1. Forum moderators. These are the same the world over, from Android forums to porn forums (or so I can only imagine). Basically OK, but they can feel like the Fun Police at times. Sometimes downright evil - like when we figured out that it was possible to strongarm Verizon into giving you unlimited data even after they "ended" unlimited data (hint: still possible) and they killed the thread, citing "fraud." You fuckin kidding me? You know that to run a smartphone with conservative usage on Verizon's network it costs like $90 a month minimum, right? And we're the ones being fraudulent? Riiiight...thanks for the unnecessary censorship, Darren Dipshit.
Usually, however, these guys are pretty benign.
2. Developers. These guys are, for the most part, OK. They could probably communicate a little more openly, respond a little more consistently, and maybe use a lesson or two in expressing your point through the written word, but hey - they're developers. Expecting amazing social skills from those gifted in the ways of computer code is a recipe for disappointment, surely we all know this by now.
These are the guys who bring you your custom ROMs, your custom themes, your hacks, your apps, and basically everything that makes your phone suck a little less than it did when Verizon finally permitted you to hand them $300 and two years out of your life in exchange for it. So cut them some slack...they're alright.
3. Excited newbies. This is where a lot of the facade that is the layman's perception of the "Android Community" starts to wear exceptionally thin: the newbies. These are the people who hop into the forum for the first time and end up stepping in shit because the Android Nazis say they stepped in shit. 99 times out of 100 has to do with a violation of some forum rule that no one knows or cares about (except the Android Nazi). These are the people who register, make their first post, probably expecting a friendly greeting, and end up getting their asses handed to them.
Owning a smartphone isn't a symptom of a person who has a great deal of time on his or her hands - quite the opposite. Smartphones didn't evolve based on demand from the lazy and bored. So - hear me out - do we really expect a smartphone owner to spend a lot of time perusing a forum for no reason other than to get acquainted with the etiquette of the environment? No, we do not. We expect your average smartphone owner to visit a forum when he or she has a reason to: namely, when he or she has a question they need answered.
Further, do we expect a smartphone owner - a type of person that we've already established doesn't have a lot of time on his or her hands - to arrive at the forum and ask their question? Or do we expect them to spend eight hours perusing the entire poorly-organized message board, making sure they're not posting a duplicate question, or starting a duplicate thread, or creating some other breach of imagined etiquette?
Seriously, I've seen some people talked to so poorly that I can only imagine that they immediately logged off, deleted their forum account, took their android device right back to the store and exchanged it for an iPhone.
4. Panicking newbies. THIS is where shit gets good. These are the guys who show up and - right out the gate - it's instant entertainment. This goes far beyond the excited newbie...while the excited newbie simply had a question, this newbie decided to take matters into his or her own hands and ended up fucking up in a major way. You can recognize them thanks to some commonalities they share: one, they will have posted less than five times total in the whole forum. Two, they will describe a problem with a phone, not necessarily theirs. "Anyone know what to do with a Droid Bionic that just exploded in my crotch?" ...that kind of thing. Finally: eventually their will be some mention of panic or a physical symptom you associate with panic. "Sorry for the typos, all...my hands are sweaty." "I feel like I'm going to throw up." That kind of shit.
These poor bastards are in a pickle: by trying to solve their own problem, they've typically voided their warranty. So if they can't fix their phone on their own? They're fucked and they need a new one! Hence the panic. Usually these guys don't get the same blistering response from the crowd as the excited newbie does, even if the panicked newbie manages to create a rift in the expected etiquette (spoiler alert: they always do). My theory is that - admit it or no - we've all done idiotic shit with our phones, and although I like to think the crowd shows mercy because the crowd is sympathetic, chances are it's due to simply being afraid someone will, one day, call them hypocrites.
5. These fuckin weirdos who seem to know a lot about the Android platform but never contribute anything other than snarky comments. Example:
Newbie: "Hey, all, at the risk of sounding like an idiot," (note how even the newbies have learned to front-load their questions with self-deprecation in order to lessen the wrath of the fuckin Android Weirdos who have nothing better to do than lash out at innocent questions) "...I'm trying to figure out _____ ___ ________. Any thoughts?"
Weirdo: "Can't you fuckin read, you IDIOT? Post 912, maybe wipe the shit out of your eyes next time."
or
Newbie: "Hi, ummm...sorry if this has been asked before, but...I tried to install this ROM and my phone caught fire. What did I do wrong?"
Weirdo: "READ THE ORIGINAL POST, then fucking go kill yourself."
Fucking weirdos. The Android forums are crawling with them. These are the guys who are the exception to the rule: these guys ARE the lazy and bored smartphone owner. These assholes have logged in thousands, sometimes tens of thousands of posts. You fucking kidding me, you pathetic piece of shit? Some poor bastard creates an account at your forum to find out why his phone is taking half a day to charge and, rather than just answering his fuckin question - like you've done tens of thousands of times before based on your number of posts - you bite his head off because someone else started a thread eighteen months ago with the same basic question and how-dare-he clutter up your precious forum with a duplicate thread? What, like he should have checked the whole forum since time immemorial just to make sure no one else had ever asked the same question? Do you know how long that would take (hint: he'd be able to charge his phone several times). Go fuck yourself, you're not fooling anybody.
So here's how I'm going to save the Android Community - all your questions (the ones that matter anyway) are going to be answered right here, by yours truly (that's a pretentious way of saying "ME"). You can forever leave the forums to these chodes to fight and bicker amongst themselves.
1. "Is Tasker (app) as good as everyone says it is?" Yes, but it sucks to figure out. Next...
2. "What's the most underrated feature of the Android phone?" The ability to make Nandroid backups and restore them with ease. Research this. Next...
3. "My battery life SUX, what should I do?" Accept the fact that you are going to be dealing with a phone charger at least once a day. You can try Juice Defender, but I always had trouble with it killing my data signal to conserve battery and being unable to reconnect. I did rig Tasker to do the same thing and that works just fine (FOR ME). The one negative you'll ever hear me say about Roman's AOKP ROM (aside from the fact that Roman may very well listen to Grouplove and like it) is that his power saver feature worked about as well as Juice Defender did - the data gets killed just fine, but resurrecting it is a NIGHTMARE. Next...
4. "When people spell 'sucks' as 'SUX,' it makes me homicidal." Me too. Next!
5. "Do I really need to keep my GPS turned off in order to save battery?" This is one of my favorite Android myths of all time. Absolutely NOT. Yes, GPS is a battery killer, and yes, if you are actually using an app which uses your GPS? Then your battery will suffer. The GPS "switch" on an Android phone simply permits apps that require your GPS access to it. That's it. Seriously - not to sound snarky, like one of our Android Weirdos - but the platform wouldn't have gotten very far if it was built by folks who decided that it needed a toggle to activate and burn GPS for no fuckin reason.
Here's an experiment - toggle your GPS to OFF. Then go drive around until you are good and lost in a really bad part of town. Now pick up your phone and act like you're talking on it, but drive real slow - like a lost person trying to figure out where he is so he can get directions. Once the locals discover your car and start approaching...tap your navigation widget and tell it to direct you home.
...fucking annoying, isn't it?? Adds like eight more steps. Sorry if you got carjacked but some lessons are invaluable. Just leave your GPS on. You'll be FINE. Next...
6. "I read the entire forum, start to finish. No one warned me that my phone won't charge in certain states. Thus, my phone died in the middle of flashing something. Now my phone is completely bricked and I can't get it to charge at all."
This is one of the very few posts I've actually written myself and posted in the idiotic halls of Android Society.
Originally posted by DroidHayabusa:
At risk of sounding like a crazy person, here is what I suggest - we all have learned there are certain bricked/soft bricked stages where a battery cannot charge. So if you plan to continue messing with ROMs and themes....
1. Get a standalone battery charger for your current (and all future) phone model. Expensive? You bet, but it makes up for it by being inconvenient AND wasteful.
2. Create an All-Purpose Holy-Shit-What-Did-I-Just-Do BATTERY (not phone) charger. Here's how, and you're welcome:
A. Find a used phone charger that you don't mind mangling a little. If your office recycles old cellular devices, this is a great place to start.
B. Check the OUTPUT (stamped on the plug somewhere) on the new charger; compare it to your existing charger. FYI, I like to see everything match, but have had success with voltage being off by 0.1 (mAs have always matched at 850 for me).
C. Cut the micro USB end (or whatever end fits into the phone) off, strip out the exterior insulation and locate the small black and red wires inside. Strip about a half inch of the insulation off each of these wires as well.
DANGER: Ladies, you may want to make sure you have a change of panties closeby; you're about to see my hand for the first time.
"So let's get a party goin/let's get a party goin/Now it's time to party and we'll party hard (party hard)..."
D. Remove the dead battery from your brick and lay the battery flat somewhere hopefully away from puddles, gas cans, gunpowder, etc. At this point you want your new MacGyver charger to be UNPLUGGED from the wall. Hook the red wire to the + terminal of your battery and the black to the - terminal.
E. Plug your charger in. Obviously unplug it immediately if something goes awry, i.e. a fire starts on your arm.
F. Let your battery soak up the juice for several hours. Obviously all basic electrical safety rules apply...if you don't know the basic rules of electrical safety, my super-attorneys and I insist that you go with option 1 above.
G. If you've done it correctly, when you stick the battery back in your phone you should be able to proceed. So there you go - two more options for when this happens next time. A safe, expensive option, and a cheap, kinda dangerous option.
Sent from my DROID BIONIC using DroidForums
7. "What's the best ROM if I'm going to move away from stock?" Eclipse, by Nitro. I would get naked with that dude if I could. Unfortunately, the number of devices on which you can run Eclipse is somewhat limited, so...next up I'd refer you to Roman's AOKP (Android Open Kang Project). Available on many more devices than Eclipse, and very good as well. Just keep in mind that if you donate to Roman, he may turn around and spend your donation on Grouplove music. You might be indirectly supporting Grouplove.
8. "What's the worst thing about any negative situation?" Not knowing when it's going to end. Think about it next time you're stuck in traffic on the freeway.
9. "What's worse than that?" Other people.
10. "You've answered all my questions, thanks. Last one - what's the best app for Android?" Any app that does what it says it will do is AOK by me.
____
You're welcome, Android Community.
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