Watch out for spoilers, you babies.
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Awesome, it's time for more bullshit with this bald guy.
Shit. Here we go again. For those of you who don't have any Internet (...?...), this idiot is Kratos of Sparda, aka the "Ghost of Sparda," aka "Living Proof that Sony Santa Monica Ate Shit When Stig Assmussin (sp?) Took Over." Mercifully for us, the gaming audience, Kratos was lovingly slaughtered by a sword through the chest at the finale of God of War 3...so you can imagine my frustration when Sony began to run some idiotic web countdown campaign a few weeks back...one which clearly pointed to the existence of a fourth goddamn God of War game.
It was one of Sony's web sites loaded with the following image which was supposed to get us pumped prior to "surprising" us all with the announcement of GOW4 on 4/19:
Sony, here's a tip to help maintain suspense when you attempt bullshit publicity crap like this in the future: name the image on your web servers something other than "GOW4_teaser.jpg." You kinda let the kitty out of the bag a little early there, maybe?
Fuck. So, yeah, I'm annoyed - I'm sick of Kratos and I'm done with God of War...and yet part 1 & 2 were sooo good that I'm sure I'll have to play this Ascension crap. And I'm sure after the utter failure that was GOW3, this Ascension is going to suck every bit as bad.
So - not the most timely of topics - I thought I'd take a stroll down memory lane and remind myself why I hate GOW3 so much. Who's with me?? Alright, let's do it!
1. You climbed all the way up to Olympus only to be instantly blasted by a Zeus bolt to the face and fall off the world? I thought you bald Vin Diesel guys were supposed to be tougher than that.
For those that don't care about story and presentation in their games, you're actually kinda lucky here. If you'll recall, in one of the most memorable cliff-hanger endings in video game history, God of War 2 ended with Kratos rallying the Titans to storm Olympus. The final cinema ended with Kratos riding on Gaea's back shouting up at Zeus.
Then after a multi-year waiting period - during which our imaginations stirred up all sorts of images and scenarios involving what will happen when Kratos reaches Olympus - GOW3 finally dropped. Picking up exactly where GOW2 leaves off, Kratos is on the back of the Titan climbing up to Olympus. Yet as soon as he gets there, Zeus blasts him like Tupac after Fight Night and down goes Kratos. No one likes it when cliff hangers end like that. I waited all those years to watch Kratos get hit with a little lightning bolt? Hahahahaha that's retarded! Just before rallying the Titans at the end of GOW2 he fought Zeus and took at least a few lightning bolts to the face...they weren't exactly fatal.
2. Really? No skippable cutscenes?
Fuck. This one was TEDIOUS. Not so much the first time thru the game, but the second? Yeah, it was a horrible idea.
In a nutshell, the Geniuses from College over at Sony Santa Monica decided that - in order to reduce the effect of excruciating load times, they would have the game load behind the scenes while the cinemas/cutscenes played out. The only drawback? You can't fucking skip the cutscenes. Ever.
Either you've played the game and you're with me on this or you haven't. Don't even bother trying to imagine it if that's the case; even your imagination will fail to illustrate how truly tedious it is to be forced to sit through the same cinemas over and over. Sometimes loading screens aren't the worst things in the world.
3. Hades? ...again? You're fuckin kidding me, right?
No kidding, I about shat the bed when the first real, genuine area opens up in GOW3 and...it's fucking Hades. For those that don't recall, Kratos goes to Hades in not just GOW, but GOW2 as well. No one on God's green earth wanted to go to Hades a third time, you numbskulls. FUCK! Are you guys trying to see how quick you can turn off your audience?
4. Here's a Puzzle: Where Are All the Goddamned Puzzles?
SHIT, this one made me so mad I wanted to take a shit in my GOW3 case and mail it back to Stig personally. See, Amydroid was every bit the GOW fan that I was prior to GOW3 dropping, because there were elements there for both of us: I had the combat to play with, and my wife was bananas for the puzzles. They were awesome! Pulling levers...pushing blocks and statues around...and the first two GOW games were loaded with them. So much so that it wouldn't be much of a stretch to say the formula that led to the epic success of GOW and GOW2 was 50% action + 50% puzzles = happy gamers.
The piece of shit that was GOW3 had - that I recall - two puzzles: the Hades room puzzle and...I forget what they called the other place. The MC Escher puzzle. What a failure. You and Hayashi should go get naked somewhere, Stig.
5. At Least We'll Get to Breathe in the Epic Scope of the War on Olympus...Right?
Fuckin wrong again, Lahey: as soon as your sorry ass climbs out of Hades - again - and you reach the gate leading to Olympus, you get to kill a handful of enemies and the gates open. Here you kinda see one of the Titans and Helios going at it for a few seconds and then you pull Helios' head off and enter a retarded cavern for some reason. Again - really?
This is obviously not the only glimpse of Olympus you get - there's also a queer little area where you have to chase Hermes - but aside from the dumb opener involving Gaea and Poseidon the Water-Horse-Crab Guy, it's about all you're going to get to see of this epic war that Kratos started.
6. The Labyrinth Was and Is a Complete Joke.
As an extra-special "fuck you" to God of War fans the world over, Stig arranged for one flaming middle finger that deserves special attention here: the labyrinth. Set near the end of the game, by the time you arrive for the first time, you're at least a little apprehensive: for what feels like (and may very well actually be) the entire second half of the game, you've been warned by practically every NPC you come across: watch out fot the LABYRINTH. You are doomed! You will die in the labyrinth!!
Not so much, actually! As it turns out, the labyrinth ended up being a big cube made up of small rooms, and I swear, I think you only actually go through like three or four of these small rooms. Minor booby traps and easy enemies await you, so watch out! I think I was through it in ten minutes looking over at Amydroid going: "HEY, THAT WASN'T THE FUCKIN LABYRINTH...WAS IT?? MAN I HATE THIS GODDAMN GAME!"
7. Sony Santa Monica Put Twice the Effort Into the Zeus Battle at the End of GOW2.
Seriously, I was really expecting something special when it came to fight Zeus at the end of GOW3; after the amazing battle between Kratos and Zeus at the end of part 2, how could they not?
Zeus. Big whoop.
8. The Game Felt Like Half a Game.
When all was said and done, I thought back about my time spent in Kratos' world: hunting Sirens by sound in the desert, the Temple of the Oracle, my first glimps of Ares raining fire down on Athens. Retrieving Pandora's box from the temple on the back of Kronos. Meeting Prometheus, or the barbarian king. The steeds of time, the Sisters of Fate.
...and finally falling to Hades, climbing out, discovering this retarded chain that you have to climb up and down over and over, and performing a fatality on Zeus. Doesn't seem right, does it? Seems like we missed out on quite a bit of substance there.
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In the end, GOW3 fails on about every level, and it's difficult to put your finger on why. You have some of the best graphics ever developed, tons of money and talent, and a ravenous fan base. What could go wrong, right?
Hi!
Well, it's just more evidence that you really need a visionary in the director's chair when it comes to a production like this. Actually, scratch that - you might just need someone with a cohesive vision, not necessarily a "visionary." Stig the Asshole took over and clearly didn't know what the fuck he was doing. After all, how does one go from GOW2 (PS2-quality graphics) to GOW3 (PS3 quality), yet have the scope of GOW3 completely dwarfed by it's last-gen predecessor? The Sisters of Fate, the Steeds of Time...everything about part 2 was epic and staggering. Part 3 was tight & cramped to the point of claustrophobic and there was simply nothing timeless, classic, or epic about it.
Ninja's Note: you know what would have been awesome? Years ago, I was talking with someone about the God of War games and it occurred to me: Ares - the actual God of War, who Kratos whacked at the end of the first GOW game - had two sons that he always took into battle with him: Phobos (panic) and Deimos (dread). Wouldn't it have been utterly amazing to have your GOW3 plot revolve around those two maniacs, rather than more of this Zeus bullshit? Like Kratos has to take a break from revenge entirely because Ares' kids have come around to kick his ass up and down the block. FUCK THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN AWESOME.
Even more recently I was talking about GOW4 with someone (probably the same person, let's face the fact that I don't talk to many humanoids), and I started thinking about how they could make part 4 engaging: don't make me play as Kratos. Fuck, the dude is all played out! We get it already! Fuckin guy was manipulated into killing his own family, got pissed, went nuts, and then hell broke loose (basically). This isn't a character we're going to be able to explore much further, guys.
So how about this - we all recall how GOW3 ended - Kratos impales himself on a sword and dies. But then once the credits roll, we flash back and - gasp - his body is missing.
What iffff...what if there's a new character (ideally one that wields a whole new series of weapons, is limber, quick, and comes with a combat system with a little depth to it). Someone who loathes Kratos. Someone who hates Kratos with every fiber of his being. Someone who has spent years channeling his energy away from hating Kratos and into a new endeavor (doesn't matter what it is).
And we meet this character at a crossroads in his life - he learns that in order to achieve whatever goal it is he is working towards - he requires the help of Kratos. There is no other way around it: without Kratos's assistance - and only Kratos - this goal will never be accomplished.
So the first game would lead him all over, gathering gear (much like Kratos's first adventure), following Kratos's trail, and at the end, he misses Kratos by a matter of minutes and Kratos is dead. So, he does what any of us would do - he swipes the body.
The next game could be him tying to research and gather the gear to reanimate Kratos.
The final game could be him succeeding, working with Kratos to accomplish the goal, and then...we'd get to put Kratos back in the ground.
If you say: "Droid Hayabusa, I do not have goosebumps on my arms right now after reading your story synopsis," then I say: "You are a goddamn liar."
Who's with me??
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FUCK YOU, KRATOS.
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