No, I have a couple topics I plan to cover during the first quarter that are much more interesting than this one - including the riveting conclusion to the Worst Band of All Time series - but in the interests of timeliness I'm doing this one first. Just...it was Christmas shopping. I couldn't swing my dick in public without clocking some dumb bitch wearing a set of furry fuckin boots. Ladies, the trend that never should have existed in the first place is OVER. Goddamn you people.
Alright hookers, listen up because I'm talking directly to you right now [well, as much as I'm capable of, anyways...which translates to "talking AT you while I stare at your rack," assuming you have one]: enough with the fucking furry boots. They don't work and they're not fooling anyone and they actually make most guys really pissed, which they'd freely admit to you if they weren't trying to sleep with you.
I am going to go out on a limb here and do something that none of your friends have the ovaries to do: I am going to play it straight with you. I understand what you're trying to accomplish. I understand the science behind this particular craze, as it's roughly akin to the concept of waist suppression in men's suits: you're attempting to make parts of you seem...more proportional [I deserve a Nobel Prize for the restraint I just used, you're fuckin welcome]...by altering the shape of another part of your body. In other words, you're trying to make your hips seem narrower by making your calves and ankles wider.
Guys notice this. It's like when we see you pull down your shirt or sweater. It's an instant turn-off. Why? Because it reeks of insecurity! Do you think there's a guy alive who sees a girl tug downward on their shirt or sweater and actually believes she's doing it because it's riding up too high or bunching? FUCK NO! We see that shit and we think "here's another dumbass who thinks it's easier to make a failed attempt at making her butt look thinner by obscuring it with another layer of clothing [brilliant logic there, btw, ladies] every five minutes than it is to lose five pounds. I'LL PASS."
Same shit with the boots. Unless you have a perfect physique - which shows no matter what you wear - we pick up on it immediately. "Ahh...dangit. Beautiful smile, great sense of humor...maybe she's a little big but I really didn't mind that...but she hates the shape of her body." Sorry girls, it's just how it goes. We are hard-wired to be turned off by insecurity.
Truth: putting a pair of furry goddamn boots - or any other article of clothing - will NEVER in a million years make you into this:
No guy on earth is blind enough to mistake you for anything remotely close to her...or anything other than the truth, which is that a) you went to Payless Shoe Source and b) spent $28 on a pair of crappy boots featuring "fur" that looks like it came off a stuffed animal and now c) you're wearing what everyone else is wearing, and d) we're going to take off running just like all the other men in your life because we know how insecure you are. You're part of the herd, congrats! You might as well start mooing.
And regarding that one goddamn song from several years back (you GODDAMN WELL know which one I'm talking about, Miss Apple Bottom Jeans)? Should have been enough of a reason for you to never put on a pair of furry boots in your life. Shame on you.
And shame on any guy out there who ever took home a girl in furry boots. You've helped perpetuate this bullshit that - much like the highlighted hair craze that's still fucking going on - should have died on the vine before it ever picked up.
This year is going to FUCKING SUCK.
SHIT.
- D.H.
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