How to Puke Like a Man (Sorry, Bon Scott Fans)

Instant pain upon opening of eyes...


...close eyes and scan other senses for data.
Pain in neck due to severe angle...analyzing pillow.  Pillow too hard and surface too rough.

CONCLUSION: not pillow. Armrest. You're not in your bed.
Additional sensory data gathered:

• pain in head, extreme pain
• extreme nausea
• extreme weakness
• extreme dizziness
• no audio data to review

CONCLUSION: silence.

• olfactory data available and partially recognized, continue background scanning of data until scent is identified.
• no taste present in mouth...further analysis determines mouth is too dry to taste anything

Warning flag applied: EXTREME DEHYDRATION WARNING
Re-scan local memory for interpretable data. Pains and symptoms identified are familiar but only partially recognized, continue background scanning until symptoms are identified.
No new data available for analysis. Background scans incomplete.

Options for obtaining new data:

1. Open eyes again.
2. Attempt to move.

Risk analysis - Option 1 introduced instant pain upon initial trial. However, initial pain was likely the worst a person should expect within reason. Option 2 is, upon initial assessment, much riskier due to one particular combination of variables: extent of dizziness unknown, and current location unknown.
CONCLUSION: Option 1 is less risky.


Eyes open.  Pain is instant but subsiding quickly. Eyes are dry, pain noted in simple side-to-side movement.  Eyes having trouble focusing. No shapes visible. 
CONCLUSION: it's dark.

Continue visual scan of area. Large shape forming in 12:00 position; shape is symmetrical with square corners. Patches of purple visible.
CONCLUSION: it's a window.

Run list of potential locations based on window orientation and proximity to couch:

1. home
2. neighbor's house
3. DC's house
4. in-laws' house
5. unknown location

Ongoing scan of window establishes approximate size as 4' x 4'. Potential locations 2, 3, and 4 have full-size sliding glass doors by their couches. Potential locations 2, 3, and 4 = eliminated.
CONCLUSION: I am at home, or someplace new.
DEVELOPING THEORY: I am likely at home.

New data established: feeling produced on some unknown plane of consciousness that the above determination took far longer than it would take under normal circumstances.
DEVELOPING THEORY: Brain not functioning at full capacity.

Integrating new data with existing data:

1. I am either home or in an unknown location.
2. Extreme pain in head.
3. Extreme nausea.
4. Extreme weakness.
5. Extreme dizziness.
6. Total silence.
7. Partially identified smell in the air.
8. Extreme dehydration.
9. Overall feeling is mostly familiar.

Potential scenarios identified:

1. I have been poisoned.
2. I have somehow had the living shit kicked out of me, potential car accident.
3. I am hung over.

Integrating developing theories with new and existing data:

1. I am home.
2. Brain not functioning at full capacity.

Had current location been consistent with a hospital setting, or had someone been present when I woke, options 1 or 2 would have been the most likely. However, being alone and at home, and factoring the dehydration, option 3 becomes the most likely: I am hung over. Introduce scenario "hung over" as filter into background scans.
Background scan complete!
CONCLUSION: unknown scent identified: absinthe.
Background scan complete!
CONCLUSION: partially-recognized pains/symptoms identified, symptoms are your typical hangover symptoms (magnified).
Create positive confirmation that you are on your couch? (Y/N) Yes
PREPARING TO SPEAK
"Bob, where are you, you stupid fucking cat."
Meow detected in response. You're home.

POSITION ESTABLISHED:

HOME

New data: throat sore but also raw and partially swollen. Refrain from further speech until necessary.
Integrating conclusions: You got fucked up on absinthe last night, you're on the couch for yet-to-be-determined reasons (warning flag assigned to this point), and you're more hung over then you've ever been in your life.
Scan memory for data. No immediate data present. Assign warning flag? (Y/N?) No, this lack of memory data is consistent with symptoms. Scan back further. Blank.
Integrate current symptoms with previous experiences, cross reference all associations.
Most recent previous episode recalled:
New Years' Day identified as most recent known episode of similar symptoms.


Scan memory for New Years' Eve activities - New Years' Eve was spent with neighbors, Mike and Kelly, and led to similar symptoms the following morning.


INCOMING DATA: Purple patches visible through window are more pronounced.


DEVELOPING THEORY: Daylight approaching.


Scan memory for previous evening, apply filter "Mike and Kelly" (apply advanced filtering techniques, scan for images of faces, sounds of voices, familiar scent of living room and kitchen area). Partial memories recalled:

1. Giving Mike a hug upon entry.
2. Giving Kelly a hug (or perhaps this is a memory of Mike hugging Amy)?
3. Asking Amy if she wanted to sit on the couch or by the tabl

AMY ALERT/AMY ALERT/AMY ALERT

NEW TOP PRIORITY ESTABLISHED

Determine location and condition of Amy (wife).

Panic subsiding. must finish memory scan:

     4. Sitting with Mike in my home office showing him the MT4 platform. For some insane reason.


Memory scan complete.  Memory scan results incomplete; still negative on location for Amy. Objective: check bedroom for Amy.

Attempt to roll over on side; stomach immediately goes into barrel rolls.  Probability of vomiting upon further movement: 50%

Re-establish priority of current objective.  Is it worth 50% chance of puking to check the bedroom?  Additional data for consideration: current position is on tile, bedroom is carpeted, so consider that it's unsafe for you to remain in the bedroom: you will have to return to the couch.  Your walking distance just doubled.

CONCLUSION: not worth 50% puking odds to check bedroom.

Alternate solution: Call Amy on her cell phone.  Probability for success: high, assuming she has her phone with her.  Probability she has her phone with her: if she's in the bedroom...95%.  She typically does.

Feeling on table behind armrest for my phone.  Nothing.  Sit up slightly, note the lurch in stomach but stomach holds.  Scan memory, this time with the following filters: cell phone, recent, Mike and Kelly.  Vague image of me setting my phone on their coffee table.  Probabilities begin establishing themselves:

1. Phone is at Mike and Kelly's - 45%
2. Phone is on the ground somewhere between my house and Mike & Kelly's - 25%
3. Phone is gone forever - 15%
4. Phone is inside house where it can be reached by me - 15%

Sit up further to re-evaluate probability of puking if a trip is made to the bedroom.  Probability holds at 50%.  Original determination holds: not worth 50% puking odds to check bedroom.

Reassess priorities, objectives, and risk:reward scenarios in light of current condition.  Establish new protocol: what if Amy's position is established to be in the bedroom prior to movement, such that the movement will be to confirm Amy's position, thus completing top priority task and ending current Amy Alert status?

CONCLUSION: worth 50% chance of puking to end Amy Alert status.

Scan recent memory for easily-verifiable conditions that Amy made it home safe last night.  Scan complete. Two conditions meet all requested criteria:

1. There will be a bucket of some sort by my head.
2. There will be a blanket of some sort nearby. 

Check floor near end of couch for bucket?  (Y/N)  Yes.  Bucket identified; silver mixing bowl from kitchen (overhead cabinet on far left, second shelf).  

First condition confirmed.  Probability that Amy is present in house established at 65%.  Attempt to confirm second condition?  (Y/N)  Yes.

Blanket identified around waistline and knees.  Second condition confirmed.  Probability that Amy is present in house increased to 90%.

NEW PROTOCOL CONFIRMED: Amy's location believed to be bedroom.

NEW PRIMARY OBJECTIVE: Confirm bedroom as Amy's location to end Amy Alert status.

Attempt to stand.  Odds of vomiting instantly increase.  New data incoming based on physical movement reveals weakness is much more severe than anticipated.  Odds of puking en route to bedroom: 70%.  Odds of strength giving out prior to reaching objective: 50%.

Scan brain for quickest way to relieve weakness from hangover:

1. Motrin
2. Xanax
3. Coffee
4. Gatorade
5. Food
6. Water
7. More booze

Options 1, 3, 4, 5, and 7 ruled out due to potential conflict with stomach.  Option 2 ruled out due to complete lack of knowledge as to current location of bottle.

Sit back down? (Y/N?)

INCOMING DATA: cool moisture present around neckline of clothes.

Sit back down? (Y/N?)

INCOMING DATA: all clothes still on, including shoes.

Sit back down?  (Y/N?)  No.  Primary objective remains Amy Alert, new current objective: drink water.

Proceed slowly towards kitchen.  Blotches and false images present in vision, enhanced by the dark.  Smell of absinth stronger.

INCOMING DATA: neckline of clothes is more moist than initially perceived.

Water poured from tap into dirty glass.  Sip?  (Y/N?)  ...yes.

REJECTED! REJECTED! PUKE WARNING! WATER REJECTED...LEAN OVER SINK, SPIT OUT ALL WATER, AND HOLD STEADY.  AWAIT FURTHER INSTRUCTIONS.

Puke warning subsiding.  Chances of vomiting decreasing...systems online.  ...systems stabilizing.  Estimate as to how much time has passed?  Impossible to determine, options ranging from thirty seconds or one hour seem reasonable.  Internal timekeeping system corrupted, recalibration necessary. 

Moisture detected around mouth and nose.  Cleaning advisable; suggest wipe with bare hand, then run bare hand under water from sink.

INCOMING DATA: large amount of dried material around wet area of face.  Continue examination? (Y/N?) ...yes.

CONCLUSION: Dried, flaky material noted on both cheeks, upper lip, chin and under chin. 

Potential material identified on face:

1. Food
2. Blood
3. Vomit
4. Unknown

Further exploration warranted?  (Y/N?)  Yes.

Examining volume and current capacity of stomach.  Stomach empty.  Food = unlikely.
Recent facial examination caused no pain in lips or nose.  My blood = unlikely.  Other person's blood = possible, not enough data.
No memory of vomiting.  Checking for previous episodes of sleep-vomiting...only one similar instance identified.  Instances not identical: prior incident included vague morning recollection of dreaming about vomiting.  Vomiting unlikely.
Most likely scenario for material on face: unknown material.
Re-evaluate above scenarios, this time integrate all known facts regarding current position.
MOST LIKELY SCENARIO suspended in light of moisture around neckline.  Need to identify material around neckline.
Identify dimmest light source within ten feet: stove fan.  Four feet.  Activate light (Y/N?) Yes.  Advise eyes close prior to activation, and open slowly over the course of five - ten seconds.

Commencing visual scan of shirt and sweatshirt.  No moisture visible from current vantage point.  Remove sweatshirt and shirt, and place on ground for inspection?  (Y/N?)  Yes.

DATA REJECTED/close eyes to reboot and recalibrate ocular system.  Rescan (Y/N?)  Yes.

DATA REJECTED/close eyes to reboot and recalibrate ocular system. Rescan (Y/N?) Yes.

DATA REJECTED/close eyes to reboot and recalibrate ocular system. Rescan (Y/N?) Yes.

...INCOMING DATA.  You puked, in your sleep, flat on your back.

CONCLUSION: In doing so, you proved that everyone who's ever died in their sleep by choking on their puke is a pussy.  High-five, hero! 

PRIMARY OBJECTIVE SUSPENDED

NEW PRIMARY OBJECTIVE: Get some lights on, find a camera, take a picture, and go back to bed.  A winner is you!

A WINNER IS ME!