I was standing on my roof the other night in full ninja shōzoku - probably framed perfectly in the full moon with my headband blowing behind me in slo-mo and everything - preparing to chop my satellite dish off and, well, I guess I got around to asking myself why I was about to perform a full decap on some costly DISH network equipment. This soul-searching led me to a realization that I feel obligated to share in the hopes it helps American society get out in front of some pretty shitty changes going on around us.
Am I late? At this time I believe the answer is yes. Nonetheless...maybe I'm not too late. So prepare to listen, if only for a moment, fellow warriors - the point is this:
At what point did the "subscription" -type business model completely replace the "here's my money, gimme my shit, and you and I never need to interact with one another again" -type business model??
Back to why I was on the roof - I noticed not too long ago that I was paying close to $100 per month for DISH service and Netflix. I'd had the same two (unwatched) Netflix DVDs on my dinner table since 2011, and other than Comedy Central, the only TV I watch is all network stuff, the kind of TV that's floating around in high-definition for free for anyone willing to hook up a $30 HDTV antenna. So I decided to cancel the DISH and downgrade Netflix to streaming-only...this way I'd hopefully avoid most of the $100/month I was bleeding.
Because - as they say - it's not about how much you make, but how much you get to keep...right??
Part of my plan was to replace my DISH-owned DVR with a TiVo, of course. So you can imagine my surprise when I learned that you and I can no longer even obtain a TiVo without a) paying for it, b) signing a contract, and c) making a payment to TiVo every month (unless you want to pay literally 5x more for your TiVo box). Your $20 a month nets you their crappy "premiere" service, which - to the best of my knowledge - simply serves to tell you which paid monthly subscription-type services (Netflix, Hulu Plus, etc) you need to buy in order to see the shows you want.
It's not enough to just take our yen anymore, ninjas. Remember the old days, when you bought a TV and then you got to watch free TV until the f*cking thing broke twenty years later?? Or you called the pest control guy and he came out and the bugs died and then you paid him & the discussion about a monthly contract didn't even enter the equation? Yeah, those days are OVER. They want our money now, and they want our money in perpetuity, and they want to provide as little as possible in the way of effort, services, or value.
Here's a good example - I recently bought a home furnished with an over-the-stove microwave. Well, after about six months of use, the front of the microwave fell off (no, I assure you my katana wasn't even in the same room at the time). I called the GE repairman out.
Did he fix it and then get the f*ck out of my face? NOPE. Instead - prior to beginning work - he tried to entangle me in a battle of wills wherein (he hoped) I would be bested and forced to agree to sign up for GE's extended warranty, which would cover my microwave and dishwasher for the next five years...all for only $50 a month.
Luckily, I was trained at a young age to perform complex mathematics in my head, so I asked him how long he thought my microwave would last if I didn't sign up with his service. He wouldn't answer. I asked him specifically if he thought the microwave would last for eight months. He said PROBABLY. Ahh, big mistake, paco - check and MATE: "Well, if I keep that $50 a month, in eight months I'll have $400. I'm sure I can get a new microwave for $400. Probably won't go with a GE, though, if this piece of shit ends up dead after a year of use."
This illustrates my point - most businesses, which at one time were content with the "buy my shit (or my shitty service) and I'll leave you alone" -type model, are evolving.
Here'a another great example: when I first bought my home I looked into getting an alarm system. I wanted something that I paid for once which would - ideally - start screaming loud enough to wake Genshin from the foot of Mount Fuji if someone tried to forcibly enter.
What I actually got was a load of shit from a bunch of local alarm companies. "Oh, no, you can't buy the alarm. It's not for sale. You get it free when you sign up fo..."
"For let me guess, something that's going to cost me every month, right?"
"Yes, it's our monitoring service. For $49.99 we monitor your alarm 24/7 and will contact the police in the event the alarm goes off."
...
I don't know if I should laugh the guy off my lawn or ask him for his autograph. Here's why: from what I can tell, he & his company openly loathe me personally for developing such an ingeniously anti-customer arangement and walking right up to my door and pseudo-threatening me ("homes are burglarized all the time!!") with it. And yet - it's so ingenious it borders on Bond villain-caliber stuff. You're selling safety to people and you've figured out a way to get their money not once, but for as long as they live.
In the end, I went for simply getting the guy off my lawn. Here are the counter-questions that immediately popped into my head, though:
In the end, I went for simply getting the guy off my lawn. Here are the counter-questions that immediately popped into my head, though:
1. What's wrong with the alarm I asked for, where we leave the police out of the equation and just set off a siren?? Motherf*cker I got a neighbor's house close enough to spit on on both sides! You're telling me a siren wouldn't be a sufficient theft deterrent??
2. You think I want to write a fifty dollar check every month for as long as I own a home all so some lazy, undisciplined employee of yours can push a button when my alarm goes off?
3. Hey, how about you just hook up my alarm to ring the police directly? Problem SOLVED.
4. Do you think I get to use my sword so frequently that I'm not even a little itchy for someone to try to get into my house?
5. You want $50/month? The average loss sustained during a burglary in my area is roughly $1500. So - playing the odds and the averages - I'd have to be burglarized more frequently than once every 2 1/2 years to where I'm actually making a shrewd financial decision by singing up with you CROOKS. No, I think I'll hold off and wait & see if that trend pans out.
Don't buy into the bullshit, ninjas. It's your money, keep it. Research before you sign up for anything. I'd have avoided some steep early termination fees from DISH if I'd have learned about the HDTV antenna + TiVo option prior to signing my contract. I've also found alarm systems that you can buy that don't require a monthly fee - rather than some fat slob pushing a button to notify the police, an automated box in your home dials whatever phone numbers you program it to dial.
And seriously, unless you enjoy slicing off larger and larger portions of your paychecks every month in order to cover all these subscriptions and costs, start funnelling your business to those alternatives (as I describe in the above paragraph) that don't require monthly fees.
FUGGEM, as Rambo said to Colonel Trautman (this was in part 3 I think):
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