THE Greatest Band of All Time

"We shall go on to the end.  We shall fight in France.  We shall fight on the seas and oceans.  We shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air.  We shall defend our island...whatever the cost may be.  We shall fight on beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds.  We shall fight in the fields and in the streets.  We shall fight in the hills.
We shall never surrender."

Fuckin hell, I know, right?  What the hell has taken me so long?  What the hell have I been doing with my life?  (Answer: top-secret awesome shit, like watching Cheers reruns.)  Seems it was so long ago that we began down this long, nostalgia-filled path with the Motleys, and today - that's right, today - we've finally arrived.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you: The Greatest Band of All Time - IRON MAIDEN.

Right out the gate - and if you were to ask me what I meant by "gate," my best reply I guess would be "uhh...the year of our Lord 1975," which, btw, is back when Droid H. was just a gleam in Father Droid's eye - right out the gate, these guys came hard and fast.

Times were changing; Maiden was right on the early cusp of a movement which came to be known as "New Wave of British Heavy Metal." Simply put?  This was a reaction to crappy music.  This is part of a cycle that repeats itself in an endless loop:

1. A good, legitimate artist - with a sound all their own, which can only be described as "new" - breaks through and launches themselves into stardom.
2. Everyone - from record company execs to other struggling musicians - decides they want a piece of it.
3. Artists adjust their sounds to resemble this supergroup.  Execs reward this bullshit with record contracts and massive amounts of promotion for these knock-off acts.
4. Suddenly there are 900 Motley Crues or 500 Pearl Jams to choose from, or a band named after every country and/or territory in existence (Asia!  Europe!  Kansas [really, guys?  Kansas??]!  Boston!).  The airwaves become thick and stale.  I consider suicide daily, every time the radio is on.
5. A good, legitimate artist - with a sound all their own, which can only be described as "new" - breaks through and launches themselves into stardom.
6. Rinse & repeat.

Does it matter what Maiden was a reaction to, then?  Not so much.  What matters is that they chose to react:

1. Energy 9/10 
FUCK YES they are energetic.  Are you insane??  It's Iron Maiden, retard!  Put down your stupid books and go listen to a metal album once in a while, idiot.

The first time Maiden truly gripped me by the Ninja Throat and threatened to snap my sissy little neck in half was their Live After Death album.  I remember it vividly; a fade into the sound of a riotous crowd, and suddenly a speech begins (I would learn later in life that it was a Winston Churchill speech, and that Mr. Churchill was not even part of the band, in fact I don't think he even knew how to play any of the Holy Four Instruments of Metal...far as I know, that speech was the only important thing he ever did).

Then?  Suddenly?  An explosion of melodic tension-building guitars, drums and bass in what you were pretty sure was only half-time and not necessarily reflective of the song's true tempo.  Sure enough - four or eight repeats in - BOOM, the metal train pauses ever so briefly before it screeches right off the rails and floors the accelerator towards oblivion: "Aces High" is underway.

This is a song - nay, an anthem - this is an anth [snick]

Let me slice that sentence in half midway with my Word Katana and adjust my way of thinking.  Anthem?  Screw that, this is a Masterpeice of Energy.  That's what we'll call it.  This is a Holy Masterpeice of Raw Energy that, at it's core, simply exists to get the listener pumped the fuck up.  No joke, try it.  How about this: try it at the gym while you're working out.  I guarantee you that you can boost your typical weight by ten percent as long as this song is playing.

Or, equally likely, you will injure yourself.  Probably want to ask for a spotter just in case you're on the verge of discovering that you're a weakling.

Now...you probably want to ask me about this energy, and my thoughts on why it's so energetic, huh?  Well, we'll just have to read on for that.  The reasons for it belong here, true, but they belong in the next category just a bit more.

2. Quality of Material - 8/10
The Iron Maiden catalog represents a virtually endless supply of top-shelf material (unlike our number two band).  I could get into exploring the studio albums, or the live albums, or any number of favorite songs I have of theirs...but instead I'd like to discuss what makes it quality material.

The writing - which we'll cover more in category 3 - is only part of the equation.  A much bigger part - and a much larger piece of the pie, if you want my opinion - is the quality of musicianship.

For once, we have a guitar-driven rock band where the guitars are actually the weak link in the musical chain.  Think about that for a minute.  These guitars are supported by one of the best rhythm sections in the world: Steve Harris and Nicko McBrain.

As a bassist, Harris wrote the book on the galloping technique for bass, but he's also capable of using the technique at blisteringly fast speeds.  Now just stop right there - I know what you're thinking.  You're thinking: "Well, so what, guy can sling a pick real fast.  Big whoop, so can CC Deville."  Fuckin wrong again, Lahey:

Do you see a pick there?  Nope, this psycho does it all with his fingers.  Gallop away into the night, Mr. Harris.  Might wanna make sure the safety is on before you go.

Nicko, meanwhile, routinely wows other drummers worldwide with his fundamental-based approach to drumming: he doesn't employ anything extraneous, he simply does what he needs to do with a minimum of gear.  Example: a second kick drum (or a second kick drum pedal on your single kick drum) has pretty become industry standard; some drummers wouldn't have a career without them (Lars Ulrich, Vinny Abbott).  Nicko?  He says FUCK YOU, I'm doing it with one pedal.  And indeed, he is so good with his single kick drum pedal that he's known as a drummer's drummer.  Drummers like Tommy Lee walk away from seeing Nicko shaking their heads and going "MAN, how does he do it?"  Well, I guess Tommy Lee is a bad example...he probably walks away thinking "MAN, I gotta go punch Pam in the stomach..."  Just speculating.

I would suggest that - in addition to the writing - the fact that your rhythm section is constantly playing right on the cusp of human capacity for speed and accuracy lends a little something to your music that you won't find elsewhere.  It's like what you get when you crank your guitar amp from 9 to 10; you expect an increase in volume, and indeed you get that, but you also get something else.  When you push something to it's limit, you often create a situation where there's a synergy that cannot be imitated.

3. Creativity in Content and Structure - 8/10
Maiden's score in this category is due to one man and one man alone:

That's right - this madman pretending to mow down the crowd with an imaginary machine gun is actually one of the most accomplished and most prolific rock musicians in the world.  Steve goddamn Harris, bitches.

You can point out examples of Maiden songs where they've followed a more traditional structure, sure, but...isn't that to be expected a little when you're dealing with a band with a catalog that consists of hundreds of songs?  Further, for every "Evil That Men Do," there's a "Rime of the Ancient Mariner."  For every "From Here to Eternity," there's an "Afraid to Shoot Strangers" just waiting around the corner.

Ninja's Note: I just realized something: I smell bourbon.  This is only noteworthy because I'm in my office which I have owned and occupied since the place was built, and as far as I know - no one has ever drank bourbon in here.  How weird is that?  Can a brand new home be haunted?  That's some shit right there.  Remind me to not mention any of this to my wife.  I don't want her freaked out too.

Anyways.  What were we talking about?  Oh, right, OK, so - sure, sometimes another member of Maiden will show up at the table with a song they wrote, and much like a mom pinning her dumb kid's straight C report card up on the fridge, Harris will allow them to present it, and will even allow the occasional non-Harris track to appear on an album.

But so what.  He only does it because he knows you have to have the occasional crap song in the mix.  Makes the others stand out even further.

I always imagined an Iron Maiden band meeting to discuss songwriting to go a bit like an episode of Fawlty Towers, where Steve Harris is Fawlty and his bandmates are constantly appealing to him for mercy.  You know what I mean?  Like the other members corner him individually and warn him that lead vocalist Bruce Dickinson has a new song he wants to present to Harris, and that the band has voted to allow Dickinson's song to be featured on an upcoming album in place of one of Harris's.

So Dickinson presents his song and is met with a maelstrom of passive-aggressive sarcasm:

HARRIS: "No, Bruce, no, I love it!  A more traditional approach would have been to piece a song together out of parts that compliment one another, but your way is good too. Outstanding."


DICKINSON: "Do you really think it's good, Steve?"


HARRIS: [insane laugh] "Ha ha, do I think it's good??" [hangs head and starts sobbing]


[The Major walks in.]


MAJOR: "Harris, what was that god-awful crashing sound?  Have we been car-bombed?"


HARRIS: "No, Major, I'm afraid not.  No, that was the sound of Bruce here's new track, followed by the sound of my career plummeting to it's death."

Ninja's Note: nevermind.  I dumped out a glass from last night that I thought was just soda but it was bourbon and I got it all over my hands.  Mystery solved.  I ain't scared of no ghost.

4. Attitude - 7/10
It's very difficult to convey the attitude I'm after in this category when you're singing about crystal balls, the slaying of the seventh lamb, and WWII dogfights.  Doesn't really mesh.  They've attempted - with mixed results - to lash out periodically over the years, but the end result is always something like "Holy Smoke," where you're left going: "Hmm...this is alright, I guess...does it really qualify as Maiden, though?"

Seriously, how upset can one get at a televangelist?  Unless you lost a large chunk of change to one...and even then, I would argue a) it's more your fault than his, and b) if not him, you woulda lost it some other way.  Anyways.

The point is - the band fumbles only slightly when it comes to attitude, because here's the thing: they don't come out and say FUCK YOU.  They let the music itself say FUCK YOU simply by existing.  That's what Maiden's entire career has been - they began as a reaction to crappy music, where they were in essence saying FUCK YOU to all the crappy music around them.  They maintained their Maidenness when the world around them was crumbling thanks to Eddie Vedder and his Army of Dirtbags, and in doing so, guess what?  They were saying FUCK YOU.

Therefore, I dock them only slightly in this category.

5. Cohesive Image That Isn't Retarded - 10/10
Nope, sorry.  I can't dock them for the fact that they're all at least in their fifties and doing the long hair/tight pants thing.  I can't.  Wouldn't be right.  I can't sit here and praise them for sticking to their guns for closing in on forty years and at the same time dock them for doing what they've done since day one image-wise.

As a matter of fact, you know what else you're probably expecting that I'm not going to do?  I'm not going to dock any points over Dave Murray always looking wayyy too happy:

I swear this dude sleeps with that dopey grin on his face.  But hell, maybe he's drunk.  Maybe he had a stroke.  You don't know, and I don't know, so let's leave it be.  Shit, guys.  You guys are dicks.

6. Singer Doesn't Sound Like a Pussy - 9/10
I have to be careful here, because I think in some areas you actually need a signed permit if you plan on uttering the word "pussy" in the same sentence as:

Bruce.  Fuckin.  Dickinson.

...Bruce Dickinson.  This guy takes the word MAN to a whole new level.  As a matter of fact, until my relatively recent introduction to M. Shadows (please refer to the Third Best Band in the World), Dickinson was it for me.  The guy could do no wrong: FULL vocal range which encompasses most guys' falsetto territories?  CHECK.  Ability to perform his studio shit live?  CHECK.  Balls equivalent to a nineteen-year-old Mike Tyson?  Check.

If you've taken my advice and checked out "Aces High" - and please bear in mind that if you haven't I'm not 100% sure that you even belong here - you know what I mean.  You've had a Dose of Dickinson and now you're begging for more.  But what else does this dude have to offer?

How about this - one time, whilst back in school, he engaged in some Pee Antics.  I'm not talking about your typical peeing-on-a-doorknob crap, or peeing off a roof, or writing your name on the back of your girlfriend's head in pee while she sleeps (which every guy does, I don't care if he admits it or not)...nope, he peed right into his headmaster's dinner.

Or what about fencing?  Here's a guy who wakes up one day and goes: "You know what?  Life is OK...it'd be better if I was really good with a SWORD, though."  And - unlike most of us, who would just force the thought out of our heads - he ran with it.  The idea, I mean...he ran with the idea.  He never ran with a sword that I'm aware of.  Instead he practiced, studied, and worked his way up to certified trainer.  Then expert.  Now he's known as one of the best in Britain.

Or this - singing "Aces High" wasn't enough for this dude.  He had to walk the walk, too, so he went out and got a pilot's license.  Fast-forward to today, he's flying his whole band around when they tour.  Are you fucking kidding me?  Name one other singer who goes to lengths like that.  Sammy Hagar?  I instantly imagine the plane full o' Halen plummeting to its fiery demise.  Anthony Keidis?  Actually, I withdraw the question, I wouldn't let that fruit loop pull me to the corner in a red wagon.  FUCK THE CHILI PEPPERS.

I'll leave you with this factoid, which actually I just pulled from Wikipedia: he - Bruce Dickinson, heavy metal singer - was just given an honorary music doctorate from Queen Mary college.  Shit!

7. Surviving Drug Overdoses and Alcohol Poisoning - 10/10
This one is one of those mysteries-that's-not-really-a-mystery-type deals.  See, Maiden consists of Brits.  Brits are introduced to alcohol at a much younger age than us Americans.  There's less taboo, less pressure, and your relationship with alcohol is going to be much more comfortable and all the better for it in that type of environment.

These guys can drink like...well, they drink like champions.  Let's leave it at that.  They drink like champs, yet have you ever heard a news blurb wherein a member of Iron Maiden killed a pedestrian in a drunken driving nightmare?  Nope.

In a way, it's not even fair to score them in this category the same way I scored the other acts.  Rules are rules, however, and I do think it's important to reward someone for one of the most badass accomplishments a person can achieve - getting hammered-flat drunk on a regular basis yet functioning well enough to where your neighbors/coworkers/significant others don't make your life miserable for it.

8. Not Changing Your Sound So Dramatically That It Negates Your Earlier Work - 10/10
Easypeasy, mate.  Aside from a failed experiment called the Blaze Bayley era (which we're not going to talk about...not now...not ever), these guys have never even thought about changing their sound in any significant way.  They're going to use the same chord progressions, same galloping basslines, and same minor 3rd guitar harmonies until Hell freezes over, and that's fine with me.

Every other band right now that's from Maiden's era and currently touring is experiencing a resurgence in popularity.  In every other instance, however, a big part of that popularity is due to the fact that it's some sort of a "reunion tour" you get to go see.  With Maiden?

Fuck that shit, these guys never stopped.  And guess what - they're more popular than ever.  Back when Eddie Vedder led the Dirtbag Brigade and stormed the gates of Castle Metal, every single other band that was popular imploded (with the exception of maybe Metallica, although I would argue that it's very possible for a band to implode and not be aware of it.  Morons).  Not these guys.  They stuck it out where all the other lesser bands couldn't hang.  They dealt with shitty album sales, shitty ticket sales, and all the insecurity and second-guessing that went with it.  Want to know what they did about it?

They kept doing what they loved to do.  That should be a lesson to all of us.  That's the first sign of a pussy - lack of conviction in one's self.  If you can't get a grip on yourself and walk your insecurity right out the front door and punch it in the Adam's apple so hard you immediately become six inches taller?  Then I'm not sure I want to even know you.

Anyhow.  So now, yet again, the Maiden Flag flies high above Castle Metal and all is right in the world.   

FINAL SCORE: 71/80

Two words: FUCK and YES!  Fun Fact: Iron Maiden is on tour right now, only they're doing something I've never heard of before: they're basing their current 2012 tour off a popular tour they did back in the 1980s.  Old songs, old sets...right on, Maiden.  One day, we will get drunk together.

UP THE IRONS!
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Well, it's been fun, but also it's been a lot more work than I'd anticipated.  It can be a tricky thing to try and pin down what makes something great; quite honestly this took an insane amount of thought (much more than I expected).  It's easy to point out why something is not good - "Because he's Chris Martin," for example.  But pointing out why something genuinely clicks with you can require quite a bit of analysis.

Luckily, I'll never have to do this again: the top three bands in the world have been identified (you're welcome), and all is good.  Unfortunately, this whole process has revealed to me a gaping hole in American society - everyone thinks they know who the best bands around are.  How often, however, do you hear (read) someone trying to nail down the worst bands in the world?

And that got me thinking.  - D.H.
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COMING SOON: THE WORST BAND IN THE WORLD