Ladies,
If you take nothing else away from this post, please at least absorb this: you gotta find yourself a friend. Let that be your prime directive for the day - identifying (or making) one friend that you can trust. Someone who will tell you the truth, no matter what...especially when he or she knows the truth is the last thing you want to hear. Someone to whom you can assign the daunting but critical task of telling you how you honestly look in your clothes.
Just because skinny jeans are the thing right now doesn't mean you should wear them. You need to get that friend of yours to stand behind you while you try your clothes on, honestly evaluate what they see, and then share the results of that evaluation with you.
Now you may be thinking: well, I have many friends that I kinda trust...and they've all seen me in skinny jeans, and since none of them said anything to me I think I can skip all this, right?
NO, you retarded harlot, NO. FUCK. Why do you think I want your top priority to be identifying the most honest person in your life? Because most of your shitbag friends are not honest, at least not with you. Most of your shitbag friends are more than willing to watch you make a complete ass of yourself and then talk about it later behind your back. YOU KNOW I AM RIGHT.
Now, at the risk of being accused of fear-mongering, I am going to share something with you that no one has ever shared before. Put your listening ears on, because it involves the one thing that your kind cares about more than anything else on the planet - the mind of a man.
The following is what goes through a guy's head when he passes a woman on the street and suspects she has a less-than-stellar figure but can't be certain because she (smartly) selects outfits that keeps her figure shrouded in mystery:
"Hm. I really don't know...I guess I'd fuck her. Maybe, yeah. I could see it. I'm really not sure. She might be kinda big. Wait a minute...maybe I like big...do I like big? Shit, I don't know...wait, wait...am I an ass guy or a tit guy? Might be OK if I'm a tit guy...could go either way if I'm an ass guy. Fuck, I give up...maybe I should go talk to her and try to figure out what's going on."
See how that worked? Our hero couldn't tell for sure, and - solely because of this - he ends up deciding to talk to the girl. This tactic that I am suggesting - for free, thank you - takes advantage of a particular protocol hard-wired into the male brain - unless the man has irrefutable evidence that a woman is not attractive, nothing is ever off the table as far as that man is concerned in regards to that woman. Why is this important?
I'm sure you ladies were born with the answer, but what the hell, I'll spell it out if, for nothing else, the benefit of any guy who might have stumbled here and might still be reading. On a scale of one to ten, a man will give an eleven to impress a girl he knows he wants to fuck, he'll give a nine if he's not sure if he wants to fuck her or not, and he'll give a big fat double zero if he knows he won't fuck her now or in the forseeable future. ...you starting to see why it's so important to stay off the "do not call" list, gals??
Now, this wouldn't be a complete study without me offering an alternate take on our scenario. So here we go...this is what happens when our hero - the same guy as before - passes a girl who - thanks to her skinny jeans - is revealing her less-than-perfect figure to the world in absolutely no uncertain terms. Matter of fact, let's include a visual aid on this one:
Here's our girl. And our male lead? Following her down the sidewalk. And now, once again, we enter the mind of our hero:
"Jeez, that dude's skinny jeans are kinda fucked up...obviously this is a guy who never read Droid Hayabusa's advi-
WAIT. Wait just a goddamn minute...that's a chick! Is that a chick? That's a fuckin chick! Holy shit, that's a girl! Hahaha! Man I would never THINK about fucking that. Matter of fact I should slow down, I need to keep a Safety Zone between Mrs. Manbottom up there and my dick. Just in case...you never know. We might slip. I'd hate to slip and end up giving her an Accident Fuck.
"God, how awful that would be. It would actually be better if it WAS a dude. I'm completely heterosexual and I am saying that I would be more attracted to that body if it belonged to a dude. Seriously, if you held a gun to my head and forced me to either fuck a dude or that? I think I would pick the dude. Yeah - I would rather fuck a dude. Even a super-hairy one.
"Jesus. Wait a minute...what about doggystyle, would that work? Bending her hips so the butt is stretched and hopefully not as noticable that way? Nah...too risky. If it didn't work I'd literally be right on Ground Zero. Hmm. Maybe I could just fuck her in the mouth? No...that wouldn't work, even if I couldn't see her garbageman butt I'd know it was there. Hmm...what if I could talk her into wearing a lampshade as a skirt...no, I'd still be too close to it. Shit, this is ruining my day.
"What if...what if I pushed her hips into a closet and closed the door on them...hmm. Yeah, and I could kinda yank her hair until her head was facing the opposite direction, so I'd be staring at her boobs and the back of her head at the same time, and I could pretend I was banging an alien or some kind of mutant? Man...hard to say. That might work, but...where am I going to find a closet within the next couple minutes?
"What about this...what if I pushed her head into a wastebasket and pretended I was doing a hot mannequin, like that pouty-nippled thing at Gottschalks? Wait, no...shit, if the garbage stinks that'll wreck my boner. Hmm...I guess I could always saw her head off...oh, wait, nope...illegal. What a bind!
"No, the only way this could work is if she agreed to come with me immediately to a butt surgeon and get that idiotic thing fixed. Otherwise there is just no way I would even consider fucking her.
How does she get her butt to do that? I wonder if she had surgery on her butt...maybe she had butt cancer and had to have the lower part of her butt amputated. Either way - thanks but NO THANKS, lady. Not with a stolen dick. Are there such things as butt surgeons? There should be. I should write my Congressman. Who is my Congressman? Great - more shit I have to find out.
"God damn. I would think fucking just about anyone would be better than robo-butt up there. Courtney Love? Yeah, fucking Courtney Love would be preferable to that. Liza Minelli? Yeah, I'd probably rather go for it with Liza Minelli than with that chick. Kevin Costner? Yeah, no question, I'd go nuts-deep in the Kev long before the rear-end amputee up there. Mel Gibson? Yeah, I think I'd rather fuck Mel. My boss? Yeah, I'd probably rather do it with my boss. My boss's boss? Yeah, shit, probably.
"Michael Jackson? Yeah, definitely. What about Michael Jackson back when he was black? Yeah, OK, sure. What about Michael Jackson now? ...yeah, still, it would be better than that gangly fruit with the Boy Scout butt.
"OK, here's one - Lady Gaga. Absolutely YES I would rather fuck Lady Gaga than this walrus stuffed into denim. OK, what about this - Lady Gaga, but Lady Gaga wearing a fat suit that's slick with some kind of oil? Hmm...nope, not un-turning me off on this buttless wonder at all, not yet. I'll take Lady Gaga in a fat suit covered in oil.
"...seriously, this is breaking my brain. All a woman has to do is look good. THAT'S IT. That's all she would have to do. All this bitch had to do today is wake up, look at herself in the goddamn mirror, accentuate the good parts and obscure the bad parts. THAT'S IT. Is that so fucking hard? Instead she decided to dress herself up so she looks like she's smuggling someone's baby across town in the seat of her pants. Fuck! Is this a migraine coming on? God I hate this woman.
"OK, time for a rapid-fire pop quiz. Off the top of my head:
My neighbor? Yes, I would rather fuck my neighbor than a girl with a butt like that.
My mailman?Yes, I would rather fuck my mailman than a girl with a butt like that.
Local news anchorperson? Yes, I would rather fuck muy local news anchor person than a girl with a butt like that.
Weatherman from the local news? Yes, I'd rather fuck the weatherman than a girl with a butt like that.
Nice chubby lady from the gas station? Yes, I'd rather fuck the chubby lady from the gas station than a girl with a butt like that.
Werewolf-looking, can-collecting homeless guy? Yes, I'd rather fuck the homeless werewolf guy than a girl with a butt like that.
Greek lady at the deli? Yes, I'd rather fuck the Greek lady than a girl with a butt like that.
My mother? ...yeah, OK, I'd rather fuck my mother than a girl with a butt like that.
My sister? Yeah, her too.
My cousin? Hell yeah, that's the easiest one of the three, gimme a hard one next time.
OK...Danzig. Yes, I would rather fuck Glenn Danzig than a girl with a butt like that.
A threesome with Danzig and a Great Dane. Yes, I would rather have the threesome than a girl with a butt like that.
Robocop? Yes, I would rather fuck Robocop than a girl with a butt like that.
A Predator? Yes, I would rather fuck the Predator than a girl with a butt like that.
The Toxic Avenger? Yes, I would rather fuck the Toxic Avenger than a girl with a butt like that.
A Penis Duel with a hungry rattlesnake's mouth? Yes, I would rather fuck a hungry rattlesnake in the mouth until one of us died.
A loaded bear trap? Yes, I would rather fuck a loaded bear trap than a girl with a butt like that.
The push switch to a biological weapon? Yes, I would rather fuck-start a bioweapon than a girl with a butt like that.
An AIDS needle? Yes, I would rather fuck an AIDS needle than a girl with a butt like that.
Sigfried & Roy's tiger collection? Yes, I would rather become a tiger gangbang recipient than fuck a girl with a butt like that.
"OK, so that's settled: I'm probably never going to even consider fucking this girl. Now, let's get theoretical - let's take a girl that is universally accepted as being a superhottie...let's take Jessica Simpson (or it can be Jessica Alba if the last few generations of your family haven't had very much money). Now attach Robo-Butt's rear-end to Jessica in your imagination. Picture it as vividly and clearly as you can, try to hold on to the image. ...Jessica...plus the butt in the picture up there. Now...you got it? OK, so answer me this - would you fuck this new buttless version of Jessica?
I don't think I would! Here's why..."
___
Well, ladies? Did we learn something today? Do you really want to be out thinking you're turning heads & breaking hearts but instead you've got guys walking behind you thinking things like that? Aside from learning that maybe getting whistled at by a construction worker isn't necessarily the worst thing on the planet, I hope we learned that - in spite of the massive importance your kind historically places on how you look - how you look just might be even more important than you think it is.
You're welcome.
D.H.
If you take nothing else away from this post, please at least absorb this: you gotta find yourself a friend. Let that be your prime directive for the day - identifying (or making) one friend that you can trust. Someone who will tell you the truth, no matter what...especially when he or she knows the truth is the last thing you want to hear. Someone to whom you can assign the daunting but critical task of telling you how you honestly look in your clothes.
Just because skinny jeans are the thing right now doesn't mean you should wear them. You need to get that friend of yours to stand behind you while you try your clothes on, honestly evaluate what they see, and then share the results of that evaluation with you.
Now you may be thinking: well, I have many friends that I kinda trust...and they've all seen me in skinny jeans, and since none of them said anything to me I think I can skip all this, right?
NO, you retarded harlot, NO. FUCK. Why do you think I want your top priority to be identifying the most honest person in your life? Because most of your shitbag friends are not honest, at least not with you. Most of your shitbag friends are more than willing to watch you make a complete ass of yourself and then talk about it later behind your back. YOU KNOW I AM RIGHT.
Now, at the risk of being accused of fear-mongering, I am going to share something with you that no one has ever shared before. Put your listening ears on, because it involves the one thing that your kind cares about more than anything else on the planet - the mind of a man.
The following is what goes through a guy's head when he passes a woman on the street and suspects she has a less-than-stellar figure but can't be certain because she (smartly) selects outfits that keeps her figure shrouded in mystery:
"Hm. I really don't know...I guess I'd fuck her. Maybe, yeah. I could see it. I'm really not sure. She might be kinda big. Wait a minute...maybe I like big...do I like big? Shit, I don't know...wait, wait...am I an ass guy or a tit guy? Might be OK if I'm a tit guy...could go either way if I'm an ass guy. Fuck, I give up...maybe I should go talk to her and try to figure out what's going on."
See how that worked? Our hero couldn't tell for sure, and - solely because of this - he ends up deciding to talk to the girl. This tactic that I am suggesting - for free, thank you - takes advantage of a particular protocol hard-wired into the male brain - unless the man has irrefutable evidence that a woman is not attractive, nothing is ever off the table as far as that man is concerned in regards to that woman. Why is this important?
I'm sure you ladies were born with the answer, but what the hell, I'll spell it out if, for nothing else, the benefit of any guy who might have stumbled here and might still be reading. On a scale of one to ten, a man will give an eleven to impress a girl he knows he wants to fuck, he'll give a nine if he's not sure if he wants to fuck her or not, and he'll give a big fat double zero if he knows he won't fuck her now or in the forseeable future. ...you starting to see why it's so important to stay off the "do not call" list, gals??
Now, this wouldn't be a complete study without me offering an alternate take on our scenario. So here we go...this is what happens when our hero - the same guy as before - passes a girl who - thanks to her skinny jeans - is revealing her less-than-perfect figure to the world in absolutely no uncertain terms. Matter of fact, let's include a visual aid on this one:
My apologies if this is actually a dude. Just imagine it's a girl, but with that for a butt.
"Jeez, that dude's skinny jeans are kinda fucked up...obviously this is a guy who never read Droid Hayabusa's advi-
WAIT. Wait just a goddamn minute...that's a chick! Is that a chick? That's a fuckin chick! Holy shit, that's a girl! Hahaha! Man I would never THINK about fucking that. Matter of fact I should slow down, I need to keep a Safety Zone between Mrs. Manbottom up there and my dick. Just in case...you never know. We might slip. I'd hate to slip and end up giving her an Accident Fuck.
"God, how awful that would be. It would actually be better if it WAS a dude. I'm completely heterosexual and I am saying that I would be more attracted to that body if it belonged to a dude. Seriously, if you held a gun to my head and forced me to either fuck a dude or that? I think I would pick the dude. Yeah - I would rather fuck a dude. Even a super-hairy one.
"Jesus. Wait a minute...what about doggystyle, would that work? Bending her hips so the butt is stretched and hopefully not as noticable that way? Nah...too risky. If it didn't work I'd literally be right on Ground Zero. Hmm. Maybe I could just fuck her in the mouth? No...that wouldn't work, even if I couldn't see her garbageman butt I'd know it was there. Hmm...what if I could talk her into wearing a lampshade as a skirt...no, I'd still be too close to it. Shit, this is ruining my day.
"What if...what if I pushed her hips into a closet and closed the door on them...hmm. Yeah, and I could kinda yank her hair until her head was facing the opposite direction, so I'd be staring at her boobs and the back of her head at the same time, and I could pretend I was banging an alien or some kind of mutant? Man...hard to say. That might work, but...where am I going to find a closet within the next couple minutes?
"What about this...what if I pushed her head into a wastebasket and pretended I was doing a hot mannequin, like that pouty-nippled thing at Gottschalks? Wait, no...shit, if the garbage stinks that'll wreck my boner. Hmm...I guess I could always saw her head off...oh, wait, nope...illegal. What a bind!
"No, the only way this could work is if she agreed to come with me immediately to a butt surgeon and get that idiotic thing fixed. Otherwise there is just no way I would even consider fucking her.
How does she get her butt to do that? I wonder if she had surgery on her butt...maybe she had butt cancer and had to have the lower part of her butt amputated. Either way - thanks but NO THANKS, lady. Not with a stolen dick. Are there such things as butt surgeons? There should be. I should write my Congressman. Who is my Congressman? Great - more shit I have to find out.
"God damn. I would think fucking just about anyone would be better than robo-butt up there. Courtney Love? Yeah, fucking Courtney Love would be preferable to that. Liza Minelli? Yeah, I'd probably rather go for it with Liza Minelli than with that chick. Kevin Costner? Yeah, no question, I'd go nuts-deep in the Kev long before the rear-end amputee up there. Mel Gibson? Yeah, I think I'd rather fuck Mel. My boss? Yeah, I'd probably rather do it with my boss. My boss's boss? Yeah, shit, probably.
"Michael Jackson? Yeah, definitely. What about Michael Jackson back when he was black? Yeah, OK, sure. What about Michael Jackson now? ...yeah, still, it would be better than that gangly fruit with the Boy Scout butt.
"OK, here's one - Lady Gaga. Absolutely YES I would rather fuck Lady Gaga than this walrus stuffed into denim. OK, what about this - Lady Gaga, but Lady Gaga wearing a fat suit that's slick with some kind of oil? Hmm...nope, not un-turning me off on this buttless wonder at all, not yet. I'll take Lady Gaga in a fat suit covered in oil.
"...seriously, this is breaking my brain. All a woman has to do is look good. THAT'S IT. That's all she would have to do. All this bitch had to do today is wake up, look at herself in the goddamn mirror, accentuate the good parts and obscure the bad parts. THAT'S IT. Is that so fucking hard? Instead she decided to dress herself up so she looks like she's smuggling someone's baby across town in the seat of her pants. Fuck! Is this a migraine coming on? God I hate this woman.
"OK, time for a rapid-fire pop quiz. Off the top of my head:
My neighbor? Yes, I would rather fuck my neighbor than a girl with a butt like that.
My mailman?Yes, I would rather fuck my mailman than a girl with a butt like that.
Local news anchorperson? Yes, I would rather fuck muy local news anchor person than a girl with a butt like that.
Weatherman from the local news? Yes, I'd rather fuck the weatherman than a girl with a butt like that.
Nice chubby lady from the gas station? Yes, I'd rather fuck the chubby lady from the gas station than a girl with a butt like that.
Werewolf-looking, can-collecting homeless guy? Yes, I'd rather fuck the homeless werewolf guy than a girl with a butt like that.
Greek lady at the deli? Yes, I'd rather fuck the Greek lady than a girl with a butt like that.
My mother? ...yeah, OK, I'd rather fuck my mother than a girl with a butt like that.
My sister? Yeah, her too.
My cousin? Hell yeah, that's the easiest one of the three, gimme a hard one next time.
OK...Danzig. Yes, I would rather fuck Glenn Danzig than a girl with a butt like that.
A threesome with Danzig and a Great Dane. Yes, I would rather have the threesome than a girl with a butt like that.
Robocop? Yes, I would rather fuck Robocop than a girl with a butt like that.
A Predator? Yes, I would rather fuck the Predator than a girl with a butt like that.
The Toxic Avenger? Yes, I would rather fuck the Toxic Avenger than a girl with a butt like that.
A Penis Duel with a hungry rattlesnake's mouth? Yes, I would rather fuck a hungry rattlesnake in the mouth until one of us died.
A loaded bear trap? Yes, I would rather fuck a loaded bear trap than a girl with a butt like that.
The push switch to a biological weapon? Yes, I would rather fuck-start a bioweapon than a girl with a butt like that.
An AIDS needle? Yes, I would rather fuck an AIDS needle than a girl with a butt like that.
Sigfried & Roy's tiger collection? Yes, I would rather become a tiger gangbang recipient than fuck a girl with a butt like that.
"OK, so that's settled: I'm probably never going to even consider fucking this girl. Now, let's get theoretical - let's take a girl that is universally accepted as being a superhottie...let's take Jessica Simpson (or it can be Jessica Alba if the last few generations of your family haven't had very much money). Now attach Robo-Butt's rear-end to Jessica in your imagination. Picture it as vividly and clearly as you can, try to hold on to the image. ...Jessica...plus the butt in the picture up there. Now...you got it? OK, so answer me this - would you fuck this new buttless version of Jessica?
I don't think I would! Here's why..."
___
Well, ladies? Did we learn something today? Do you really want to be out thinking you're turning heads & breaking hearts but instead you've got guys walking behind you thinking things like that? Aside from learning that maybe getting whistled at by a construction worker isn't necessarily the worst thing on the planet, I hope we learned that - in spite of the massive importance your kind historically places on how you look - how you look just might be even more important than you think it is.
You're welcome.
D.H.
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