Verizon Wireless: Squatting Over & Taking a Greasy Dump on Customer Expectations Since 19XX

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My suggestion for a new Verizon mascot.

Add a tablet to the Share Everything plan for only $10/mo – no contract commitment - data only plans starting at $30 monthly access! Ask me how.

You are now chatting with 'Brittany C.'

Ninja's Note: what transpires from this point forward, in my estimation, constitutes the web chat of the year.

Brittany C.: Hello! Thank you for using verizon wireless chat service, My name is Brittany C. I would be more then happy to help you with your order for a new line upgrade or accessories today!

You: Hey Brittany - I don't want to purchase anything or upgrade; I'm actually trying to determine if the eligible upgrade date listed on the web site is the same date as the contract end date.

Brittany C.: I'd be happy to assist you.

Brittany C.: Are you signed into your myverizon account/

You: yes I am

Brittany C.: What does it say your upgrade date is/

You: for the galaxy nexus it says 6/8/12

Brittany C.: So you are eligible now.

You: there are three other lines w/ three other dates though. as i just mentioned, i'm more concerned at this moment with when the contract ends than with getting a new device.

Brittany C.: Do you see a drop down box by the phone?

You: no

Brittany C.: Does it say you are an account member above the picture of your phone.

You: nope

Brittany C.: What is the mobile number please?

You: ***-***-****

You: and ***-***-****...those are the two i'm most concerned with whether they're under contract and if so when the contract ends.

Brittany C.: I need your full name and he last 4 of the ssn please?

You: full name = [droid hayabusa], ****.

Brittany C.: Thank you

Brittany C.: Do you see upgrade4 status?

You: i see upgrade dates for all four of my lines. is that what you are trying to describe?

Brittany C.: Yes that's what I mean those are the upgrade dates

You: great. so – back to the original question from ten minutes ago – does that mean that on those dates the contract is over for each corresponding line?

Brittany C.: No if you add 4 months to that it's the contract end date

You: jackpot. thanks! super-helpful.