The THIRD Greatest Band of All Time

"He who makes a beast out of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man," - Dr. Samuel Johnson

This is a band that I only got into during the last few years, and this factoid makes me feel like I've lived my life in a half-assed, completely non-epic way.  Like this whole time I've been doing carpe diem all wrong, like I'm holding it by the wrong end or something.  This is the same way I felt when I got my first Android device (2011, way behind the times), the same way I felt when I had to wait until I was twelve before my parents would let me smoke.

You ever get an album that's so good that you immediately start having all these insane thoughts?  You start wondering what the artist(s) look like, what it would be like to hang out with them, shit like that?  You start speculating "Hmm...long hair, short hair??" ...but you're so afraid that their image is going to suck that you don't check, and instead you spend years worrying over whether they look cool or like douche bags, all because if you checked, and they looked like pussies, you'd have to quit listening to them.

Eventually you realize that you want all their albums so badly that you've actually attained a level of desire capable of counteracting what you imagine a suicidal urge would feel like.  Then you decide to not get all their albums, so that in the event somewhere down the road you have an urge to kill yourself, you can talk yourself down from the ledge by agreeing to finally let yourself check out another one of this amazing artist's records.

You do know what I'm talking about?  Oh, great.  Allow me to introduce, then, Avenged Sevenfold.  The third-greatest band of all time.

This band employs many different sounds; at times you'll swear you're hearing a modern country artist, then you'll have blinding-speed metal, or you'll hear something that makes you think of Faith No More's The Real Thing (it's been how long since you thought of that album??  Shame on you!).  It's all in the eye of the beholder, but what you cannot dispute is a) their musicianship, b) their production, and c) the lengths to which this band goes to keep their music engaging by employing advanced structuring techniques at the very least takes a big greasy shit on almost every other band in the genre.

And their singer sounds like he has a fist for a voice.  I don't know how else to explain it.

With that...on to the scorecards:

1. Energy 10/10
I bet even a complete pussy would agree with me - there is no band alive that can jack a person up like Avenged.  I'm not even going to get into the semantics of my typical criteria as defined earlier about half their catalog being energetic in some way as that would be a retarded waste of time.  Do these guys want to get you pumped as fuck?  No.  These guys want to put your head in a football tee, and they want to punt that shit to the dark side of Mars.

You know sometimes, you have those rare moments where the energy equilibrium inside you tips for some ever reason, and your body begins to feel like your molecules are vibrating harder than normal, and that if you get any more excited, those molecules might just lose touch with one another and you'd fly apart into dust?  It's as though your personal energy content begins to exceed the energy you're burning; you feel it square in the gut.  That's what this band will do to you; it's the Theory of You Being Jacked on a Molecular Level.  Here's a way for me to illustrate this phenomenon in a way that can be observed with the naked human eye:

Get a fast car.  You want at least three hundred horsies and a speedometer that goes to 180.  Now, get out on a rural road (ideally one with a 55mph speed limit so you'll know you won't be passing any gradeschools or anything), and come to a complete stop.  Now, put in their City of Evil album, and turn the volume up to where it starts to hurt your ears.  Now, flip to track four - Bat Country - and hit play.  See what happens.  See where you end up.  See how quickly the warranty on your car is voided because your speed flew past 120 before you even realized you'd crossed ninety.  Just see.

Oh btw if you get caught leave me out of it, drive better next time.  Besides, I didn't say to drive like a retard, I just suggested you listen to a song in a car.  Dime store attorneys are pussies: don't be one.  Take it on the chin and be a man; you'll laugh about it one day unless you killed someone.

2. Quality of Material - 5/10
I'm going to have to give my boys a less-than-stellar score here, and it's for a couple reasons.  Here's the first - they've produced a couple tracks that I just find extremely questionable.  From City of Evil, "Seize the Day" and "Sidewinder" just kinda gross me out.  From Avenged Sevenfold, it's "Critical Acclaim," "Scream," and "Little Piece of Heaven" that shouldn't have made the cut (face it: "Little Piece of Heaven" is Web site material at best).  Pretty much all of Nightmare I'm OK with, at least not enough to mention here.

Now, I know what you're thinking - I myself admit that I'm not familiar with their entire catalog.  So how can I judge their catalog accurately?  Point taken.  I would say I understand enough about the content I am familiar with to make a judgment call.  And who knows how I'd perceive the other material?  Have you ever worked your way backwards though a heavy metal band's catalog?  Gets downright frightening near the end (beginning), back before they had enough bankroll to afford a production. So remember that: they could score lower as well as higher.  So don't push it, you giant babies.  I'll fuckin score them lower, I don't give a shit.

Now the big question - number one on Billboard?  I have no idea.  Definitely not for singles, but albums?  I'm sure that City of Evil and Avenged Sevenfold never hit the number one spot, but Nightmare?  I can confirm it debuted as a number one digital album, but I'm tired of thinking about whether or not that is truly representative of the same thing.  Regardless - no number one single.  So, sorry guys.  You failed.

3. Creativity in Content and Structure - 8/10
I've thought about this one, long and hard, and the simple truth of the matter is this: a band does not deserve to be up for consideration as the Greatest Band of All Time if this category - creativity in content and structure - is not near-perfect.

My top three list is no different.  Therefore, I will hereby score ALL top three bands 8/10 here, and simply use this space to document anything I find noteworthy in this category about any of the bands.

In the case of this band, it is obvious that they take pride in what they do, and they take pride in the whole affair.  Some bands are great live but their songwriting suffers, or their studio presence is hollow.  Some bands are the opposite; they produce great studio music but live they stink on ice.  Some bands contain members that are genuinely in love with their instruments...but they treat the band as a vehicle for their skills to come through.  Other bands contain members who simply love being in a band, and they let their musicianship fall by the wayside.

In the case of Avenged, you are dealing with a group of musicians at the top of their game.  Each member has reached that "enlightened" phase in his craft, which is honestly kinda unique at such a young age and for it to apply to the entire band.  Even Hetfield had to knock his asshole companions around once in a while in order to get them to play the shit right, and those dirtbags were in their forties at the time.

OK, so the musicianship is top-notch...does it hold up live?  As soon as I can answer "Of course it does," you're ready to respond with: "Well, what about the studio product?  How's the production?" I say: it's top notch.  Not quite there on City of Evil - compared to the more recent records the drum sound is nowhere near as crisp and dynamic - but only from a production standpoint.  And the album is still perfectly presentable.

Now you're thinking - OK, I know these guys must have an Achilles' heel, and if it's not musicianship, live performances, or album quality...it's gotta be the material itself.  That's where they fall down, it has to be.  No one is perfect.

Fuckin wrong again, Lahey.  These guys go to lengths unheard of to develop material that is diverse, dynamic, intricately structured, and so far beyond the verse/chorus/verse/chorus format that you should be ashamed for even thinking it.  They deserve a Nobel Prize for their backup vocals alone, yet for a band that is a metal outfit at it's core??  Just fucking listen to it already or I'll keep typing.

4. Attitude - 9/10
To my knowledge only two bands in existence exceed Avenged Sevenfold in this category.  One of them is our honorable mention (the Crue).  The other is the #2 band.

But let's break it down: does the band have labels on their albums designed to warn the populace about their language?  YES.
Does the band make references to any or all of the following: sex, fighting, murder, drinking, drug use beyond mere recreational, or general assault?  YES (see "Scream," "Bat Country," "Sidewinder," etc).
Does the band routinely curse and direct it at a tangible person or thing?  YES (all you need to hear is "Critical Acclaim").

Sure, you could argue that many bands do the things I've listed above.  But not very many do it well.

5. Cohesive Image That Isn't Retarded - 6/10
I will be the first person to admit that based on visual appearance only, this band deserves a higher score.  When you factor in their stage names?  M. Shadows, Zacky Vengeance, the Rev, Synyster Gates, and Johnny Christ?  We'd have had a perfect ten on our hands.  But, there is one image-related point that I cannot let pass, and that is this: their name.

When I first heard of this band, I was under the impression that their name was "AVENGE Sevenfold," not "Avenged."  In a sense it's for the best that I misunderstood, as if I'd heard their name correctly, I wouldn't have given them a chance.  That single letter causes such a discrepancy in the meaning of the band name that it causes their score to plummet.

Why?  Simple ninja ethics mixed with a massive distaste for pussies and victims.  Not following me?  OK...let's reverse engineer the name.  The name is an obvious reference to an Old Testament Bible verse, Genesis 4:15 - "And the Lord said unto him, 'Therefore, whoever slayeth Cain, vengeance shall be taken on him sevenfold.'"

You got that?  It is a phrase intended to indicate an over-reaction, or exceedingly violent response.  Another way of looking at it: instead of an eye for an eye...we'll take seven eyes for an eye.

So far I have no trouble with any of that; in fact I would gladly endorse it.  Had the name been "AVENGE Sevenfold," the word "avenge" would have been taken as a call to arms, or a simple "take no shit"-type suggestion as explained above.  It's a course of action that any person on this earth can do - avenge someone (or something, I guess).  Had the band's name stopped at "Avenge Sevenfold," for all these reasons, we'd have had no trouble.

However.

"AVENGED" Sevenfold is dramatically different.  Any single person is capable of avenging, as I've mentioned above, but to be avenged?  Think about that for a moment.  What is the only group of people on earth who are capable of being avenged?

You got it: victims.  Whiny, pussy victims.  You must first be victimized in some way before you can be avenged.  With that in mind: this band has named itself a phrase that is synonymous with "victim."

Do they intend their name to be synonymous with "victim?"  I would take one look at them and guess NO.  So we'll let this matter rest as a lesson in semantics and the importance of paying attention to detail.  Fans note that I still gave them six out of ten in this category (anyone else would get negative points).

6. Singer Doesn't Sound Like a Pussy - 10/10
Part of me wants to just leave this blank - anyone who's ever heard the damn guy knows what I'm talking about.  However, I'm sure in Africa maybe there are some kids where they get shitty Internet reception and mobile reception is spotty at best (you've seen pics, right?  Africa is just fields.  You never even see a phone pole, much less a cell tower.  You can't tell me those people are up on what's cool.), so I'll move forward here based on the assumption that maybe there are people on earth who haven't yet heard the voice of M. Shadows.

This guy has the manliest voice of all time.  It's just a Fist of Sound pouring out of his mouth.  Vocalists have a very difficult and unique job; they have a given set of tools to work with, most of which cannot be improved upon in any significant way (as far as sound quality goes).  Guitarists can buy a new guitar, for example, but a vocalist is stuck with what he's got.  For most vocalists, this equates to limitations that must be accounted for.

The two particular singers' tools I'd like to talk about now are volume (aka "the Eleven Factor") and the singer's complete range, or register.  Similar to that perfect tone a guitarist can only get when your amp is being pushed to it's limits, a singer has a sort of "vocal overdrive" he can attain when he's belting it out as hard as he can.  However, most singers only push it up to the Eleven Factor like this within the "safe zones" of their vocal range.  Rarely - if ever - will you hear a singer attempt to apply this Eleven Factor to the upper limits of their register.

And so, Africans, with no further ado, I introduce you to...M. Shadows.  This guy doesn't give a shit about anything, including the upper limits of his register (which by the way, is a fucking solid range, too...Eddie Vedder will certainly never breathe the same air that M. Shadows does up there).  He pushes it to eleven and leaves it there.  Most dudes back down off it.  Not this dude.  Even guys with incredible ranges - Geoff Tate and Bruce Dickinson - back down off the ol' Eleven Factor when they get near the areas where this guy's still screaming his nut sack off.  It's the fucking raddest thing I've heard in a long, long time.

High-five, M. Shadows.  SPOILER ALERT: no one is going to outscore you in this category.  Ever.

7. Surviving Drug Overdoses and Alcohol Poisoning - 1/10
I really, really hate to do this, but rules are rules: on June 9, 2010, Avenged drummer The Rev was found dead Heath Ledger-style (i.e. by which I mean "from a mixture of prescription opiates and prescription benzos").  Another great artist eats shit and I'm stuck here with Avril fuckin Levigne who'll probably live to be a hundred.  Thanks a lot, Mr. Extremely Talented Inconsiderate Dick.

Typically here I would give a ZERO score.  However, the band made the choice to continue, which was the right thing to do.  I will allow a single point.

8. Not Changing Your Sound So Dramatically That It Negates Your Earlier Work - 10/10
This is usually a pretty easy one to score, as it's either yes or no - in this case, it's a little more complicated than that.  Most bands the answer is either yes or no; no, the sound hasn't changed, or yes, the sound changed and now it sucks.  This band creates it's own category - the band that changed it's sound for the better.  For those that don't know, they started out as a straight-up metal outfit.  Are they still a metal outfit?  Yes...and no.  Their foundation remains metal, but they've matured, they've diversified, and now they boast a sound completely theirs.  I would argue that their early sound was really not the "Avenged" sound, but rather an evolutionary step.  Ten out of ten, don't try to change my mind.

FINAL SCORE: 59/80

This wraps it up.  I would like to add one thing, and that is this: it is a beautiful thing to see a younger generation get on board with styles of music that were - let's face it - on their last legs when my generation came up.  These guys could very easily have recruited a turntableist or some half-non-white kid to spout D-grade hip-hop lyrics out at various intervals.  They could have put out music with the sole purpose of being featured in an American Pie montage.

Instead, they did something no one else under the age of 50 is doing anymore - rocking the house in a way that cannot be imitated.  Anyone can pick up a guitar and play a Sum 41 song, or a Green Day song.  I'd offer to challenge you to find someone who can pick up a guitar and rip their way through "Afterlife," but I'm getting tired of typing so I'm going to leave it alone.  Avenged Sevenfold are an incredible band, and unless you've been nodding your head in complete and total agreement this entire time, I don't care what you think about it.