People who know me in reality are often amazed by the fact that my daily commute is roughly five miles and yet I can get so worked up about the way you diarrhea-breathed simians drive that I've got flaming steam shooting out of my ears by the time I get home. Further compounding their amazement is that my commute consists of a relatively rural straight shot (approximately 75% of which is governed by a 55mph speed limit) with just a handful of lights. The cherry on top of the typical Amazement Sundae is that my commute times don't involve rush hour. We're talking 5:00am and 3:00pm here, folks.
This should tell you something, people. This should tell you how fucking terribly you drive. Your lack of consideration, common sense, and desire to survive are evident to EVERYONE, including those who a) barely drive anywhere and b) do it during off hours.
There are a small group of us among you. We are the professionally-trained drivers, the enforcers (police, sheriffs, CHP), and - as is the case with me - the traffic safety specialists. We marvel at your bull-in-a-china shop approach to the American roadways. We routinely wonder how you've made it this far without snuffing yourself out. And - yes - we would laugh ourselves half to death to see you reduced to a half-long red streak on a rural road some night.
Don't be yourselves. Try being me. I know that sounds like I'm maybe a little full of myself, and to be frank I have no fuckin clue why all of a sudden I'm trying to help any of you. I'm going to provide some helpful tips right now...and I'm going to get started without further preamble so as to not talk myself out of this (or, even funnier, give you bogus tips that'll help you fuck yourselves up quicker and in funnier ways). So here we go: some really, really bad habits that everyone on the American Roadway System should probably try to avoid:
Don't talk on a cell phone…even via Bluetooth.
Yup. This bitch's kids are gonna be orphans soon.
I know I’m ahead of the curve on this one, so bear with me. I realize the law says it’s legal to yak on the phone and drive provided you’re using a hands-free device. I will concur with that statement only to the letter, not the spirit…which implies that it’s also SAFE. It most assuredly is not, and in my personal life I encourage everyone I know to avoid using a cell phone while driving whether hands-free is involved or not. Except the people I don't like.
Rather than getting into the inner workings of the average humanoid mind, I’m going to provide a single comparison that should more than prove my point: phone calls and video games. Play enough video games and eventually some dipshit will call you in the middle of a game. What happens? Well, eventually, if the conversation goes on long enough…you pause the game. Why?
Because when shit gets hairy in the game, in becomes impossible to do both. You learn it over time whether you're aware of it or not. If you try to talk on the phone and continue your game, you’ll die (in the game)…or at a minimum, perform poorly.
The same goes for driving, folks. I’m almost sad I have to point this out to you. In fact, I almost didn’t: if you were only killing yourselves out there, I’d have let it go. But you’re also fucking other people up, and so here we are: yet again, I completely defy natural selection to better humanity. I hope you're grateful.
Don't be oblivious to blind spots.
See the black spaces? Yeah. Those are dangerous places to be, shit heads.
The fact that we need to discuss this one worries me about the future of humanity. We all know about blind spots! They are very real. I remember being in high school with a friend of mine (DC for Real, in case it matters). He’d just received his driver’s license, I’d freshly graduated from driver training. We were on a road and he intentionally pulled into the blind spot of a large white van. I looked at him. He said: “I know I’m in his blind spot…I just wanna see what happens.”
Sure enough: less than a mile later, the van attempted to change lanes directly into us. DC hit the brakes so hard we smelled rubber for the next week inside that car.
Blind spots. Everyone knows about them. Yet I can’t throw a rock out there without hitting one of you shaved apes lingering for extended periods of time in another vehicle’s blind spot. How is that even possible? How has the White Hand of Charles Darwin not completely weeded you fools out of existence?
I cannot emphasize this enough: DO NOT LINGER in BLIND SPOTS, or YOU will get FUCKED UP. Period. Here, I’ll break this down for you: When you are approaching another vehicle in an adjacent lane, the blind spot technically begins long before you’re in any physical danger. So let’s be adults about this and define a reasonable plan.
Technically, you’re not in any danger until the front of your vehicle breaks the imaginary plane running along and parallel to the rear of the adjacent driver’s vehicle; even if you’re an inch from that plane, if he changes lanes? You’re not going to get hit unless you do something retarded, like gunning it or steering into him or something.
So let’s say that our Danger Zone begins at that point: the plane defined by the rear-most point of the adjacent driver’s vehicle. Where does it end? Glad you asked, kemosabe: when does any blind spot end? That’s right: it ends when the other party is no longer blind to your presence. For our purposes here, it ends once the front of your vehicle is visible in the other driver’s peripheral vision. In other words: the driver’s side window.
Lastly, let’s use our minds a little bit here and take this concept to the next level: we’ve described how to get through a blind spot, or rather where it begins and ends. We’ve defined our Danger Zone. Now, as is implied by the name: when you are IN said Danger Zone…you’re actually in danger. So, do you want to lollygag, or do you want to spend as little time as possible in danger? I’ll let you figure that out on your own as well as the solution.
A valuable pointer for breaking the plane of another vehicle: watch the driver’s left hand. Why? Drivers tend to announce their intentions involving lane changes with their left hand even prior to signaling. Even drivers who don’t use their turn signals still tend to provide some sort of tell involving their left hand prior to changing lanes. They’ll slide it up or down the side of the wheel, they’ll suddenly stand their hand on the fingertips, etc. Watch the left hand. If it holds still, your chances of safely overtaking the other vehicle increase. Remember: accelerate until you’re at least visible through the driver’s side window…and ideally continue until you’re completely clear of the other vehicle.
Don't drive side-by-side with another driver for extended periods.
Go read about the concept of SPACE CUSHIONS, for Christ’s sake. I’m not going to waste your time or mine discussing a concept you idiots should have learned before you graduated sophomore year in high school. As unsafe as it is, it’s also completely impractical from the perspective of American Traffic Theory: our roadways need to be able to accommodate vehicles travelling at all speeds (within reason…I’m obviously not saying we should accommodate someone cruising around in neutral at 2mph but a CHP officer at 115mph? You betcha!)…when you travel side-by-side with another vehicle for any length of time, not only are you limiting your own options for mobility in the event of an emergency (tire failure, road debris, brake check by a vehicle in front of you, etc.), you’re also effectively blockading the potential for traffic flow. Or, in simpler terms, you make me fucking insane and I want to kill you in a way that would make Pat Bateman gag.
Don't make a habit of passing motherfuckers on the right.
Here is why this is a horrible idea: according to basic American Traffic Theory, the speed in each lane increases the further LEFT (towards the center of the roadway) you go. Your average Joe Driver, then, expects that traffic to their LEFT will generally be moving at a faster speed than Joe Driver. The flip side to this notion is that traffic to Joe Driver’s RIGHT will be moving SLOWER.
What exactly does this mean? It means that – again, according to American Traffic Theory – Joe Driver can move into the lane directly to his right WITHOUT CHECKING OVER HIS SHOULDER. Again, this is according to theory rather than reality, but think about your own driving habits in this context. I’m betting you’re much more diligent in checking your mirrors and doing a shoulder check when transferring to a faster lane than a slower lane.
I’m positive that if even basic studies were conducted we would learn that lane change+blind spot accidents involving some retard passing another retard on the right-hand side far outnumber the ones wherein the passing is conducted on the left-hand side. Unfortunately, your average CHP officer couldn't investigate his way out of a public used tampon hamper, so in most cases, details like these are completely overlooked, and even if noticed, are almost never documented.
This is why it’s a retard move to transfer to your right in order to pass someone. Also you look like an asshole.
The end!
Punch-fuck every single god-damned shit-eating one of you, forever.
