"You wanted the best? Well, they didn't fuckin make it. So here's what you get - from Hollywood - GUNS AND ROSES."
This post is going to serve several purposes; much like the Avenged post, it will identify one of the greatest bands of all time. Two, it will illustrate why this band is one of the greatest bands of all time. Additionally, it's going to document a very surreal moment in my life: this moment, the one happening right now. The moment wherein I realize that my favorite band of all time - Guns n Roses - is not the greatest band of all time.
Weird to get your head around, I know. Had you asked me at any point during the past twenty years, I would have used the phrases "greatest band" and "my favorite band" interchangeably, and I would have answered without hesitation that the answer to your question is GnR, and - had you needed supporting evidence - I would have offered you Appetite for Destruction as the be-all, end-all argument winner. (And FYI - if you had even opened your mouth to take a breath after that I would have punched you until shit was coming out both ends. Appetite provides the check and the mate to this and many other arguments.)
So what happened, D.H.? What's even going on? Are you saying GnR is no longer your favorite band?
I think what's happened is this: GnR is and always will be my favorite band. There's no getting around it. The sad dealbreaker in this instance is that it's not as simple as I've stated above; it's much more complex. The truth of the matter is this: the GnR that recorded Appetite for Destruction is my favorite band of all time. The GnR that recorded Use Your Illusion and Spaghetti Incident barely registers in my top twenty. And, sadly, the current incarnation of GnR isn't even a blip on my radar.
There was, however, one fleeting moment in time where the five maniacs in the above photo had their shit together well enough to crank out an album so fucking good that to this day it makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. It's my desert island album (and if I'm allowed three albums on the island? Fuck you, I want three fuckin copies of Appetite. In case two wear out). It's the album that I insisted be included in some way at my wedding. When I die, I want to be buried wearing headphones with an MP3 player (no I don't want a fuckin iPod) loaded with nothing but Appetite and playing on loop.
What is it about Appetite that makes it so good? I'll tell you exactly what: in every way imaginable, it was EDGY. From a musical standpoint, it was conceptually edgy: you had blues-based guitar players playing with punk rock attitude. From a songwriting standpoint, it was edgy: certainly there are instances of the boring old verse/chorus/verse/chorus bit , but the Gunners always managed to work SOME bizarre new part in there to keep it fresh. The content itself was cutting edge; their use of the blues scale in the primary guitar riffs and sections created some of the darkest, hardest shit you've ever heard (chorus riff on "Jungle," main riffs from "Rocket Queen" and "Brownstone"). Check it out, I'll wait. Yeah, see? Kinda makes you feel dumb for ever getting excited for "Smoke on the Water," huh? Makes you feel like the kid you thought was one of those super-genius autistic kids ended up being just a plain ol' retard.
Most importantly, however, their attitude was completely cutting edge, ahead of and behind it's time, and...well, I'll rant about their attitude later on in the scorecard.
1. Energy 9/10
No use denying it - these guys had the tools to get you pumped and they knew how to use them. From the sheer speed of Slash's hands to Axl's schizophrenia to Steven Adler's drugged-up minimalist chops (which, yes, were better for the band than Matt Sorum's technically superior skills) to Duff McKagan's guitarist approach to the bass, the band had at it's core enough raw instability to set off a mushroom cloud. And lucky for us, they did...one time.
Appetite alone serves to document a moment in time when the energy of five individuals burned bright enough to light up all of Hollywood for years to come. From the opening track "Welcome to the Jungle" to the lesser-known (but far superior) "It's So Easy" and "Nightrain," the album opens like a Spock neck pinch to the nuts and makes you wait eight tracks or so before even letting up in the least. Hallelujah.
Take the Nightrain test if you don't believe me: go buy a bottle of Nightrain. Bring it home. Sit down at the table with it. Open it up and take a whiff. Smells fuckin horrible, right? Now go play Appetite's third track - "Nightrain" - on your stereo with the volume at 75% or so. Sit back down at the table in front of the bottle.
The song lasts about four minutes. I can guarantee you, unless you suck, by the time that four minutes is up, half the bottle will be gone and you'll be doing some insane shit. Last time I did this I woke up at 2pm the next day under a friend's dinner table. There was a trail of puke leading from me all the way out to the rear patio door. No clue.
Now, don't think Appetite alone is going to be enough to elevate these guys to a score of nine; luckily, the rest of their catalog at least rocks pretty hard. Not in love with the material in the slightest, but yeah...the energy's there. Even Illusion-era GnR could still fuckin rock if they wanted to. Check out the live version of "Pretty Tied Up" from their live album. Illusion material performed by the Illusion-era band...and it comes off.
2. Quality of Material - 6/10
This is how I would sum up the breakdown of the band's material over the years, and how it averages out to six out of ten:
Appetite for Destruction - 10/10
Use Your Illusion - 6/10
Chinese Democracy - 2/10
Appetite is perfect. Illusion remains probably the single (double?) biggest disappointment of my teenage life. Seriously; what made them think that would be OK? "My World?" SEVERAL ten-minute long whine-a-thons like "November Rain" and "Estranged"? Where's the edgy guitar work?? I keep waiting for a riff that's gonna blow my hair back, like the ones from Appetite did. Fuck, moment never came.
Ninja's Note to GnR: BTW - "Don't Cry" is an alright song, but please - don't try to sell it to me twice. Needs a lot more than a lyrical overhaul before I'll be willing to get behind it once, let alone a second time around.
Democracy is about what you'd expect from a Slash-less GnR: aside from Axl's vocals, it sounds like all the other crap on the radio.
In hindsight, one can observe what truly happened here - Slash burned out. That's all it was. All the edge and the desperation of Appetite ended with Appetite, and he never recovered. He tried with the Illusion series and it didn't work, not at all. Luckily, a burnt-out Slash is far superior than no Slash, as we see from the scores.
Ultimately leaving the band didn't even help; has he done anything noteworthy since? Try to think of a post-GnR Slash riff that you're familiar enough with that you can hum. Go ahead, I'll wait right here.
3. Creativity in Content and Structure - 8/10
I tend to find my sympathies leaning towards Slash whenever I think of the ongoing feud between he and Axl. That's not to say that I'm an Axl Rose detractor, however: far from it. I might not be the hugest fan of (spoiler alert) his voice, and I might not want to hang out and get drunk with the guy, but I give credit where it's due, and credit is due to Mr. W. Axl Rose.
Now, Slash's contributions are, in my opinion, far more significant than Axl's...though, for all intents and purposes, these significant contributions ended with Appetite. Slash was in a zone all his own for the recording of Appetite. Every single note he performed on that album wasn't just perfect...it was beyond perfect. "Perfect" is what Illusion-era Slash played: clean, melodically advanced, blues-based phrasing with an emphasis on rhythm. Beyond perfect is what Appetite-era Slash played: messy, chaotic, straight from the eye of the tornado. You hear a dark monster of a rock anthem like "Jungle" and over it? A guitar lick you've never imagined in your wildest dreams. A sissy love song like "Sweet Child" ends up having the fucking doors kicked off it by Slash's lead parts at the end. Even the frantic pace of "It's So Easy" proves no match for Slash; most guitarists - particularly blues-based guys, such as Slash - prefer slower rhythms to solo over, as eventually the tempo outraces their ability to play sixteenth notes, which leaves the soloist with eighth & quarter notes...not much to work with. Not so with Slash! His phrasing is so advanced that he's able to piece together an absolutely intriguing lead on "It's So Easy" using only eighth & quarter notes. Bravo, old friend. If I had a top hat I would take it off in your honor right now.
It is Axl, however, to whom the Gunners owe most of this particularly decent score to. Axl's drive to keep the band fresh and creative helped keep the music from completely falling into the drink. Sure, the content itself sucked compared to Appetite, but at least Axl's schizophrenia kept it interesting, if nothing else. "Did he just say "cool ranch dressing?" You fuckin better believe he did, buddy.
Even the nu-metal shit-tornado that is Democracy still has plenty of those neurotic structural moments which, if you're here for Axl, I'm sure you're all over.
4. Attitude - 10/10
BOOM. No fucking around here, please: never in recorded history has a display of attitude been documented or captured that's been so fundamentally sleazy, dangerous, and edgy as the Gunners. End of story.
With this band it actually becomes troublesome to try and separate the attitude from the image, because the attitude is so large that it is the image. We're going to try anyways, though...we're gonna look at the twelve songs on the Appetite album and examine what separates these Attitude Moguls from the Limp Bizkit nancies of the world:
Track 01 - "Welcome to the Jungle" Hi, my name is W. Axl Rose, and I'd like to introduce you to your new environment. No, not much is changed...not much that I can think of anyways...OH! Here's a new rule: if you touch my shit, I will rape you. (And - truth be told - I'm probably going to end up raping you even if you don't touch my shit.)
Track 02 - "It's So Easy" If you are interested in looking as cool as Axl, here's how you do it - you a) drive drunk, b) set fires, c) tell people to fuck off, and punch people out. That's about all there is to it. Pretty easy.
Track 03 - "Nightrain" An anthem to a particularly vile dollar wine. Fill my cup.
Track 04 - "Out ta Get Me" I'm paranoid, and you can suck it.
Track 05 - "Mr. Brownstone" Most poignant and complete summation of what to expect from heroin ever conceived by the minds of men: I used to do a little but a little wouldn't do it so the little got more and more.
Track 06 - "Paradise City" A high-energy mishmash of semi-coherent sleaze interspersed with an extremely catchy chorus, with brilliant lead work by Slash from start to finish.
Track 07 - "My Michelle" I know someone named Michelle and she's kind of a fuck up.
Track 08 - "Think About You" Axl has a soft side. Note the completely insane laugh near one of the guitar breaks, though. Very creepy and pure Axl.
Track 09 - "Sweet Child O Mine" This one's a roller coaster. Very cool opening riff into some fairly low-energy, boring stuff, both content-wise and structurally. Decent leads by Slash, and just when you're about to flip to the next track - we're talking mid-bar, here - BOOM. The Gunners kick it into high gear with a heavier, minor-keyed chord progression which supports THE greatest guitar solo of all time. Fuck you. Suddenly the energy knob is cranked to eleven and you're punching shit for no reason. Then there's a quiet break, which you don't mind anymore at all because the Gunners just reminded you why you're listening to their shit in the first place, and you know they won't keep you there forever. And do they?
NOPE. Suddenly Slash starts raping the shit out of his guitar again and IT'S ON. Fun fact about this song: listen to the very last note Slash plays (it's an open low E string, FYI). Note that a second or two after he hits the note, the pitch shifts very slightly. Wanna know how he did that? Whammy bar? Are you fuckin retarded? Les Pauls don't have whammy bars.
No, the burly fucker grabbed the neck of his guitar and bent it. As if we all didn't think he was superhuman enough.
Track 10 - "You're Crazy" In this instance, the title pretty much covers it.
Track 11 - "Anything Goes" Listening to this song as I kid, I always thought everyday adult life would be a little more like this. Not so much. Instead, it involves way more yard work than you would have thought. Oh well.
"Panties around your knees with your ass in debris/doing that grind with a push and squeeze." AWESOME.
Track 12 - "Rocket Queen" Ladies of the world, meet Axl the Schizophrene: I'll spend the first half of this track explaining my keen sexual prowess in no uncertain terms. Then we'll break for a slide solo overdubbed with porn sounds. Then we'll wrap up the track with my explaining how deeply I care for you.
Attitude - either you've got it or you don't.
5. Cohesive Image That Isn't Retarded -
Ahh, so close, guys. So...fuckin...close. Nine out of ten is the best I can do.
I actually feel bad for having to do this. You really ought to have the market cornered here...you've got the greatest name of any band from the last twenty years. You look like the kind of wastoid that I always strove to be while growing up and learning to get funked up. Plus, you actually had a tabloid reputation for a while there! The drinking, the heroin, Axl's peeing on a commercial flight...the womanizing...oh shit, and Slash's top hat! Tell me you never wished you could find a place that sold top hats so you could at least see how you looked in one after seeing Slash onstage wearing that fucking thing.
...but, when your wolfish image is compromised by a drummer admitting to sucking dick for blow...kinda takes the wind out of the sails, and...actually, no, nevermind. Forget everything I just said. That actually somehow manages to fit their image. Ten out of ten. As a matter of fact, I'm actually lowering my own personal private coolness score right now, because I've never sucked dick for drugs (that I remember).
6. Singer Doesn't Sound Like a Pussy - 7/10
This one may cause a bit of a fracas but I don't really care: mostly, Axl's voice is OK at best. It definitely fits the vibe and image of the band, so I'm not going to completely castrate them point-wise, here...and he definitely isn't a pussy. But sometimes, once in a great while, he kinda sounds like one.
I've always thought so. Growing up, I used to ask individual friends for their opinions on Axl's voice, and you know what none of them said to me? "I like Axl Rose's voice." I got plenty of "I don't mind Axl's voice," and "There's nothing wrong with Axl's voice," and "Axl's voice is alright," but no one wanting to meet my insinuation with a head-on argument.
You know how it's impossible to listen to Danzig without thinking of a Great Dane howling? Same thing here, only instead of a dog...Axl makes me imagine the hyper, whiny, red-haired kid with ADD we all knew growing up went & formed a band sometimes.
7. Surviving Drug Overdoses and Alcohol Poisoning - 11/10
DING DING DING! We have a WINNER! Fuck you, I can give more points than are available if I want, and in this case...I want. Hot damn. The only person who outdoes GnR in this department would be Mr. Nikki Sixx, which is one of the prime reasons the Crue is the Honorable Mention band.
Wait a minute, did I say "outdoes GnR?" Because the whole reason we have the score we do here is because of one man - SLASH.
Numerous bouts of alcohol poisoning? CHECK. Numerous drug overdoses? CHECK. Found dead in his hotel room at least once? CHECK. Still alive? You fuckin better believe it. If it wasn't for guys like Slash and Sixx I'd probably be dead right now, and here's why: because the first time I ever ODed, I didn't panic and call an ambulance or fuck myself up even worse. Why? Because I knew it was possible to survive an overdose.
You know how sad it is that there's a generation of kids out there right now that aren't growing up with this kind of shit? You know how badly fucked their heads are going to be when they grow up after listening to pussies on the radio singing lines like "YOU GOTTA SPEND SOME TIME/LOVE/You gotta spend some TIME/with ME," for their whole lives? Dude if you have to make the suggestion that she spend time with you, maybe the root cause of your problem is that the time she does spend with you is about as manly and erotic as getting a bikini wax.
"You get nuthin for nuthin, if that's what you do/turn around, bitch, I got a use for you/
BESIDES! You ain't got nuthin/better to do...and I'm BORED."
There we go; that's my generation's response to your idiot song. I will possess your heart. Pfft. [High-pitched crazy voice]: "No you won't!" :)
I actually hope that guy's talking about physically murdering the girl and possessing her heart in that respect. Like in a big pickle jar. But no, I'm sure this is just another instance wherein I ascribe credit for potential coolness where none is due. I need to quit being so nice.
Anyways, forgot what I was talking about there. Oh well.
8. Not Changing Your Sound So Dramatically That It Negates Your Earlier Work - 7/10
This is...actually I thought this category was going to be pretty straightforward and I'm finding out that it is not. Oh well.
I've already mentioned my disdain towards most post-Appetite GnR material. Has it affected their score in other categories? Yes. Therefore, it shouldn't affect this score, and it won't. Then why 7/10 rather than 10/10? I'm going to try to explain:
The category covers bands who change their sound in a way that negates their earlier work. The Gunners did change their sound, and it was for the worse: Appetite was this holy blend of Rolling Stones-ish blues-based rock n roll and pure punk rock energy and attitude. The next full-length studio release was the Use Your Illusion set, at which point you've completely lost the punk rock edginess, the energy...and you're basically just a Rolling Stones knock-off band. However, since the pool of quality "earlier work" in this instance (Appetite) was unaffected by this change, their score is not affected from this angle.
However. You basically have one quality album of "earlier work" before you took a shit on us. That's twelve songs. And that's why you're getting a nine rather than a ten - you hardly even had any "earlier work" to defend.
FINAL SCORE: 68/80
This about wraps it up, though I'd be remiss if I didn't mention that next month, this phenomenal band is being inducted into the Rock n Roll Hall of Fame. They deserve it. I won't waste anyone's time whining about how much better life would be if they got back together, because let's face it - the edge is gone. The old adage about the flame that burns twice as bright lasts half as long? That's what we have here. They fell off long before the irreconcilable differences set in.
So I'm just going to end this post in the most honest way I can: I love you, Axl and Slash. Hope you're both having fun wherever you are.
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