1. SINGING like a pussy = anyone whose voice alone - regardless of language, speech, content, anything; we're seriously just talking voice quality here - makes them sound like a fundamentally weak human. By "weak" I am of course referring to the whiners, pussies, victims, emo kids, complainers, and Coldplay members everywhere. This is what is popular right now. You are the singer that I can't tell if you're male or female, straight or gay, young or old. You're just a neuterroid.
Ninja note: there is nothing wrong with being gay, old, etc., so don't misinterpret my comment. Before I met my wife I spent decades wishing I'd get hit with Gay Fever (didn't happen). A person should, however, be what he or she is. You can't tell me that suddenly all the folks who wants to front a band right now all just naturally sound like androgynous neuterroids the same way you couldn't tell me that the wave of Eddie Vedder wannabes that washed over my life like a nightmare tsunami during the nineties were doing what came naturally to them. Be who you are, or it doesn't work. Assholes.
2. Singing Pussy Songs = EASY. A pussy song is a song that makes you sound like a pussy based on what you're saying. In other words...number 1 above is based on the WHY = because you sound like a pussy, regardless of what you say. Number 2 here is based on the HOW = you might sound manly, but you're a pussy because what comes out of your mouth is the verbal equivalent of the kind of shit that I expected to find in my parents' bathroom wastebasket once a month wrapped in toilet paper and shoved to the bottom of the container like I wouldn't notice the seepage.
You want to know what a pussy song is? I'll do one better: I'll provide an example of a pussy song sung by a guy who does NOT sing like a pussy.
Tonguetied, by Grouplove
Take me to your best friends house
Roll around this roundabout, oh yeah
Take me to your best friends house
I loved you then and I love you now, oh yeah
Don't take me tongue tied
Don't wave no good bye
Take me to your best friends house
[Something lame and probably asexual] we're making out, oh yeah
Take me to your best friends house
I loved you then and I love you now, oh yeah
Don't take me tongue tied
Don't wave no good bye
Alright, so...I won't dedicate any more of my free blog space to this horrible song, but that's OK, because unless you either don't get the same crappy local radio as me, or you don't have a way to view television commercials, I'm sure you've heard it. Now...why does this suck so bad? The guy doesn't sound like a pussy...
No, but look at what he's saying. Sounds a little neutered, no?? If you "loved her then," then it stands to reason that whoever she is, this attraction between the two of you has gone on for some time. So if you really did love her then, regardless of whether you love her now...you should, at least once, have been balls-deep in her mouth, no exceptions. If you were even the least bit heterosexual, she would have forgotten all about her "best friends' house," for crying out loud. She would have forgot she had any friends except for your man parts, because your man parts would have become her best friend a long time ago. Don't be a retard.
And being tongue-tied?? How is that even an issue?? By this point you should be able to give your tongue a break (real men are silent once the hellos are delivered, always). Are you still trying to impress her with words, you fuckin moron? Maybe shutting the fuck up once in a while will lead to her actually becoming curious about you, since all of a sudden she's not privy to every dumbass thought rolling through your empty head.
Here are some ways a person with balls would have approached this song: let's say you were hellbent on using "best friend's house," at the end of the first line. And you feel - for whatever completely insane reason - that this line is so good that it needs to be repeated over and over in the song. OK. First off - you need to develop a pool of potential rhymes for "house." I will produce a bunch of usable rhymes off the top of my head:
HOUSE: mouse, South, ouch, couch, louse, mouth, pout, douse, blouse, spouse. That should be plenty.
Are you starting to imagine how any of the above could have been used in a much more interesting, manlier way? "...we're making out?" Are you fucking kidding me?? You don't admit to "making out" with anyone unless you're ten years old OR IT LEADS TO SOMETHING, and even then you do it in a scratch-behind-the-head, ashamed way. "Yeah, we left giant sex dents on top of her asshole Dad's precious vintage Vette, but...I had to make out with her a little first."
Are you still not seeing it? Do I have to do everything for you people? Fine. Using the rhymes we produced above here are - off the top of my head - enough de-pussied verses to where you could have written this song twice and still kept your Man Badge:
De-pussified Verse 1
Take me to your best friend's house, we'll
Fuck on the lawn, then burn it down, OH/YEAH
Simple and basic: a Sid and Nancy approach to a Friday night. Instantly better than any verse in the entire Grouplove song.
De-pussified Verse 2
Take me to your best friend's house
I'll do her and then we'll burn it down, OH/YEAH
Slightly more complex: this verse is similar to above yet carries the subtle suggestion of Sid and Nancy being exceptionally high. I'm thinking PCP.
De-pussified Verse 3
Take me to your best friend's house
I'll do you both/right in the mouth, OH/YEAH
Much better and straightforward; this is how vintage Crue would have handled the rhyme. I'm clapping right now this is such an improvement.
De-pussified Verse 4
Take me to your best friend's house
It's roofie roulette/on the couch, OH/YEAH
This one carries the same suggestions as three above with a slightly more tongue-in-cheek (not TIED, assholes) approach. Plus, I just made up something called roofie roulette, which sounds AWESOME. You're welcome, fraternities across America.
De-pussified Verse 5
Take me to your best friend's house
I'll bang the braces right out her mouth, OH/YEAH
This one is edgy in the same way verse two is edgy and still manages to pay tribute to the late George Carlin, who (in one of his books...Brain Droppings, I think?) made a joke about banging a girl so hard her freckles fell off.
De-pussified Verse 6
Take me to your best friend's house
Let's get you drunk and out that blouse, OH/YEAH
Verse six I simply have to classify as simple and classic. No pussy shit here at all; this is Getting Laid 101 - get her someplace comfy and pour the liquor down her throat. Fuckin duh.
De-pussified Verse 7
Take me to your best friend's house
You can take turns and pet that pocket mouse, OH/YEAH
This verse is a homage to KISS, and by KISS, I of course mean Paul Stanley. In fact, he may have actually sang these exact lyrics at some point. There's no way to ever be sure.
De-pussified Verse 8
Take me to your best friend's house
First it's your butt and then her mouth, OH/YEAH
This one you may have to use your imagination a little bit but I highly recommend it. In case what I'm describing above isn't abundantly clear, just roll it around in your brain for a little bit until it clicks. You'll know when you've got it.
And what's to say about it? Genius, genius, genius. It's a mishmash of all the above: classic, edgy, Sid & Nancy, and it reeks of liquor, PCP, and probably a few other chemicals as well. I win.
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See what I mean? I literally spent NO TIME on this, which proves to me that this GROUPLOVE outfit needs a serious lesson in not only de-pussying themselves but also taking a little bit of pride in their writing.
Actually, nevermind. Nevermind nevermind nevermind. I just wanted to see what you looked like, so I googled you, and now I'm afraid you never had a chance to begin with. You're the drama club kids from high school...featuring the son of Tom Waits and Lon Chaney's Wolfman (far left).
FUCK. These idiots will probably be around forever. Ozzy will probably be dead by 2020 but these granola-eaters will still be around after I'm gone. Shit, now I wish I'd just stayed on the couch and not gotten anywhere near a computer.
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