The God-Damned Handshake
I guarantee both of these men are suicidal at this moment.
Jesus Christ, folks. Jesus Herbert-Walker Christ. I actually feel a slight degree of pity towards you all this morning in that – in spite of my intense hope that you would collectively decide to eliminate the practice of the handshake via a 2013 New Years’ resolution finally dying on the vine – yet again, I am going to have to take time out of my day and put together a post that should be common fucking knowledge by now.
Am I the Last Man Standing here, as far as analysis and critical thinking are concerned? Here are a few little factoids for you:
1. It seems every other year, the CDC warns us against a new strain of superflu about to emerge. The media gets hold of it, gives it a scary name.
2. You people go apeshit. Stock prices in companies who produce flu vaccines, hand sanitizers, antibacterial soaps, and Tamiflu go up.
3. In spite of the fact that even kids who go to public schools are aware of the fact that colds and flus are spread through contact with other humanoids…handshaking inexplicably continues.
Personally? I’m not scared of any of these superflus, because I a) take care of myself, b) don’t buy the media’s attempts to constantly villainize things like weather events and certain strains of microorganisms, and c) realize if I do get the flu, I have a great chance of missing a large chunk of work. When this happens, I usually take double the time I’m actually sick off. Party over here, fuck you over there.
I have friends who I’ve known for decades and I would trust with my life, and guess what? We’ve never once shaken hands. Ever. Has this in any way impacted our friendship? Not in any negative way, that much is certain. I would even go so far as to suggest that since this is a common thread in the overwhelming majority of all my most cherished relationships…could it perhaps be a factor in contributing towards how strong these friendships are?
Now, if I’m forced for political or diplomatic reasons to shake hands with some dude, I admit the first thing I do afterwards is go wash my hands, but that’s not so much out of fear of disease as it is knowing how many of you sweaty schmucks out there don’t wash your fucking hands after taking a dump. The reason I want handshaking to permanently disappear has more to do with the physical act itself. It’s literally the worst thing on earth, even worse than furry boots. For you ladies out there, who I’m sure have experienced a subset of the horror I’m about to describe, I will do my damndest to illustrate the depth of the suckage potential when it comes to shaking a guy’s hand.
<commence narrative>
You’re sitting there at your desk. Maybe you’re cruising around on Facebook, maybe you’re monitoring the commodity and/or equity markets, maybe you’re staring off into space; the point is: you’re minding your own fucking business. Suddenly a coworker’s face appears in your doorway. You’re suddenly on high alert: something is awry. This shouldn’t be happening. Also the coworker is smiling. That’s weird.
The coworker doesn’t realize he’s in the wrong place and leave. You have to fucking deal with this. FUCK.
You: “What?”
Idiot Coworker: “Hey, D.H…you got a second?”
You: “Fuck me. What now?”
Idiot: “We’ve finally hired [insert name of some other idiot who you don’t remember here]’s replacement. I’d like you to meet [insert name of new idiot here].”
New Guy: [his head suddenly appearing like a torso-less wraith behind the other idiot] “Hi, I’m [whatever name the other idiot just said], good to meet you.”
At this point the three of you embark upon a brief The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly three-way staring contest while your mind furiously races to put together your options. If New Guy takes a step forward, you are going to have to act, as it will mean he is coming in to shake your fucking hand.
Option 1: just fucking stab him and run. PROS: This will get you out of the handshake. CONS: You have a 60% chance that this act will cause you to lose your job (90% if you work in the private sector). Loss of job = no weed money.
Option 2: jump out the fucking window.
PROS: This will get you out of the handshake.
CONS: You will get cut up, and depending on how high up your office is, broken bones and possible death to boot. Also, you might not even have a window.
Option 3: the second he takes a step towards you, stand up, shove your hand down the front of your pants and make it obvious that you are pumping your crank.
PROS: Feels good.
CONS: Is no guarantee that you will get out of the handshake. In some parts of the country the likelihood of an ensuing handshake is reduced by less than half.
Option 4: fake a fucking seizure.
PROS: Will get you out of the handshake temporarily.
CONS: Will get you out of the handshake temporarily. Sorry, but this one just isn’t off-putting enough. Next time you see this chump, mark my words, he’ll go for another. Meantime, you’ll probably get sent in an ambulance to some doctor somewhere. Hey, speaking of doctors…guess who will probably try to shake your hand??
Option 5: just shake his fucking hand and get it overwith.
PROS: Will be over soon.
CONS: Will be fucking awful.
Once you begin considering option five, you realize two things: it’s the only way to put a permanent, reasonable end to the problem…but it’s going to be horrible. You blink once in a last-minute attempt to maybe wake up from a dream as New Guy takes a step towards you.
Now, there is something I must say: there is no known method to approach another man for a handshake that isn’t completely creepy and awkwardly sexual. Think of a time when you leaned in to kiss someone who was way out of your league for the first time and they allowed it and the enjoyment of the kiss became immediately eclipsed by the fact that the kiss was clearly being allowed out of sheer pity and absolutely nothing else (this scenario never happened to me, just FYI). That moment right before the kiss started, when you both realized that you were about to embark upon a dirty, pitiful journey that was now completely unwanted by both parties but you’d come too far to stop? THAT is what it feels like to approach another man for a handshake.
You try to size up your opponent. Is he going to be limp-fingered and clammy? Is he going to be one of those jackasses who were taught that the only way to shake a hand is to try to shatter the bones in the other party’s hand via completely unnecessary squeezing (you cowboy hat-wearing idiots are notorious for this)? Is he going to crank your hand sideways like that idiot who used to live next door to me?
Is he going to lock eyes with me and attempt to gauge my initial reaction and adjust the pressure accordingly? Am I going to – no matter how briefly – feel fingers sliding on my palm during the approach or the retreat? Is he going to do that retarded single head-nod thing some guys do just as the pumping begins? Is it going to be hard pumping, multiple pumps versus a single pump, am I going to have to get my elbow involved? Shoulda just stabbed this fucking idiot…new jobs aren’t too hard to find…
Eventually, the deed is done and, much like Elisabeth Shue’s post-rape shower sequence in Leaving Las Vegas, I run for a sink to wash my poor hand.
</end narrative>
The above horror happens in offices across the world, every single day. Now that I’ve hopefully raised some awareness, I have to ask: can we just get rid of handshaking?
I can think of a dozen ways this could happen; it can be as simple or as complicated as we want to make it. Americans seem to love limiting their own freedoms via new legislation; I would hope it wouldn’t need to go as far as outlawing handshaking (but won’t put up a fight if that’s how it has to go away). I would prefer:
1. The World Health Organization could issue a recommendation against handshakes.
2. Kim Kardashian could hold a press conference and state that she thinks shaking hands is unsexy.
3. The CDC conduct a study on spreading germs through handshaking and publish the results in an epic, borderline violent public education campaign.
4. Justin Bieber could be receiving a Grammy award and – after taking the statue from Will Smith with one hand and refusing to shake hands with Smith with the other – point out that handshaking is an outdated, antiquated, entirely unnecessary custom that he refuses to participate in unless there is a sink with antibacterial soap in his direct line of sight. Then halfway off the stage, he has an afterthought and comes running back to the microphone and points out that his refusal has nothing to do with the fact that Will Smith is black; he would have refused to shake hands with anyone. Jamie Foxx, Damon Wayans…anyone. Besides, Smith is pretty white for a black guy, all things considered, and [sound of Beiber being yanked off stage]
5. Donald Trump could come issue a public statement requesting that humanity increase the amount of handshaking we engage in (the Donald seems to get the opposite of what he publicly favors these days).
That’s just off the top of my head. Like I’ve said previously, I don’t care how it goes away as long as it actually goes. You got any suggestions?
D.H.
