The Greatest Band of All Time (pt 2) - Criteria for Judgment

I had enough fun walking down memory lane with the Motleys the other day that I've decided to take this whole thing a little more seriously than I had before. Following this entry, there will be three more posts in this series, each representing one of the top three greatest bands of all time. In the interests of transparency, I am now - for the first time ever - sharing my criteria for what makes a good band great.

The following are the categories against which the bands mentioned in the Greatest Band of All Time series of posts will be judged:

1. Energy - This is pretty self-explanatory. The artist's catalogue must be energetic. You (the listener) must experience some sort of a transference of energy while listening to the material. Doesn't have to be every track, but it must be more than half of the tracks in the catalogue. Now, by "transference of energy," I am simply describing that feeling you get when you hear something that gets you jacked up - it can be anything from a track that forces you to tap your feet to a track that gives you that sudden nauseous, "I'm containing more energy than I am burning," feeling in your stomach. More on that feeling when we get to the number three band on the list.

I hope that description is sufficient and you now understand what I am talking about, because if not, you will never get it.

Ninja's note - be aware that this must be a positive transference of energy; you (the listener) must end up with a positive energy balance and not that dirty, tired feeling you have after you hear Coldplay on the radio.

2. Quality of Material - This second category is - I hope - the last of the obvious, self-explanatory ones: the artist's material must be of high quality. Not production-wise (that's a given), but content-wise. This is, unfortunately, an instance where my personal tastes are going to invariably kick in and make decisions that are inexplicable and immeasurable. It's going to happen. So in an attempt to give the people of the world a voice as close to equal to mine as I can muster, how about this: in order to be completely successful in this category, the band must have had at least one number one single and at least one album in the number one Billboard spot. Fair? I think so.

3. Creativity in Content and Structure - In this category, the successful artist must strive to innovate in order to develop and maintain a "sound" that can only be described as belonging to that artist. Additionally, to be successful in this category, the artist must contribute something new to the genre in terms of song or track structure. The artist must push past the "verse/chorus/verse/chorus" structure and present something unique.

4. Attitude - This is a category dear to my heart that is unfortunately a) overlooked, and b) almost entirely nonexistant in today's music. In order to succeed in this category, the artist must a) have a lyric warning sticker on the front of their album, b) make references to any or all of the following: sex, fighting, murder, drinking, drug use that is more than simply recreational, or assault in general, and c) routinely curse and direct it at a tangible person or thing.

5. Cohesive Image That Isn't Retarded - This one is kinda self-explanatory - a cohesive image. For more on what that is, I present the following - Photo A:

For more on what that isn't - Photo B:

Let's examine these photos together.  Photo A (top) depicts four people.  Their assorted articles of clothing range from eclectic to borderline unidentifiable.  By and large they appear unconcerned with the presence of a camera...which is unusual for a normal mortal human, isn't it?  What can you tell about them based on their clothing?  Not much, save that one of them may be an astronaut.  Ahh, that's the jackpot, isn't it?  You can't tell...and thus you become curious.

Photo B (bottom) depicts five people.  I am instantly familiar with every article of clothing shown.  These five appear very interested in the presence of the camera; you can almost read a "Hey, everyone, look!  It's the camera!  Right there!  The very reason we all drove out into the woods together is right here, it's pointed at us!"  Nothing unusual or noteworthy about that at all, this could be a photo from the local paper based on their attitude toward the camera.  Now, what can we tell about them based on their clothing?

The guy out in front I would associate with being a rock-n-roller, but his choice of shirt is so poor I would actually begin to doubt myself and maybe I'd end up guessing he's a farmer of California crop.  Moving back to the other four folks, I'd say...left to right...ski lodge bartender on his day off, lesbian on her way to a breast cancer walkathon, stand-up comedian, and failed-graphic-designer-turned-retail-manager.  There is absolutely nothing cohesive about these people.  The only thing they appear to have in common is that they were all inside the frame when the picture was taken.  We getting it?  Motleys = cohesive.  Pearl Jam = not cohesive.

Now, for the sticking point - the image must be cohesive, but it cannot be retarded.  What makes an image retarded, you ask? I present the following photodocumentation of an image that is retarded while at the same time being cohesive:

"We figured out a way to cut in on the massive worldwide market for U2.  Bono doesn't need any 

more money, he would just give it to the starving African babies anyway.  So you wanna know 

why we're smiling?  Because we got rich stealing money from starving African babies."

I'm pretty lenient on this sticking point, really. Just don't be Coldplay and you won't be docked for being retarded.

6. Singer Doesn't Sound Like a Pussy - yet another category that - judging by today's standards - must be near & dear solely to me. I can turn on a local radio station and...you know what? I will. Here I go...turning on the radio...now I'm going to write down every time this station plays a song where the singer is singing like a pussy. I'll continue to do this as I sit here and work for the next six hours or so.

• Not Your Fault/AWOLNATION - This idiot's voice cracks on every chorus. Aside from Nirvana, since when does a cracking or breaking voice in a recording session not result in an immediate do-over (and possibly an apology to anyone who may have been within earshot)? It makes you sound like a pussy, guys. Seriously. 

• Yellow (I think that's what this garbage is called??)/COLDPLAY  - By itself, this clown's voice probably doesn't qualify as sounding like a pussy. But - when you hold his voice up next to Bono's - you realize that he's not really singing in his own voice, is he? No, he's simply emulating the singer of U2 - everything from pronunciation of Ds and Ts to recurring falsettos to his sibilants - this guy is hoping to cash in on Bono's market share by trying to sound exactly like Bono. And THAT is a pussy maneuver. (FYI - Bono is one of the manliest singers alive. Deal.)

• We Are Young/FUN  - Jesus Holy Shit Christ, I had to check and make sure this was even a dude before including it here (it is now completely permissible for a man to refer to his female date as his "lover" now, evidently). Good God. This is just the worst thing I've heard in a long, long time, and for a lot more reasons than just having a singer sounding like a pussy.  Wow.  I'm actually a little impressed with how bad that was. OK, bringing it all back into focus - 

          Lead singer of FUN?  You sound like an absolute neuterroid and you hurt my ears. 

• Animal/NEON TREES - This one actually made me laugh a little bit. I can't even tell who or what this clown is trying to be...all I can tell is that he's trying way too hard. He's singing his poppy little song like it's a show tune. Does he sing all his songs like this?? ...doesn't he know that would get extremely old extremely quickly? Pussy. 

• Kids/MGMT - I don't even know WTF this is.  Don't get me wrong...it's well-structured, very unique, melodically advanced, good production...but I don't get the point.  Was this written by the, uh, ESL crowd?  Because I can't imagine anyone with a good grasp of the English language setting out to write a groove-based song that focuses on...childhood and growing up.  Childhood?  Seriously?  How is this song even a real thing?  Why would you even put pen to paper?  WHY would you think the world needs a song - by you - about childhood?

          Oh, and you sound like a pussy while you're doing it, too.

7. Surviving Drug Overdoses and Alcohol Poisoning - this is easy: if there has been substance abuse, there better not be any death associated with it. Here's who would not score well in this category: Whitney fuckin Houston. Too soon? OK, sorry, how about Sublime, Alice in Chains, Avenged Sevenfold, or Amy Winehouse instead. Better?

Now, a curveball - the ultimate scorer in this category will be the artist who has taken the Party Train all the way to the final stop at Death Station and come back to tell the tale. That's not only the ultimate way to score in this category, it's also the ultimate way to score with me...I guarantee you I at least want to get a little bit naked with someone who has jabbed his finger in the grim reaper's chest and said "You know what? You ought to back down before you get hurt, bro.  I'm about to knock the shine off that Skeletor head of yours."

8. Not Changing Your Sound So Dramatically That It Negates Your Earlier Work (ie "Selling Out") - simple, again. This category is intended to keep bands that started strong and then proved to the world that they're absolute failures - such as Metallica - off the list. I can guarantee you that without this category I would be forced to include Metallica (in fact, looking at the other categories...Metallica might have won the top spot). I can also guarantee you that I would rather stick a gun barrel in my mouth than include Metallica.

FUCK METALLICA.

The Greatest Band of All Time (pt 1) - Honorable Mention

Motley Crue 

Ninja's Note: Beyond Saints of Los Angeles, I’m unclear if this band is still putting out new material. I’m proceeding as though they are not, and I’ll make it known that I don’t think being wrong about this would change their position on my list. 

THE GOOD:

Nikki Sixx – You can spend your entire humanoid lifetime praising Nikki Sixx for all the various reasons out there, and when you die, you’ll probably have left a few things out you should have mentioned.

You know how our dads all have that Magic Manly Nostalgia spot in their hearts for John Wayne, where – let’s face it – deep down, they're completely incapable of accepting the fact that John Wayne was a mere mortal and not some black-&-white Cowboy Superhero? Seriously, they only admit that Wayne is dead because they’ve learned that they must in order to fit into society. If you hooked any of our dads up to a polygraph and asked them “Where’s John Wayne?” the only response that would not produce a violent needlescratch is “Oh, he’s out riding around right now…probably shooting Indians…killing cancer...maybe looking for a lost girl…driving cattle with a group of kids...flying a tank into a Nazi plane...”

That’s how my generation feels about Sixx. For those not in the know, here’s the deal with Sixx: he simply walks through life fist-fucking people with the force of his will. That’s Sixx in a nutshell. If you have something he wants? He will figure out a way to get it.

Example: his name. You know how he came up with it? Someone else had it, and he found out about it. He thought to himself: “you know…I want that name. For me.” And the next thing you know, the real Nikki Sixx please stands up and the other guy probably ended up unconscious in a Hollywood bathroom somewhere with his forehead kicked in.

Also, we have to talk about the drug use. For crying out loud. This guy was the World Heavyweight Champion of Drugs, there’s not really any other way to say it. Not only did he keep ticking when lesser men would have dropped dead…when it came Sixx’s time (maybe even times, might have been twice, can’t quite recall), he did what I would do – he died with a needle hanging out of his arm, waited until he was pronounced dead, and then willpowered his way back to life. In all your wildest, wettest fantasies, I challenge you to come up with something better than that.

Oh, and Sixx also wrote all the Crue songs.

Shout at the Devil – This second album is, to my recollection, the album where the trademark Crue backup vocals first truly appeared. Being a person who is a bit of an audiophile, I am usually able to reverse-engineer vocal sounds in my head and determine just “how they did that.” In this case? No f*cking clue. It’s as though someone drew giant-headed cartoon caricatures of the band members and taped them singing the parts.

The writing was all top-notch for this album. If memory serves, Sixx is credited with all the songwriting (as per usual), but the guitar parts developed by Mars are worth mentioning in their own right. The title track, Red Hot, Too Young to Fall in Love, Bastard…oh man. I’m shouting at the devil right now just thinking about this.

Additionally, this album captured an attitude that the other records failed to reproduce; that pure, balls-out, punk rock attitude. Song themes: sex, revenge, stabbing, more revenge, murdering thy significant other, and – of course – shouting at the devil. Of the 80s mainstream hair bands, only one other managed to capture that same attitude, and guess what? They were never able to recreate the magic past one album either. More on that when we get to (spoiler alert) Guns ‘n Roses.

The autobiography (The Dirt) – This bio was released maybe a decade ago and simply defies description. If you like mystery stories, and are interested in a mystery story where the mystery is “how the f*ck are these maniacs still among the living?” then this book is for you.

THE BAD:

Girls, Girls, Girls – This was the Crue’s first album to hit number one on the charts. It’s also my personal least favorite, in spite of the fact that it opens with two of their best songs (title track and Wild Side, arguably their best song ever in spite of the fact that Sixx’s sixteenth-note bassline should have been given a better position in the mix during the verse sections). Imagine an album that blows your balls off with the first two tracks, and then just falls off. After the end of the first week of listening to it, you realize you will never listen to it past the first two tracks. That’s this album.

Their Reaction to the Nineties – This was the point in time where the group should have just taken a ten-year vacation, waited, and then announced a reunion tour. When public tastes shift so dramatically (ie “when you’re in Motley Crue and you suddenly see a dirtbag like Eddie Vedder propelled into stardom”) as they did in the early nineties, you know volatile times are ahead and you need to just hunker down and wait out the storm.

Instead, they parted ways with their awesome singer (Vince) and hired some dirty-looking guy named…actually I forget.

It was awful. The tried to re-tool their sound to fit in with what was popular, never seeing the forest for the trees – namely, the sh*t that’s popular now is popular because it’s not Motley Crue. People have had hairspray and makeup (on dudes) shoved in their face for fifteen – twenty years now. They just need a break, that’s all.

Eventually, Vince & the Crue got back together and they went on tour. No new material to speak of, instead these were large shows where they did what the people wanted – played their old stuff. Awesome.

Tommy Lee sans Drumsticks – don’t get me wrong, the guy is an integral part of the Crue. As long as he shuts up and bangs on his drums like he’s supposed to, we’re all good. It’s when he puts the drumsticks down that we get into trouble. Don't get me wrong, I don't give a shit about the Pam tape, or Pam getting roughed up a little, or supposedly getting Hep C off Tommy.

I give a shit about having to see the Crue with the female drummer from HOLE filling in because Tommy the Dipshit is out playing under the name METHODS OF MAYHEM.

Fun fact: at one point, he quit the band to pursue a career as a hip-hop artist. 

What an idiot.

WHAT WENT WRONG: Seattle.

No, seriously, it was simply the end of an era. The roller coaster ride that had been Motley Crue's Eighties had reached its pinnacle, and people were ready for something new.  That's all it was.

Had they handled the ride down a little more gracefully, they may have made it higher on the list. Still, they will always be the band that my brother and I were forbidden to listen to (which made us buy every album available and listen to them all nonstop).

Fun fact: I once had a T-shirt that said "Crue fans are the best, fuck the rest."  Yeah.  What were you wearing when you were twelve?  Probably nothing that cool.

Much love, Motleys.

Hayashi the Mammoth Pussy (pt 2)

This weekend marks the one-month-til-Ninja-Gaiden-3-drops point, and although I am not one to repeat myself, a new interview with Mammoth Pussy and Team Ninja head Yosuke Hayashi recently surfaced, thus obligating me to tread over familiar ground.

From Gamesradar.com: "Yosuke Hayashi, head of the post-Tomonobu Itagaki Team Ninja, says the studio's prurient days are behind it. The upcoming Ninja Gaiden 3 and Dead or Alive 5 continue two series long known for bloody violence and Russ Meyer-esque levels of playful sexism – but Hayashi says players expecting the titles to bring the same “cheap thrills” of their predecessors are in for a surprise.


“It was very obvious,” Hayashi tells Gamasutra, that Team Ninja's output was known for “two primary elements: sex and violence.” With the new Ninja Gaiden, for instance, the director “wanted to give meaning to violence,” he says. “Why does this happen? We want to link emotion to violence.” The new Ninja Gaiden looks to take a more character-based approach to series hero Ryu Hayabusa, and Hayashi says the team aims to produce “a game that is for mature audiences, that can make adults think.”


Similarly, Hayashi says Dead or Alive has traditionally been known for its Sports Illustrated-style presentation of women, “like a magazine for high school kids, with women portrayed in that sense. But that's not what we want.” He says the new game aims to “show something that's more high class,” saying he wants players to look at any given heroine and “be impressed with her as a woman, not just as a pin-up."

This is more of the same out of this chump.  "I know best."  A high-class video game...right.  Every time someone over the age of eighteen flips on a video game console, there is a slight tinge of shame that runs down his spine.  The notion of "class" ceases to exist at that point; we've decided to cave in for a guilty pleasure or two and that's that.  At this point, the more you can do to help us wallow in our indulgence, the better.

Here's why this is dumb: had this been a lifelong dream of Hayashi's - to infiltrate a video game developing company known - as he puts it - for "two primary elements - sex and violence," and then change things once he got the power to do so, then I'd have to give him props.  Way to work your way up to the top, and once you got there, way to make the changes you've lived your life to make.

But is that what happened?  Not at all.  Anyone remember the sixaxis boob juggle from Ninja Gaiden Sigma 2?  He directed that game.  That was all him.

So what does this mean for the changes up ahead in terms of NG3 and the DOA series?  It means they were whimsical, which is utterly terrifying.  Much like pulling the windmill shuriken from Sigma 2 and replacing it with...the rocket launcher...Hayashi does whatever he wants to do, because he thinks he knows better than millions of fans.

The face of a guy who knows how to make a ninja game:

No, that's not Joey Ramone, that's Tomonobu Itagaki, badass creator of the most badass game ever developed: Ninja Gaiden 2.  Let's look at the accomplishments associated with this man's name from the Ninja Gaiden games alone:

1. Creator of the Izuna Drop
2. Creator of the Flying Swallow
3. Creator of the Dragon Sword/True Dragon Sword
4. Creator of the Vigoorian Flail
5. Creator of Alma
6. Creator of Doku
7. Creator of Vigoor
8. Creator of Hayabusa Village
9. Creator of the shuriken cancel
10. Creator of the Kusari-gama
11. Creator of the Tonfa
12. Creator of the Tonfa's Ultimate Technique 
13. Creator of the Eclipse Scythe
14. Creator of the Lunar staff (even though it's overused and boring)
15. Creator of Genshin
16. Creator of the four Greater Fiends
17. Creator of the coliseum cinema: Sonia's helicopter versus the werewolf army
18. Creator of the Windmill Shuriken/Bow/Incendiary Shuriken Ultimate Technique (NG2)
19. Creator of the de-limbing mechanic introduced in pt 2
20. Creator of the Obliteration Technique
21. Creator of the Kusari-gama (yeah, fuck you, it's so awesome I'm listing it twice)
22. Creator of the Guillotine Throw
23. Creator of the NG2 Staircase of Doom (you know what I'm talking about)
24. Creator of the Master Ninja difficulty setting, and finally...
25. Creator of Chapter 11 (NG2), the most brutal chapter/level in any video game, BARNONE.

Now let's see what a Mammoth Pussy looks like:

Ahh, yeah, there we go: Yosuke Hayashi, epic dirtbag, ruiner of games, and now that I'm looking at the dunce...thief of my grandmother's reading glasses.  Here are some of his accomplishments:

1. Forced a bunch of unnecessary boobies into Ninja Gaiden 2 when he directed Ninja Gaiden Sigma 2
2. Made it so the boobies would jiggle if you shook the controller
3. Creator of the worst weapon ever (Enma's Fang...for fuck's sake just give me the damn Dabilharo if you're hellbent on me keeping a giant clunky sword like that in my inventory)
4. Removed all boobies from all future Team Ninja games

The lists speak for themselves.

-DH

PS - the offer is on the table, Hayashi - I will eat these words come March 20, 2012 if your newest Gaiden game isn't a complete embarrassment.

PPS - sorry but I really don't like your face.  It's like you're staring at my through my computer screen while I type.  What are you smirking like that for?  It's creepy.  Go look at someone else.

How to Puke Like a Man (Sorry, Bon Scott Fans)

Instant pain upon opening of eyes...


...close eyes and scan other senses for data.
Pain in neck due to severe angle...analyzing pillow.  Pillow too hard and surface too rough.

CONCLUSION: not pillow. Armrest. You're not in your bed.
Additional sensory data gathered:

• pain in head, extreme pain
• extreme nausea
• extreme weakness
• extreme dizziness
• no audio data to review

CONCLUSION: silence.

• olfactory data available and partially recognized, continue background scanning of data until scent is identified.
• no taste present in mouth...further analysis determines mouth is too dry to taste anything

Warning flag applied: EXTREME DEHYDRATION WARNING
Re-scan local memory for interpretable data. Pains and symptoms identified are familiar but only partially recognized, continue background scanning until symptoms are identified.
No new data available for analysis. Background scans incomplete.

Options for obtaining new data:

1. Open eyes again.
2. Attempt to move.

Risk analysis - Option 1 introduced instant pain upon initial trial. However, initial pain was likely the worst a person should expect within reason. Option 2 is, upon initial assessment, much riskier due to one particular combination of variables: extent of dizziness unknown, and current location unknown.
CONCLUSION: Option 1 is less risky.


Eyes open.  Pain is instant but subsiding quickly. Eyes are dry, pain noted in simple side-to-side movement.  Eyes having trouble focusing. No shapes visible. 
CONCLUSION: it's dark.

Continue visual scan of area. Large shape forming in 12:00 position; shape is symmetrical with square corners. Patches of purple visible.
CONCLUSION: it's a window.

Run list of potential locations based on window orientation and proximity to couch:

1. home
2. neighbor's house
3. DC's house
4. in-laws' house
5. unknown location

Ongoing scan of window establishes approximate size as 4' x 4'. Potential locations 2, 3, and 4 have full-size sliding glass doors by their couches. Potential locations 2, 3, and 4 = eliminated.
CONCLUSION: I am at home, or someplace new.
DEVELOPING THEORY: I am likely at home.

New data established: feeling produced on some unknown plane of consciousness that the above determination took far longer than it would take under normal circumstances.
DEVELOPING THEORY: Brain not functioning at full capacity.

Integrating new data with existing data:

1. I am either home or in an unknown location.
2. Extreme pain in head.
3. Extreme nausea.
4. Extreme weakness.
5. Extreme dizziness.
6. Total silence.
7. Partially identified smell in the air.
8. Extreme dehydration.
9. Overall feeling is mostly familiar.

Potential scenarios identified:

1. I have been poisoned.
2. I have somehow had the living shit kicked out of me, potential car accident.
3. I am hung over.

Integrating developing theories with new and existing data:

1. I am home.
2. Brain not functioning at full capacity.

Had current location been consistent with a hospital setting, or had someone been present when I woke, options 1 or 2 would have been the most likely. However, being alone and at home, and factoring the dehydration, option 3 becomes the most likely: I am hung over. Introduce scenario "hung over" as filter into background scans.
Background scan complete!
CONCLUSION: unknown scent identified: absinthe.
Background scan complete!
CONCLUSION: partially-recognized pains/symptoms identified, symptoms are your typical hangover symptoms (magnified).
Create positive confirmation that you are on your couch? (Y/N) Yes
PREPARING TO SPEAK
"Bob, where are you, you stupid fucking cat."
Meow detected in response. You're home.

POSITION ESTABLISHED:

HOME

New data: throat sore but also raw and partially swollen. Refrain from further speech until necessary.
Integrating conclusions: You got fucked up on absinthe last night, you're on the couch for yet-to-be-determined reasons (warning flag assigned to this point), and you're more hung over then you've ever been in your life.
Scan memory for data. No immediate data present. Assign warning flag? (Y/N?) No, this lack of memory data is consistent with symptoms. Scan back further. Blank.
Integrate current symptoms with previous experiences, cross reference all associations.
Most recent previous episode recalled:
New Years' Day identified as most recent known episode of similar symptoms.


Scan memory for New Years' Eve activities - New Years' Eve was spent with neighbors, Mike and Kelly, and led to similar symptoms the following morning.


INCOMING DATA: Purple patches visible through window are more pronounced.


DEVELOPING THEORY: Daylight approaching.


Scan memory for previous evening, apply filter "Mike and Kelly" (apply advanced filtering techniques, scan for images of faces, sounds of voices, familiar scent of living room and kitchen area). Partial memories recalled:

1. Giving Mike a hug upon entry.
2. Giving Kelly a hug (or perhaps this is a memory of Mike hugging Amy)?
3. Asking Amy if she wanted to sit on the couch or by the tabl

AMY ALERT/AMY ALERT/AMY ALERT

NEW TOP PRIORITY ESTABLISHED

Determine location and condition of Amy (wife).

Panic subsiding. must finish memory scan:

     4. Sitting with Mike in my home office showing him the MT4 platform. For some insane reason.


Memory scan complete.  Memory scan results incomplete; still negative on location for Amy. Objective: check bedroom for Amy.

Attempt to roll over on side; stomach immediately goes into barrel rolls.  Probability of vomiting upon further movement: 50%

Re-establish priority of current objective.  Is it worth 50% chance of puking to check the bedroom?  Additional data for consideration: current position is on tile, bedroom is carpeted, so consider that it's unsafe for you to remain in the bedroom: you will have to return to the couch.  Your walking distance just doubled.

CONCLUSION: not worth 50% puking odds to check bedroom.

Alternate solution: Call Amy on her cell phone.  Probability for success: high, assuming she has her phone with her.  Probability she has her phone with her: if she's in the bedroom...95%.  She typically does.

Feeling on table behind armrest for my phone.  Nothing.  Sit up slightly, note the lurch in stomach but stomach holds.  Scan memory, this time with the following filters: cell phone, recent, Mike and Kelly.  Vague image of me setting my phone on their coffee table.  Probabilities begin establishing themselves:

1. Phone is at Mike and Kelly's - 45%
2. Phone is on the ground somewhere between my house and Mike & Kelly's - 25%
3. Phone is gone forever - 15%
4. Phone is inside house where it can be reached by me - 15%

Sit up further to re-evaluate probability of puking if a trip is made to the bedroom.  Probability holds at 50%.  Original determination holds: not worth 50% puking odds to check bedroom.

Reassess priorities, objectives, and risk:reward scenarios in light of current condition.  Establish new protocol: what if Amy's position is established to be in the bedroom prior to movement, such that the movement will be to confirm Amy's position, thus completing top priority task and ending current Amy Alert status?

CONCLUSION: worth 50% chance of puking to end Amy Alert status.

Scan recent memory for easily-verifiable conditions that Amy made it home safe last night.  Scan complete. Two conditions meet all requested criteria:

1. There will be a bucket of some sort by my head.
2. There will be a blanket of some sort nearby. 

Check floor near end of couch for bucket?  (Y/N)  Yes.  Bucket identified; silver mixing bowl from kitchen (overhead cabinet on far left, second shelf).  

First condition confirmed.  Probability that Amy is present in house established at 65%.  Attempt to confirm second condition?  (Y/N)  Yes.

Blanket identified around waistline and knees.  Second condition confirmed.  Probability that Amy is present in house increased to 90%.

NEW PROTOCOL CONFIRMED: Amy's location believed to be bedroom.

NEW PRIMARY OBJECTIVE: Confirm bedroom as Amy's location to end Amy Alert status.

Attempt to stand.  Odds of vomiting instantly increase.  New data incoming based on physical movement reveals weakness is much more severe than anticipated.  Odds of puking en route to bedroom: 70%.  Odds of strength giving out prior to reaching objective: 50%.

Scan brain for quickest way to relieve weakness from hangover:

1. Motrin
2. Xanax
3. Coffee
4. Gatorade
5. Food
6. Water
7. More booze

Options 1, 3, 4, 5, and 7 ruled out due to potential conflict with stomach.  Option 2 ruled out due to complete lack of knowledge as to current location of bottle.

Sit back down? (Y/N?)

INCOMING DATA: cool moisture present around neckline of clothes.

Sit back down? (Y/N?)

INCOMING DATA: all clothes still on, including shoes.

Sit back down?  (Y/N?)  No.  Primary objective remains Amy Alert, new current objective: drink water.

Proceed slowly towards kitchen.  Blotches and false images present in vision, enhanced by the dark.  Smell of absinth stronger.

INCOMING DATA: neckline of clothes is more moist than initially perceived.

Water poured from tap into dirty glass.  Sip?  (Y/N?)  ...yes.

REJECTED! REJECTED! PUKE WARNING! WATER REJECTED...LEAN OVER SINK, SPIT OUT ALL WATER, AND HOLD STEADY.  AWAIT FURTHER INSTRUCTIONS.

Puke warning subsiding.  Chances of vomiting decreasing...systems online.  ...systems stabilizing.  Estimate as to how much time has passed?  Impossible to determine, options ranging from thirty seconds or one hour seem reasonable.  Internal timekeeping system corrupted, recalibration necessary. 

Moisture detected around mouth and nose.  Cleaning advisable; suggest wipe with bare hand, then run bare hand under water from sink.

INCOMING DATA: large amount of dried material around wet area of face.  Continue examination? (Y/N?) ...yes.

CONCLUSION: Dried, flaky material noted on both cheeks, upper lip, chin and under chin. 

Potential material identified on face:

1. Food
2. Blood
3. Vomit
4. Unknown

Further exploration warranted?  (Y/N?)  Yes.

Examining volume and current capacity of stomach.  Stomach empty.  Food = unlikely.
Recent facial examination caused no pain in lips or nose.  My blood = unlikely.  Other person's blood = possible, not enough data.
No memory of vomiting.  Checking for previous episodes of sleep-vomiting...only one similar instance identified.  Instances not identical: prior incident included vague morning recollection of dreaming about vomiting.  Vomiting unlikely.
Most likely scenario for material on face: unknown material.
Re-evaluate above scenarios, this time integrate all known facts regarding current position.
MOST LIKELY SCENARIO suspended in light of moisture around neckline.  Need to identify material around neckline.
Identify dimmest light source within ten feet: stove fan.  Four feet.  Activate light (Y/N?) Yes.  Advise eyes close prior to activation, and open slowly over the course of five - ten seconds.

Commencing visual scan of shirt and sweatshirt.  No moisture visible from current vantage point.  Remove sweatshirt and shirt, and place on ground for inspection?  (Y/N?)  Yes.

DATA REJECTED/close eyes to reboot and recalibrate ocular system.  Rescan (Y/N?)  Yes.

DATA REJECTED/close eyes to reboot and recalibrate ocular system. Rescan (Y/N?) Yes.

DATA REJECTED/close eyes to reboot and recalibrate ocular system. Rescan (Y/N?) Yes.

...INCOMING DATA.  You puked, in your sleep, flat on your back.

CONCLUSION: In doing so, you proved that everyone who's ever died in their sleep by choking on their puke is a pussy.  High-five, hero! 

PRIMARY OBJECTIVE SUSPENDED

NEW PRIMARY OBJECTIVE: Get some lights on, find a camera, take a picture, and go back to bed.  A winner is you!

A WINNER IS ME!

.--. ... / .... .- .--. .--. -.-- / -... .. .-. - .... -.. .- -.-- --..-- / .--- ..- .-.. . ...

Gimme My Shit and Leave Me Alone: Not All Products and Services Are Appropriate for the Subscription-Style Business Model

I was standing on my roof the other night in full ninja shōzoku - probably framed perfectly in the full moon with my headband blowing behind me in slo-mo and everything - preparing to chop my satellite dish off and, well, I guess I got around to asking myself why I was about to perform a full decap on some costly DISH network equipment.  This soul-searching led me to a realization that I feel obligated to share in the hopes it helps American society get out in front of some pretty shitty changes going on around us.

Am I late?  At this time I believe the answer is yes.  Nonetheless...maybe I'm not too late.  So prepare to listen, if only for a moment, fellow warriors - the point is this:

At what point did the "subscription" -type business model completely replace the "here's my money, gimme my shit, and you and I never need to interact with one another again" -type business model??

Back to why I was on the roof - I noticed not too long ago that I was paying close to $100 per month for DISH service and Netflix.  I'd had the same two (unwatched) Netflix DVDs on my dinner table since 2011, and other than Comedy Central, the only TV I watch is all network stuff, the kind of TV that's floating around in high-definition for free for anyone willing to hook up a $30 HDTV antenna.  So I decided to cancel the DISH and downgrade Netflix to streaming-only...this way I'd hopefully avoid most of the $100/month I was bleeding.

Because - as they say - it's not about how much you make, but how much you get to keep...right??

Part of my plan was to replace my DISH-owned DVR with a TiVo, of course.  So you can imagine my surprise when I learned that you and I can no longer even obtain a TiVo without a) paying for it, b) signing a contract, and c) making a payment to TiVo every month (unless you want to pay literally 5x more for your TiVo box).  Your $20 a month nets you their crappy "premiere" service, which - to the best of my knowledge - simply serves to tell you which paid monthly subscription-type services (Netflix, Hulu Plus, etc) you need to buy in order to see the shows you want.

It's not enough to just take our yen anymore, ninjas.  Remember the old days, when you bought a TV and then you got to watch free TV until the f*cking thing broke twenty years later??  Or you called the pest control guy and he came out and the bugs died and then you paid him & the discussion about a monthly contract didn't even enter the equation?  Yeah, those days are OVER.  They want our money now, and they want our money in perpetuity, and they want to provide as little as possible in the way of effort, services, or value.

Here's a good example - I recently bought a home furnished with an over-the-stove microwave.  Well, after about six months of use, the front of the microwave fell off (no, I assure you my katana wasn't even in the same room at the time).  I called the GE repairman out. 

Did he fix it and then get the f*ck out of my face?  NOPE.  Instead - prior to beginning work - he tried to entangle me in a battle of wills wherein (he hoped) I would be bested and forced to agree to sign up for GE's extended warranty, which would cover my microwave and dishwasher for the next five years...all for only $50 a month. 

Luckily, I was trained at a young age to perform complex mathematics in my head, so I asked him how long he thought my microwave would last if I didn't sign up with his service.  He wouldn't answer.  I asked him specifically if he thought the microwave would last for eight months.  He said PROBABLY.  Ahh, big mistake, paco - check and MATE: "Well, if I keep that $50 a month, in eight months I'll have $400.  I'm sure I can get a new microwave for $400.  Probably won't go with a GE, though, if this piece of shit ends up dead after a year of use."

This illustrates my point - most businesses, which at one time were content with the "buy my shit (or my shitty service) and I'll leave you alone" -type model, are evolving. 

Here'a another great example: when I first bought my home I looked into getting an alarm system.  I wanted something that I paid for once which would - ideally - start screaming loud enough to wake Genshin from the foot of Mount Fuji if someone tried to forcibly enter. 

What I actually got was a load of shit from a bunch of local alarm companies.  "Oh, no, you can't buy the alarm.  It's not for sale.  You get it free when you sign up fo..."

"For let me guess, something that's going to cost me every month, right?"

"Yes, it's our monitoring service.  For $49.99 we monitor your alarm 24/7 and will contact the police in the event the alarm goes off."

...

I don't know if I should laugh the guy off my lawn or ask him for his autograph.  Here's why: from what I can tell, he & his company openly loathe me personally for developing such an ingeniously anti-customer arangement and walking right up to my door and pseudo-threatening me ("homes are burglarized all the time!!") with it.  And yet - it's so ingenious it borders on Bond villain-caliber stuff.  You're selling safety to people and you've figured out a way to get their money not once, but for as long as they live.
In the end, I went for simply getting the guy off my lawn.  Here are the counter-questions that immediately popped into my head, though:

1. What's wrong with the alarm I asked for, where we leave the police out of the equation and just set off a siren??  Motherf*cker I got a neighbor's house close enough to spit on on both sides!  You're telling me a siren wouldn't be a sufficient theft deterrent??

2. You think I want to write a fifty dollar check every month for as long as I own a home all so some lazy, undisciplined employee of yours can push a button when my alarm goes off?

3. Hey, how about you just hook up my alarm to ring the police directly?  Problem SOLVED. 

4.  Do you think I get to use my sword so frequently that I'm not even a little itchy for someone to try to get into my house?

5. You want $50/month?  The average loss sustained during a burglary in my area is roughly $1500.  So - playing the odds and the averages - I'd have to be burglarized more frequently than once every 2 1/2 years to where I'm actually making a shrewd financial decision by singing up with you CROOKS.  No, I think I'll hold off and wait & see if that trend pans out.

Don't buy into the bullshit, ninjas.  It's your money, keep it.  Research before you sign up for anything.  I'd have avoided some steep early termination fees from DISH if I'd have learned about the HDTV antenna + TiVo option prior to signing my contract.  I've also found alarm systems that you can buy that don't require a monthly fee - rather than some fat slob pushing a button to notify the police, an automated box in your home dials whatever phone numbers you program it to dial. 

And seriously, unless you enjoy slicing off larger and larger portions of your paychecks every month in order to cover all these subscriptions and costs, start funnelling your business to those alternatives (as I describe in the above paragraph) that don't require monthly fees.

FUGGEM, as Rambo said to Colonel Trautman (this was in part 3 I think):

Yosuke Hayashi - Mammoth Pussy (or Why I'm Not Holding My Breath for NG3)

Ninja Gaiden.  Best thing ever?  Not sure...definitely top five material.  As a person who has painstakingly played and ultimately become victorious over every NG game since the first one on the NES, I am comfortable making that statement.

Let's get this out of the way - are the Gaiden games difficult?  The answer is - and always has been - hell yes.  These games have an immense learning curve and thus the difficulty is perceived to be ratcheted up pretty high (too high for most...but most people are pussies so it makes sense).  In the early days, this learning curve was all about memorizing patterns; you had to know when the birds or bats would start flying at you in their erratic ways, because if they hit you you end up plummeting to your doom (for those not in the know, a good comparison here are the birds featured in some of the later sections of the original Castlevania game; they'd knock you right off the edge if you didn't watch your shit).  You had to know to open the Malth battle with aggression, or you'd run out of HP before he did, simple toe-to-toe tactics.  And, I'll say it - you had to have a little luck on your side.  That's OK - it was an 8-bit 2D side-scroller, and it was brought up to the Gaiden standards of an extremely difficult game by allowing for circumstances that were simply unsurvivable to line up periodically. 

With the series reboot in 2004 on the Xbox, consoles had evolved such that Team Ninja was able to serve up a difficult game, but a game where luck didn't factor into things at all: you simply had to a) learn your shit, b) know your shit, c) bring your shit, and d) bring your A++ game.  No room for luck.  This was proven over and over by the online videos showing players who had mastered the game to a degree where they were able to complete entire sections of the game while taking no damage: this was a learning curve in its purest form: you learn by your failures, you evolve, you develop, and you ultimately excel.

2007 brought us Ninja Gaiden Sigma on the PS3; this was an expansion of the 2004 version for the next generation of consoles.  That I am aware of, NGS marked the first console Gaiden game where series guardian Tomonobu Itagaki handed the director reigns to Yosuke Hayashi.  And it ended up being a let-down.

We should have learned from this.  The new boss fights were massively out of character for the game; the Gamov battle would have been better suited to a Street Fighter-type game, and the twin sister ladies?  WTF?  Am I the only one who noticed that one of them (the one minus the tentacles) was identical to fighting Alma?  And sure, we all dug seeing our favorite ninja in HD, but is it worth it when you have to play as Rachel for whole chapters at a time?  Who gave that piece of shit decision the green light?  Oh yeah, the director.  Hayashi.

Moving on: 2008 brought about the reason I purchased an X360 (and the game I played in said 360 until I got E74ed) - Ninja Gaiden 2.  NG2 for the X360 was and is - in my opinion - the greatest video game experience a person could hope for.  Itagaki once again took the director reigns and delivered a visceral bloodbath of an experience; one that truly lives up to it's promise to cause your pulse to "pound."  The Master Ninja (MN) difficulty setting in particular proved to be the single most difficult thing I've ever done.  In LIFE, not just in a game.  And if you know me at all, you know that impossible-sounding challenges in life are the only thing that get me off anymore, so...yeah.  That's saying something.

...but then Itagaki quits.  Yousuck (haha I'm rad) Hayashi is promoted to head of Team Ninja and, as expected, delivers us the piece of shit that is the Sigma version of Ninja Gaiden 2.  The blood is removed (good idea, dickmouth, pull the blood out in a game where people still end up headless and legless all over the place...that's like McDonald's "updating" their Big Mac by removing the secret sauce).  New enemies?  You bet, you get to fight a giant stupid Buddha statue (twice) and the Statue of Liberty.  Because that's what the game was missing, right?  Lumbering statues, and for some reason a couple enemies that were unique to the last Gaiden game (unfortunately this back-stepping marked the beginning of a trend).

What else?  Oh, I know what you're thinking: "Do we get to have our game momentum completely derailed by having to play as Rachel again?  Probably not, right, as she's been replaced in story mode by Sonia the CIA operative, huh?"  Don't bet on it, buddy, because - for reasons that still don't make complete sense to me - Rachel returned for Sigma 2!!  Only this time, we will force you to play not just as Rachel, but two other chicks as well!  F*ck yeah!! 

I could literally carry on like this forever, so let me wrap this up and get to my main point: Itagaki always pushed the game forward, however, this is not about breaking new ground.  The primary point here is the difficulty of the game.  Itagaki developed the various difficulties for these games from the ground up and made sure that gamers of all skill levels were accounted for in the various difficulty settings.  Most importantly, in creating the MN difficulty, Itagaki never resorted to artificial difficulty by forcing a player to get "lucky" in order to succeed.  This effort is one of the primary reasons Ninja Gaiden and Ninja Gaiden 2 were so successful and so special. 

In Hayashi's Sigma series?  Different story.  Master Ninja mode on Sigma 2 was an absolute abortion to any true fan of the series.  Hayashi removed most of the enemies, dumbed-down their aggression levels and AI, EMPTIED entire sections of the game, sections where fans had come to expect extreme action (looking at chapter 11 here, which is actually chapter 14 in the Sigma Universe thanks to the three terrible aforementioned Chick Chapters), and attempted to make up for it by simply giving the enemies the ability to instant-kill your character at any time with an unblockable grab attack.

That is not difficulty.  That is luck, and it's something we as a gaming community of ninjas evolved well beyond in 2004 (almost a decade ago).  Compare any MN-level battle with Alexei in NG2 and Sigma 2 and you'll realize that in NG2, it is possible for you to develop your skills such that you know, walking into the battle, that you will win.  You could bet your paycheck on it.  With Sigma 2?  Not so.  Alexei can snatch you up at any time and end you.  You need to get a little bit lucky, sorry.
And that, fellow ninja, is my point - Hayashi has established himself as someone who is willing to take steps backwards, while Itagaki always drove us forward...most times, at a pace that challenged our comfort levels.

In less then two months, the much-anticipated Ninja Gaiden 3 will drop.  With Hayashi in the director's chair, I'm putting the odds of me playing this game more than once at about fifty percent (as opposed to Itagaki's Ninja Gaiden 2, which I have logged thousands of hours on).  I sincerely doubt this game will have a learning curve or enough of a technical element to keep me engaged for more than two weeks.  People are up in arms about the DMC reboot; while I am amongst the many concerned DMC fans, I worry that we have much more to fear from Mr. Hayashi in terms of potential disappointment and overall disrespect for the series.  I pray that I am wrong, and I will be the first to return here and admit it if I am.  (Though I will not apologize for calling Hayashi a pussy, as Sigma 2 came out on my birthday, and it literally ruined my birthday by being such a pussified version of a Gaiden game.  I took it out and put in NG2 after a couple chapters.)

(And sorry, but I have to say this just once, I know it's lame but I won't do it again, I promise...matter of fact, don't even bother scrolling down if you're not sure you want to see it...I'll give you the chance to just quit here, OK?  It's immature, lame of me, I'll be talking shit to someone who will never be able to defend himself here, alright?  He'll never even know it exists.  Gotta do it though, punk rock roots preclude me from not saying it...)

Fuck you, Hayashi, you mammoth pussy, fuck you for ruining my favorite series with your "sigma" crap.  Taking the windmill shuriken out of Sigma 2?  What the fuck, man?  Were you raised to believe your whims were more important than 20+ years of history (because yes, some incarnation of the windmill shuriken has been in every single Gaiden game since the NES version...because the fucking fans liked it, dipshit)?  Who the fuck do you think you are?  Who the fuck did your parents think they were to raise a son with such an over-inflated sense of self-regard?  You're an ass and I hope you choke, mostly figuratively but I don't split hairs.  Pussy.

PUSSY.

Don't You Know? The Whole World Thinks You're a Pussy.

I don't think this completely applies to the M18-24 demographic like it does to the M25-35 group but we'll include them anyways:
Three questions:

1. Who do you think prime time advertising is aimed at?
2. Who do you think films based on comic books are marketed towards?
3. Who do you think films based on toys from the 80s are marketed towards?

If you watch prime time at all, you'll no doubt note the overwhelming amount of commercials featuring a) popular songs that people in the above age groups would be familiar with that have been b) re-recorded featuring some breathy, tired-sounding female vocalist. Do you think they do this to make "our music" less threatening so the commercials appeal to a wider audience (ie our parents)? GUESS AGAIN. No one ever had to sing your dad a lullaby to get him to buy a Buick; your dad fought in Korea or Vietnam, your dad drank alcohol at night like you drink Starbucks in the morning, and your dad had a five o'clock shadow by ten a.m. every damn day. No, that lullaby is aimed squarely at YOU.

So why is that? How did Madison Avenue arrive at the conclusion that our generation needs to have our mommies singing to us in order to get us to buy a toaster? 

I suggest we look to the most bankable trend in film we've seen in decades for the answer: producing films based on comic book characters from when we were kids (note that producing films based on the toys we played with is quickly becoming an equally bankable trend). What does this illustrate to the world, other than that we're a little too nostalgic? Shouldn't we be looking forward rather than attempting to retreat all the way back to the womb? Advertisers pick up on it and now I have to listen to lullabies during every commercial break.  When the entire world thinks 30-year-old American males are incapable of letting go of their childhoods, something is profoundly wrong.

In the book versions of the Dr. Lecter tales, Clarice Starling would go and sit in front of her running washing machine during times of duress.  Why would a person do that?  Thomas Harris knew why - it's because it's rhythmic & wet sounding and would remind someone on some level of being inside the womb.  Wait til Madison Avenue figures that out, guys.  All your commercials will have womb sounds playing in the background for you.

I would suggest that we do something about it. I'd suggest that when Ghost Rider 2 comes out, maybe instead of flocking to the theater like we did when Green Lantern was released, maybe we should all stay home and watch First Blood instead.

"Back there you're the law.  Out here, it's me.  Don't push it.  Don't push it or I'll give you a war you won't believe." -*INSTANT CHILLS*

But I'm not going to suggest anything, because I'm not sharing this blog with anyone until I'm sure they're not a pussy.