The Universal Logo for Our Failing Human Race

Yet again I have another little essay to post here and on some level I can hear that voice in my head saying Hey...hey buddy...this might not go the way you think it will.  Nevertheless - what do we know about people who let fear into their hearts?  People who let fear into their hearts finish last, so I best press on.

The written journey I am about to embark upon is a perfect example of one group of people making what I consider to be a sizable mistake...and then the rest of American society deciding that they actually want in on it and making an even bigger one.  This is the perfect illustration of the inherent psychological problems with the modern human condition.  That's the bad news -  the good news is that those of us who are capable of identifying and understanding the problem have taken the first step towards correction.  You're welcome.

So let's get this party started - what the Sam Hell is KA 4993?  Glad you asked - it's the California Highway Patrol's radio frequency.  Somewhere - it's believed to have originated in Los Angeles County, but who knows for sure or gives a shit - somewhere, a group of these badged cowboys decided that speeding and running red lights whilst on duty and in their cruiser wasn't enough - they wanted it to apply to their personal vehicles and while they were off-duty.  So they came up with this sweet little plan - have some license plate frames made up that - to they layman - would be meaningless.  But to another CHP officer?  Tell me, knowing what you know now - if you were a CHP officer, would you pull over an Escalade with KA 4993 on the license plate?  I sure as fuck wouldn't, I don't care how bad the guy's weaving.  Might be your boss in there, you dig?

NOW STOP RIGHT THERE.

Stop right there and observe what is going on inside your own brain right now.  If you are like most pigheaded self-absorbed Americans, you are thinking: "FUCK ME, THAT RULES...WHERE CAN I GET ME ONE OF THOSE THINGS??"  Shame on you and your whole useless family.  Would you like to know what should be going through your mind right now?  I'll be more than happy to tell you:

You should be thinking: "Every single one of those fucking assholes should be rounded up and fired from the Highway Patrol and blacklisted from working any kind of law enforcement or private security job that pays more than ten dollars an hour for the rest of their lives."

That is what you should be thinking.

Here's what may come as news to many of you: law enforcement officers in general already receive enough preferential treatment to gag a glutton.  Free lunches.  Unbelievable discounts on products and services.  Constant praise from complete strangers for doing their paid job.  And, most importantly - while on duty (and arguable while off duty as well), the laws that bind our modern society together do not apply in the same way to a law enforcement officer.

Now - do I care about said preferential treatment?  Not at all.  Perks evolve in any profession.  So while you have hordes of law enforcement officers out there who haven't paid for a lunch since the year started with a "19," you also have doctors out there who can write themselves prescriptions for whatever they fucking want.  Pro athletes get the best medicine, therapy, and training...I, meanwhile am constantly get pelted with chicks' panties.  This is not the basis for any sort of complaint.

The basis of the complaint is this: what we have in Los Angeles County - or wherever this diarrhea storm started - is a group of guys who wanted more than their fair share of preferential treatment.  They wanted to be able to swerve home from the bars after their shift ended without fear of being pulled over.  They didn't want to have to worry about explaining away the hooker in their passenger seat when they get popped rolling a stop sign at 3am.  They didn't want the bag of mostly-nutrasweet that they paid eighty dollars for to end up confiscated and snorted by a coworker.

Enter the KA 4993 license plate frame - unobtrusive to a layman, yet it screams DO NOT TOUCH to another CHP officer.

Here's the fun part - did they leave it at that?  Hell no.  Much like AIDS, it spread rampant all throughout California in less than a decade.  Every cop and his brother began sporting one.  Even better - soon all their oinking families sporting them too.  So  the device intended to identify the driver of a vehicle as a CHP officer evolved into a means to identify the driver of a vehicle as someone who is associated in some way with the CHP.  In other words - you wanted to share some of that preferential treatment with your family.

That, at least, is the least dishonorable thing about this whole shit-igloo.  It's also, however, the least intelligent: guess who, as a general rule, is pretty good at keeping secrets?  Cops.  Now, as a general rule, guess who's not?  MOST OTHER PEOPLE.  So, as our saga continued into the 1990s, suddenly the true meaning of KA 4993 became common knowledge.

AGAIN - STOP RIGHT THERE.

Goddammit, people.  This is where our story should END.  This - the "making public" of the true meaning of the KA 4993 license plate frame (and the mass firing of every officer who participated, if you ask me) - should make up the end of our little tale.  Nope.  Leave it to the ever-watchful and opportunistic-to-the-point-of-self-destructive American!  This is the part of our story where our Idiot Society Full of Geniuses from College all decide to "get in on it," even though it has nothing to do with them.

Crafty Joe Publics out there began buying license plate frames and having them engraved with "KA 4993" in an attempt to trick law enforcement officers into not pulling them over.  The entrepreneurial ones amongst us began manufacturing and selling customized "KA 4993" license frames to any ol' Joe Public out there with the money.  Hippies in Volkswagens - and I'm not talking the VW Bug, either, I'm talking about the Hippie Bus that could hold forty of those fuckers - hippies in VWs began sporting them.  At one point, I had - I am not joking about this in the slightest - I had a neighbor who sold massive amounts of weed.  Like you could smell his house from the corner.  Anyways, this white little slim shady-looking dude used to drive around in a hoopty - custom rims, the works - with a no-shit Hefty bag packed full of weed on the passenger seat next to him.  Even he had a KA 4993 frame wrapped snug around his license plate.

Are you picking any of what I am putting down here?  One of the greatest lessons a person can take away from this post is this: whenever a new concept is born into our society - and it can be anything, from pet rocks to skinny jeans - whenever a new concept is born, by the time it becomes universally accepted by the American public, your best bet is to PASS on it.  Because guess what?  If the American public has universally accepted it - chances are, it's completely fucked.

So where do we stand today?  I don't even know.  I imagine only the most hardcore CHP officers even give a shit about the frames anymore.  When I'm on the road and I spot one of these things, unless I see some dude with a high & tight and a moustache with mirrored aviators behind the wheel, I'm apt to think to myself: "You're announcing to the world that you're a complete fraud and you're an idiot to boot."  Maybe I'll give them the ol' one-two combo of cutting them off followed by a quick brake check.  When they start yelling I'll flip them off and tell them to sic their cop buddies on me.  Then I laugh like a madman and throw my drink at them.  Seriously, I like to think that this whole Carnival of Shame is over; occasionally you'll spot someone on the Internet asking about what KA 4993 means, and judging from the flood of responses he or she receives, I'm inclined to believe that even California's ESL population knows about it.  Having a KA 4993 frame today is about as valuable as a bumper sticker that reads "Odds are, I'm lying right now."

I'm going to leave you with some wisdom here.  This is a lesson that my wife and I have both learned after decades of combined experience as California drivers.  Ready?  Here it is:

If you don't want a law enforcement officer fucking with you, don't break the law.  If you do break the law, take it on the chin when you get popped.