Looks Like the Mantis Team Is a No Show (or: My Fair, Unbiased Review of Ninja Gaiden 3)

"Fuck me...more guys to kill?"

As some of my regular readers are probably aware, Team Ninja's Ninja Gaiden 3 arrived in stores one week ago today.  The critical response, for the most part, was less-than-stellar (Joystiq 2.5 out of 5, Gamespot 5.5 out of 10, and IGN with an unheard-of 3 out of 10).  But, then again...isn't that one area where critics excel, particularly when the critiqued material represents genius beyond their depth?  They pan what they do not understand.

For example: since the 2004 Ninja Gaiden on Xbox, critics have blasted the Gaiden camera.  To my mind, the camera in these games is revolutionary - you have an r-stick to control the swing of the camera, and you have a bumper or trigger button that acts as a camera reset, immediately resetting the camera behind Ryu.  I have never played an action title with a camera as well-developed as the Ninja Gaiden series.

Is that what we have here, then?  Genius ahead of its time being derailed by the critics?

...no.  Not at all.

I am going to try and sum up what's wrong with this game.  I don't believe I need to cover what's right about it, since a) there is so little that is truly "right" with the game, and b) the bits that are right are, let's face it, only right because they're leftovers from a time when Ninja Gaiden actually meant something special.

However.  I will do my best to be fair, and I will do my best to only cover those things that haven't been beaten to death already by the critics.

So what's up, Ninja Gaiden 3?

1. This game is more in the vein of Ninja Blade than Ninja Gaiden.  I'm not sure what happened here, but if anyone's ever checked out the exceptionally pointless title that was Ninja Blade, you probably know what I'm talking about.  Weird sci-fi crap, weird bugs, most of the areas are poorly lit...and everything seems dirty and cheap.  I lost count of the times that I had to rely on my "ninja sense" to know where to go...only because the whole screen was black.

It's almost as though Team Ninja had only a fraction of the budgetary resources for this game than they've had for their past titles.  Or maybe Hayashi confiscated all the funds and used them to buy more hip glasses.

2. We don't need to see Ryu's face.  Ever.  Part of what makes Hayabusa such a great character is that he's bound by his duty.  He can't show his face, regardless of whether or not he wants to.  It made him heroic.  Now you have him showing his face left and right.  Great thinking.

When I first heard about this, it made me think of the obvious reason why Sam Raimi always had Spider Man end up maskless/partially maskless by the end of every film: he wanted his main character to be able to convey expression to the audience via his number one non-verbal toolbox: his FACE.  I thought to myself: well, Hayashi, I certainly hope you know what you're doing.

(Spoiler alert: he didn't.  Unmasked Ryu's face never changed expression once, unless you count his lips moving during conversation.)

3. I don't understand how the voice acting came off so poor and so goddamned grating.  When I played Arkham City, for the first few hours I was thrilled with how you could stalk through the town and listen in on thug conversations and monologues.  It was so fresh and engaging; it really pulled you in and forced you to be present within the confines of the game and city they'd structured.  Sure...by the end of the game you're over it, as even a seemingly-endless supply of enemy dialogue does have limits and you'll end up hearing repeat conversations (not to mention one of the actors began to sound wayyy too much like Chris Moltess...uhh...Michael Imperioli's character from Sopranos).

In this piece of shit?  You get like one voice per enemy class.  One voice, and he repeats just a couple lines over and over.  YOU WILL GO APESHIT.  Here are a few:

"Where is Mantis Team???"
"We need backup!!"
"Killing is my business!"
"Die, dragon ninja!!"
"Time for the main course!!"

Play chapter 5 and tell me you're not ready to find the Mantis Team yourself so you can drop an elbow on their nuts.  Seriously, it's so bad that during the Dubai chapter I thought the Regent of the Mask was either following/stalking along side me or maybe was communicating with me telepathically.  Nope!  Just shitty voice acting.

4. The combat is fucked.  If you played Ninja Gaiden 1 and/or 2 and liked it but ultimately decided you wanted a game that was slower, stiffer, with 88% fewer melee weapon choices, 50% fewer projectile weapon choices, 75% fewer ninpo choices, 75% fewer Ultimate Technique choices, and enemy AI bordering on the retarded?  We got your winner right here: Ninja Gaiden 3.

Another fun bonus: longtime series staple moves have been altered (such as counterattacks, which are now so hit & miss that I didn't even realize you could do them until halfway through my second playthrough) or outright eliminated (no one liked the Guillotine Throw, right??), and any sort of hardcore or technical appeal has been completely removed.  Here's a way to test it out: in Gaiden 2, do a wind run towards the closest enemy, then wind path off his head.  In midair, toss shurikens and immediately after releasing the final shuriken, do a flying swallow at another nearby enemy.

OK, now try to do that exact same sequence in NG3.  Lemme know how that works out for you.

5. The story is fucked.  I can always appreciate someone wanting to take the time to tell a good story, or to take a good story and make it great.  When Team Ninja announced this new approach to Gaiden, I was actually enthused about it: past Gaiden games have been so good in spite of minimal/slightly comical storylines that I was more than willing to give Hayashi a chance here.  It seemed as though he'd really done a decent analysis on the series and wanted to improve the main area that could use improvement: story.

Additionally, he wanted to incite a more emotional response from the player by bringing us into Hayabusa's world and making him more human.  Not necessarily the kiss of death, right?

Not in the hands of anyone other than Hayashi, it appears.  If there's a compelling storyline here, it's lost on me.  Every time you think you understand what's motivating New Ryu, you get a curveball: "Ahh, so Ryu murders even those enemies attempting to surrender.  OK, fine.  ...so now that I'm later in the game and facing a woman who betrayed me by tranquilizing me and turning me over to my enemies...I mean I'm going to straight chop her boobs off, right?  ...oh, well I guess she was doing it to protect a child, so...she's off the hook, I suppose.  Now we're friends, it's like everyone's hugging."

Also - if any of you aspiring game developers are looking to show your audience what it truly feels like to commit a murder, well, a) you're kind of a fuckin sicko, and b) how about you put some fuckin thought into it?  Seriously - I don't want to get into how badly Hayashi failed here because I'm getting tired of typing, so I'll just point up to number three above and ask you this: how the green goddamn am I supposed to feel anything for a video game character that I just dispatched when thirty seconds later I'm fighting another one who looks just like him, acts just like him, and says the SAME FUCKIN SHIT in the SAME FUCKIN VOICE over and over?
___
That's all I've got, folks.  Team Ninja has failed us.  I'm not going to get into the constant interruptions, or the constant slo-mo bits, or the retarded kunai climbing, or the idiotic boss battles that were supposed to remove the "fantastical" element from past games and end up being every bit as outlandish.

Personally, I don't believe that IGN's 3/10 score is warranted; I have a feeling that the reviewer is probably pro-Itagaki and had it in his mind that the game would fail since the day Itagaki quit.  Yes, I'm pro-Itagaki, but more than that - I'm pro-Gaiden, so I tried to remain as open as possible for as long as possible.  Shut up.

That said - I also believe a score of 5/10 is as high as a person could go in good conscience.  Since it's Ryu we're dealing with here, that's what I'm going to do.

Five out of ten.  Game over.

An Idea for the Greatest T-Shirt of All Time.

I'm not saying I'm making these, I'm not saying I have them, I'm certainly not encouraging anyone else to have these made en masse and/or wear them all the time...I'm simply stating a fact:

...and the fact is that this design, when applied to a Hanes Beefy Tee, would constitute the single raddest T-shirt ever designed by the minds of man.

D.H./droidhayabusa@gmail.com

PS I'm certainly not suggesting that, say, any group of pissed off Gaiden fans who happen to be in Japan right now all obtain shirts like this and go stand outside Tecmo Koei.

.... -... -..

.... .- .--. .--. -.-- / -- ..- - .... .- / ..-. ..- -.-. -.- .. -. / -... .. .-. - .... -.. .- -.-- --..-- / -- .- .-. -.- .-.-.- / -.- .. -.-. -.- / .- ... ... .-.-.-

My Official Formal Challenge: I Want to Fight You, Yosuke Hayashi

I imagine there aren't too many ways for me to do this without coming off sounding a little bit like a nutjob but, after discussing with Amydroid (I think I did...if not, sorry hun), I've decided to risk it:

To Yosuke Hayashi:

Mr. Hayashi - current head of Team Ninja - I officially challenge you to a fist fight (or karate fight, if you know that stuff.  I don't).  Before you shrug me off: I want you to recognize that I'm telling you - whether you believe it or not - that you have made enemies of an entire army of Gaiden fans worldwide.  Before the petitions start circulating demanding for your resignation, I suggest you seek out a means to answer for what you've done.

I am offering just such an opportunity.

I will find a way to make certain this challenge is delivered to you in some way.  You are free to refuse, and I will leave you alone forever if that is what suits you.
___

To the public:
Now, in the interest of not putting anyone off, I want to make a few things clear:

1. I am not a fighter in any sense of the imagination.

2. I have never been in an actual fight (except for in my twenties I did a couple bouts of "Vodka Boxing," which is actually exactly what it sounds like, and I don't remember winning anything, but I do remember hitting my opponent's elbow so hard one night I actually passed out from pain in my hand).

3. I weigh 170 pounds soaking wet.

4. I have no formal training in any sort of fighting or martial art.

5. I am not trying to bully anyone in any way.

6. I have no cruel streak, i.e. sadism.

7. I have no criminal record other than a couple alcohol-related misdemeanors from much earlier in life.

The point of my challenge is this - Mr. Hayashi has done irreperable harm to the Ninja Gaiden franchise with Ninja Gaiden 3.  Mr. Hayashi has derailed this franchise so badly that I will be extremely surprised if we - the fans - ever get a Ninja Gaiden 4.  I'm not alone here: IGN's review of Ninja Gaiden 3 consisting of three out of ten stars.  I have never heard of any game scoring that low on IGN...particularly a major release such as this one.

Simply put, Mr. Hayashi needs to answer for the choices he has made.

I think under normal circumstances we would simply call for Mr. Hayashi's resignation.  However, a couple years ago, my wife got laid off, and I got to witness firsthand what being jobless for a few months did to a person.  I wouldn't want to wish that on anyone, including Mr. Hayashi (even though, in his case, it would be because he was shitty at his job and kinda deserved it, rather than just the economy eating shit at the time).

Instead, I suggest that he - as the head of Team Ninja - accept my challenge and meet me for a fight. This way, he keeps his job, and who knows - maybe he'll beat me.  I am willing to fly myself to Japan on my own dime to make this happen.  I am also willing to keep the fight as quiet as is reasonable to protect Mr. Hayashi; however, I am fighting on behalf of the Ninja Gaiden community, and as such I will insist on keeping them apprised of the outcome of the fight verbally via my blog (no pictures unless Hayashi requests or agrees).

___

To Ninja Gaiden fans worldwide:

I hope you can understand what I'm doing and get behind it.  You may not agree with what I'm doing, or the fact that - let's face it - I'm doing it on behalf of the Ninja Gaiden community without first consulting them (you).  Hear me out, please:

Ninja Gaiden is, let's face it, GONE.  The Gaiden we grew up playing and loving died with Itagaki's departure.  Whether you are behind me 110 percent or you disagree with what I'm doing or how I'm doing it...I encourage you to consider the fact that nothing on earth will give us a new Gaiden game.  Whether Hayashi is allowed to believe his game was a success or he is forced to resign (two options that I'm personally very much against)...there will be no more Gaiden for us.

I say - let him fight me, or let him refuse.  I say - no matter what happens, that we, the Gaiden community, let the matter rest at that.  To those of you who would insist that Mr. Hayashi lose his job: I would suggest that, rather than starting a petition or something, you simply be patient.  Mr. Hayashi has demonstrated with NG3 (not to mention the changes he implemented into NG Sigma 2) that he's out of his depth.  If he doesn't improve dramatically, I don't imagine he'll be in the top spot for much longer.

In my honest opinion, what I have proposed here is as honorable of an outcome as we can hope for.  On behalf of the rest of the community, I implore each of you to take the high road here, no matter how upset you may be.  Let the fight settle the matter.  Win, lose, or draw: we let it go after that.

___

To everyone:

Thank you for your time.

- droid hayabusa

PS any ideas on how I can get my challenge to him?  I'm thinking certified letter or something like that.  Anyone got any ideas, leave them below.

Ninja Gaiden 3 (or: "Thanks for Nothing, Hayashi.")

Ninja's note: you will find that I'm not typically one to revisit or edit my posts at all.  However, upon reviewing this post, my dear wife Amydroid informed me that - thanks to the Patriot Act - every single word in the original post could actually be considered an act of terrorism.

Let me some it up for you in as non-threatening of a way as I can:

1. Ninja Gaiden 3 sucks.
2. It would be rad if something bad happened to Hayashi.
3. Hayashi ruined my hope for a better tomorrow (a better tomorrow for me, I mean).
4. I don't like Hayashi very much.
5. If something bad were to happen to Hayashi, I would actually clap my hands a little bit.

FUCK.  YOU HAVE RUINED EVERYTHING, Hayashi.  FUCK YOU, KISS MY BALLS.  This is how bad you suck: Japanese people used to be my favorite kind of Asian.  Now?

Fuck it: bring on the Koreans.

You are an epic piece of shit, Hayashi.  FUCK.  Now what do I do???

FUCK!

The Best Android 4.0 ROM Under the Sun

AOKP

(Android Open Kang Project)

So, here's the thing about smartphones in general (and I am proceeding as though I'm speaking exclusively to Android users rather than i-Users, even though some of this may be applicable across platforms.  It's just that I made a decision about seven years ago after seeing the single coolest looking person I've ever seen walking out of an Apple store - I'm not cool enough for Apple.  Period.  So to this day I have no idea how any of the Apple things work.)

Oh, wait, forgot my point - the point is, battery life can sometimes suck the big one.  My first smartphone was a Droid X, which was rad, but after a few times where the thing died on me in real inopportuned...fuck it.  I've typed that word four times now and each time spell check underlines it so FUCK IT, you know what I'm saying.  Anyways, yeah: after having my phone die on me in situations where I'm talking on it to my boss, or using the navigation app, I started thinking: wouldn't it be better if I had a battery that was a little more reliable?

My first plan - I admit, a less-than-well-thought-out plan - was that maybe I just needed a better phone.  Better than a Droid X???  Well, you have to remember, this was last year...2011...which brought about the dual-core processor (whatever the fuck that means, btw) and the onset of the 4G networks.  So I was able to convince myself that a better phone might just be the ticket.

Ninja's note: if you ever hear your brain suggesting to you that making the jump to 4G from 3G will cure your battery woes...you need to hit yourself.

Enter September 8, 2011 - I was the retard in the Verizon store when they opened, holding out my hand and demanding a Droid Bionic.  Funny thing about the Bionic, though, which I noticed by the end of that first day - 4G is an absolute battery rapist.  It's the difference between what you do to your girlfriend in the sack and what you see guys doing to their girls in Asian porn.  Fuck.  It was dead by the end of the first day.

I just realized I've typed four or maybe five paragraphs and I haven't even gotten to my current phone yet.  Dude bear with me a little, it'snot even 8am yet, and in case you can't figure out from the date on this post (3/18) I will just tell you - yesterday was St. Patty's Day, and if that's not clear enough - I'm still wearing yesterday's green.  I'm seeing two of everything.  My wife might even be dead, I've never seen her so hung over.  

Anyways, now I have a Samsung Galaxy Nexus, which is the creme de la creme of battery raping phones.  Out of the box, this fucker will beast-hump your battery to death in under eight hours.  Seriously, if I were typing this post on my phone from a full charge, I'd be down near the seventy percent mark by now. 

But then I found AOKP (Android Open Kang Project), a neat little ROM you can install on your phone and fix all your problems (well, battery life will still suck, just not as bad).  Oh, BTW - you have to know what a ROM is already, I am in no condition to explain it right now.  

AOKP is put together by a person named Roman, who is probably some snarky kid who probably listens to a lot of the music I complain about on this site.  Nevertheless, his ROM rocks and he deserves my highest praise - a ninja high-five.  Check out the almost-flatline that occurs when I'm sleeping now:

Quick side note - I just remembered I think I left some of my shit over at my neighbors' house last night.  This was in ADDITION to my car keys and cell phone, which my neighbors were nice enough to show up with after I got home.  Fuck.  I need a do-over for today, I'm already thinking.

So anyways, AOKP is awesome.  A lot of people will probably tell you that you need to get on board with a different ROM - Droid Theory is a pretty popular one - but most people are massive tools, so who are you going to listen to, them or me?  Seriously, I've used a couple Theory ROMS, and - from my experience - they're only marginally better than what your phone comes equipped with.  Liberty is another good one, but still nowhere near AOKP.  I'd tell you why but my head hurts, just trust me.

OH!  Here's something - I kinda thing Theory is a bit of a pussy.  Seriously.  A few months back, some other Android developer insinuated he was stealing someone else's work, or something completely retarded like that, and the guy (Theory) actually took his ROMs offline and wrote a big post announcing to the world that he was QUITTING.  Seriously.  

I admit I was pissed, and I even allowed myself to emit an extremely rare forum post on the matter wherein I tried to say something supportive to DT, but seriously - you've got something you enjoy doing, and you're going to quit because of something someone else said??  Even worse - you're going to take it public??

He should have fucking fought that dude.  Seriously.  I'm not talking in that lame high school way, obviously, I'm talking in the cool honorable samurai way.  He should have fought that dude, and either straight decapped him, or taken a limb off and set himself up for the Obliteration Technique.  Especially now that the OT is officially a forbidden technique according to Hayashi the Pussy.  

FUCK YOU, HAYASHI.  I was getting drunk with a lady who TEACHES GRADE SCHOOL last night and she had the exact same glasses you wear on.  You fucking retard.

Oh!  Here's something useful.  Most people will tell you that if you want to make your own corned beef you need to brine the brisket for three weeks.  This is utter bullshit, as it turns out.  All you need to do is take a brisket and

Fuck there's no way I'm remembering the recipe right now.  Sorry.  Oh, and my neighbor made fried cabbage last night.  Just try to imagine it.  It was so good.

FUCK YOU, HAYASHI.

Singing Like a Pussy Vs Singing Pussy Songs

My dear wife - we'll call her Amydroid - she and I had a surprisingly in-depth discussion recently about one of my posts; this post had something to do with someone singing like a pussy and my wife who is completely not imaginary by the way had some trouble with my nomenclature. So, I offer an explanation:

1. SINGING like a pussy = anyone whose voice alone - regardless of language, speech, content, anything; we're seriously just talking voice quality here - makes them sound like a fundamentally weak human. By "weak" I am of course referring to the whiners, pussies, victims, emo kids, complainers, and Coldplay members everywhere. This is what is popular right now.  You are the singer that I can't tell if you're male or female, straight or gay, young or old.  You're just a neuterroid.

Ninja note: there is nothing wrong with being gay, old, etc., so don't misinterpret my comment.  Before I met my wife I spent decades wishing I'd get hit with Gay Fever (didn't happen). A person should, however, be what he or she is.  You can't tell me that suddenly all the folks who wants to front a band right now all just naturally sound like androgynous neuterroids the same way you couldn't tell me that the wave of Eddie Vedder wannabes that washed over my life like a nightmare tsunami during the nineties were doing what came naturally to them.  Be who you are, or it doesn't work.  Assholes.

2. Singing Pussy Songs = EASY.  A pussy song is a song that makes you sound like a pussy based on what you're saying.  In other words...number 1 above is based on the WHY = because you sound like a pussy, regardless of what you say.  Number 2 here is based on the HOW = you might sound manly, but you're a pussy because what comes out of your mouth is the verbal equivalent of the kind of shit that I expected to find in my parents' bathroom wastebasket once a month wrapped in toilet paper and shoved to the bottom of the container like I wouldn't notice the seepage.

You want to know what a pussy song is? I'll do one better: I'll provide an example of a pussy song sung by a guy who does NOT sing like a pussy.

Tonguetied, by Grouplove
Take me to your best friends house
Roll around this roundabout, oh yeah
Take me to your best friends house
I loved you then and I love you now, oh yeah

Don't take me tongue tied
Don't wave no good bye

Take me to your best friends house
[Something lame and probably asexual] we're making out, oh yeah
Take me to your best friends house
I loved you then and I love you now, oh yeah

Don't take me tongue tied
Don't wave no good bye

Alright, so...I won't dedicate any more of my free blog space to this horrible song, but that's OK, because unless you either don't get the same crappy local radio as me, or you don't have a way to view television commercials, I'm sure you've heard it.  Now...why does this suck so bad?  The guy doesn't sound like a pussy...

No, but look at what he's saying.  Sounds a little neutered, no??  If you "loved her then," then it stands to reason that whoever she is, this attraction between the two of you has gone on for some time.  So if you really did love her then, regardless of whether you love her now...you should, at least once, have been balls-deep in her mouth, no exceptions.  If you were even the least bit heterosexual, she would have forgotten all about her "best friends' house," for crying out loud.  She would have forgot she had any friends except for your man parts, because your man parts would have become her best friend a long time ago.  Don't be a retard.

And being tongue-tied??  How is that even an issue??  By this point you should be able to give your tongue a break (real men are silent once the hellos are delivered, always).  Are you still trying to impress her with words, you fuckin moron?  Maybe shutting the fuck up once in a while will lead to her actually becoming curious about you, since all of a sudden she's not privy to every dumbass thought rolling through your empty head.

Here are some ways a person with balls would have approached this song: let's say you were hellbent on using "best friend's house," at the end of the first line.  And you feel - for whatever completely insane reason - that this line is so good that it needs to be repeated over and over in the song.  OK.  First off - you need to develop a pool of potential rhymes for "house."  I will produce a bunch of usable rhymes off the top of my head:

HOUSE: mouse, South, ouch, couch, louse, mouth, pout, douse, blouse, spouse.  That should be plenty.

Are you starting to imagine how any of the above could have been used in a much more interesting, manlier way?  "...we're making out?"  Are you fucking kidding me??  You don't admit to "making out" with anyone unless you're ten years old OR IT LEADS TO SOMETHING, and even then you do it in a scratch-behind-the-head, ashamed way.  "Yeah, we left giant sex dents on top of her asshole Dad's precious vintage Vette, but...I had to make out with her a little first."

Are you still not seeing it?  Do I have to do everything for you people?  Fine.  Using the rhymes we produced above here are - off the top of my head - enough de-pussied verses to where you could have written this song twice and still kept your Man Badge:

De-pussified Verse 1
Take me to your best friend's house, we'll
Fuck on the lawn, then burn it down, OH/YEAH

Simple and basic: a Sid and Nancy approach to a Friday night.  Instantly better than any verse in the entire Grouplove song.

De-pussified Verse 2
Take me to your best friend's house
I'll do her and then we'll burn it down, OH/YEAH

Slightly more complex: this verse is similar to above yet carries the subtle suggestion of Sid and Nancy being exceptionally high.  I'm thinking PCP.

De-pussified Verse 3
Take me to your best friend's house
I'll do you both/right in the mouth, OH/YEAH

Much better and straightforward; this is how vintage Crue would have handled the rhyme.  I'm clapping right now this is such an improvement.

De-pussified Verse 4
Take me to your best friend's house
It's roofie roulette/on the couch, OH/YEAH

This one carries the same suggestions as three above with a slightly more tongue-in-cheek (not TIED, assholes) approach.  Plus, I just made up something called roofie roulette,  which sounds AWESOME.  You're welcome, fraternities across America.

De-pussified Verse 5
Take me to your best friend's house
I'll bang the braces right out her mouth, OH/YEAH

This one is edgy in the same way verse two is edgy and still manages to pay tribute to the late George Carlin, who (in one of his books...Brain Droppings, I think?) made a joke about banging a girl so hard her freckles fell off.

De-pussified Verse 6
Take me to your best friend's house
Let's get you drunk and out that blouse, OH/YEAH

Verse six I simply have to classify as simple and classic.  No pussy shit here at all; this is Getting Laid 101 - get her someplace comfy and pour the liquor down her throat.  Fuckin duh.

De-pussified Verse 7
Take me to your best friend's house
You can take turns and pet that pocket mouse, OH/YEAH

This verse is a homage to KISS, and by KISS, I of course mean Paul Stanley.  In fact, he may have actually sang these exact lyrics at some point.  There's no way to ever be sure.

De-pussified Verse 8
Take me to your best friend's house
First it's your butt and then her mouth, OH/YEAH

This one you may have to use your imagination a little bit but I highly recommend it.  In case what I'm describing above isn't abundantly clear, just roll it around in your brain for a little bit until it clicks.  You'll know when you've got it.

And what's to say about it?  Genius, genius, genius.  It's a mishmash of all the above: classic, edgy, Sid & Nancy, and it reeks of liquor, PCP, and probably a few other chemicals as well.  I win.

---

See what I mean?  I literally spent NO TIME on this, which proves to me that this GROUPLOVE outfit needs a serious lesson in not only de-pussying themselves but also taking a little bit of pride in their writing.

Actually, nevermind.  Nevermind nevermind nevermind.  I just wanted to see what you looked like, so I googled you, and now I'm afraid you never had a chance to begin with.  You're the drama club kids from high school...featuring the son of Tom Waits and Lon Chaney's Wolfman (far left).

FUCK.  These idiots will probably be around forever.  Ozzy will probably be dead by 2020 but these granola-eaters will still be around after I'm gone.  Shit, now I wish I'd just stayed on the couch and not gotten anywhere near a computer.

The SECOND Greatest Band of All Time

"You wanted the best?  Well, they didn't fuckin make it.  So here's what you get - from Hollywood - GUNS AND ROSES."

This post is going to serve several purposes; much like the Avenged post, it will identify one of the greatest bands of all time.  Two, it will illustrate why this band is one of the greatest bands of all time.  Additionally, it's going to document a very surreal moment in my life: this moment, the one happening right now.  The moment wherein I realize that my favorite band of all time - Guns n Roses - is not the greatest band of all time.

Weird to get your head around, I know.  Had you asked me at any point during the past twenty years, I would have used the phrases "greatest band" and "my favorite band" interchangeably, and I would have answered without hesitation that the answer to your question is GnR, and - had you needed supporting evidence - I would have offered you Appetite for Destruction as the be-all, end-all argument winner.  (And FYI - if you had even opened your mouth to take a breath after that I would have punched you until shit was coming out both ends.  Appetite provides the check and the mate to this and many other arguments.)

So what happened, D.H.?  What's even going on?  Are you saying GnR is no longer your favorite band?  

I think what's happened is this: GnR is and always will be my favorite band.  There's no getting around it.  The sad dealbreaker in this instance is that it's not as simple as I've stated above; it's much more complex.  The truth of the matter is this: the GnR that recorded Appetite for Destruction is my favorite band of all time.  The GnR that recorded Use Your Illusion and Spaghetti Incident barely registers in my top twenty.  And, sadly, the current incarnation of GnR isn't even a blip on my radar.

There was, however, one fleeting moment in time where the five maniacs in the above photo had their shit together well enough to crank out an album so fucking good that to this day it makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.  It's my desert island album (and if I'm allowed three albums on the island?  Fuck you, I want three fuckin copies of Appetite.  In case two wear out).  It's the album that I insisted be included in some way at my wedding.  When I die, I want to be buried wearing headphones with an MP3 player (no I don't want a fuckin iPod) loaded with nothing but Appetite and playing on loop.

What is it about Appetite that makes it so good?  I'll tell you exactly what: in every way imaginable, it was EDGY.  From a musical standpoint, it was conceptually edgy: you had blues-based guitar players playing with punk rock attitude.  From a songwriting standpoint, it was edgy: certainly there are instances of the boring old verse/chorus/verse/chorus bit , but the Gunners always managed to work SOME bizarre new part in there to keep it fresh.  The content itself was cutting edge; their use of the blues scale in the primary guitar riffs and sections created some of the darkest, hardest shit you've ever heard (chorus riff on "Jungle," main riffs from "Rocket Queen" and "Brownstone").  Check it out, I'll wait.  Yeah, see?  Kinda makes you feel dumb for ever getting excited for "Smoke on the Water," huh?  Makes you feel like the kid you thought was one of those super-genius autistic kids ended up being just a plain ol' retard.

Most importantly, however, their attitude was completely cutting edge, ahead of and behind it's time, and...well, I'll rant about their attitude later on in the scorecard.


1. Energy 9/10 
No use denying it - these guys had the tools to get you pumped and they knew how to use them.  From the sheer speed of Slash's hands to Axl's schizophrenia to Steven Adler's drugged-up minimalist chops (which, yes, were better for the band than Matt Sorum's technically superior skills) to Duff McKagan's guitarist approach to the bass, the band had at it's core enough raw instability to set off a mushroom cloud.  And lucky for us, they did...one time.

Appetite alone serves to document a moment in time when the energy of five individuals burned bright enough to light up all of Hollywood for years to come. From the opening track "Welcome to the Jungle" to the lesser-known (but far superior) "It's So Easy" and "Nightrain," the album opens like a Spock neck pinch to the nuts and makes you wait eight tracks or so before even letting up in the least.  Hallelujah.

Take the Nightrain test if you don't believe me: go buy a bottle of Nightrain.  Bring it home.  Sit down at the table with it.  Open it up and take a whiff.  Smells fuckin horrible, right?  Now go play Appetite's third track - "Nightrain" - on your stereo with the volume at 75% or so.  Sit back down at the table in front of the bottle.

The song lasts about four minutes.  I can guarantee you, unless you suck, by the time that four minutes is up, half the bottle will be gone and you'll be doing some insane shit.  Last time I did this I woke up at 2pm the next day under a friend's dinner table.  There was a trail of puke leading from me all the way out to the rear patio door.  No clue.

Now, don't think Appetite alone is going to be enough to elevate these guys to a score of nine; luckily, the rest of their catalog at least rocks pretty hard.  Not in love with the material in the slightest, but yeah...the energy's there.  Even Illusion-era GnR could still fuckin rock if they wanted to.  Check out the live version of "Pretty Tied Up" from their live album.  Illusion material performed by the Illusion-era band...and it comes off.

2. Quality of Material - 6/10
This is how I would sum up the breakdown of the band's material over the years, and how it averages out to six out of ten:
Appetite for Destruction - 10/10
Use Your Illusion - 6/10
Chinese Democracy - 2/10
Appetite is perfect.  Illusion remains probably the single (double?) biggest disappointment of my teenage life.  Seriously; what made them think that would be OK?  "My World?"  SEVERAL ten-minute long whine-a-thons like "November Rain" and "Estranged"?  Where's the edgy guitar work??  I keep waiting for a riff that's gonna blow my hair back, like the ones from Appetite did.  Fuck, moment never came.

Ninja's Note to GnR: BTW - "Don't Cry" is an alright song, but please - don't try to sell it to me twice.  Needs a lot more than a lyrical overhaul before I'll be willing to get behind it once, let alone a second time around.

Democracy is about what you'd expect from a Slash-less GnR: aside from Axl's vocals, it sounds like all the other crap on the radio.

In hindsight, one can observe what truly happened here - Slash burned out.  That's all it was.  All the edge and the desperation of Appetite ended with Appetite, and he never recovered.  He tried with the Illusion series and it didn't work, not at all.  Luckily, a burnt-out Slash is far superior than no Slash, as we see from the scores.

Ultimately leaving the band didn't even help; has he done anything noteworthy since?  Try to think of a post-GnR Slash riff that you're familiar enough with that you can hum.  Go ahead, I'll wait right here.

3. Creativity in Content and Structure - 8/10
I tend to find my sympathies leaning towards Slash whenever I think of the ongoing feud between he and Axl.  That's not to say that I'm an Axl Rose detractor, however: far from it.  I might not be the hugest fan of (spoiler alert) his voice, and I might not want to hang out and get drunk with the guy, but I give credit where it's due, and credit is due to Mr. W. Axl Rose.

Now, Slash's contributions are, in my opinion, far more significant than Axl's...though, for all intents and purposes, these significant contributions ended with Appetite.  Slash was in a zone all his own for the recording of Appetite.  Every single note he performed on that album wasn't just perfect...it was beyond perfect.  "Perfect" is what Illusion-era Slash played: clean, melodically advanced, blues-based phrasing with an emphasis on rhythm.  Beyond perfect is what Appetite-era Slash played: messy, chaotic, straight from the eye of the tornado.  You hear a dark monster of a rock anthem like "Jungle" and over it?  A guitar lick you've never imagined in your wildest dreams.  A sissy love song like "Sweet Child" ends up having the fucking doors kicked off it by Slash's lead parts at the end.  Even the frantic pace of "It's So Easy" proves no match for Slash; most guitarists - particularly blues-based guys, such as Slash - prefer slower rhythms to solo over, as eventually the tempo outraces their ability to play sixteenth notes, which leaves the soloist with eighth & quarter notes...not much to work with.  Not so with Slash!  His phrasing is so advanced that he's able to piece together an absolutely intriguing lead on "It's So Easy" using only eighth & quarter notes.  Bravo, old friend.  If I had a top hat I would take it off in your honor right now.

It is Axl, however, to whom the Gunners owe most of this particularly decent score to.  Axl's drive to keep the band fresh and creative helped keep the music from completely falling into the drink.  Sure, the content itself sucked compared to Appetite, but at least Axl's schizophrenia kept it interesting, if nothing else.  "Did he just say "cool ranch dressing?"  You fuckin better believe he did, buddy.

Even the nu-metal shit-tornado that is Democracy still has plenty of those neurotic structural moments which, if you're here for Axl, I'm sure you're all over.

4. Attitude - 10/10
BOOM. No fucking around here, please: never in recorded history has a display of attitude been documented or captured that's been so fundamentally sleazy, dangerous, and edgy as the Gunners. End of story.

With this band it actually becomes troublesome to try and separate the attitude from the image, because the attitude is so large that it is the image. We're going to try anyways, though...we're gonna look at the twelve songs on the Appetite album and examine what separates these Attitude Moguls from the Limp Bizkit nancies of the world:

Track 01 - "Welcome to the Jungle" Hi, my name is W. Axl Rose, and I'd like to introduce you to your new environment.  No, not much is changed...not much that I can think of anyways...OH!  Here's a new rule:  if you touch my shit, I will rape you.  (And - truth be told - I'm probably going to end up raping you even if you don't touch my shit.)

Track 02 - "It's So Easy" If you are interested in looking as cool as Axl, here's how you do it - you a) drive drunk, b) set fires, c) tell people to fuck off, and punch people out.  That's about all there is to it.  Pretty easy.

Track 03 - "Nightrain" An anthem to a particularly vile dollar wine.  Fill my cup.

Track 04 - "Out ta Get Me" I'm paranoid, and you can suck it.

Track 05 - "Mr. Brownstone" Most poignant and complete summation of what to expect from heroin ever conceived by the minds of men: I used to do a little but a little wouldn't do it so the little got more and more.  

Track 06 - "Paradise City" A high-energy mishmash of semi-coherent sleaze interspersed with an extremely catchy chorus, with brilliant lead work by Slash from start to finish.

Track 07 - "My Michelle" I know someone named Michelle and she's kind of a fuck up.

Track 08 - "Think About You" Axl has a soft side.  Note the completely insane laugh near one of the guitar breaks, though.  Very creepy and pure Axl.

Track 09 - "Sweet Child O Mine" This one's a roller coaster.  Very cool opening riff into some fairly low-energy, boring stuff, both content-wise and structurally.  Decent leads by Slash, and just when you're about to flip to the next track - we're talking mid-bar, here - BOOM.  The Gunners kick it into high gear with a heavier, minor-keyed chord progression which supports THE greatest guitar solo of all time.  Fuck you.  Suddenly the energy knob is cranked to eleven and you're punching shit for no reason.  Then there's a quiet break, which you don't mind anymore at all because the Gunners just reminded you why you're listening to their shit in the first place, and you know they won't keep you there forever.  And do they?

NOPE.  Suddenly Slash starts raping the shit out of his guitar again and IT'S ON.  Fun fact about this song: listen to the very last note Slash plays (it's an open low E string, FYI).  Note that a second or two after he hits the note, the pitch shifts very slightly.  Wanna know how he did that?  Whammy bar?  Are you fuckin retarded?  Les Pauls don't have whammy bars.

No, the burly fucker grabbed the neck of his guitar and bent it.  As if we all didn't think he was superhuman enough.  

Track 10 - "You're Crazy" In this instance, the title pretty much covers it.

Track 11 - "Anything Goes" Listening to this song as I kid, I always thought everyday adult life would be a little more like this.  Not so much.  Instead, it involves way more yard work than you would have thought.  Oh well.

"Panties around your knees with your ass in debris/doing that grind with a push and squeeze." AWESOME.

Track 12 - "Rocket Queen" Ladies of the world, meet Axl the Schizophrene: I'll spend the first half of this track explaining my keen sexual prowess in no uncertain terms.  Then we'll break for a slide solo overdubbed with porn sounds.  Then we'll wrap up the track with my explaining how deeply I care for you.

Attitude - either you've got it or you don't.

5. Cohesive Image That Isn't Retarded - 9/10 10/10
Ahh, so close, guys.  So...fuckin...close.  Nine out of ten is the best I can do.

I actually feel bad for having to do this.  You really ought to have the market cornered here...you've got the greatest name of any band from the last twenty years.  You look like the kind of wastoid that I always strove to be while growing up and learning to get funked up.  Plus, you actually had a tabloid reputation for a while there!  The drinking, the heroin, Axl's peeing on a commercial flight...the womanizing...oh shit, and Slash's top hat!  Tell me you never wished you could find a place that sold top hats so you could at least see how you looked in one after seeing Slash onstage wearing that fucking thing.

...but, when your wolfish image is compromised by a drummer admitting to sucking dick for blow...kinda takes the wind out of the sails, and...actually, no, nevermind.  Forget everything I just said.  That actually somehow manages to fit their image.  Ten out of ten.  As a matter of fact, I'm actually lowering my own personal private coolness score right now, because I've never sucked dick for drugs (that I remember).

6. Singer Doesn't Sound Like a Pussy - 7/10
This one may cause a bit of a fracas but I don't really care: mostly, Axl's voice is OK at best.  It definitely fits the vibe and image of the band, so I'm not going to completely castrate them point-wise, here...and he definitely isn't a pussy.  But sometimes, once in a great while, he kinda sounds like one.

I've always thought so.  Growing up, I used to ask individual friends for their opinions on Axl's voice, and you know what none of them said to me?  "I like Axl Rose's voice."  I got plenty of "I don't mind Axl's voice," and "There's nothing wrong with Axl's voice," and "Axl's voice is alright," but no one wanting to meet my insinuation with a head-on argument.

You know how it's impossible to listen to Danzig without thinking of a Great Dane howling?  Same thing here, only instead of a dog...Axl makes me imagine the hyper, whiny, red-haired kid with ADD we all knew growing up went & formed a band sometimes.

7. Surviving Drug Overdoses and Alcohol Poisoning - 11/10
DING DING DING!  We have a WINNER!  Fuck you, I can give more points than are available if I want, and in this case...I want.  Hot damn.  The only person who outdoes GnR in this department would be Mr. Nikki Sixx, which is one of the prime reasons the Crue is the Honorable Mention band.

Wait a minute, did I say "outdoes GnR?"  Because the whole reason we have the score we do here is because of one man - SLASH.

"I had my chemically induced overdoses and alcohol poisoning and all that. I would just keep pushing it and pushing it. I had absolutely no fear of not waking up." -- SLASH the fuckin MAN

Numerous bouts of alcohol poisoning?  CHECK.  Numerous drug overdoses?  CHECK.  Found dead in his hotel room at least once?  CHECK.  Still alive?  You fuckin better believe it.  If it wasn't for guys like Slash and Sixx I'd probably be dead right now, and here's why: because the first time I ever ODed, I didn't panic and call an ambulance or fuck myself up even worse.  Why?  Because I knew it was possible to survive an overdose.

You know how sad it is that there's a generation of kids out there right now that aren't growing up with this kind of shit?  You know how badly fucked their heads are going to be when they grow up after listening to pussies on the radio singing lines like "YOU GOTTA SPEND SOME TIME/LOVE/You gotta spend some TIME/with ME," for their whole lives?  Dude if you have to make the suggestion that she spend time with you, maybe the root cause of your problem is that the time she does spend with you is about as manly and erotic as getting a bikini wax.

"You get nuthin for nuthin, if that's what you do/turn around, bitch, I got a use for you/
BESIDES!  You ain't got nuthin/better to do...and I'm BORED."

There we go; that's my generation's response to your idiot song.  I will possess your heart.  Pfft. [High-pitched crazy voice]: "No you won't!"  :)

I actually hope that guy's talking about physically murdering the girl and possessing her heart in that respect.  Like in a big pickle jar.  But no, I'm sure this is just another instance wherein I ascribe credit for potential coolness where none is due.  I need to quit being so nice.

Anyways, forgot what I was talking about there.  Oh well.

8. Not Changing Your Sound So Dramatically That It Negates Your Earlier Work - 7/10
This is...actually I thought this category was going to be pretty straightforward and I'm finding out that it is not.  Oh well.

I've already mentioned my disdain towards most post-Appetite GnR material.  Has it affected their score in other categories?  Yes.  Therefore, it shouldn't affect this score, and it won't.  Then why 7/10 rather than 10/10?  I'm going to try to explain:

The category covers bands who change their sound in a way that negates their earlier work.  The Gunners did change their sound, and it was for the worse: Appetite was this holy blend of Rolling Stones-ish blues-based rock n roll and pure punk rock energy and attitude.  The next full-length studio release was the Use Your Illusion set, at which point you've completely lost the punk rock edginess, the energy...and you're basically just a Rolling Stones knock-off band.  However, since the pool of quality "earlier work" in this instance (Appetite) was unaffected by this change, their score is not affected from this angle.

However.  You basically have one quality album of "earlier work" before you took a shit on us.  That's twelve songs.  And that's why you're getting a nine rather than a ten - you hardly even had any "earlier work" to defend.

FINAL SCORE: 68/80

This about wraps it up, though I'd be remiss if I didn't mention that next month, this phenomenal band is being inducted into the Rock n Roll Hall of Fame.  They deserve it.  I won't waste anyone's time whining about how much better life would be if they got back together, because let's face it - the edge is gone.  The old adage about the flame that burns twice as bright lasts half as long?  That's what we have here.  They fell off long before the irreconcilable differences set in.

So I'm just going to end this post in the most honest way I can: I love you, Axl and Slash.  Hope you're both having fun wherever you are.

Commandeering the Word "Homos"

Ninja's Note: In honor of Ice Cream Sandwich, the greatest incarnation of the Android platform ever devised as of yet, I am coloring the font in this post ICE CREAM SANDWICH BLUE, which is unfortunately not this blue at all, but this is as close as I can get without having to resort to digging into the HTML, which I only do when I've been drinking.  

I'm on the fence about posting this one.  I have a feeling that my perception may not reflect true reality here; specifically, I fear that my perception of the degree of the evolution of the implied contract to which we all adhere with one another may - again - not be as advanced as I sometimes give it credit for.  Same with our worldwide maturity level and our willingness to be honest with each other...AND OURSELVES.  I fear this entire post may backfire in some way that is at this moment entirely unfathomable to me.  Nonetheless - those who allow fear into their hearts always finish last.  So I will begin.

Gay community - would it be alright with you if I took the word "homo" and kinda redirected some (or all, your choice) of it away from you all?  Specifically, I think the word is much more suitable when applied to any one of my three cats: Squirrel, Malvo, and Inspector Tequila.

These cats aren't really necessarily gay, that's not what prompts this at all (though they're certainly no bastions of heterosexuality that I can tell, either).  This is a much more organic idea that revolves around the musical quality of the word itself: "homo."  It's just a pleasing thing to say, particularly when getting home from a long day and walking in the door.  "Hi, homos."  "Hey, homos."  "HOMOS!  I'm HOME!"  It is exceptionally effective when applied to adorable little furry faces, such as these:

Would you really deny me the ability to refer to this as a 

"sweet pile of furry homos?"

I think, gay community, that you have little to lose and much to gain.  Out of all the words you use to describe yourself...is "homo" one of your favorites?  I would doubt it.  I would even suggest - and I bet most American males who attended an American high school at any point between 1776 - today would back me up here - that from my experience, "homo" has kind of developed a less-than-positive connotation.  Why not shed yourselves of it entirely and be free?  Give it to me, I will accept it with much gratitude.

Rest of the world (ie non-gay community), I'm not even going to ask because your opinion doesn't matter here. You're the bozos who took a grand old word like "homo" and turned it into a derogatory slur.  Now that I think about it...you people have a slur for everything.  You should be ashamed.  For the record, I only employ slurs when I'm, uh, slurring someone for a characteristic they can control.  Being a pussy, for example, or selecting a vehicle based primarily on it's gas mileage.  This is the ninja way.

The ball, as they say, is in your court, gay community.  I will maintain my current holding pattern until I receive your signal that it's OK for me to call my cats "homos."  Until then, I remain, as always,

Respectfully yours,

D.H.

Hayashi the Mammoth Pussy (pt 3) - Reverse Engineering a Non-Pussy Named Tomonobu Itagaki

Well, in the boneyard that is news for the sequel to the greatest action game of all time - and why would there be things like news, or a playable demo?  The game only drops in the US in two weeks - we finally get a bit of a news morsel regarding Ninja Gaiden 3.  Wanna hear it?  In summary:

Easier difficulty.  Yawn.  Kind of expected this from Hayashi, the idiot who's proven that he has no idea how to construct a genuinely difficult set of circumstances in a game.  Pussy.

No de-limbing.  Well, that's pretty stupid.  For those who don't know, the first NG game introduced decapitations (herein referred to as "decaps," because thanks to NG games, I use the term "decapitation" so often that I find an abbreviated version saves time).  Then, in addition to the decaps, NG2 added the ability to lop off opponent limbs, aka "delimbing."  I have yet to meet (or even hear a distant rumor of) a single soul who didn't love this new element to the game; once the enemy loses a limb, his AI would change: knowing he was crippled, he would attempt to Kamikaze your character by creeping up on you, grabbing you, and either stabbing you repeatedly or blowing you to smithereens in these incredibly high-damage attacks.  It was a beautiful example of risk:reward in action; you can delimb an aggressive enemy, which a) completely slows him down and b) gives you the ability to kill him instantly with a one-button Obliteration Technique...but if you screw up, he's gonna fuck you up.  I miss you, Tomonobu Itagaki.  How will Team Ninja replace this element with something that doesn't feel like a step backwards?  My guess?  THEY WON'T.  Read on...

Up until this point, I'm willing to let it go.  But I learned of one more thing today (btw, if it matters, this all comes from some Xbox magazine...they reviewed the game and scored it 8/10), and that is this:

No weapon upgrades.....because there's only one fuckin weapon in the game.


Holy shit, right?  What a step backwards.  Weren't there like six weapons in the first NG game (depending on which version you were playing), and like eight in NG2??  I can't even remember the last time I played a game where you were limited to one melee weapon.  Don't get me wrong...the Dragon Sword is my favorite weapon.  But the simple fact of the matter is: wouldn't you rather have the choice?

Hayashi, I have a grave concern that you might be a massive fuck-up about to derail the greatest video game train ever created, and I'm kicking myself under the table right now for even being willing to give your shitty game a chance.  This is an actual e-mail exchange from less than 24 hours ago:

-----Original Message----- 
From: Droid Hayabusa 
Sent: Wed 3/6/2012 4:40 PM 
To: 
Subject: RE: Pumpage Ignite! 
I hear ya. Try not to think about Itagaki, or the fact that he took all his favorite (which probably translates to "the good") people from Team Ninja with him. Dude no matter what, I will be there, 10:00am on the opening day, cash in hand, begging them to make me $60 poorer.
_____________________________________________ 
From: 
Sent: Tuesday, March 06, 2012 4:08 PM 
To: Droid Hayabusa 
Subject: Pumpage Ignite! 
 I just got a flash of excitement at the thought of playing a brand new Ninja Gaiden game. I will forget all of my reservations, and focus on the fact that I will be controlling Ryu once again, slicing fools with the dragon sword. Considering there are hardly any action games like it, I'm gonna try real hard to enjoy and appreciate it, even if Lord P***y is in the director's chair. LOL

See that?  I ignore a chance to rail Hayashi and end up learning that he's raped the series even harder than I imagined capable.  I hate that guy.

Instead of dwelling on how much Hayashi sucks, however, I have arranged a small tribute to the man who made Ninja Gaiden what it was and all that it could be: Tomonobu Itagaki.  Why do I love thee so, Itagaki-san?  Let me count the ways:

How'd This Dude Get to be So Fuckin Slick?

1. Sword in Office - That's right, in a world where I can't even keep a pocketknife on me at work, this guy has a sword in his office that his Dad gave him.  He was known for pulling it out (the sword) and showing it to visitors.  Most people would be like "Hm...maybe I won't bring my sword to work...don't want to intimidate people or give the wrong impression."  Not this guy.

2. Constant Use of Sunglasses - From what I have read, this guy is a bit of a gambling junkie.  He learned the sunglasses were a good way to conceal potential tells while gambling and decided to apply the concept to real-life.

People don't truly grasp the number of levels on which this is badass; yes, it's cool to wear sunglasses at any given time, and yes, it's cool to apply gambling concepts to your work and social life, but...few people grasp how bad ass a person has to be to be a successful gambler.  Few people understand the discipline involved, the levels of self-control a person has to attain in order to not lose his or her shirt, the skill and strategy that goes into it.  I certainly would get killed at it (or maybe I just want you sorry fuckin suckers to think I would).  I would challenge anyone to try and sit through ten consecutive losses while completely keeping your cool and not once over-raising or over-betting out of revenge.  Statistically speaking, 90% of you would fuck it up.

3. Sexual Harassment Allegations - These have all, from what I understand, been denied, but let's face it - anyone who's actually good at sexual harassment has learned a long time ago that DENY, DENY, DENY is your Day One lesson.  In other words...he did it.  Come on.  In the words of Arnold Schwarzenegger (this was when he was responding to harassment allegations while running for governor, long before he got busted for banging his N.A. sponsor...or whatever that lady was) - "Where there's smoke...there's fire."

I don't have a problem with harassment.  Sometimes patting a female's bottom lets her know that you think of her as a complete equal.

4. Smoking Cigarettes - You know what's been flipped around completely backwards in society?  Tattoos and cigarettes.  It used to be that if you had a tattoo, you were bad ass; almost as if a person had to fight five guys just to get into the tattoo artist's chair.  Meanwhile, everyone smoked, even complete pussies like Don Draper's wife.

Now?  I see people in full sleeve tattoos driving Priuses (Priii?) and asking the Maitre' D if there's a vegan menu, for God's sake.  Meanwhile, the nearly-extinct smokers only get little tattoos in their free time...which isn't much, considering how many hours you have to work to sustain a smoking habit.

This seems backwards to me.  I don't know.  Anyways...yeah, it makes perfect sense to me that Itagaki smokes.  Why?  Because pussies don't smoke anymore.

5. "Wahhh, Itagaki Was Mean to Me!" - Yeah, probably the most frequent complaint against the guy was, and I'm paraphrasing here, that he's a complete dick.  But so what?  You know who gets the most shit done at the end of the day?  Complete dicks.  You know who delivers the goods, day in & day out?  A total asshole.  You show me someone who's liked by all his coworkers and I'll show you someone who never gets anything done and instead spends the day chatting & bullshitting.  Hey, you know who's not a complete dick?

...this recent lunch-money-robbery victim.

We're fucked.  I hope Ryu kills himself at the end of the game so at least his legacy won't be further violated by this pussy.

FUCK.

The THIRD Greatest Band of All Time

"He who makes a beast out of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man," - Dr. Samuel Johnson

This is a band that I only got into during the last few years, and this factoid makes me feel like I've lived my life in a half-assed, completely non-epic way.  Like this whole time I've been doing carpe diem all wrong, like I'm holding it by the wrong end or something.  This is the same way I felt when I got my first Android device (2011, way behind the times), the same way I felt when I had to wait until I was twelve before my parents would let me smoke.

You ever get an album that's so good that you immediately start having all these insane thoughts?  You start wondering what the artist(s) look like, what it would be like to hang out with them, shit like that?  You start speculating "Hmm...long hair, short hair??" ...but you're so afraid that their image is going to suck that you don't check, and instead you spend years worrying over whether they look cool or like douche bags, all because if you checked, and they looked like pussies, you'd have to quit listening to them.

Eventually you realize that you want all their albums so badly that you've actually attained a level of desire capable of counteracting what you imagine a suicidal urge would feel like.  Then you decide to not get all their albums, so that in the event somewhere down the road you have an urge to kill yourself, you can talk yourself down from the ledge by agreeing to finally let yourself check out another one of this amazing artist's records.

You do know what I'm talking about?  Oh, great.  Allow me to introduce, then, Avenged Sevenfold.  The third-greatest band of all time.

This band employs many different sounds; at times you'll swear you're hearing a modern country artist, then you'll have blinding-speed metal, or you'll hear something that makes you think of Faith No More's The Real Thing (it's been how long since you thought of that album??  Shame on you!).  It's all in the eye of the beholder, but what you cannot dispute is a) their musicianship, b) their production, and c) the lengths to which this band goes to keep their music engaging by employing advanced structuring techniques at the very least takes a big greasy shit on almost every other band in the genre.

And their singer sounds like he has a fist for a voice.  I don't know how else to explain it.

With that...on to the scorecards:

1. Energy 10/10
I bet even a complete pussy would agree with me - there is no band alive that can jack a person up like Avenged.  I'm not even going to get into the semantics of my typical criteria as defined earlier about half their catalog being energetic in some way as that would be a retarded waste of time.  Do these guys want to get you pumped as fuck?  No.  These guys want to put your head in a football tee, and they want to punt that shit to the dark side of Mars.

You know sometimes, you have those rare moments where the energy equilibrium inside you tips for some ever reason, and your body begins to feel like your molecules are vibrating harder than normal, and that if you get any more excited, those molecules might just lose touch with one another and you'd fly apart into dust?  It's as though your personal energy content begins to exceed the energy you're burning; you feel it square in the gut.  That's what this band will do to you; it's the Theory of You Being Jacked on a Molecular Level.  Here's a way for me to illustrate this phenomenon in a way that can be observed with the naked human eye:

Get a fast car.  You want at least three hundred horsies and a speedometer that goes to 180.  Now, get out on a rural road (ideally one with a 55mph speed limit so you'll know you won't be passing any gradeschools or anything), and come to a complete stop.  Now, put in their City of Evil album, and turn the volume up to where it starts to hurt your ears.  Now, flip to track four - Bat Country - and hit play.  See what happens.  See where you end up.  See how quickly the warranty on your car is voided because your speed flew past 120 before you even realized you'd crossed ninety.  Just see.

Oh btw if you get caught leave me out of it, drive better next time.  Besides, I didn't say to drive like a retard, I just suggested you listen to a song in a car.  Dime store attorneys are pussies: don't be one.  Take it on the chin and be a man; you'll laugh about it one day unless you killed someone.

2. Quality of Material - 5/10
I'm going to have to give my boys a less-than-stellar score here, and it's for a couple reasons.  Here's the first - they've produced a couple tracks that I just find extremely questionable.  From City of Evil, "Seize the Day" and "Sidewinder" just kinda gross me out.  From Avenged Sevenfold, it's "Critical Acclaim," "Scream," and "Little Piece of Heaven" that shouldn't have made the cut (face it: "Little Piece of Heaven" is Web site material at best).  Pretty much all of Nightmare I'm OK with, at least not enough to mention here.

Now, I know what you're thinking - I myself admit that I'm not familiar with their entire catalog.  So how can I judge their catalog accurately?  Point taken.  I would say I understand enough about the content I am familiar with to make a judgment call.  And who knows how I'd perceive the other material?  Have you ever worked your way backwards though a heavy metal band's catalog?  Gets downright frightening near the end (beginning), back before they had enough bankroll to afford a production. So remember that: they could score lower as well as higher.  So don't push it, you giant babies.  I'll fuckin score them lower, I don't give a shit.

Now the big question - number one on Billboard?  I have no idea.  Definitely not for singles, but albums?  I'm sure that City of Evil and Avenged Sevenfold never hit the number one spot, but Nightmare?  I can confirm it debuted as a number one digital album, but I'm tired of thinking about whether or not that is truly representative of the same thing.  Regardless - no number one single.  So, sorry guys.  You failed.

3. Creativity in Content and Structure - 8/10
I've thought about this one, long and hard, and the simple truth of the matter is this: a band does not deserve to be up for consideration as the Greatest Band of All Time if this category - creativity in content and structure - is not near-perfect.

My top three list is no different.  Therefore, I will hereby score ALL top three bands 8/10 here, and simply use this space to document anything I find noteworthy in this category about any of the bands.

In the case of this band, it is obvious that they take pride in what they do, and they take pride in the whole affair.  Some bands are great live but their songwriting suffers, or their studio presence is hollow.  Some bands are the opposite; they produce great studio music but live they stink on ice.  Some bands contain members that are genuinely in love with their instruments...but they treat the band as a vehicle for their skills to come through.  Other bands contain members who simply love being in a band, and they let their musicianship fall by the wayside.

In the case of Avenged, you are dealing with a group of musicians at the top of their game.  Each member has reached that "enlightened" phase in his craft, which is honestly kinda unique at such a young age and for it to apply to the entire band.  Even Hetfield had to knock his asshole companions around once in a while in order to get them to play the shit right, and those dirtbags were in their forties at the time.

OK, so the musicianship is top-notch...does it hold up live?  As soon as I can answer "Of course it does," you're ready to respond with: "Well, what about the studio product?  How's the production?" I say: it's top notch.  Not quite there on City of Evil - compared to the more recent records the drum sound is nowhere near as crisp and dynamic - but only from a production standpoint.  And the album is still perfectly presentable.

Now you're thinking - OK, I know these guys must have an Achilles' heel, and if it's not musicianship, live performances, or album quality...it's gotta be the material itself.  That's where they fall down, it has to be.  No one is perfect.

Fuckin wrong again, Lahey.  These guys go to lengths unheard of to develop material that is diverse, dynamic, intricately structured, and so far beyond the verse/chorus/verse/chorus format that you should be ashamed for even thinking it.  They deserve a Nobel Prize for their backup vocals alone, yet for a band that is a metal outfit at it's core??  Just fucking listen to it already or I'll keep typing.

4. Attitude - 9/10
To my knowledge only two bands in existence exceed Avenged Sevenfold in this category.  One of them is our honorable mention (the Crue).  The other is the #2 band.

But let's break it down: does the band have labels on their albums designed to warn the populace about their language?  YES.
Does the band make references to any or all of the following: sex, fighting, murder, drinking, drug use beyond mere recreational, or general assault?  YES (see "Scream," "Bat Country," "Sidewinder," etc).
Does the band routinely curse and direct it at a tangible person or thing?  YES (all you need to hear is "Critical Acclaim").

Sure, you could argue that many bands do the things I've listed above.  But not very many do it well.

5. Cohesive Image That Isn't Retarded - 6/10
I will be the first person to admit that based on visual appearance only, this band deserves a higher score.  When you factor in their stage names?  M. Shadows, Zacky Vengeance, the Rev, Synyster Gates, and Johnny Christ?  We'd have had a perfect ten on our hands.  But, there is one image-related point that I cannot let pass, and that is this: their name.

When I first heard of this band, I was under the impression that their name was "AVENGE Sevenfold," not "Avenged."  In a sense it's for the best that I misunderstood, as if I'd heard their name correctly, I wouldn't have given them a chance.  That single letter causes such a discrepancy in the meaning of the band name that it causes their score to plummet.

Why?  Simple ninja ethics mixed with a massive distaste for pussies and victims.  Not following me?  OK...let's reverse engineer the name.  The name is an obvious reference to an Old Testament Bible verse, Genesis 4:15 - "And the Lord said unto him, 'Therefore, whoever slayeth Cain, vengeance shall be taken on him sevenfold.'"

You got that?  It is a phrase intended to indicate an over-reaction, or exceedingly violent response.  Another way of looking at it: instead of an eye for an eye...we'll take seven eyes for an eye.

So far I have no trouble with any of that; in fact I would gladly endorse it.  Had the name been "AVENGE Sevenfold," the word "avenge" would have been taken as a call to arms, or a simple "take no shit"-type suggestion as explained above.  It's a course of action that any person on this earth can do - avenge someone (or something, I guess).  Had the band's name stopped at "Avenge Sevenfold," for all these reasons, we'd have had no trouble.

However.

"AVENGED" Sevenfold is dramatically different.  Any single person is capable of avenging, as I've mentioned above, but to be avenged?  Think about that for a moment.  What is the only group of people on earth who are capable of being avenged?

You got it: victims.  Whiny, pussy victims.  You must first be victimized in some way before you can be avenged.  With that in mind: this band has named itself a phrase that is synonymous with "victim."

Do they intend their name to be synonymous with "victim?"  I would take one look at them and guess NO.  So we'll let this matter rest as a lesson in semantics and the importance of paying attention to detail.  Fans note that I still gave them six out of ten in this category (anyone else would get negative points).

6. Singer Doesn't Sound Like a Pussy - 10/10
Part of me wants to just leave this blank - anyone who's ever heard the damn guy knows what I'm talking about.  However, I'm sure in Africa maybe there are some kids where they get shitty Internet reception and mobile reception is spotty at best (you've seen pics, right?  Africa is just fields.  You never even see a phone pole, much less a cell tower.  You can't tell me those people are up on what's cool.), so I'll move forward here based on the assumption that maybe there are people on earth who haven't yet heard the voice of M. Shadows.

This guy has the manliest voice of all time.  It's just a Fist of Sound pouring out of his mouth.  Vocalists have a very difficult and unique job; they have a given set of tools to work with, most of which cannot be improved upon in any significant way (as far as sound quality goes).  Guitarists can buy a new guitar, for example, but a vocalist is stuck with what he's got.  For most vocalists, this equates to limitations that must be accounted for.

The two particular singers' tools I'd like to talk about now are volume (aka "the Eleven Factor") and the singer's complete range, or register.  Similar to that perfect tone a guitarist can only get when your amp is being pushed to it's limits, a singer has a sort of "vocal overdrive" he can attain when he's belting it out as hard as he can.  However, most singers only push it up to the Eleven Factor like this within the "safe zones" of their vocal range.  Rarely - if ever - will you hear a singer attempt to apply this Eleven Factor to the upper limits of their register.

And so, Africans, with no further ado, I introduce you to...M. Shadows.  This guy doesn't give a shit about anything, including the upper limits of his register (which by the way, is a fucking solid range, too...Eddie Vedder will certainly never breathe the same air that M. Shadows does up there).  He pushes it to eleven and leaves it there.  Most dudes back down off it.  Not this dude.  Even guys with incredible ranges - Geoff Tate and Bruce Dickinson - back down off the ol' Eleven Factor when they get near the areas where this guy's still screaming his nut sack off.  It's the fucking raddest thing I've heard in a long, long time.

High-five, M. Shadows.  SPOILER ALERT: no one is going to outscore you in this category.  Ever.

7. Surviving Drug Overdoses and Alcohol Poisoning - 1/10
I really, really hate to do this, but rules are rules: on June 9, 2010, Avenged drummer The Rev was found dead Heath Ledger-style (i.e. by which I mean "from a mixture of prescription opiates and prescription benzos").  Another great artist eats shit and I'm stuck here with Avril fuckin Levigne who'll probably live to be a hundred.  Thanks a lot, Mr. Extremely Talented Inconsiderate Dick.

Typically here I would give a ZERO score.  However, the band made the choice to continue, which was the right thing to do.  I will allow a single point.

8. Not Changing Your Sound So Dramatically That It Negates Your Earlier Work - 10/10
This is usually a pretty easy one to score, as it's either yes or no - in this case, it's a little more complicated than that.  Most bands the answer is either yes or no; no, the sound hasn't changed, or yes, the sound changed and now it sucks.  This band creates it's own category - the band that changed it's sound for the better.  For those that don't know, they started out as a straight-up metal outfit.  Are they still a metal outfit?  Yes...and no.  Their foundation remains metal, but they've matured, they've diversified, and now they boast a sound completely theirs.  I would argue that their early sound was really not the "Avenged" sound, but rather an evolutionary step.  Ten out of ten, don't try to change my mind.

FINAL SCORE: 59/80

This wraps it up.  I would like to add one thing, and that is this: it is a beautiful thing to see a younger generation get on board with styles of music that were - let's face it - on their last legs when my generation came up.  These guys could very easily have recruited a turntableist or some half-non-white kid to spout D-grade hip-hop lyrics out at various intervals.  They could have put out music with the sole purpose of being featured in an American Pie montage.

Instead, they did something no one else under the age of 50 is doing anymore - rocking the house in a way that cannot be imitated.  Anyone can pick up a guitar and play a Sum 41 song, or a Green Day song.  I'd offer to challenge you to find someone who can pick up a guitar and rip their way through "Afterlife," but I'm getting tired of typing so I'm going to leave it alone.  Avenged Sevenfold are an incredible band, and unless you've been nodding your head in complete and total agreement this entire time, I don't care what you think about it.