The Best Android 4.0 ROM Under the Sun

AOKP

(Android Open Kang Project)

So, here's the thing about smartphones in general (and I am proceeding as though I'm speaking exclusively to Android users rather than i-Users, even though some of this may be applicable across platforms.  It's just that I made a decision about seven years ago after seeing the single coolest looking person I've ever seen walking out of an Apple store - I'm not cool enough for Apple.  Period.  So to this day I have no idea how any of the Apple things work.)

Oh, wait, forgot my point - the point is, battery life can sometimes suck the big one.  My first smartphone was a Droid X, which was rad, but after a few times where the thing died on me in real inopportuned...fuck it.  I've typed that word four times now and each time spell check underlines it so FUCK IT, you know what I'm saying.  Anyways, yeah: after having my phone die on me in situations where I'm talking on it to my boss, or using the navigation app, I started thinking: wouldn't it be better if I had a battery that was a little more reliable?

My first plan - I admit, a less-than-well-thought-out plan - was that maybe I just needed a better phone.  Better than a Droid X???  Well, you have to remember, this was last year...2011...which brought about the dual-core processor (whatever the fuck that means, btw) and the onset of the 4G networks.  So I was able to convince myself that a better phone might just be the ticket.

Ninja's note: if you ever hear your brain suggesting to you that making the jump to 4G from 3G will cure your battery woes...you need to hit yourself.

Enter September 8, 2011 - I was the retard in the Verizon store when they opened, holding out my hand and demanding a Droid Bionic.  Funny thing about the Bionic, though, which I noticed by the end of that first day - 4G is an absolute battery rapist.  It's the difference between what you do to your girlfriend in the sack and what you see guys doing to their girls in Asian porn.  Fuck.  It was dead by the end of the first day.

I just realized I've typed four or maybe five paragraphs and I haven't even gotten to my current phone yet.  Dude bear with me a little, it'snot even 8am yet, and in case you can't figure out from the date on this post (3/18) I will just tell you - yesterday was St. Patty's Day, and if that's not clear enough - I'm still wearing yesterday's green.  I'm seeing two of everything.  My wife might even be dead, I've never seen her so hung over.  

Anyways, now I have a Samsung Galaxy Nexus, which is the creme de la creme of battery raping phones.  Out of the box, this fucker will beast-hump your battery to death in under eight hours.  Seriously, if I were typing this post on my phone from a full charge, I'd be down near the seventy percent mark by now. 

But then I found AOKP (Android Open Kang Project), a neat little ROM you can install on your phone and fix all your problems (well, battery life will still suck, just not as bad).  Oh, BTW - you have to know what a ROM is already, I am in no condition to explain it right now.  

AOKP is put together by a person named Roman, who is probably some snarky kid who probably listens to a lot of the music I complain about on this site.  Nevertheless, his ROM rocks and he deserves my highest praise - a ninja high-five.  Check out the almost-flatline that occurs when I'm sleeping now:

Quick side note - I just remembered I think I left some of my shit over at my neighbors' house last night.  This was in ADDITION to my car keys and cell phone, which my neighbors were nice enough to show up with after I got home.  Fuck.  I need a do-over for today, I'm already thinking.

So anyways, AOKP is awesome.  A lot of people will probably tell you that you need to get on board with a different ROM - Droid Theory is a pretty popular one - but most people are massive tools, so who are you going to listen to, them or me?  Seriously, I've used a couple Theory ROMS, and - from my experience - they're only marginally better than what your phone comes equipped with.  Liberty is another good one, but still nowhere near AOKP.  I'd tell you why but my head hurts, just trust me.

OH!  Here's something - I kinda thing Theory is a bit of a pussy.  Seriously.  A few months back, some other Android developer insinuated he was stealing someone else's work, or something completely retarded like that, and the guy (Theory) actually took his ROMs offline and wrote a big post announcing to the world that he was QUITTING.  Seriously.  

I admit I was pissed, and I even allowed myself to emit an extremely rare forum post on the matter wherein I tried to say something supportive to DT, but seriously - you've got something you enjoy doing, and you're going to quit because of something someone else said??  Even worse - you're going to take it public??

He should have fucking fought that dude.  Seriously.  I'm not talking in that lame high school way, obviously, I'm talking in the cool honorable samurai way.  He should have fought that dude, and either straight decapped him, or taken a limb off and set himself up for the Obliteration Technique.  Especially now that the OT is officially a forbidden technique according to Hayashi the Pussy.  

FUCK YOU, HAYASHI.  I was getting drunk with a lady who TEACHES GRADE SCHOOL last night and she had the exact same glasses you wear on.  You fucking retard.

Oh!  Here's something useful.  Most people will tell you that if you want to make your own corned beef you need to brine the brisket for three weeks.  This is utter bullshit, as it turns out.  All you need to do is take a brisket and

Fuck there's no way I'm remembering the recipe right now.  Sorry.  Oh, and my neighbor made fried cabbage last night.  Just try to imagine it.  It was so good.

FUCK YOU, HAYASHI.