In a perfect world, I'd be able to say without hesitation: Android versus iPhone? Nobody cares.
I was trying to manually lower my IQ the other day by hanging out at the Android forums yet again and – yet AGAIN – was reading what I thought would be a harmless news link someone had posted. While it’s true the link and subsequent article were harmless – there was a COMMENTS section.
Ninja's Note: a little something about me you might not know - I wish I were capable of skipping over the comments section. I cannot. Doesn't matter what site you're talking about; like a moth to the flame, I will read the comments section. It's beyond guilty pleasure...shit, most of the news articles I read are the guilty pleasure. Reading the comments is like watching a train jump a track in slow motion: as good as sex in a way, but far more risky and damaging.
Anyways – as I could have predicted and supported with a [winning] wager of my entire next paycheck – the comments d-evolved into an argument: iPhone versus Android.
People, people, people: this is one of those areas where a little bit of introspection and self-analysis would serve you well. Does it really matter if someone prefers a phone with different hardware than yours, or a different operating system?? Always remember one thing: the more choices that the cosmos makes available to you, the better. It is always this way. If the iPhone ceased to exist tomorrow, who would be the ones losing out? Answer: every single god damn humanoid on Planet Earth, because we will have lost a choice. Yet many of you (and I’m sorry to say it’s the Android folks – rather than the iPhone folks – who are primarily guilty here [hence the fact that the rest of this post - though both parties need to grow up - will be written as though I'm speaking to the Android users exclusively]) are simply not equipped to handle the fact that the iPhone is permitted to exist on this plane of reality.
I really don't understand. I've never owned an iPhone; I've had maybe half a dozen different Android phones, but never an iPhone. Does this mean I hate Apple? F no. If you gave me an iPhone I'd probably tinker with it for a while and eventually have a good time using the thing. It's just a device; it's not intended to symbolize good or evil. It's not meant to get people to draw battle lines.
Now. To those of you that quickly and willfully lash out at folks that speak favorably about devices other than the one you selected: let me go out on a limb here and analyze your problem for you: you are horrifically insecure. That’s all it is. What causes your insecurity? How the F would I know? ANALYZE YOURSELF A LITTLE BIT, it will be the best thing you ever did. Here, I’ll give it a crack:
1. YOU'RE A SHEEP: You have - on some level - bought into the Apple branding and propaganda and you believe the iPhone is the sleeker, sexier, hipper choice…or you fear that’s how others will perceive it. Hence the massive chip on your shoulder. OK, so – if that’s what you believe…then why’d you go Android? Examine that for a minute. If you couldn’t afford an iPhone and had to go with a cheapie Android device…so what? How’s that the pro-iPhone guy’s fault? Or…is there something else preventing you from going iPhone? Some ill-founded beef with Apple? Someone you know in your personal life that you don’t particularly like use an iPhone? Guess what, genius: NONE of these have to do with which device is the better choice for YOU. You have no one to blame for your bitterness than yourself. Suck it.
2. YOU'RE GUILTY: You got too excited while shopping for your smartphone and worry you may have pulled the trigger too quickly, without fully researching your needs and your options. We should know by now that a large downside but also a massive upside to the human condition is emotional response. Hence the joy and the excitement that kicks in when you’re about to explore something new, or travel, or for many people, selecting a new smartphone. That joy comes few and far between for most of us; we should take it where we can get it. If you’re just feeling guilty that you allowed yourself to pull the trigger on a relatively large purchase while in a state where excitement had completely eclipsed your ability to reason and deploy critical thinking? Get over it and quit worrying that the iPhone crowd is some cool, calculating group of folks that would probably kick your ass up and down the block in a poker game. They’re not. Many of them feel the same insecurity you’re now feeling. Here’s some even better news: even if I’m dead wrong, it’s just a phone, retard. It’s not like we’re talking a 30-year mortgage here.
3. YOU'RE PARANOID: You cannot be confident in your own decision without some nagging fear that the iPhone crowd possesses or knows something that you do not. Here’s a crazy thought – did you even look at the iPhones when you were shopping for your Android device? I’m betting those of you that fall into this category did NOT. Guys – it’s all the same shit. They make calls. They hold phone numbers. They run apps. They hold music and videos. They have screens. They’ll get you online. LET IT GO.
4. YOU'RE TOO PROUD: You actually are one of the few Android users who do not like your phone but you are incapable of admitting you were wrong, if only to yourself. Well, shit head, I got news for you – if you can’t admit to yourself that you are not happy with your phone, then I’m willing to bet that said phone is the least of your problems. And just so you know, shotguns come with trigger guards wide enough to fit your big toe in there for a reason.
I am making my own head hurt, so I am going to wrap it up. I am so tired of these clowns that leap all over someone else's shit for preferring something else (gasp). You see it everywhere; right-wing vs left-wing, Mac vs PC, Ford versus Chevy, PS3 versus X360 versus Nintendo. Go fuck yourselves. Everyone knows you're a complete fuckin baby if you can't listen to someone state the fact that they prefer something you DON'T have over the actual item you selected. You have your reasons, he has his reasons, now everyone get bent.
I am really trying to help you knuckleheads here – knock it off. You are fine, and your phone is fine. And if you know your phone is NOT fine, then go get a new one. You don’t need to rip someone’s head off for mentioning the word “iPhone” in a comment under an article that’s primarily aimed at the Android users, and vice-versa. If you enjoy your phone, then guess what? Nothing else should matter. Quit stressing out so badly about the other guys, OK? Worry about yourself and whether or not you’re genuinely happy in life (SPOILER ALERT: if you are angrily trying to convince someone on an Internet message board, chat room, or comments area that your phone is better than theirs? You are NOT HAPPY and you have much work to do before you die and completely miss out on the point of your own existence.)
D.H.
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