Shitty Employers Exposed: Count Dracula

Department of Industrial Relations
Occupational Safety & Health Administration

Notice of Serious Violation

Citation and Notification of Penalty

To: Count Dracula
and his successors
Castle Dracula, Transylvania

Inspection Site:
Castle Dracula, Transylvania
Herein referred to as “Castlevania”

Inspection Date: January 2012
Citation Date: April 3, 2012

The violation(s) described in this Citation and Notification of Penalty is (are) alleged

to have occurred on or about the day(s) the inspection was made unless otherwise indicated

within the description given below.

Penalties are due within 15 working days of receipt of this notice unless contested. If the Count wishes to appeal any of the noted violations, remittance is still due on any and all items that are not being appealed.

Citation 1 Item 1

Violation Type: SERIOUS

Existing preventative measures to eliminate dangerous and/or supernatural wildlife insufficient. Inspector documented the following on the first floor interior alone: weird dog-looking things, fish creatures, and what was only described by the inspector as “a fireball-spewing bat the size of a butt-fucking Volkswagen.”

Photodocumentation included below:

Citation 1 Item 2

Violation Type: SERIOUS

Inspector noted bottles of blue, extremely flammable liquid stashed behind candle sconces. Inspector was unable to identify liquid, however, inspector noted that liquid was so flammable that, upon breaking of glass bottle, chemical automatically burst into flame with no evident ignition source. Locations where bottles were found behind sconces too numerous to list. Other hazards noted behind sconces include blades, sharp-edged materials, and for some reason pork chops.

Photodocumentation included below:

Citation 1 Item 3

Violation Type: SERIOUS

Inspector noted open pits and fall hazards all throughout the castle. Not a single pit was marked or roped off. Inspector is amazed to note that employer has not sustained a single employee fatality due to falling.

Photodocumentation included below:

Citation 1 Item 4

Violation Type: WILLFUL

Inspector is pretty sure there’s a fuckin Frankenstein on one floor of the castle. While no federal or local statute prohibits the Count from keeping a pet Frankenstein, the Count still has a responsibility to identify all potential workplace hazards and mitigate as is reasonable. Keeping a goddamn pet Frankenstein, in this inspector's opinion, violates the very spirit of this requirement.

Photodocumentation included below:

Citation 1 Item 5

Violation Type: SERIOUS

Lack of employee training: inspector was struck with a bone in the morgue area. Inspector investigated and noticed numerous employees lumbering about the area with bones in their hands; periodically each employee would throw their bone across the area. When the employees were asked if the employees had ever received training on throwing bones, employees threw bones at the inspector.

Photodocumentation included below:

Citation 1 Item 6

Violation Type: SERIOUS

Inspector noted the presence of large birds near clock tower area. This concern is only partially based in the interests of sanitation; additionally, the birds are very large and the inspector’s opinion is that the birds are large and aggressive enough to knock an average-sized full-grown man off the various platforms and floors in the most goddamn infuriating manner possible.  Handwritten quote from inspector's notepad: "Fuck those goddamn birds."

Photodocumentation included below:

Conclusion and recommendations:

As an employer, you have a responsibility to send your employees home at the end of the day in the same condition in which they appeared for work that same morning. Your complete and utter disregard for this responsibility - which appears to have dated back to the very design and construction of your centuries-old workplace - is nothing short of appalling.

It is the recommendation of the Division that a copy of this citation be provided to your local authorities for prosecution.