Album of the Year - 2012



 

I promise you: this surprised the Christ out of me. At a very young age a belief began developing and after three decades of nothing but constant validation from the universe that my beliefs were accurate, it was jarring to have those beliefs utterly destroyed.

This is what I used to believe: it’s the GUYS’ job to rock, and it’s the CHICKS’ job to look hot, stay thin, and maybe take some clothes off in the videos.

And then I met Lzzy Hale. [Not literally...what are you, retarded?]

I’d heard one of their singles on the radio from their last album and I guess it made an impression, as I kinda connected the dots years later as I heard this year’s offering and remembered them. But I’d certainly never pursued them. Earlier this year a buddy of mine gave me a copy of …the Strange Case of… and I immediately opted to not listen to it (in my defense, this awesome friend of mine had lumped it in with six gigs worth of music, so…I’m still working my way through it all).

And then a funny thing happened: months later that same friend sends me a link. “Hey, check this out – Lzzy Hale covering ‘Out ta Get Me.’”

Ninja’s Note: the quickest way to get me to ignore your e-mail is to include a link to a video in it. And the quickest way to ensure that I never see a particular Youtube video is to send it to me and suggest I watch it (DC will back me up on this one). However, this time was different: you all know about my affection for Appetite for Destruction. I was very much intrigued and slightly confused: “’Out ta Get Me?’ But Lzzy Hale is a girl. I don’t get it.”

In the end, I caved and clicked the link. And I’m sooo glad I did…because Lzzy Hale rocks harder than most dudes out there. I immediately went home and dug out …the Strange Case of… and it’s been played daily ever since.

Did you know? …the Strange Case of… is a nod to the original short story by Robert Louis Stevenson that introduced the world to Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (the full title was “The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde”). Did you also know that the story was allegedly inspired by a Scottish fellow who would become something resembling a different person (in character) when drunk? Did you also know that you should have known this long before now?

THIS is what your rock music should be like, folks. You have your energy, your attitude, and how about this: we finally get an album that was not made in the 1980s where more than half the songs are radio-worthy. How about that! Back in those days if I wanted to listen to an hour’s worth of music, I would select an album and press PLAY. Ever since Pearl Jam and Korn stormed Castle Metal and made mediocrity the norm I’ve had to compile my own mixes from the random non-garbage you’d salvage out in the wasteland that is the rock music scene. But this?

From start to finish the album is a juggernaut. Drummer Arejay Hale is a joy to listen to as his enthusiasm for drums and being a drummer come through in every beat somehow (I have no idea how certain drummers do this…the Rev pulled it off, Tommy Lee used to be able to pull it off…weird. Maybe I’m insane?). The guitar playing is solid and maybe at times a bit understated but – let’s face it – the guitar isn’t supposed to be the star here, is it?

No comment (wife reads the blog).

Lzzy Hale is the star. From the opening line of the opening track she sets out to convince you that she belongs in the company of only the most legendary rock vocalists out there. Over the course of the album she demonstrates complete dominance over just about every classic technique there is. Her choice of techniques and her choice to move (effortlessly) back and forth between belting it out and exercising restraint shows us how well she understands not only her instrument but rock music in general. This is rare: modern artists seek to bend the rules of rock n roll to fit themselves. Lzzy Hale chooses strict adherence to the Rules of Rock, and I applaud her for it.

In a way, this whole album is a throwback to the Golden Age of Rock & Roll (which, yes, was the 80s – suck it Eddie Vedder). “Daughters of Darkness” utterly gives me the chills; can you think of the last time someone other than an aging Glenn Danzig sang about anything remotely evil??

Bottom line: Halestorm is a great band that put together an amazing album. And they very much deserve the Grammy nomination for “Love Bites (but So Do I).”

Look guys.  Another photo

Ninja’s Note: 2012 was destined to be the year I learned my lesson about girls in music; initially album of the year was going to go to Florence + the Machine for Ceremonials…until I found out that Ceremonials was released late 2011. Oh well, sorry Flo. You kick ass up & down the block too.

 

Ladies' Fashion 101 (pt 2) - Furry Boots = Penis Repellent

OH sweet holy fuck - my first post of the New Year and I'm writing FASHION of all things again.  Off to a great start.

No, I have a couple topics I plan to cover during the first quarter that are much more interesting than this one - including the riveting conclusion to the Worst Band of All Time series - but in the interests of timeliness I'm doing this one first.  Just...it was Christmas shopping.  I couldn't swing my dick in public without clocking some dumb bitch wearing a set of furry fuckin boots.  Ladies, the trend that never should have existed in the first place is OVER.  Goddamn you people.

"Oh, this little ol' thing?  The Lone Ranger and I made it after we skinned a caribou.  Now hop on in here and...hey, what are you laughing at?"

Alright hookers, listen up because I'm talking directly to you right now [well, as much as I'm capable of, anyways...which translates to "talking AT you while I stare at your rack," assuming you have one]: enough with the fucking furry boots.  They don't work and they're not fooling anyone and they actually make most guys really pissed, which they'd freely admit to you if they weren't trying to sleep with you.

I am going to go out on a limb here and do something that none of your friends have the ovaries to do: I am going to play it straight with you.  I understand what you're trying to accomplish.  I understand the science behind this particular craze, as it's roughly akin to the concept of waist suppression in men's suits: you're attempting to make parts of you seem...more proportional [I deserve a Nobel Prize for the restraint I just used, you're fuckin welcome]...by altering the shape of another part of your body.  In other words, you're trying to make your hips seem narrower by making your calves and ankles wider.

Guys notice this.  It's like when we see you pull down your shirt or sweater.  It's an instant turn-off.  Why?  Because it reeks of insecurity!  Do you think there's a guy alive who sees a girl tug downward on their shirt or sweater and actually believes she's doing it because it's riding up too high or bunching?  FUCK NO!  We see that shit and we think "here's another dumbass who thinks it's easier to make a failed attempt at making her butt look thinner by obscuring it with another layer of clothing [brilliant logic there, btw, ladies] every five minutes than it is to lose five pounds.  I'LL PASS."

Same shit with the boots.  Unless you have a perfect physique - which shows no matter what you wear - we pick up on it immediately.  "Ahh...dangit.  Beautiful smile, great sense of humor...maybe she's a little big but I really didn't mind that...but she hates the shape of her body." Sorry girls, it's just how it goes.  We are hard-wired to be turned off by insecurity.

Truth: putting a pair of furry goddamn boots - or any other article of clothing - will NEVER in a million years make you into this:

No guy on earth is blind enough to mistake you for anything remotely close to her...or anything other than the truth, which is that a) you went to Payless Shoe Source and b) spent $28 on a pair of crappy boots featuring "fur" that looks like it came off a stuffed animal and now c) you're wearing what everyone else is wearing, and d) we're going to take off running just like all the other men in your life because we know how insecure you are.  You're part of the herd, congrats!  You might as well start mooing.

And regarding that one goddamn song from several years back (you GODDAMN WELL know which one I'm talking about, Miss Apple Bottom Jeans)? Should have been enough of a reason for you to never put on a pair of furry boots in your life. Shame on you.

And shame on any guy out there who ever took home a girl in furry boots.  You've helped perpetuate this bullshit that - much like the highlighted hair craze that's still fucking going on - should have died on the vine before it ever picked up.

This year is going to FUCKING SUCK.

SHIT.

- D.H.