The Worst Band of All Time - Honorable Mention (pt I)

Ever wondered how bad you have to suck in order to cost me an entire afternoon's worth of writing time?  Now you know.

When someone lies to you, you simply make a mental note. Unless its a matter of life and death - and in the age of cell phones, car alarms, and mandatory bike helmets, how often is ANYTHING really a matter of life and death - you don't need to do anything other than making an entry in your mental diary that says "so-&-so is a dirty fuckin liar." Here's what you don't do: you don't write a song about how deeply it screwed you up emotionally. Not unless you want to be inducted into the Rock & Roll Hall of Vaginas.

Similarly, when someone violates your trust, you quit fuckin trusting them. That's it. Do you make a big deal about it? FUCK NO, not if preservation of your own dignity is of the remotest importance to you. And how important should preservation of one's dignity be? Well, far be it from me to testify on another humanoid's condition - let alone a future condition - but I'll say this: looking back over the course of my sword-wielding life, I am met with many memories that involve difficulty, increasing differences, and the ultimate decision (usually not mine) to put an end to the friendship/relationship. At the time, these events seemed earth-shattering to me ("I can't believe you're breaking up with me because I fucked your sister!"); however, many years have passed, and you know something? The one thing that matters to me in the slightest anymore in all these situations is how I handled myself; and in case you're wondering, YES, reacting (just in general - reacting) is one of those less is more scenarios if you want to not look back in utter embarassment.

Now, what if someone offends/hurts your feelings? What then? Do you deal with it privately, or do you make a huge fuss about it? About how you were FINE until so-&-so came along and now - through no fault of your own - you're a VICTIM.

What do you think I'm going to say? Do you think I'm going to support an artist who rehashes the ol' "I gave you my trust but you violated it and now my feelings are all messed up" theme every goddamned time they put pen to paper to craft a song? Or do you think I'm going to say:

Linkin Park: you are the biggest gang of pussies in the entertainment industry.

Seriously.  They can hide behind elements cut from a rougher cloth - heavy guitars, hip hop elements, screaming, etc. - but at the end of the day, Linkin Park is just a handful of pretty-boy posers whining about feelings and how unfair life is. BLOW ME.

I have a theory about these guys, and it is this: Linkin Park is a boy band that refuses to admit it.

Actually, let's go a step further: I have much more respect for your average boy band than I do for Linkin Park. Wanna know why?


1. Linkin Park promotes Victim Culture. Your boy bands of the past few decades? Sure, they may have produced the occasional whine-fest, but at least there were plenty of other themes incorporated in their other songs.  Linkin Park?  Let me ask you something.  You know how at work you have that one woman?  The one who's constantly snivelling about her medical problems, or divorce problems, or whatever?  The one who's constantly hissing?  (You may work in a place where there's more than one woman like this...if so, for the sake of this example, just pick the worst one.  Oh, and if you work for the government odds are good that every woman in your office is like this, so...you should find a new job before you kill them all and then yourself.)

Back to my point - let me ask you something.  You know that one woman at work, constantly whining about what the universe is doing to her?  Or bitching about what her husband (ha ha right) or family are doing to her?  Or complaining about how her supervisor just walks all over her?  This is someone who is addicted to being a victim.  This person has grown so fond of other people's sympathy that now she willingly exchanges parts of herself in order to get her daily fix.  Way too personal medical information?  She gladly hands it over in exchange for your pity.  Information about her family that her family would strangle her for sharing with strangers?  Small price to pay for a slightly sad nod of the head by the listener, particularly when it's followed with a "Jeeez, Dawn...I'm so sorry."

Listen very close right now: Linkin Park's music is the sound of the inner workings of this woman's mind as performed by heavy guitars.

Do you really want any part of that?  I'm not going to say BE A MAN, because - I'm betting, if you ran the numbers - 90% of Linkin Park's fan base are the same chicks who found themselves at twelve years old wondering where the fuck Backstreet Boys went.  But I'll say this - don't trade your problems for pity.  And you're not helping anybody if you go along with someone else's pity party, either.

2. Linkin Park is not particularly good at...anything. While boy bands employed dramatic dance moves, complex harmonies, and backup vocals, our buddies from Linkin Park employ Jack and Shit ("...and Jack left town," ...sorry, Ash, couldn't help myself). You know how Cartman claimed that every boy band had at least one member who was the tough one?  The only difference between Linkin Park and a boy band with guitars is that Linkin Park never agreed on which one was going to be the tough one.  I feel like the only reason Linkin Park even learned instruments is so they would have an excuse to not have to dance, you know?  At least N Sync had Timberlake on vocals.  Not only that...there was always a freshness to them.  You never knew what they were going to do next.  Linkin Park?  I bet their next single is about this one time where someone did something and now the whiny pussy singer's feelings are hurt.  Maybe hip-hop boy will throw his two cents in too.  I sure hope so.  He sounds like Will Smith, the greatest rapper alive.  You know what I'm saying???

Ninja's Note: during that last paragraph, I couldn't help but take note of the fact that I sound extremely pro-boy band.  Like maybe I am - or at some time have been - a fan of, say, N Sync or Justin Timberlake, maybe.  I assure you that this is not the case.  Ask my sister.

3. Linkin Park can't even keep up with Boy Band Rule Numero Uno - Always Look Good. Here's a secret - you want to know what drives a guy to grow a beard?  Sure, in some cases they just look cool - Manson had a cool beard for a while, the Unabomber...who else...oh, back when Pink Floyd went through their beard phase that looked pretty good.  But aside from that, you know what prompts the beard?  BEING FAT.  That's right.  The first stage of Man Fat is a slight swelling in your lower back that neither you nor anyone else will really notice.  The second - the belly and sides.  People may start to notice here, so...now's a good time to switch to baggier clothing, if you're for some reason incapable of losing weight.

Baggy T-shirt + facial hair = one fat mother fucker

Next up?  That's right - the face and neck.  This one's the killer, this is the one people notice first.  So the quick way around it - since the bulk of the problem (ha ha, pun) lies on the cheeks and neck - is to simply stop shaving and allow your stubble/beard to cover it.  You're not fooling anyone, Linkin Park - maybe a little more jogging and a little less Carl's Jr., you worthless shit bags.  Seriously, I don't care if people gain weight, but that all changes if their self-selected profession requires them to look good.  It's the same way I frown on a bank teller who shows up in sandals and a muscle shirt.

4. Linkin Park can't handle their drugs...so now they want to make sure you can't get any either.  Oh, for God's sake.  You want to know what the true litmus test for Absolute Vaginatude is?  Give a motherfucker as many drugs as he wants for a few years and see what happens.  If he has some fun and decides to keep on having some fun for the remainder of his life...awesome.  Good for him.  If he dies...also awesome; he was either dumb or unlucky, but either way...this overpopulated shit-herd just got a little thinner.  Maybe he'll do a little bit of drugs, here and there, and decide it's not for him.

Or!  Or maybe, just maybe, he'll end up doing a little bit of life-ruining because of the drugs; maybe he'll do a lot of life-ruining.  This is good and interesting, this is one of those lesser-known scenarios where you get a true glimpse of what a person is made of.  We were lucky enough to arrive at that exact scenario with Linkin Park's Chester...Bennington, I think.  This guy:

Yeah, that's him.  OK, so, here's the scenario: Chester gets all whacked out on blow and meth (yuck!) and comes to the conclusion that he's ruined his life.  You get this all the time with a certain percentage of drug users (though it's a much smaller percentage than those who are able to just use for fun, i.e. recreationally, and not develop a massive vein-collapsing, savings account-vaporizing problem).

Now, assuming the person ends up getting clean...this is what you'll see.  One of these two options.

Option A - the person gets clean, keeps it private, and goes on with his newly-discovered life.

or

Option B - the person gets clean, makes a big huge hairy deal about it including denouncing drugs, denouncing drug users, campaigning against drugs, etc.  In other words: trying to keep drugs out of the hands of others.

In case you haven't figured it out - maybe you can't read, or maybe you're a little kid - Option A is the acceptable, honorable option.  Option B is where you reveal your entire character to the world - and that character is a complete and utter coward.  Option B is what Chester picked.

I'm going to get a little personal and a lot political here - one could say that I've done my fair share of drugs.  One could go a little farther and say that YES, I, Droid Hayabusa, do offer you my personal Ninja Guarantee that I've done more drugs than every single member of this pussy band combined.  Further still, one could truthfully say that I wrecked my life a few times thanks to certain drugs.

Here's the thing, though - the thing that pussies like Chester here and the other proponents of mass discipline are too dense to see - mistakes I've made in my past and the subsequent lessons I've learned are what shaped me into who I am today.  People need to be able to make these mistakes or they won't be able to learn the same lessons that I've learned.  I want drugs to be around when my nephews go through high school.  Sounds fucked up a little, maybe, but I believe in my nephews to ultimately do the right thing.  You should believe in yours, too.

Looking at the same side of the coin a little differently - Chester, you're a fucking multi-millionaire in one of the most successful bands in the world.  Did you ever think that the lessons you learned from making mistakes with drugs gave you the mettle, or the fortitude, to get where you are today?  To be able to maintain in spite of what you have to deal with, day in and day out?  Yet you "denounce" drugs. 

I don't denounce drugs.  I don't do them any more, but I'm a firm advocate for them and I always will be.  I am PRO-DRUG.  They are part of our lives, and they're as American as apple pie.

BTW - Linkin Park, you're supposed to be rock stars.  Has anyone ever heard of Linkin Park doing anything remotely rock star-ish, like burning up a hotel room?  Actually...come to think of it...the last person I remember hearing about setting fire to a hotel room was...one of the New Kids on the Block.  WTF, am I listening to the wrong kind of music?

___

That's it.  I can't talk about this shit anymore.  FUCK YOU, Linkin Park.  I hope N Sync beats the shit out of you all one day.