Up-and-coming musicians of the world, please take note: there will come a day where, for whatever reason, you will decide to seek other like-minded and like-spirited souls to try and determine if being in a band is the thing for you.
You'll start out by banging your way through some popular tunes that musicians of today can't help but to know, probably some Green Day, maybe a little Foo Fighters as it was with Nirvana back in the 90s.
Eventually, assuming the above exercise isn't an abyssmal failure, you will look to begin developing your own material. This is one of the most critical points in the development of your blossoming supergroup - it represents the point at which you will define your "sound."
Make a mental list of those musicians/bands that are so inspiring to you that you believe they've had an influence on your development as a musician. Strive to write original material wherein a bit of homage towards the folks on your list is acceptable, but no more than that. Remember, if they've truly influenced your playing, you've got your work cut out for you already - because you are already going to sound like them to a degree. You need to be cognizant of this at all times so you can control it. Remember - less is more when it comes to your influences. The more you sound like your influences, the less you sound like you.
Take a single artist that you like and whole-heartedly replicate their sound and songwriting style under the misguided notion that the airwaves are big enough for the both of you. Just like these assholes did:
I will never forget the first time I heard these dick holes on the radio, because my immediate thought was: "Wow, a new Sublime track...wonder why they didn't release this sooner."
So...do they sound like Sublime? Let me answer your question with a question: do they ever NOT sound like Sublime? From reggae foundations to hip-hop influences to a singer that apparently spent years taking Bradley Lessons, these guys can really do no wrong (unless you think thievery is wrong). I often wonder in situations like these if the band's decision to - let's get real here - become Sublime is founded in greed versus genuine appreciation. You know? Like do these clowns love Sublime that freaking much that they simply can't help stealing their sound? Or...more likely, I imagine...are these guys simply aware that Sublime gets daily radio action in spite of the fact that they haven't released a new track in twenty years? You can just tell these are just the kind of pussies who would sound completely differently if Bradley hadn't kicked the bucket because they would be too afraid that Bradley would show up and kick their teeth in. Look at them. Looks like Jay went on to form a band after breaking up with Silent Bob.
As it stands? Bradley's son is probably about full grown right now. I like to think one day soon he'll show up unannounced during a Dirty Heads show and beat the living shit out of the whole band, right on the stage. I'm talking guitars broken across necks, drumsticks poked through nut sacks, entire microphone stands rammed up assholes, etc.
Ninja's Note: so you don't misinterpret, I actually dislike Sublime. It might sound like I'm defending them here, but its really just a matter of disliking theives more than I dislike Sublime. Enemy of my enemy, and all that. K?
This Fu- Oops Sorry, Wrong Guy
Fuck me. With the possible exception of Dirty Heads, no one - and I mean fucking no one - goes out of their way to emulate their "inspiration source" (if one can suggest that inspiration and theivery are even remotely related) as much as this asshole.
Ninja's Note: I say "possible exception" because I don't really listen to Sublime. I recall enough of their music to feel comfortable declaring shenanigans on the Dirty Heads, but that's about it. But I do listen to Tom Waits.
This Walden asshole's ambitions go well beyond the level known as "intentionally emulating another artist." These ambitions streak right by the plateau known as "existing in another artist's shadow," and wind up approaching some "fairly-creepy Talented Mr. Ripley shit." Like if anything fishy ever happens to Tom Waits, I'm automatically pointing at least one finger at this asshole.
Let's get this out of the way - Tom Waits released his first two albums and then his voice changed dramatically. Some people like to suggest that he intentionally adopted a vocal style in the vein of Louie Armstrong. So how can I complain that this idiot has adopted a vocal style that Tom Waits took from someone else in the first place?
Easy: one, I don't buy that shit about Waits. He's a heavy smoker plus he was a heavy drinker back then and his voice was bound to get a bit more gravelly at some point. Two, if you look at Waits' entire body of work it becomes pretty clear the guy just does his own thing however he feels it should be done (I.e. "however the instructions from the Mother Ship dictate"). The goddamn guy bangs brake pads together for a percussion section and you're telling me he wasn't confident enough in his own vocal style that he had to steal one from someone else? Fuck you: not buying it. Third...the vocals are not the sound, nor are they the identity. Tom Waits has an identity that is completely independent of Louie Armstrong (and arguably the rest of planet earth...but that's a topic for another day). Want to know who does not have an identity?
Enter Jake Walden: a knock-off artist whose sole Lifetime Ambition and Plan - from what I can tell - is to a) wait for Tom Waits to die, b) change his name from Jake Walden to Tom Waits, and c) deny a & b if anyone notices and calls him on his bullshit. I know Elvis impersonators that would be wowed by this guy's ability to completely absorb another human being's soul and then wear it as though it's his own.
Seriously, y'all - this guy doesn't just try to rip off Tom Waits a little bit. He doesn't try to partially rip him off and then distract his audience from noticing with a completely different style of music. Nope, this fucker went for it. He went for it so hard it's like he's trying to intimidate us into not thinking anything. I'm surprised he didn't get plastic surgery.
If anyone out there is in the early stages of planning my Christmas present for 2012, here's something that I would cherish for years to come - I would love to watch this guy be forced to explain himself. Just sit him down in an interview setting, lock the doors, roll the camera, and unload.
Specific questions I'd like to have answered:
"1. What would you do if you woke up tomorrow and discovered a young up and coming nobody was blatantly ripping your style and sound off? Like to the point where it made you feel creepy and everyone was totally uncomfortable when they heard it?"
2. "How much time and effort did it take to force the normal-sounding vocal cords you were born with into submission such that you could better emulate another person's singing voice?"
3. "Wouldn't it have been better to just...sing? Like in your own voice? Forget wasting all that time learning how to impersonate Tom Waits. You never know...if you had, you might be much farther along than you are."
4. "If you were to get the living shit kicked out of you during an interview, would you prefer to know about it ahead of time, or would you rather the interviewer surprise you from out of nowhere with a sudden haymaker?"
5. "You know who I really like? Have you ever heard of Tom Waits? Exceptional, isn't he? Can you imagine how lame it would be if - instead of developing his own sound - he'd simply copied someone else's? Ha ha, you'd go from respecting the guy to wanting to punch him!"
6. "I bet if someone hit you in the neck real hard you probably wouldn't have to strain so badly to get that genuine Waits harshness in your voice. (That one's not a question, just an observation.)"
Fuck that guy. Next up:
OK, so...I don't know shit about these clowns other than the fact that I'm familiar with one of their songs. Just one. And it was enough to get them listed here. For those that don't know the song I'm about to refer to, that fact should at least partially illustrate how bad of an offender the song must be.
Picture this: five epic failures - much like the ones in the above photo...in fact, let's just make it easy and say exactly like the ones in the above photo - five epic failures hanging around in some bar somewhere at night. They could be celebrating, but I much rather think they're probably out trying to take their minds off the fact that they're not really that good as a band.
So after the table's downed about fifty drinks - actually I take that back, any one of those guys look like they'd faint before they finished a six pack - after their third drink or so, right as their feminine-looking member is working up the nerve to tell them that she's quitting the band to go back to Hogwart's...a song comes on the radio. Sweet Caroline, by good ol' Neil Diamond.
Now, one of the drunken failures - not sure which one but if I had to guess I'd say it was probably, uhh, the one who looks like he's probably better at math than the rest of his bandmates - theorizes about how all a band would need to "make it" is just to have one song that became a bar hit, like a cult favorite. Something like a - gasp - a Neil Diamond song. Cartoon light bulbs light up over at least four of the heads (not sure about the guy on the far left, he looks like he might need some flash cards or something).
Fast-forward to today - shit. Every goddamn day now I have to hear "Sometime around Midnight," the product of five schmucks sitting down to see whether they can write a song that is virtually indistinguishable from something Neil Diamond would have put out back in his heyday. And sing it like Neil (as close as a mere mortal can, anyways). Oh, fuck me. Just end it all. Please let this be the end of this post. Please let this be the last thing I have to think about today...
Fuck. Ing. Hell. I can't even talk about this one. Every day I have to hear Offspring songs like "Self-Esteem" and...what's that other one? "Keep em Separated," yeah. I guess that's what it's called. Anyways, the point is this: every goddamned day I have to hear these Offspring songs. These are songs that have - inexplicably - received DAILY PLAY for ALMOST TWENTY YEARS now. Jesus!
And now, guess what, the second coming is here - I get to hear crap from a band that seeks to sound like this overplayed miracle that is the Offspring: "Rise Against." DAILY. Why do you accept this so willingly, world?? FUCK FUCK FUCK, it's bad enough when I hear a new Offspring song...but at least they're the original act and not the fuckin rip-off artist. FUCK!
Well, I do believe that's about it. Oh, except wait! I forgot about my number one favorite Life Rule:
Never miss a chance to rip on Coldplay.
Want to know what an Official Coldplay Band Meeting would sound like?
"I like the verse here, and the chorus flows well, but...what about this part here? How should I play this part?"
"Well how would U2 play it?"
"What do you think of this idea, guys: band uniforms?"
"Well has U2 ever worn uniforms?
"Guys for once can we forget about U2? Come on...uniforms...let's put it to a vote!"
"Well does U2 vote or do they all just do what Bono says?"
---
If this doesn't stop...hmm. Where do I see this ending up...well, for one, we'll have more knock-off acts. And the knock-offs will start borrowing identities from bands I really don't like. I see a whiny Smashing Pumpkins-esque group in our not-too-distant future. If I squint my eyes real hard just before the blackness takes over I can see a...yes...yes it's all clear now...it's a fucking Red Hot Chili Peppers wannabe band.
Do you people want that shit? I fucking don't. Quit supporting these soulless pussies.
God DAMMIT.
You'll start out by banging your way through some popular tunes that musicians of today can't help but to know, probably some Green Day, maybe a little Foo Fighters as it was with Nirvana back in the 90s.
Eventually, assuming the above exercise isn't an abyssmal failure, you will look to begin developing your own material. This is one of the most critical points in the development of your blossoming supergroup - it represents the point at which you will define your "sound."
What You Should Do:
Make a mental list of those musicians/bands that are so inspiring to you that you believe they've had an influence on your development as a musician. Strive to write original material wherein a bit of homage towards the folks on your list is acceptable, but no more than that. Remember, if they've truly influenced your playing, you've got your work cut out for you already - because you are already going to sound like them to a degree. You need to be cognizant of this at all times so you can control it. Remember - less is more when it comes to your influences. The more you sound like your influences, the less you sound like you.
What Not to Do:
Take a single artist that you like and whole-heartedly replicate their sound and songwriting style under the misguided notion that the airwaves are big enough for the both of you. Just like these assholes did:
The Dirty Heads
"I-I'm/spread way too thin,
Gettin paid lotsa money because
BRAD-ley's dead..."
Gettin paid lotsa money because
BRAD-ley's dead..."
I will never forget the first time I heard these dick holes on the radio, because my immediate thought was: "Wow, a new Sublime track...wonder why they didn't release this sooner."
So...do they sound like Sublime? Let me answer your question with a question: do they ever NOT sound like Sublime? From reggae foundations to hip-hop influences to a singer that apparently spent years taking Bradley Lessons, these guys can really do no wrong (unless you think thievery is wrong). I often wonder in situations like these if the band's decision to - let's get real here - become Sublime is founded in greed versus genuine appreciation. You know? Like do these clowns love Sublime that freaking much that they simply can't help stealing their sound? Or...more likely, I imagine...are these guys simply aware that Sublime gets daily radio action in spite of the fact that they haven't released a new track in twenty years? You can just tell these are just the kind of pussies who would sound completely differently if Bradley hadn't kicked the bucket because they would be too afraid that Bradley would show up and kick their teeth in. Look at them. Looks like Jay went on to form a band after breaking up with Silent Bob.
As it stands? Bradley's son is probably about full grown right now. I like to think one day soon he'll show up unannounced during a Dirty Heads show and beat the living shit out of the whole band, right on the stage. I'm talking guitars broken across necks, drumsticks poked through nut sacks, entire microphone stands rammed up assholes, etc.
Ninja's Note: so you don't misinterpret, I actually dislike Sublime. It might sound like I'm defending them here, but its really just a matter of disliking theives more than I dislike Sublime. Enemy of my enemy, and all that. K?
This Fu- Oops Sorry, Wrong Guy
This Fuckin Guy Named Jake Walden
Fuck me. With the possible exception of Dirty Heads, no one - and I mean fucking no one - goes out of their way to emulate their "inspiration source" (if one can suggest that inspiration and theivery are even remotely related) as much as this asshole.
Ninja's Note: I say "possible exception" because I don't really listen to Sublime. I recall enough of their music to feel comfortable declaring shenanigans on the Dirty Heads, but that's about it. But I do listen to Tom Waits.
This Walden asshole's ambitions go well beyond the level known as "intentionally emulating another artist." These ambitions streak right by the plateau known as "existing in another artist's shadow," and wind up approaching some "fairly-creepy Talented Mr. Ripley shit." Like if anything fishy ever happens to Tom Waits, I'm automatically pointing at least one finger at this asshole.
Let's get this out of the way - Tom Waits released his first two albums and then his voice changed dramatically. Some people like to suggest that he intentionally adopted a vocal style in the vein of Louie Armstrong. So how can I complain that this idiot has adopted a vocal style that Tom Waits took from someone else in the first place?
Easy: one, I don't buy that shit about Waits. He's a heavy smoker plus he was a heavy drinker back then and his voice was bound to get a bit more gravelly at some point. Two, if you look at Waits' entire body of work it becomes pretty clear the guy just does his own thing however he feels it should be done (I.e. "however the instructions from the Mother Ship dictate"). The goddamn guy bangs brake pads together for a percussion section and you're telling me he wasn't confident enough in his own vocal style that he had to steal one from someone else? Fuck you: not buying it. Third...the vocals are not the sound, nor are they the identity. Tom Waits has an identity that is completely independent of Louie Armstrong (and arguably the rest of planet earth...but that's a topic for another day). Want to know who does not have an identity?
Enter Jake Walden: a knock-off artist whose sole Lifetime Ambition and Plan - from what I can tell - is to a) wait for Tom Waits to die, b) change his name from Jake Walden to Tom Waits, and c) deny a & b if anyone notices and calls him on his bullshit. I know Elvis impersonators that would be wowed by this guy's ability to completely absorb another human being's soul and then wear it as though it's his own.
Seriously, y'all - this guy doesn't just try to rip off Tom Waits a little bit. He doesn't try to partially rip him off and then distract his audience from noticing with a completely different style of music. Nope, this fucker went for it. He went for it so hard it's like he's trying to intimidate us into not thinking anything. I'm surprised he didn't get plastic surgery.
If anyone out there is in the early stages of planning my Christmas present for 2012, here's something that I would cherish for years to come - I would love to watch this guy be forced to explain himself. Just sit him down in an interview setting, lock the doors, roll the camera, and unload.
Specific questions I'd like to have answered:
"1. What would you do if you woke up tomorrow and discovered a young up and coming nobody was blatantly ripping your style and sound off? Like to the point where it made you feel creepy and everyone was totally uncomfortable when they heard it?"
2. "How much time and effort did it take to force the normal-sounding vocal cords you were born with into submission such that you could better emulate another person's singing voice?"
3. "Wouldn't it have been better to just...sing? Like in your own voice? Forget wasting all that time learning how to impersonate Tom Waits. You never know...if you had, you might be much farther along than you are."
4. "If you were to get the living shit kicked out of you during an interview, would you prefer to know about it ahead of time, or would you rather the interviewer surprise you from out of nowhere with a sudden haymaker?"
5. "You know who I really like? Have you ever heard of Tom Waits? Exceptional, isn't he? Can you imagine how lame it would be if - instead of developing his own sound - he'd simply copied someone else's? Ha ha, you'd go from respecting the guy to wanting to punch him!"
6. "I bet if someone hit you in the neck real hard you probably wouldn't have to strain so badly to get that genuine Waits harshness in your voice. (That one's not a question, just an observation.)"
Fuck that guy. Next up:
The Toxic Airborne Event
Why wait for Neil Diamond to die? Steal his shit now, fuck it!
(Neil Diamond better still be alive or I'm going to look retarded. I should check...)
OK, so...I don't know shit about these clowns other than the fact that I'm familiar with one of their songs. Just one. And it was enough to get them listed here. For those that don't know the song I'm about to refer to, that fact should at least partially illustrate how bad of an offender the song must be.
Picture this: five epic failures - much like the ones in the above photo...in fact, let's just make it easy and say exactly like the ones in the above photo - five epic failures hanging around in some bar somewhere at night. They could be celebrating, but I much rather think they're probably out trying to take their minds off the fact that they're not really that good as a band.
So after the table's downed about fifty drinks - actually I take that back, any one of those guys look like they'd faint before they finished a six pack - after their third drink or so, right as their feminine-looking member is working up the nerve to tell them that she's quitting the band to go back to Hogwart's...a song comes on the radio. Sweet Caroline, by good ol' Neil Diamond.
Now, one of the drunken failures - not sure which one but if I had to guess I'd say it was probably, uhh, the one who looks like he's probably better at math than the rest of his bandmates - theorizes about how all a band would need to "make it" is just to have one song that became a bar hit, like a cult favorite. Something like a - gasp - a Neil Diamond song. Cartoon light bulbs light up over at least four of the heads (not sure about the guy on the far left, he looks like he might need some flash cards or something).
Fast-forward to today - shit. Every goddamn day now I have to hear "Sometime around Midnight," the product of five schmucks sitting down to see whether they can write a song that is virtually indistinguishable from something Neil Diamond would have put out back in his heyday. And sing it like Neil (as close as a mere mortal can, anyways). Oh, fuck me. Just end it all. Please let this be the end of this post. Please let this be the last thing I have to think about today...
Rise Against
"Yup, don't fuck with us. We'll steal your sound."
Fuck. Ing. Hell. I can't even talk about this one. Every day I have to hear Offspring songs like "Self-Esteem" and...what's that other one? "Keep em Separated," yeah. I guess that's what it's called. Anyways, the point is this: every goddamned day I have to hear these Offspring songs. These are songs that have - inexplicably - received DAILY PLAY for ALMOST TWENTY YEARS now. Jesus!
And now, guess what, the second coming is here - I get to hear crap from a band that seeks to sound like this overplayed miracle that is the Offspring: "Rise Against." DAILY. Why do you accept this so willingly, world?? FUCK FUCK FUCK, it's bad enough when I hear a new Offspring song...but at least they're the original act and not the fuckin rip-off artist. FUCK!
Well, I do believe that's about it. Oh, except wait! I forgot about my number one favorite Life Rule:
Never miss a chance to rip on Coldplay.
Coldplay
"We did a smashing good job of washing Bono's car, didn't we, mates? Yeah, as soon as they're done getting their photos taken they'll talk to us for sure..."
Want to know what an Official Coldplay Band Meeting would sound like?
"I like the verse here, and the chorus flows well, but...what about this part here? How should I play this part?"
"Well how would U2 play it?"
"What do you think of this idea, guys: band uniforms?"
"Well has U2 ever worn uniforms?
"Guys for once can we forget about U2? Come on...uniforms...let's put it to a vote!"
"Well does U2 vote or do they all just do what Bono says?"
---
If this doesn't stop...hmm. Where do I see this ending up...well, for one, we'll have more knock-off acts. And the knock-offs will start borrowing identities from bands I really don't like. I see a whiny Smashing Pumpkins-esque group in our not-too-distant future. If I squint my eyes real hard just before the blackness takes over I can see a...yes...yes it's all clear now...it's a fucking Red Hot Chili Peppers wannabe band.
Do you people want that shit? I fucking don't. Quit supporting these soulless pussies.
God DAMMIT.
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