Am I the Only One Getting Sick of This Mother Fucker?

Watch out for spoilers, you babies.

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Awesome, it's time for more bullshit with this bald guy.

Shit.  Here we go again.  For those of you who don't have any Internet (...?...), this idiot is Kratos of Sparda, aka the "Ghost of Sparda," aka "Living Proof that Sony Santa Monica Ate Shit When Stig Assmussin (sp?) Took Over."  Mercifully for us, the gaming audience, Kratos was lovingly slaughtered by a sword through the chest at the finale of God of War 3...so you can imagine my frustration when Sony began to run some idiotic web countdown campaign a few weeks back...one which clearly pointed to the existence of a fourth goddamn God of War game.  

It was one of Sony's web sites loaded with the following image which was supposed to get us pumped prior to "surprising" us all with the announcement of GOW4 on 4/19:

Sony, here's a tip to help maintain suspense when you attempt bullshit publicity crap like this in the future: name the image on your web servers something other than "GOW4_teaser.jpg."  You kinda let the kitty out of the bag a little early there, maybe?

Fuck.  So, yeah, I'm annoyed - I'm sick of Kratos and I'm done with God of War...and yet part 1 & 2 were sooo good that I'm sure I'll have to play this Ascension crap.  And I'm sure after the utter failure that was GOW3, this Ascension is going to suck every bit as bad.

So - not the most timely of topics - I thought I'd take a stroll down memory lane and remind myself why I hate GOW3 so much.  Who's with me??  Alright, let's do it!

1. You climbed all the way up to Olympus only to be instantly blasted by a Zeus bolt to the face and fall off the world?  I thought you bald Vin Diesel guys were supposed to be tougher than that.

For those that don't care about story and presentation in their games, you're actually kinda lucky here.  If you'll recall, in one of the most memorable cliff-hanger endings in video game history, God of War 2 ended with Kratos rallying the Titans to storm Olympus.  The final cinema ended with Kratos riding on Gaea's back shouting up at Zeus.

Then after a multi-year waiting period - during which our imaginations stirred up all sorts of images and scenarios involving what will happen when Kratos reaches Olympus - GOW3 finally dropped.  Picking up exactly where GOW2 leaves off, Kratos is on the back of the Titan climbing up to Olympus.  Yet as soon as he gets there, Zeus blasts him like Tupac after Fight Night and down goes Kratos.  No one likes it when cliff hangers end like that.  I waited all those years to watch Kratos get hit with a little lightning bolt?  Hahahahaha that's retarded!  Just before rallying the Titans at the end of GOW2 he fought Zeus and took at least a few lightning bolts to the face...they weren't exactly fatal.

2. Really?  No skippable cutscenes?

Fuck.  This one was TEDIOUS.  Not so much the first time thru the game, but the second?  Yeah, it was a horrible idea.

In a nutshell, the Geniuses from College over at Sony Santa Monica decided that - in order to reduce the effect of excruciating load times, they would have the game load behind the scenes while the cinemas/cutscenes played out.  The only drawback?  You can't fucking skip the cutscenes.  Ever.

Either you've played the game and you're with me on this or you haven't.  Don't even bother trying to imagine it if that's the case; even your imagination will fail to illustrate how truly tedious it is to be forced to sit through the same cinemas over and over.  Sometimes loading screens aren't the worst things in the world.

3. Hades?  ...again?  You're fuckin kidding me, right?

No kidding, I about shat the bed when the first real, genuine area opens up in GOW3 and...it's fucking Hades.  For those that don't recall, Kratos goes to Hades in not just GOW, but GOW2 as well.  No one on God's green earth wanted to go to Hades a third time, you numbskulls.  FUCK!  Are you guys trying to see how quick you can turn off your audience?

4. Here's a Puzzle: Where Are All the Goddamned Puzzles?

SHIT, this one made me so mad I wanted to take a shit in my GOW3 case and mail it back to Stig personally.  See, Amydroid was every bit the GOW fan that I was prior to GOW3 dropping, because there were elements there for both of us: I had the combat to play with, and my wife was bananas for the puzzles.  They were awesome!  Pulling levers...pushing blocks and statues around...and the first two GOW games were loaded with them.  So much so that it wouldn't be much of a stretch to say the formula that led to the epic success of GOW and GOW2 was 50% action + 50% puzzles = happy gamers.

The piece of shit that was GOW3 had - that I recall - two puzzles: the Hades room puzzle and...I forget what they called the other place.  The MC Escher puzzle.  What a failure.  You and Hayashi should go get naked somewhere, Stig.

5. At Least We'll Get to Breathe in the Epic Scope of the War on Olympus...Right?

Fuckin wrong again, Lahey: as soon as your sorry ass climbs out of Hades - again - and you reach the gate leading to Olympus, you get to kill a handful of enemies and the gates open.  Here you kinda see one of the Titans and Helios going at it for a few seconds and then you pull Helios' head off and enter a retarded cavern for some reason.  Again - really?

This is obviously not the only glimpse of Olympus you get - there's also a queer little area where you have to chase Hermes - but aside from the dumb opener involving Gaea and Poseidon the Water-Horse-Crab Guy, it's about all you're going to get to see of this epic war that Kratos started.

6. The Labyrinth Was and Is a Complete Joke.

As an extra-special "fuck you" to God of War fans the world over, Stig arranged for one flaming middle finger that deserves special attention here: the labyrinth.  Set near the end of the game, by the time you arrive for the first time, you're at least a little apprehensive: for what feels like (and may very well actually be) the entire second half of the game, you've been warned by practically every NPC you come across: watch out fot the LABYRINTH.  You are doomed!  You will die in the labyrinth!!

Not so much, actually!  As it turns out, the labyrinth ended up being a big cube made up of small rooms, and I swear, I think you only actually go through like three or four of these small rooms.  Minor booby traps and easy enemies await you, so watch out!  I think I was through it in ten minutes looking over at Amydroid going: "HEY, THAT WASN'T THE FUCKIN LABYRINTH...WAS IT?? MAN I HATE THIS GODDAMN GAME!"

7. Sony Santa Monica Put Twice the Effort Into the Zeus Battle at the End of GOW2.

Seriously, I was really expecting something special when it came to fight Zeus at the end of GOW3; after the amazing battle between Kratos and Zeus at the end of part 2, how could they not?

Answer: easy.  You get a 2D Mortal Kombat clone when the time finally comes, and it ends up being nothing more than a bit of pattern memorization, dodging, and executing your attacks.  It's a snoozefest.

Zeus.  Big whoop.

8. The Game Felt Like Half a Game.

When all was said and done, I thought back about my time spent in Kratos' world: hunting Sirens by sound in the desert, the Temple of the Oracle, my first glimps of Ares raining fire down on Athens.  Retrieving Pandora's box from the temple on the back of Kronos.  Meeting Prometheus, or the barbarian king.  The steeds of time, the Sisters of Fate.

...and finally falling to Hades, climbing out, discovering this retarded chain that you have to climb up and down over and over, and performing a fatality on Zeus.  Doesn't seem right, does it?  Seems like we missed out on quite a bit of substance there.

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In the end, GOW3 fails on about every level, and it's difficult to put your finger on why.  You have some of the best graphics ever developed, tons of money and talent, and a ravenous fan base.  What could go wrong, right?

Hi!

Well, it's just more evidence that you really need a visionary in the director's chair when it comes to a production like this.  Actually, scratch that - you might just need someone with a cohesive vision, not necessarily a "visionary."  Stig the Asshole took over and clearly didn't know what the fuck he was doing.  After all, how does one go from GOW2 (PS2-quality graphics) to GOW3 (PS3 quality), yet have the scope of GOW3 completely dwarfed by it's last-gen predecessor?  The Sisters of Fate, the Steeds of Time...everything about part 2 was epic and staggering.  Part 3 was tight & cramped to the point of claustrophobic and there was simply nothing timeless, classic, or epic about it.

Ninja's Note: you know what would have been awesome?  Years ago, I was talking with someone about the God of War games and it occurred to me: Ares - the actual God of War, who Kratos whacked at the end of the first GOW game - had two sons that he always took into battle with him: Phobos (panic) and Deimos (dread).  Wouldn't it have been utterly amazing to have your GOW3 plot revolve around those two maniacs, rather than more of this Zeus bullshit?  Like Kratos has to take a break from revenge entirely because Ares' kids have come around to kick his ass up and down the block.  FUCK THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN AWESOME.

Even more recently I was talking about GOW4 with someone (probably the same person, let's face the fact that I don't talk to many humanoids), and I started thinking about how they could make part 4 engaging: don't make me play as Kratos.  Fuck, the dude is all played out!  We get it already!  Fuckin guy was manipulated into killing his own family, got pissed, went nuts, and then hell broke loose (basically).  This isn't a character we're going to be able to explore much further, guys.

So how about this - we all recall how GOW3 ended - Kratos impales himself on a sword and dies.  But then once the credits roll, we flash back and - gasp - his body is missing.

What iffff...what if there's a new character (ideally one that wields a whole new series of weapons, is limber, quick, and comes with a combat system with a little depth to it).  Someone who loathes Kratos.  Someone who hates Kratos with every fiber of his being.  Someone who has spent years channeling his energy away from hating Kratos and into a new endeavor (doesn't matter what it is).  

And we meet this character at a crossroads in his life - he learns that in order to achieve whatever goal it is he is working towards - he requires the help of Kratos.  There is no other way around it: without Kratos's assistance - and only Kratos - this goal will never be accomplished.

So the first game would lead him all over, gathering gear (much like Kratos's first adventure), following Kratos's trail, and at the end, he misses Kratos by a matter of minutes and Kratos is dead.  So, he does what any of us would do - he swipes the body.

The next game could be him tying to research and gather the gear to reanimate Kratos.

The final game could be him succeeding, working with Kratos to accomplish the goal, and then...we'd get to put Kratos back in the ground.  

If you say: "Droid Hayabusa, I do not have goosebumps on my arms right now after reading your story synopsis," then I say: "You are a goddamn liar."

Who's with me??

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FUCK YOU, KRATOS.

Let's Not Pull a Hayashi, eh, Tameem Antoniades?

It is with absolutely zero reservation or hesitation that I say with the utmost seriousness:

Tameem Antoniades, co-founder of Ninja Theory studios, if you drop the ball on the Devil May Cry franchise as Hayashi did with Gaiden, we are going to have some words, and you are going to walk away not liking me very much.  

I am, let's face it, a Devil May Cry (DMC) junkie.  Most people, if you ask them, prefer one over the other: Ninja Gaiden versus DMC.  Not so much with me.  I go through little spells where I think I prefer one over the other, but I always end up afraid of the commitment of actually choosing one over the other.  I love Ninja Gaiden 2, for example...but then, dammit, you've got DMC3, arguably every bit as good.  One thing you will never hear me say: that I have anything but love for both franchises.

So I have yet to align myself with all the whiny DMC fans out there complaining about how new Dante looks.  Are you joking?  So what? I admit old Dante looks cool, but...come on, is our enjoyment of the game contingent on how the guy looks?  No.  It's all about the combat. If the combat works from every angle - and I do mean every angle, from enemies to environments (all of which influence combat to a degree), the game will work...end of story.

Dante: old versus new.  Quick question: who gives a shit?

So why am I concerned?  Why even bother mentioning Hayashi's name in discussing the latest DMC game?  Why mention Hayashi and Tameem in the same sentence?  I have my reasons...wanna know what they are?

1. I'm hearing nothing but bullshit about an emphasis on story & presentation.
Ding ding ding!!  That sets off my Bullshit Alarm quicker than President Obama uttering words.  Why?  Because the Epic Failure Ninja Gaiden 3 began much the same way: with that damn fool Hayashi coming out talking about how story had been neglected in the past and how now he was going to fix that for us.

These are action titles, folks.  They do not require story.  You are not going to improve an action title by dumping half the budget into story and presentation.  You need tight combat with tight control.  You need environments, enemies, and weapons that compliment the controls.  You need scalable difficulty (for what that is, please check out Ninja Gaiden 2 on X360).

You can stick your freaking story in there if you must, but please...don't go overboard.  Just give me a sword.  (Rhyme.)

2. Much like Hayashi's bold new move with his failed title Ninja Gaiden 3, T.A. seeks to remove all the T&A from DMC.
See what I did there?  Tameem's initials?  Anybody?  Oh, anyways - yes, a bit before NG3 dropped, I posted a piece from an article wherein Team Ninja Head and Intergalactic Fuck Up Yosuke Hayashi announced that he was tired of Team Ninja female characters looking like pinup girls.  In fact, I'll repost it here:

"Similarly, Hayashi says Dead or Alive has traditionally been known for its Sports Illustrated-style presentation of women, “like a magazine for high school kids, with women portrayed in that sense. But that's not what we want.” He says the new game aims to “show something that's more high class,” saying he wants players to look at any given heroine and “be impressed with her as a woman, not just as a pin-up."

Ninja's Note: yes, he's talking about DOA, but it happened to NG3 as well.  Further, the original interview discussed both games interchangeably. 

Now I present an interview between some jerkoff and Tameem himself:

Question: "Have you binned all the character archetypes from earlier DMCs? Dare we say it, the massive tits?"

Tameem: "If it's true that the average console gamer is over 30 - which I totally believe - then you can't use those cheap tricks to titillate people into wanting to buy your game. I've nothing against big tits - I'd rather have my head resting on a pair right now - but if you're going to try and stimulate someone on different levels, there's better ways to do it. If you look at the stars in movies, the women people find really attractive are often not the ones with the biggest tits. You've got to be attractive on a different level.

We did that in Enslaved with Trip. People loved her, not because she had big breasts and high heels, but because she felt like someone who could be your girlfriend. That to me is more attractive than a prostitute walking around with a big gun. Not to demean prostitutes - it's a valid form of commerce."

A parallel worth worrying about?  Fuck yes, if you want my opinion.  At risk of repeating previous comments - it's not so much about the boobs as it is what they represent - indulgence.  Pure, dumb indulgence.  Video games are indulgence...no more, no less.

Based on the comments above, this guy strikes me as the kind of guy who pays the hooker and then gets upset when she gets up to leave.  Guy, I'm never going to be that attracted to a video game character.  Are you insane?  People liked some character named "Trip" because she "felt like" someone who could be my girlfriend??

Am I the only one taking note of how goddamn crazy that sounds??  People don't feel anything at your goddamn fictional video game characters!  THEY STARTED OUT AS WALKING BOOBS FOR A REASON: OTHERWISE, I WOULD PAY EVEN LESS ATTENTION TO THEM THEN I ALREADY DO.

3. This new town looks wayyy too much like Vigrid.
Vigrid, for those of you who require constant hand-holding, is the main town in which the game Bayonetta is set.  See for yourself:

Here's a nice shot of Bayonetta herself doing something to some retarded enemy...

...and here's a shot of New Dante doing something to a group of retarded enemies.

They kinda look like they could be down the street from one another, don't they?  And - here's the kicker - I never really liked Vigrid.  I liked many of Bayonetta's elements, but the environments were completely unengaging as far as I am concerned.  And I felt the town of Vigrid was the worst offender of them all.  Now, maybe one day I'll feel less sick of Vigrid as I do now...but guess what?  When that day comes, I'll play some Bayonetta.

Many people felt that Bayonetta set some new bar for action/combat titles.  I don't see it in the slightest; however, it's the truth.  So on some level it makes sense that the makers of DmC would look to emulate Bayonetta as much as possible.  Let's hope this one town is the beginning & the end of it.

4. Do there appear to be any technical or hardcore elements to this gameplay?
I'm going to risk sounding like I'm harping on Bayonetta here, but I'm really not: Bayonetta is a fantastic game with a lot going for it.  Had the provided a game with a little more overall length to it, better boss battles, better enemies in general, and better environments, I'd count it right alongside DMC and Gaiden.

The truth is - Bayonetta is too easy.  Enemies feel like paper dolls (do half of them even attack back?) and the bosses are completely unengaging.  The combat itself is silky smooth and very reminiscent of the mechanics behind DMC...but there's a huge difference.

In Bayo, you can string unlimited air combos together with ease.  There's no nuance or subtlety to it at all; once you know the moves themselves, you are a master and your air time is only limited by the fact that your enemies will eventually die.  In other words - it took a month and I was a Bayonetta master.  I can google "Bayonetta combo videos" and see the same shit that I was doing three weeks after the game dropped.

DMC is a completely different horse.  I've logged probably close to a thousand hours between DMC3 and DMC4, and guess what?  You give me google and ten seconds and I'll go find a video for you with shit I'll never be able to do in my wildest wettest fantasy.  All things considered, I would rank myself a "skilled" DMC player: I'm good at Royal Guard but not great.  I nail down the jump cancel and make my uber-impressive weapon-switching, style-switching air combo happen...about half the time.  I'm still learning, and I'm still developing.  I'm nowhere near a master.  That's seven years on DMC3 and four years on DMC4, btw.

So, while the early footage of the new DmC certainly shows some variety...are there any of those technical elements, ie the jump cancel or royal guard reversal, that'll create even a minor learning curve for the technical, hardcore players?  Because I haven't seen or heard a thing that leads me to believe DmC will be anything other than Bayonetta 2 as far as technical depth is concerned.

5. Much like unmasked Ryu came to bear an oh-so-slight resemblance to Hayashi, new Dante kinda looks like Tameem's hip nephew.  Or: Tameem himself.

Narcissism: it just works.

This is not me going back on what I said above: as a fan of Dante, I don't give a shit what they make him look like.  However, as a humanoid who has learned to be very wary of the person who thinks his or her whims are more important than tradition, history, or the wishes of the fans, I do have to voice a small concern here:

Tameem, you probably wouldn't be receiving death threats had you opted to make Dante look like someone other than YOU.  Seriously, people are (or at least they can be) kinda flexible.  You're going to get a bit of an outcry no matter what when you take the trademark white hair and turn it black; that's a no-brainer.  However, people would have gotten over it.  Instead, though, you made him over in your own image, and guess what?  Now people think the only reason you gave him a makeover to begin with is because you wanted an iconic, badass character walking around in the world out there looking just like you.

PS what's up with your shirt in that photo, Broseph Stalin?  A little off-the-shoulder number there, eh?  Well, I can't complain, I'm wearing...actually nevermind, I'm wearing pretty normal clothes right now.  Sorry, I was looking to give you an out but now I can't: you look like you should be singing about how your friends are in the bathroom/getting higher than the Empire State...
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TAMEEM: I implore you...don't fuck this up.

The Universal Logo for Our Failing Human Race

Yet again I have another little essay to post here and on some level I can hear that voice in my head saying Hey...hey buddy...this might not go the way you think it will.  Nevertheless - what do we know about people who let fear into their hearts?  People who let fear into their hearts finish last, so I best press on.

The written journey I am about to embark upon is a perfect example of one group of people making what I consider to be a sizable mistake...and then the rest of American society deciding that they actually want in on it and making an even bigger one.  This is the perfect illustration of the inherent psychological problems with the modern human condition.  That's the bad news -  the good news is that those of us who are capable of identifying and understanding the problem have taken the first step towards correction.  You're welcome.

So let's get this party started - what the Sam Hell is KA 4993?  Glad you asked - it's the California Highway Patrol's radio frequency.  Somewhere - it's believed to have originated in Los Angeles County, but who knows for sure or gives a shit - somewhere, a group of these badged cowboys decided that speeding and running red lights whilst on duty and in their cruiser wasn't enough - they wanted it to apply to their personal vehicles and while they were off-duty.  So they came up with this sweet little plan - have some license plate frames made up that - to they layman - would be meaningless.  But to another CHP officer?  Tell me, knowing what you know now - if you were a CHP officer, would you pull over an Escalade with KA 4993 on the license plate?  I sure as fuck wouldn't, I don't care how bad the guy's weaving.  Might be your boss in there, you dig?

NOW STOP RIGHT THERE.

Stop right there and observe what is going on inside your own brain right now.  If you are like most pigheaded self-absorbed Americans, you are thinking: "FUCK ME, THAT RULES...WHERE CAN I GET ME ONE OF THOSE THINGS??"  Shame on you and your whole useless family.  Would you like to know what should be going through your mind right now?  I'll be more than happy to tell you:

You should be thinking: "Every single one of those fucking assholes should be rounded up and fired from the Highway Patrol and blacklisted from working any kind of law enforcement or private security job that pays more than ten dollars an hour for the rest of their lives."

That is what you should be thinking.

Here's what may come as news to many of you: law enforcement officers in general already receive enough preferential treatment to gag a glutton.  Free lunches.  Unbelievable discounts on products and services.  Constant praise from complete strangers for doing their paid job.  And, most importantly - while on duty (and arguable while off duty as well), the laws that bind our modern society together do not apply in the same way to a law enforcement officer.

Now - do I care about said preferential treatment?  Not at all.  Perks evolve in any profession.  So while you have hordes of law enforcement officers out there who haven't paid for a lunch since the year started with a "19," you also have doctors out there who can write themselves prescriptions for whatever they fucking want.  Pro athletes get the best medicine, therapy, and training...I, meanwhile am constantly get pelted with chicks' panties.  This is not the basis for any sort of complaint.

The basis of the complaint is this: what we have in Los Angeles County - or wherever this diarrhea storm started - is a group of guys who wanted more than their fair share of preferential treatment.  They wanted to be able to swerve home from the bars after their shift ended without fear of being pulled over.  They didn't want to have to worry about explaining away the hooker in their passenger seat when they get popped rolling a stop sign at 3am.  They didn't want the bag of mostly-nutrasweet that they paid eighty dollars for to end up confiscated and snorted by a coworker.

Enter the KA 4993 license plate frame - unobtrusive to a layman, yet it screams DO NOT TOUCH to another CHP officer.

Here's the fun part - did they leave it at that?  Hell no.  Much like AIDS, it spread rampant all throughout California in less than a decade.  Every cop and his brother began sporting one.  Even better - soon all their oinking families sporting them too.  So  the device intended to identify the driver of a vehicle as a CHP officer evolved into a means to identify the driver of a vehicle as someone who is associated in some way with the CHP.  In other words - you wanted to share some of that preferential treatment with your family.

That, at least, is the least dishonorable thing about this whole shit-igloo.  It's also, however, the least intelligent: guess who, as a general rule, is pretty good at keeping secrets?  Cops.  Now, as a general rule, guess who's not?  MOST OTHER PEOPLE.  So, as our saga continued into the 1990s, suddenly the true meaning of KA 4993 became common knowledge.

AGAIN - STOP RIGHT THERE.

Goddammit, people.  This is where our story should END.  This - the "making public" of the true meaning of the KA 4993 license plate frame (and the mass firing of every officer who participated, if you ask me) - should make up the end of our little tale.  Nope.  Leave it to the ever-watchful and opportunistic-to-the-point-of-self-destructive American!  This is the part of our story where our Idiot Society Full of Geniuses from College all decide to "get in on it," even though it has nothing to do with them.

Crafty Joe Publics out there began buying license plate frames and having them engraved with "KA 4993" in an attempt to trick law enforcement officers into not pulling them over.  The entrepreneurial ones amongst us began manufacturing and selling customized "KA 4993" license frames to any ol' Joe Public out there with the money.  Hippies in Volkswagens - and I'm not talking the VW Bug, either, I'm talking about the Hippie Bus that could hold forty of those fuckers - hippies in VWs began sporting them.  At one point, I had - I am not joking about this in the slightest - I had a neighbor who sold massive amounts of weed.  Like you could smell his house from the corner.  Anyways, this white little slim shady-looking dude used to drive around in a hoopty - custom rims, the works - with a no-shit Hefty bag packed full of weed on the passenger seat next to him.  Even he had a KA 4993 frame wrapped snug around his license plate.

Are you picking any of what I am putting down here?  One of the greatest lessons a person can take away from this post is this: whenever a new concept is born into our society - and it can be anything, from pet rocks to skinny jeans - whenever a new concept is born, by the time it becomes universally accepted by the American public, your best bet is to PASS on it.  Because guess what?  If the American public has universally accepted it - chances are, it's completely fucked.

So where do we stand today?  I don't even know.  I imagine only the most hardcore CHP officers even give a shit about the frames anymore.  When I'm on the road and I spot one of these things, unless I see some dude with a high & tight and a moustache with mirrored aviators behind the wheel, I'm apt to think to myself: "You're announcing to the world that you're a complete fraud and you're an idiot to boot."  Maybe I'll give them the ol' one-two combo of cutting them off followed by a quick brake check.  When they start yelling I'll flip them off and tell them to sic their cop buddies on me.  Then I laugh like a madman and throw my drink at them.  Seriously, I like to think that this whole Carnival of Shame is over; occasionally you'll spot someone on the Internet asking about what KA 4993 means, and judging from the flood of responses he or she receives, I'm inclined to believe that even California's ESL population knows about it.  Having a KA 4993 frame today is about as valuable as a bumper sticker that reads "Odds are, I'm lying right now."

I'm going to leave you with some wisdom here.  This is a lesson that my wife and I have both learned after decades of combined experience as California drivers.  Ready?  Here it is:

If you don't want a law enforcement officer fucking with you, don't break the law.  If you do break the law, take it on the chin when you get popped.

THE Greatest Band of All Time

"We shall go on to the end.  We shall fight in France.  We shall fight on the seas and oceans.  We shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air.  We shall defend our island...whatever the cost may be.  We shall fight on beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds.  We shall fight in the fields and in the streets.  We shall fight in the hills.
We shall never surrender."

Fuckin hell, I know, right?  What the hell has taken me so long?  What the hell have I been doing with my life?  (Answer: top-secret awesome shit, like watching Cheers reruns.)  Seems it was so long ago that we began down this long, nostalgia-filled path with the Motleys, and today - that's right, today - we've finally arrived.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you: The Greatest Band of All Time - IRON MAIDEN.

Right out the gate - and if you were to ask me what I meant by "gate," my best reply I guess would be "uhh...the year of our Lord 1975," which, btw, is back when Droid H. was just a gleam in Father Droid's eye - right out the gate, these guys came hard and fast.

Times were changing; Maiden was right on the early cusp of a movement which came to be known as "New Wave of British Heavy Metal." Simply put?  This was a reaction to crappy music.  This is part of a cycle that repeats itself in an endless loop:

1. A good, legitimate artist - with a sound all their own, which can only be described as "new" - breaks through and launches themselves into stardom.
2. Everyone - from record company execs to other struggling musicians - decides they want a piece of it.
3. Artists adjust their sounds to resemble this supergroup.  Execs reward this bullshit with record contracts and massive amounts of promotion for these knock-off acts.
4. Suddenly there are 900 Motley Crues or 500 Pearl Jams to choose from, or a band named after every country and/or territory in existence (Asia!  Europe!  Kansas [really, guys?  Kansas??]!  Boston!).  The airwaves become thick and stale.  I consider suicide daily, every time the radio is on.
5. A good, legitimate artist - with a sound all their own, which can only be described as "new" - breaks through and launches themselves into stardom.
6. Rinse & repeat.

Does it matter what Maiden was a reaction to, then?  Not so much.  What matters is that they chose to react:

1. Energy 9/10 
FUCK YES they are energetic.  Are you insane??  It's Iron Maiden, retard!  Put down your stupid books and go listen to a metal album once in a while, idiot.

The first time Maiden truly gripped me by the Ninja Throat and threatened to snap my sissy little neck in half was their Live After Death album.  I remember it vividly; a fade into the sound of a riotous crowd, and suddenly a speech begins (I would learn later in life that it was a Winston Churchill speech, and that Mr. Churchill was not even part of the band, in fact I don't think he even knew how to play any of the Holy Four Instruments of Metal...far as I know, that speech was the only important thing he ever did).

Then?  Suddenly?  An explosion of melodic tension-building guitars, drums and bass in what you were pretty sure was only half-time and not necessarily reflective of the song's true tempo.  Sure enough - four or eight repeats in - BOOM, the metal train pauses ever so briefly before it screeches right off the rails and floors the accelerator towards oblivion: "Aces High" is underway.

This is a song - nay, an anthem - this is an anth [snick]

Let me slice that sentence in half midway with my Word Katana and adjust my way of thinking.  Anthem?  Screw that, this is a Masterpeice of Energy.  That's what we'll call it.  This is a Holy Masterpeice of Raw Energy that, at it's core, simply exists to get the listener pumped the fuck up.  No joke, try it.  How about this: try it at the gym while you're working out.  I guarantee you that you can boost your typical weight by ten percent as long as this song is playing.

Or, equally likely, you will injure yourself.  Probably want to ask for a spotter just in case you're on the verge of discovering that you're a weakling.

Now...you probably want to ask me about this energy, and my thoughts on why it's so energetic, huh?  Well, we'll just have to read on for that.  The reasons for it belong here, true, but they belong in the next category just a bit more.

2. Quality of Material - 8/10
The Iron Maiden catalog represents a virtually endless supply of top-shelf material (unlike our number two band).  I could get into exploring the studio albums, or the live albums, or any number of favorite songs I have of theirs...but instead I'd like to discuss what makes it quality material.

The writing - which we'll cover more in category 3 - is only part of the equation.  A much bigger part - and a much larger piece of the pie, if you want my opinion - is the quality of musicianship.

For once, we have a guitar-driven rock band where the guitars are actually the weak link in the musical chain.  Think about that for a minute.  These guitars are supported by one of the best rhythm sections in the world: Steve Harris and Nicko McBrain.

As a bassist, Harris wrote the book on the galloping technique for bass, but he's also capable of using the technique at blisteringly fast speeds.  Now just stop right there - I know what you're thinking.  You're thinking: "Well, so what, guy can sling a pick real fast.  Big whoop, so can CC Deville."  Fuckin wrong again, Lahey:

Do you see a pick there?  Nope, this psycho does it all with his fingers.  Gallop away into the night, Mr. Harris.  Might wanna make sure the safety is on before you go.

Nicko, meanwhile, routinely wows other drummers worldwide with his fundamental-based approach to drumming: he doesn't employ anything extraneous, he simply does what he needs to do with a minimum of gear.  Example: a second kick drum (or a second kick drum pedal on your single kick drum) has pretty become industry standard; some drummers wouldn't have a career without them (Lars Ulrich, Vinny Abbott).  Nicko?  He says FUCK YOU, I'm doing it with one pedal.  And indeed, he is so good with his single kick drum pedal that he's known as a drummer's drummer.  Drummers like Tommy Lee walk away from seeing Nicko shaking their heads and going "MAN, how does he do it?"  Well, I guess Tommy Lee is a bad example...he probably walks away thinking "MAN, I gotta go punch Pam in the stomach..."  Just speculating.

I would suggest that - in addition to the writing - the fact that your rhythm section is constantly playing right on the cusp of human capacity for speed and accuracy lends a little something to your music that you won't find elsewhere.  It's like what you get when you crank your guitar amp from 9 to 10; you expect an increase in volume, and indeed you get that, but you also get something else.  When you push something to it's limit, you often create a situation where there's a synergy that cannot be imitated.

3. Creativity in Content and Structure - 8/10
Maiden's score in this category is due to one man and one man alone:

That's right - this madman pretending to mow down the crowd with an imaginary machine gun is actually one of the most accomplished and most prolific rock musicians in the world.  Steve goddamn Harris, bitches.

You can point out examples of Maiden songs where they've followed a more traditional structure, sure, but...isn't that to be expected a little when you're dealing with a band with a catalog that consists of hundreds of songs?  Further, for every "Evil That Men Do," there's a "Rime of the Ancient Mariner."  For every "From Here to Eternity," there's an "Afraid to Shoot Strangers" just waiting around the corner.

Ninja's Note: I just realized something: I smell bourbon.  This is only noteworthy because I'm in my office which I have owned and occupied since the place was built, and as far as I know - no one has ever drank bourbon in here.  How weird is that?  Can a brand new home be haunted?  That's some shit right there.  Remind me to not mention any of this to my wife.  I don't want her freaked out too.

Anyways.  What were we talking about?  Oh, right, OK, so - sure, sometimes another member of Maiden will show up at the table with a song they wrote, and much like a mom pinning her dumb kid's straight C report card up on the fridge, Harris will allow them to present it, and will even allow the occasional non-Harris track to appear on an album.

But so what.  He only does it because he knows you have to have the occasional crap song in the mix.  Makes the others stand out even further.

I always imagined an Iron Maiden band meeting to discuss songwriting to go a bit like an episode of Fawlty Towers, where Steve Harris is Fawlty and his bandmates are constantly appealing to him for mercy.  You know what I mean?  Like the other members corner him individually and warn him that lead vocalist Bruce Dickinson has a new song he wants to present to Harris, and that the band has voted to allow Dickinson's song to be featured on an upcoming album in place of one of Harris's.

So Dickinson presents his song and is met with a maelstrom of passive-aggressive sarcasm:

HARRIS: "No, Bruce, no, I love it!  A more traditional approach would have been to piece a song together out of parts that compliment one another, but your way is good too. Outstanding."


DICKINSON: "Do you really think it's good, Steve?"


HARRIS: [insane laugh] "Ha ha, do I think it's good??" [hangs head and starts sobbing]


[The Major walks in.]


MAJOR: "Harris, what was that god-awful crashing sound?  Have we been car-bombed?"


HARRIS: "No, Major, I'm afraid not.  No, that was the sound of Bruce here's new track, followed by the sound of my career plummeting to it's death."

Ninja's Note: nevermind.  I dumped out a glass from last night that I thought was just soda but it was bourbon and I got it all over my hands.  Mystery solved.  I ain't scared of no ghost.

4. Attitude - 7/10
It's very difficult to convey the attitude I'm after in this category when you're singing about crystal balls, the slaying of the seventh lamb, and WWII dogfights.  Doesn't really mesh.  They've attempted - with mixed results - to lash out periodically over the years, but the end result is always something like "Holy Smoke," where you're left going: "Hmm...this is alright, I guess...does it really qualify as Maiden, though?"

Seriously, how upset can one get at a televangelist?  Unless you lost a large chunk of change to one...and even then, I would argue a) it's more your fault than his, and b) if not him, you woulda lost it some other way.  Anyways.

The point is - the band fumbles only slightly when it comes to attitude, because here's the thing: they don't come out and say FUCK YOU.  They let the music itself say FUCK YOU simply by existing.  That's what Maiden's entire career has been - they began as a reaction to crappy music, where they were in essence saying FUCK YOU to all the crappy music around them.  They maintained their Maidenness when the world around them was crumbling thanks to Eddie Vedder and his Army of Dirtbags, and in doing so, guess what?  They were saying FUCK YOU.

Therefore, I dock them only slightly in this category.

5. Cohesive Image That Isn't Retarded - 10/10
Nope, sorry.  I can't dock them for the fact that they're all at least in their fifties and doing the long hair/tight pants thing.  I can't.  Wouldn't be right.  I can't sit here and praise them for sticking to their guns for closing in on forty years and at the same time dock them for doing what they've done since day one image-wise.

As a matter of fact, you know what else you're probably expecting that I'm not going to do?  I'm not going to dock any points over Dave Murray always looking wayyy too happy:

I swear this dude sleeps with that dopey grin on his face.  But hell, maybe he's drunk.  Maybe he had a stroke.  You don't know, and I don't know, so let's leave it be.  Shit, guys.  You guys are dicks.

6. Singer Doesn't Sound Like a Pussy - 9/10
I have to be careful here, because I think in some areas you actually need a signed permit if you plan on uttering the word "pussy" in the same sentence as:

Bruce.  Fuckin.  Dickinson.

...Bruce Dickinson.  This guy takes the word MAN to a whole new level.  As a matter of fact, until my relatively recent introduction to M. Shadows (please refer to the Third Best Band in the World), Dickinson was it for me.  The guy could do no wrong: FULL vocal range which encompasses most guys' falsetto territories?  CHECK.  Ability to perform his studio shit live?  CHECK.  Balls equivalent to a nineteen-year-old Mike Tyson?  Check.

If you've taken my advice and checked out "Aces High" - and please bear in mind that if you haven't I'm not 100% sure that you even belong here - you know what I mean.  You've had a Dose of Dickinson and now you're begging for more.  But what else does this dude have to offer?

How about this - one time, whilst back in school, he engaged in some Pee Antics.  I'm not talking about your typical peeing-on-a-doorknob crap, or peeing off a roof, or writing your name on the back of your girlfriend's head in pee while she sleeps (which every guy does, I don't care if he admits it or not)...nope, he peed right into his headmaster's dinner.

Or what about fencing?  Here's a guy who wakes up one day and goes: "You know what?  Life is OK...it'd be better if I was really good with a SWORD, though."  And - unlike most of us, who would just force the thought out of our heads - he ran with it.  The idea, I mean...he ran with the idea.  He never ran with a sword that I'm aware of.  Instead he practiced, studied, and worked his way up to certified trainer.  Then expert.  Now he's known as one of the best in Britain.

Or this - singing "Aces High" wasn't enough for this dude.  He had to walk the walk, too, so he went out and got a pilot's license.  Fast-forward to today, he's flying his whole band around when they tour.  Are you fucking kidding me?  Name one other singer who goes to lengths like that.  Sammy Hagar?  I instantly imagine the plane full o' Halen plummeting to its fiery demise.  Anthony Keidis?  Actually, I withdraw the question, I wouldn't let that fruit loop pull me to the corner in a red wagon.  FUCK THE CHILI PEPPERS.

I'll leave you with this factoid, which actually I just pulled from Wikipedia: he - Bruce Dickinson, heavy metal singer - was just given an honorary music doctorate from Queen Mary college.  Shit!

7. Surviving Drug Overdoses and Alcohol Poisoning - 10/10
This one is one of those mysteries-that's-not-really-a-mystery-type deals.  See, Maiden consists of Brits.  Brits are introduced to alcohol at a much younger age than us Americans.  There's less taboo, less pressure, and your relationship with alcohol is going to be much more comfortable and all the better for it in that type of environment.

These guys can drink like...well, they drink like champions.  Let's leave it at that.  They drink like champs, yet have you ever heard a news blurb wherein a member of Iron Maiden killed a pedestrian in a drunken driving nightmare?  Nope.

In a way, it's not even fair to score them in this category the same way I scored the other acts.  Rules are rules, however, and I do think it's important to reward someone for one of the most badass accomplishments a person can achieve - getting hammered-flat drunk on a regular basis yet functioning well enough to where your neighbors/coworkers/significant others don't make your life miserable for it.

8. Not Changing Your Sound So Dramatically That It Negates Your Earlier Work - 10/10
Easypeasy, mate.  Aside from a failed experiment called the Blaze Bayley era (which we're not going to talk about...not now...not ever), these guys have never even thought about changing their sound in any significant way.  They're going to use the same chord progressions, same galloping basslines, and same minor 3rd guitar harmonies until Hell freezes over, and that's fine with me.

Every other band right now that's from Maiden's era and currently touring is experiencing a resurgence in popularity.  In every other instance, however, a big part of that popularity is due to the fact that it's some sort of a "reunion tour" you get to go see.  With Maiden?

Fuck that shit, these guys never stopped.  And guess what - they're more popular than ever.  Back when Eddie Vedder led the Dirtbag Brigade and stormed the gates of Castle Metal, every single other band that was popular imploded (with the exception of maybe Metallica, although I would argue that it's very possible for a band to implode and not be aware of it.  Morons).  Not these guys.  They stuck it out where all the other lesser bands couldn't hang.  They dealt with shitty album sales, shitty ticket sales, and all the insecurity and second-guessing that went with it.  Want to know what they did about it?

They kept doing what they loved to do.  That should be a lesson to all of us.  That's the first sign of a pussy - lack of conviction in one's self.  If you can't get a grip on yourself and walk your insecurity right out the front door and punch it in the Adam's apple so hard you immediately become six inches taller?  Then I'm not sure I want to even know you.

Anyhow.  So now, yet again, the Maiden Flag flies high above Castle Metal and all is right in the world.   

FINAL SCORE: 71/80

Two words: FUCK and YES!  Fun Fact: Iron Maiden is on tour right now, only they're doing something I've never heard of before: they're basing their current 2012 tour off a popular tour they did back in the 1980s.  Old songs, old sets...right on, Maiden.  One day, we will get drunk together.

UP THE IRONS!
___

Well, it's been fun, but also it's been a lot more work than I'd anticipated.  It can be a tricky thing to try and pin down what makes something great; quite honestly this took an insane amount of thought (much more than I expected).  It's easy to point out why something is not good - "Because he's Chris Martin," for example.  But pointing out why something genuinely clicks with you can require quite a bit of analysis.

Luckily, I'll never have to do this again: the top three bands in the world have been identified (you're welcome), and all is good.  Unfortunately, this whole process has revealed to me a gaping hole in American society - everyone thinks they know who the best bands around are.  How often, however, do you hear (read) someone trying to nail down the worst bands in the world?

And that got me thinking.  - D.H.
___
COMING SOON: THE WORST BAND IN THE WORLD

The New Universal Symbol for Complete Pussy:

First off, settle down.  I am obviously excluding people with legitimate disabilities here. You have a legitimate need to have your vehicle parked close to a ramp or door and I would never in a million years begrudge you that or call you a pussy for taking advantage of it.

However. Yet again, the selfish American asshole public has taken something that was at inception intended to help a group of people with an identified need and instead turned it into something we should all be ashamed of. Here's a simple question you can ask yourself that will illustrate my point:

When was the last time you actually saw a truly disabled person use a disabled parking stall? I bet it's been a long fuckin time.

Now...why give a shit? I mean who cares, right? Here's why: because the front of the store - the one place ALL pedestrian traffic is guaranteed to go - has become a chaotic fuck-fest thanks to the constant free-for-all that occurs from all the misguided slobs who believe that when it comes to parking...closer is better.

Let's stop right there and examine the what, why, and how, because in my estimation, this phenomenon is the root cause of our rampant disabled person (herein referred to as "DP") placard abuse. Are people - and I'm speaking in as broad and general strokes as is possible when discussing humanoids worldwide - are people that fucking lazy that accepting additional liability and additional risk to property is worth not having to walk an extra twenty feet?

NO.  In most cases, they are not that lazy.  In fact, when you factor in additional stress and the alertness required to navigate through a sea of moving vehicles and insane pedestrians, I argue that it actually takes more work to get your vehicle to a close parking stall than it does to park on the edge of the chaos and walk through it.

Hear me out here: what motivates people in this scenario is not avoidance of walking (an activity that millions of people engage in recreationally every day). What motivates people here is the feeling of getting something that's better than what the people around you have...or, the flip side to that same coin (which is worse, if you ask me): not wanting someone else to get something better than what you have.

Really, truly think on that for a moment, and I believe you will realize that I am more right than wrong here.  If you simply cannot, I offer an example: let's say you've just pulled into a parking lot from a busy street.  All the stores are on the opposite side of the parking lot.  You turn down a row of parking stalls and are now pointed in the direction of the store.

All the parking stalls you pass at first are completely empty; since it's a large parking lot, we're talking like a hundred feet of empty stalls.  Now you reach an area where the occasional vehicle is parked.  Up ahead, say fifty feet, where the row of stall ends in a driveway that runs directly across the front of the stores, you note a mass of parked vehicles.

You also note a decent amount of activity: pedestrians walking in random patterns and areas, cars backing, people loading their vehicles, etc.  And just at the front - like twenty feet from the store - you notice an empty parking spot.  

So here's the basis of our scenario: do you stop and park in one of the stalls to your left or right, where there is only the occasional vehicle and virtually no pedestrian traffic at the moment?  This would result in, say, an eighty foot walk to the storefront.

Statistically speaking?  You would not.  If you are like most people, you are going to assume additional risk (liability, property damage, etc.) in an effort to nail down that coveted front stall.  The stall that will cut your walk down from eighty feet to, say, twenty feet.

But why?  Why assume the risk?

Here's why: because if you don't take that spot...someone else will.  Some other fuckin loser slob will get your precious spot, and then they will have a better parking spot than you, and that simply cannot happen.  Am I right?  You know I am, people of America: that is what goes through your mostly-empty head in that scenario.  Well, maybe I'm giving you too much credit - maybe nothing goes through your head and you just barrel forward into the fray without realizing what's motivating you.  Well, now you know.  You're welcome.  Stop and analyze yourselves once in a while, you lazy undisciplined pieces of shit.

And, just so it's been said, anyone willing to assume additional risk (such as in the above scenario) out of fear that someone else will one-up you or get something better than you have?  You are a complete pussy, and a moron to boot.  You are destined for unhappiness, and I am happy for it.

So Hayabusa - what does this have to do with DP placards and plates?  Everything.  DP placard fraud is the final step in this d-evolution of humanity:

As of May of last year, which I believe was 2011, one in ten motorists in California are now legally registered to carry the placards.  That's right - one in ten.  What does that mean?  How does that translate to our reality as Californians?

"At any given moment, on any given street, more than a third of the vehicles displaying the tags -- and parking without paying -- are doing so illegally, say officials with the California Department of Motor Vehicles."

More than a third use the placards illegally to get out of paying for parking?  Wow, you people are priceless.  No reason to believe that estimate doesn't extend to use of parking stalls in parking lots...except for the fact that I think their estimate is far too conservative for typical parking lot parking, given the fact that I can't even recall the last time I saw a genuinely disabled person use a disabled stall.

State of California: I would humbly suggest that you could eliminate over two-thirds of your DP placards and plates and still have plenty left over for all the legitimately disabled people.

However, it's not all bad - there's a flip side to this coin.  I know people who could have legitimately qualified for a placard and they opted not to get one.  Maybe they realized their condition was only temporary, maybe they didn't want to take a parking stall from someone in a condition worse than their own.    Who knows?  All I can say is - there was an intent when the concept of the DP parking stall was devised, and it's nice to see that the spirit of that intent is still alive in some of us.

Think about that, pussies of the world.  I hope that makes you feel just a fraction of your true uselessness.

So, thanks to the behavior of the average American asshole yet again...now when I see the disabled logo (such as at the top of this page) on someone's vehicle, I now imagine someone who needs to get their clock cleaned.  Now when I see a DP placard, more often than not, I am probably fantasizing about disabling the driver for real.  Especially if he or she is in my way.  Get outta my fuckin way already.  Pussy.

Shitty Employers Exposed: Count Dracula

Department of Industrial Relations
Occupational Safety & Health Administration

Notice of Serious Violation

Citation and Notification of Penalty

To: Count Dracula
and his successors
Castle Dracula, Transylvania

Inspection Site:
Castle Dracula, Transylvania
Herein referred to as “Castlevania”

Inspection Date: January 2012
Citation Date: April 3, 2012

The violation(s) described in this Citation and Notification of Penalty is (are) alleged

to have occurred on or about the day(s) the inspection was made unless otherwise indicated

within the description given below.

Penalties are due within 15 working days of receipt of this notice unless contested. If the Count wishes to appeal any of the noted violations, remittance is still due on any and all items that are not being appealed.

Citation 1 Item 1

Violation Type: SERIOUS

Existing preventative measures to eliminate dangerous and/or supernatural wildlife insufficient. Inspector documented the following on the first floor interior alone: weird dog-looking things, fish creatures, and what was only described by the inspector as “a fireball-spewing bat the size of a butt-fucking Volkswagen.”

Photodocumentation included below:

Citation 1 Item 2

Violation Type: SERIOUS

Inspector noted bottles of blue, extremely flammable liquid stashed behind candle sconces. Inspector was unable to identify liquid, however, inspector noted that liquid was so flammable that, upon breaking of glass bottle, chemical automatically burst into flame with no evident ignition source. Locations where bottles were found behind sconces too numerous to list. Other hazards noted behind sconces include blades, sharp-edged materials, and for some reason pork chops.

Photodocumentation included below:

Citation 1 Item 3

Violation Type: SERIOUS

Inspector noted open pits and fall hazards all throughout the castle. Not a single pit was marked or roped off. Inspector is amazed to note that employer has not sustained a single employee fatality due to falling.

Photodocumentation included below:

Citation 1 Item 4

Violation Type: WILLFUL

Inspector is pretty sure there’s a fuckin Frankenstein on one floor of the castle. While no federal or local statute prohibits the Count from keeping a pet Frankenstein, the Count still has a responsibility to identify all potential workplace hazards and mitigate as is reasonable. Keeping a goddamn pet Frankenstein, in this inspector's opinion, violates the very spirit of this requirement.

Photodocumentation included below:

Citation 1 Item 5

Violation Type: SERIOUS

Lack of employee training: inspector was struck with a bone in the morgue area. Inspector investigated and noticed numerous employees lumbering about the area with bones in their hands; periodically each employee would throw their bone across the area. When the employees were asked if the employees had ever received training on throwing bones, employees threw bones at the inspector.

Photodocumentation included below:

Citation 1 Item 6

Violation Type: SERIOUS

Inspector noted the presence of large birds near clock tower area. This concern is only partially based in the interests of sanitation; additionally, the birds are very large and the inspector’s opinion is that the birds are large and aggressive enough to knock an average-sized full-grown man off the various platforms and floors in the most goddamn infuriating manner possible.  Handwritten quote from inspector's notepad: "Fuck those goddamn birds."

Photodocumentation included below:

Conclusion and recommendations:

As an employer, you have a responsibility to send your employees home at the end of the day in the same condition in which they appeared for work that same morning. Your complete and utter disregard for this responsibility - which appears to have dated back to the very design and construction of your centuries-old workplace - is nothing short of appalling.

It is the recommendation of the Division that a copy of this citation be provided to your local authorities for prosecution.

The Greatest Band of All Time

"I have come to produce a rhythm suitable for pairs of humans to bang their heads over oil drum fires to. Enjoy!"

I been in a cave

For forty days

Only a spark

To light my way

I wanna give out

I wanna give in

This is our crime

This is our sin

But I still believe

I still believe

Through the pain

And through the grief

Through the lies

Through the storms

Through the cries

And through the wars

Oh, I still believe

Flat on my back

Out at sea

Hopin' these waves

Don't cover me

I'm turned and tossed

Upon the waves

When the darkness comes

I feel the grave

But I still believe

I still believe

Through the cold

And through the heat

Through the rain

And through the tears

Through the crowds

And through the cheers

Oh, I still believe

I'll march this road

I'll climb this hill

Upon my knees

If I have to

I'll take my place

Upon this stage

I'll wait till the end of time

For you like everybody else

I'm out on my own

Walkin' the streets

Look at the faces

That I meet

I feel like I

Like I wanna go home

What do I feel?

What do I know?

But I still believe

Yes, I still believe

Through the shame

And through the grief

Through the heartache

Through the tears

Through the waiting

Through the years

For people like us

In places like this

We need all the hope

That we can get

Oh, I still believe