHOUT CHECKING OVER HIS SHOULDER. Again, this is according to theory rather than reality, but think about your own driving habits in this context. I’m betting you’re much more diligent in checking your mirrors and doing a shoulder check when transferring to a faster lane than a slower lane.

I’m positive that if even basic studies were conducted we would learn that lane change+blind spot accidents involving some retard passing another retard on the right-hand side far outnumber the ones wherein the passing is conducted on the left-hand side. Unfortunately, your average CHP officer couldn't investigate his way out of a public used tampon hamper, so in most cases, details like these are completely overlooked, and even if noticed, are almost never documented.

This is why it’s a retard move to transfer to your right in order to pass someone. Also you look like an asshole.

The end!

Punch-fuck every single god-damned shit-eating one of you, forever.

Shit I Wish Would Go Away (pt I)

The God-Damned Handshake

 

I guarantee both of these men are suicidal at this moment.

Jesus Christ, folks. Jesus Herbert-Walker Christ. I actually feel a slight degree of pity towards you all this morning in that – in spite of my intense hope that you would collectively decide to eliminate the practice of the handshake via a 2013 New Years’ resolution finally dying on the vine – yet again, I am going to have to take time out of my day and put together a post that should be common fucking knowledge by now.

Am I the Last Man Standing here, as far as analysis and critical thinking are concerned? Here are a few little factoids for you:

1. It seems every other year, the CDC warns us against a new strain of superflu about to emerge. The media gets hold of it, gives it a scary name.
2. You people go apeshit. Stock prices in companies who produce flu vaccines, hand sanitizers, antibacterial soaps, and Tamiflu go up.
3. In spite of the fact that even kids who go to public schools are aware of the fact that colds and flus are spread through contact with other humanoids…handshaking inexplicably continues.

Personally? I’m not scared of any of these superflus, because I a) take care of myself, b) don’t buy the media’s attempts to constantly villainize things like weather events and certain strains of microorganisms, and c) realize if I do get the flu, I have a great chance of missing a large chunk of work. When this happens, I usually take double the time I’m actually sick off. Party over here, fuck you over there.

I have friends who I’ve known for decades and I would trust with my life, and guess what? We’ve never once shaken hands. Ever. Has this in any way impacted our friendship? Not in any negative way, that much is certain. I would even go so far as to suggest that since this is a common thread in the overwhelming majority of all my most cherished relationships…could it perhaps be a factor in contributing towards how strong these friendships are?

Now, if I’m forced for political or diplomatic reasons to shake hands with some dude, I admit the first thing I do afterwards is go wash my hands, but that’s not so much out of fear of disease as it is knowing how many of you sweaty schmucks out there don’t wash your fucking hands after taking a dump. The reason I want handshaking to permanently disappear has more to do with the physical act itself. It’s literally the worst thing on earth, even worse than furry boots. For you ladies out there, who I’m sure have experienced a subset of the horror I’m about to describe, I will do my damndest to illustrate the depth of the suckage potential when it comes to shaking a guy’s hand.

<commence narrative>

You’re sitting there at your desk. Maybe you’re cruising around on Facebook, maybe you’re monitoring the commodity and/or equity markets, maybe you’re staring off into space; the point is: you’re minding your own fucking business. Suddenly a coworker’s face appears in your doorway. You’re suddenly on high alert: something is awry. This shouldn’t be happening. Also the coworker is smiling. That’s weird.

The coworker doesn’t realize he’s in the wrong place and leave. You have to fucking deal with this. FUCK.

You: “What?”

Idiot Coworker: “Hey, D.H…you got a second?”

You: “Fuck me. What now?”

Idiot: “We’ve finally hired [insert name of some other idiot who you don’t remember here]’s replacement. I’d like you to meet [insert name of new idiot here].”

New Guy: [his head suddenly appearing like a torso-less wraith behind the other idiot] “Hi, I’m [whatever name the other idiot just said], good to meet you.”

At this point the three of you embark upon a brief The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly three-way staring contest while your mind furiously races to put together your options. If New Guy takes a step forward, you are going to have to act, as it will mean he is coming in to shake your fucking hand.

Option 1: just fucking stab him and run. PROS: This will get you out of the handshake. CONS: You have a 60% chance that this act will cause you to lose your job (90% if you work in the private sector). Loss of job = no weed money.

Option 2: jump out the fucking window.
PROS: This will get you out of the handshake.
CONS: You will get cut up, and depending on how high up your office is, broken bones and possible death to boot. Also, you might not even have a window.

Option 3: the second he takes a step towards you, stand up, shove your hand down the front of your pants and make it obvious that you are pumping your crank.
PROS: Feels good.
CONS: Is no guarantee that you will get out of the handshake. In some parts of the country the likelihood of an ensuing handshake is reduced by less than half.

Option 4: fake a fucking seizure.
PROS: Will get you out of the handshake temporarily.
CONS: Will get you out of the handshake temporarily. Sorry, but this one just isn’t off-putting enough. Next time you see this chump, mark my words, he’ll go for another. Meantime, you’ll probably get sent in an ambulance to some doctor somewhere. Hey, speaking of doctors…guess who will probably try to shake your hand??

Option 5: just shake his fucking hand and get it overwith.
PROS: Will be over soon.
CONS: Will be fucking awful.

Once you begin considering option five, you realize two things: it’s the only way to put a permanent, reasonable end to the problem…but it’s going to be horrible. You blink once in a last-minute attempt to maybe wake up from a dream as New Guy takes a step towards you.

Now, there is something I must say: there is no known method to approach another man for a handshake that isn’t completely creepy and awkwardly sexual. Think of a time when you leaned in to kiss someone who was way out of your league for the first time and they allowed it and the enjoyment of the kiss became immediately eclipsed by the fact that the kiss was clearly being allowed out of sheer pity and absolutely nothing else (this scenario never happened to me, just FYI). That moment right before the kiss started, when you both realized that you were about to embark upon a dirty, pitiful journey that was now completely unwanted by both parties but you’d come too far to stop? THAT is what it feels like to approach another man for a handshake.

You try to size up your opponent. Is he going to be limp-fingered and clammy? Is he going to be one of those jackasses who were taught that the only way to shake a hand is to try to shatter the bones in the other party’s hand via completely unnecessary squeezing (you cowboy hat-wearing idiots are notorious for this)? Is he going to crank your hand sideways like that idiot who used to live next door to me?

Is he going to lock eyes with me and attempt to gauge my initial reaction and adjust the pressure accordingly? Am I going to – no matter how briefly – feel fingers sliding on my palm during the approach or the retreat? Is he going to do that retarded single head-nod thing some guys do just as the pumping begins? Is it going to be hard pumping, multiple pumps versus a single pump, am I going to have to get my elbow involved? Shoulda just stabbed this fucking idiot…new jobs aren’t too hard to find…

Eventually, the deed is done and, much like Elisabeth Shue’s post-rape shower sequence in Leaving Las Vegas, I run for a sink to wash my poor hand.

</end narrative>

The above horror happens in offices across the world, every single day. Now that I’ve hopefully raised some awareness, I have to ask: can we just get rid of handshaking?

I can think of a dozen ways this could happen; it can be as simple or as complicated as we want to make it. Americans seem to love limiting their own freedoms via new legislation; I would hope it wouldn’t need to go as far as outlawing handshaking (but won’t put up a fight if that’s how it has to go away). I would prefer:

1. The World Health Organization could issue a recommendation against handshakes.
2. Kim Kardashian could hold a press conference and state that she thinks shaking hands is unsexy.
3. The CDC conduct a study on spreading germs through handshaking and publish the results in an epic, borderline violent public education campaign.
4. Justin Bieber could be receiving a Grammy award and – after taking the statue from Will Smith with one hand and refusing to shake hands with Smith with the other – point out that handshaking is an outdated, antiquated, entirely unnecessary custom that he refuses to participate in unless there is a sink with antibacterial soap in his direct line of sight. Then halfway off the stage, he has an afterthought and comes running back to the microphone and points out that his refusal has nothing to do with the fact that Will Smith is black; he would have refused to shake hands with anyone. Jamie Foxx, Damon Wayans…anyone. Besides, Smith is pretty white for a black guy, all things considered, and [sound of Beiber being yanked off stage]
5. Donald Trump could come issue a public statement requesting that humanity increase the amount of handshaking we engage in (the Donald seems to get the opposite of what he publicly favors these days).

That’s just off the top of my head. Like I’ve said previously, I don’t care how it goes away as long as it actually goes. You got any suggestions?

D.H.