So how badly do I hate this band? I think all you have to do is look at the time elapsed between my last post and this post. Why so long? Because I needed the time to develop and perfect a phrase to use to describe how badly I hate this band: I hate this band a massive shitting lot.
Even back when this band was considered to be edgy – as opposed to the corporate nostalgia act they’ve morphed into today – they were awful. But DH – how can they be truly awful? Musically, they’ve got skills. Their rhythm section is one of the better ones out there.
These are valid arguments. My only counter would be: Yeah, but have you listened to what occurs when Anthony Keidis opens his mouth? At no point during a RHCP song do I ever stop thinking: I would rather be inserting a gun barrel into my own mouth (ha ha Kurt jokes, still funny!) than being exposed to what’s coming out of his.
I realize he’s made attempts over the past few decades at singing and actually carrying a melody and what-have-you, and you gotta give the guy an A for at least making an effort, but come on. Let’s look at what he does the other 90% of the time when he’s not trying to sing. Insane freakish grunting? Check. Nonsense sounds? Check. Baby noises? Nailed it. Staccato-style Latin-flavored hip hop nonsense (he’s from Michigan, btw, from European and Lithuanian parents)? Awesome. Constant mispronunciation of basic words? WORK IT ANTHONY. Talk-rapping in his ghetto-speak like he’s trying to sell me weed? BOOM. Switching into Nasal Overdrive for a complete verse just to be an idiot? Knocked it out of the ballpark, weirdo!
Someone needs to put a stop to this man. ASAFP.
Enough. Either you’re with me or you’re not. Hopefully you are. Let’s examine some of their more well-known pieces of shit that I STILL GET STUCK HEARING AT LEAST ONCE A F*CKING DAY.
1. GIVE IT AWAY GIVE IT AWAY GIVE IT AWAY NOW – Wonderful. A slick, hip, youthful ode to the many known pitfalls of keeping one’s virginity intact. When I have kids I’ll be sure to force this piece of shit down their throats daily. “Young blood is the lovin’ upriser”…Keidis, I know you’re a fucking junkie and everything, but I gotta tell you – even I have never been high enough to get it into my head that the world needs to hear you describe post-rupture hymen blood.
2. UNDER THE BRIDGE – if I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard this song in my life, I’d kill myself, because no one wants to become independently wealthy by being Ear Raped daily. You are such a tool, Kiedis. Oh, PS, thanks for the slo-mo chest jiggling at the end of the video. Hey, my friend Omax will probably get mad if I write this and waste the chance to ask you something: do you actually pay Iggy Pop Image Royalties or anything like that?
3. SOUL TO SQUEEZE – I remember this Turd Sundae; I can’t recall if it was ever on an album of theirs as initially it was released as part of the soundtrack for the Coneheads film. Out of key singing, retarded lyrics, slightly-melancholy-but-not-enough-to-engage-anyone-who-isn’t-retard-high YEP! That’s Vintage Peppers for you. I always hate the way Keidis constantly teases us with lyrics that instill complete hope yet he never makes good on any of it in real life. “I might end up somewhere in Mexico…” We’re WAITING, ass. Now get under the bridge and stay there; your worthless life isn’t going to give itself away.
4. OTHER SIDE – "Pour my life into a paper cup/The ashtray's full and I'm spillin' my guts/She wants to know am I still a slut/I've got to take it on the otherside." I distinctly remember the first time I heard this line. I was standing in the middle of a restaurant at lunchtime waiting for my order to be called. This line plays. I say "OH MY GOD WOULD YOU PLEASE GO FUCK YOURSELF." I hate this song. Dani California is another one I should single out for being retarded, but instead I think I need to touch on:
5. CALIFORNICATION – Aww, how precious: a morality message from a guy who's spent most of his life whacked out beyond recognition on cocaine & smack. Eat me. PS - whoever came up with "Firstborn unicorn" deserves to be executed. Whoever decided to rhyme it with "Hardcore soft porn" deserves to be dipped in A1 and fed to hungry dogs.
6. AROUND THE WORLD – This one is my personal favorite, and by "favorite," I mean "I hate it more than any of the others." How many songs does this idiot need to use as vehicles to showcase the names of the many, many U.S. states he's familiar with? What a gem. I can't go on.
Inspired or not, I will quite literally do anything to make you think I'm quirky and interesting.
For these reasons as well as plenty of others that I’d type out here if it wasn’t so tedious and tiresome to think about the Chili Peppers, I am in support of sending the Hayabusa Death Squad after this band. What’s the Hayabusa Death Squad, you ask?? Oh, I’m so glad.
The Hayabusa Death Squad is an elite group of killers that I dreamt up back while I was writing the Coldplay section of my earlier post on Derivative Crap. Along the lines of Tarantino’s Fox Force Five, what separates them from other groups of elite killers is that – while each member of the squad has a specialty – all six squad members employ all six specialties simultaneously at the time of each assassination. Would you like to meet the Hayabusa Death Squad? I know you do. Allow me to introduce the Hayabusa Death Squad team members:
Fist McGee – punching.
Special Death Move: The Sternum Cracker.
Basically just a balls-out fist to the chest hard enough to set your sternum and ribs all free-floating.
Palvo – guns.
Special Death Move: the AT&T, aka Reach Out & Touch Someone.
Basically he just snipers the shit out of you. One minute you’re sitting there eating Chik-Fil-A, the next minute, your head’s gone. JFK would be a good resource if you’re interested in asking someone how jarring it must be to go out like this.
Ryu – the katana.
Special Death Move: the Folgers’ Decap.
In this move, he stands a few feet in front of you and in one fluid motion, steps forward, draws his sword, cuts cleanly and completely through your neck, replaces his sword, and steps back to his original position, all so fast that the victim doesn’t see it.
Ex-Girlfriend – the knife.
Special Death Move: the Backstab.
Simply put, while the victim is focused on Ryu, X (short for “Ex-Girlfriend”) sneaks up and stabs the victim in the back, piercing the heart.
Dr. Napalm – fire.
Special Death Move: the 9/11.
Dr. Napalm deploys a modified Super Soaker which he fills with his own special mixture of Vaseline and gasoline. The trigger is depressed, unleashing a stream of proprietary napalm up to seventy feet away at roughly six gallons per minute (note the Soaker doesn’t hold that much; I’m just describing the flow rate of the device). Upon releasing the trigger, a small gas pilot light ignites the tail end of the stream. Instant immolation, which I just realized would be a cool title for a death metal song.
Murdoch – the falling car.
Special Death Move: the Fedex.
Basically Murdoch flies a cargo plane at roughly a thousand feet over the scene and, just before the other five members spring into action, he auto-pilots the plane directly over the victim and, upon reaching the victim, he pushes an automobile out.
So basically, you simultaneously get the following:
1. Your head separated from your body via a sword.
2. Your head blown open by a sniper bullet.
3. Your heart pierced by a knife.
4. Your sternum broken and ribcage destroyed.
5. You get lit on fire.
6. A car falls on you.
Pretty awesome, right? Anyways, whatever issue we were just discussing? My vote goes to sending the Hayabusa Death Squad to solve it for us.
