Remember back when you were just a child? All those dreams you had, all those glamorous and exciting things you saw yourself doing? Maybe being a rock star, or James Bond, or soldier, or cop? Or - for you ladies - maybe a housewife, or witty spinster, or Richard Gere's mistress? Remember those days?
I only mention this because I just realized that I was about to sit down and write what could and probably will be construed as "fashion advice," and when I came to this realization I actually heard myself say out loud "Oh my God, what have I done with my life." Thought maybe some of you would understand.
Permit me a second little preamble here. Those of you who know me in real life know that I often make the following observation: "No one is ever as smart as they think they are." I'm going to offer an amended yet no-less-valid variation of this concept:
FEW PEOPLE ARE GENUINELY HONEST WITH THEMSELVES WHEN IT COMES TO HOW THEY LOOK. With this firmly in mind, we forge onward: I have come up with yet another easy way to help mankind (by which I mean the MAN half, of course) - how to determine whether or not skinny jeans are for you. I've done this in my usual way - by compiling a list. Please see below.
THE COMPLETE LIST OF MEN WHO CAN PULL OFF SKINNY JEANS:
1. No one.
2. Especially not you.
Easypeasy, no? Your decision has been made without an ounce of heartburn. You love me. You wish you could vote for me in some way.
Now - is this going to help anything, this list of mine? Honestly - probably not. Few people see this blog, and fewer still heed anything I say (its been like that ever since my "Jesus Is Bullshit" campaign back in junior high). I seriously doubt I'm going to stop anyone from making the mistake of buying and/or publicly wearing skinny jeans.
With this in mind, I propose a second list. THE COMPLETE LIST OF TECHNIQUES THAT MEN IN SKINNY JEANS CAN EMPLOY TO PRESENT THEMSELVES IN A PASSABLE WAY.
1. The sag - this is an option that - unfortunately - we are ALL familiar with by now. For those of you who have been in a coma from the 1980s up until this past week, I'll explain: back in the late eighties, the hip-hop culture - which up until this point could really only be called sub-culture - became mainstream.
What did this mean? Well, for one, it meant that all of a sudden a look that had previously only been favored by criminals and other types who wished to conceal a) their weapons and b) their physical descriptions caught on overnight, and suddenly no one's clothes fit.
Additionally, dudes began to disagree with professional clothing designers about the belt line of their pants; it became commonplace to see pants intentionally lowered from their intended position on the hips by anywhere from two to eight inches.
This is the technique I'm recommending here. The good - its easily the cheapest option, works with any pair of pants you might find, AND it will work on those you already have. The bad - it typically looks pretty retarded if you end up giving people a glance of your new and improved beltline, so pay attention to your shirt length and limit reaching overhead. Oh, and in case it does happen - be mindful of the fact that your boxers are now part of your visible ensemble and select them accordingly.
Ninja's Note: this is not to be construed as my permission to go be a goddamned fool. You only need to sag an inch or two; you want to remove groin pressure by creating slack in the fabric and lower the crotch of your jeans. That's it. Don't be retarded.
2. The drop crotch - this is the preferred method for several reasons. First, a photo.
A. For you sag enthusiasts, note that you can't accidentally pull your pants up and look like this until you figure it out and sag them again:
B. You can have less-than-attractive thighs and still get away with it (compare the drop crotch image with the image at the top of the post and tell me which is less uncomfortable to look at).
C. It's a slightly edgier look, which - let's face facts here - is what 99.9% of you who dabble in skinny jeans are going for anyways. Admit it - you don't wear them to look like Eastern European gymnasts, like the guy in the image up top. You wear them to look like you might be an ex-member of Green Day.
The bottom line - go with the drop crotch. You can still look like a member of AWOLnation without showing the world your individual ball wrinkles if you accidentally pull your pants up too high.
3. Be a high school student - High school kids can get away with it, and even if they couldn't, it's fuckin pointless to even try. Lucky for us, no one gives a shit about what high school kids do anyway, and unless you live on my street, no one even notices. If you do live on my street, you've probably got crosshairs pointed at you RIGHT NOW, so STAY OFF MY FUCKIN LAWN. You JACKASS.
Anyways. Forgot what I was saying.
Just don't be retarded, look at yourself in the mirror once in a while, and if you notice that you look like a fuckin retard, don't turn and look at yourself from a different angle thinking it'll change. Be honest with yourself for once. SHIT I get tired of handholding you people.
I only mention this because I just realized that I was about to sit down and write what could and probably will be construed as "fashion advice," and when I came to this realization I actually heard myself say out loud "Oh my God, what have I done with my life." Thought maybe some of you would understand.
Permit me a second little preamble here. Those of you who know me in real life know that I often make the following observation: "No one is ever as smart as they think they are." I'm going to offer an amended yet no-less-valid variation of this concept:
FEW PEOPLE ARE GENUINELY HONEST WITH THEMSELVES WHEN IT COMES TO HOW THEY LOOK. With this firmly in mind, we forge onward: I have come up with yet another easy way to help mankind (by which I mean the MAN half, of course) - how to determine whether or not skinny jeans are for you. I've done this in my usual way - by compiling a list. Please see below.
Please do not be this man.
THE COMPLETE LIST OF MEN WHO CAN PULL OFF SKINNY JEANS:
1. No one.
2. Especially not you.
Easypeasy, no? Your decision has been made without an ounce of heartburn. You love me. You wish you could vote for me in some way.
Now - is this going to help anything, this list of mine? Honestly - probably not. Few people see this blog, and fewer still heed anything I say (its been like that ever since my "Jesus Is Bullshit" campaign back in junior high). I seriously doubt I'm going to stop anyone from making the mistake of buying and/or publicly wearing skinny jeans.
With this in mind, I propose a second list. THE COMPLETE LIST OF TECHNIQUES THAT MEN IN SKINNY JEANS CAN EMPLOY TO PRESENT THEMSELVES IN A PASSABLE WAY.
1. The sag - this is an option that - unfortunately - we are ALL familiar with by now. For those of you who have been in a coma from the 1980s up until this past week, I'll explain: back in the late eighties, the hip-hop culture - which up until this point could really only be called sub-culture - became mainstream.
What did this mean? Well, for one, it meant that all of a sudden a look that had previously only been favored by criminals and other types who wished to conceal a) their weapons and b) their physical descriptions caught on overnight, and suddenly no one's clothes fit.
Additionally, dudes began to disagree with professional clothing designers about the belt line of their pants; it became commonplace to see pants intentionally lowered from their intended position on the hips by anywhere from two to eight inches.
This is the technique I'm recommending here. The good - its easily the cheapest option, works with any pair of pants you might find, AND it will work on those you already have. The bad - it typically looks pretty retarded if you end up giving people a glance of your new and improved beltline, so pay attention to your shirt length and limit reaching overhead. Oh, and in case it does happen - be mindful of the fact that your boxers are now part of your visible ensemble and select them accordingly.
Ninja's Note: this is not to be construed as my permission to go be a goddamned fool. You only need to sag an inch or two; you want to remove groin pressure by creating slack in the fabric and lower the crotch of your jeans. That's it. Don't be retarded.
2. The drop crotch - this is the preferred method for several reasons. First, a photo.
There we go. You see that? All the room and comfort of normal pants whilst maintaining the - I guess - aesthetically pleasing look of skinny jeans. Looks like you're sagging a bit...but you're not. Also known as carrot fit, this is the more expensive option but the one I recommend if you have the means without the common sense enough to heed my first warning, which is just not to do skinny jeans period.
Reasons why this suggestion is better than anything you could come up with on your own:
B. You can have less-than-attractive thighs and still get away with it (compare the drop crotch image with the image at the top of the post and tell me which is less uncomfortable to look at).
C. It's a slightly edgier look, which - let's face facts here - is what 99.9% of you who dabble in skinny jeans are going for anyways. Admit it - you don't wear them to look like Eastern European gymnasts, like the guy in the image up top. You wear them to look like you might be an ex-member of Green Day.
The bottom line - go with the drop crotch. You can still look like a member of AWOLnation without showing the world your individual ball wrinkles if you accidentally pull your pants up too high.
3. Be a high school student - High school kids can get away with it, and even if they couldn't, it's fuckin pointless to even try. Lucky for us, no one gives a shit about what high school kids do anyway, and unless you live on my street, no one even notices. If you do live on my street, you've probably got crosshairs pointed at you RIGHT NOW, so STAY OFF MY FUCKIN LAWN. You JACKASS.
Anyways. Forgot what I was saying.
Just don't be retarded, look at yourself in the mirror once in a while, and if you notice that you look like a fuckin retard, don't turn and look at yourself from a different angle thinking it'll change. Be honest with yourself for once. SHIT I get tired of handholding you people.
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