Dearest Recipient,
I would like to extend my sincerest apologies for last night. My behavior/comments were completely and utterly unacceptable by even the most barbaric of standards. I know this may come as some small consolation, but I wish to assure you that I have learned a lesson and this kind of behavior is never to be expected of me anytime soon again.
DAMAGES
First off, please be assured that any damages you may have sustained as a direct result of my behavior/comments - property damage, citations, impound fees, legal fees, etc. - will be paid for by me. Damages sustained as an indirect result of my behavior/comments will be addressed on a case-by-case basis. [Example: if I threw up in your car while you were driving me to Taco Bell, I'll pay to have the car detailed. If you crashed your car and are trying to suggest its my fault for throwing up, well think again, ass hole. Unless I puked in your eyes, you're on your own. Learn to drive under a bit of duress, it'll come in handy from time to time. Especially in this shit city full of foreigners with no insurance.]
INJURY TO FEELINGS
Now, let's talk hurt feelings: yes, I am very sorry to learn that I hurt your feelings. However, a formal apology is only issued in the event that I was speaking to you directly at the time. Example: if you approached and greeted me and I responded: "Man, Helen, you sure are a Rhino Cunt," then I apologize. However, if I was speaking to someone else at the time and you thought you overheard me call you a Rhino Cunt, then absolutely no apology will be issued. Maybe I know more than one Helen, you know? (FYI I absolutely do not, so fuck you, Helen.) Maybe you shouldn't be eavesdropping; that's what Rhino Cunts do.
INJURY TO RELATIONSHIPS
Now, what about damaged relationships? Obviously, if any of your personal relationships were damaged due to my behavior and/or comments, this apology seeks to cover that. I'm sorry your whiny, shallow, worthless, fair-weather friends are holding you responsible for my actions when in fact they should probably be driving you to my house so you can kick the shit out of me without having to drive yourself home afterwards. That's what my friends would do. Maybe instead of worrying about me apologizing you should be looking to trade up in the friend department.
CRASHING YOUR EVENING
Now, odds are good I won't remember this next part, so be honest: in the event we ended up in or around your domicile, who invited me? Specifically...did you invite me, or did I just show up unannounced? If so, that is covered by this apology as well: I AM SORRY.
REGARDING URINE
Now...I have to be a little blunt for this next part: was pee [urine] involved? I have to ask because it sometimes is. I hope for everyone's sake it was not, but if it was, then this apology seeks to cover that as well. Not so much the basic stuff, like a little splash around the toilet rim, or getting pee all over the seat or floor around the toilet [you spend 30+ years exclusively visiting men's public restrooms and you invariably begin to theorize that if men were expected to apologize every time they missed their mark, the world would screech to a halt with no room for anything save nonstop apologies].
No, this apology is more geared to those "Hey...who the hell peed on the cat?" -type morning-after moments. I am truly sorry if I peed on/onto/in/inside your furniture/houseplant(s)/houseguest(s)/litterbox(es)/Christmas tree/roommate(s)/appliance(s)/laundry (clean or dirty)/priceless photo album(s)/pets, or just in the event that urine was discovered on something valuable and/or cherished in general. Sorry bout that.
One caveat - if your complaint is that someone peed in a sink rather than a toilet, well, I'll apologize and also point out in a helpful fashion that if the sink's drainage was adequate you never would have noticed, so...you know. Oughta get that looked at before next time.
REGARDING CHILDREN
Now, were children - either your children or children under your care - present? If so, I am very, very sorry for the comments I invariably made in front of them. I further apologize for any "talks" you find yourself compelled to have with said child, perhaps decades ahead of schedule. I even further apologize for any unfortunate - but funny, you have to admit - permanent expansions of said child's vocabulary.
REGARDING VOMIT
I am extremely sorry if I vomited in or on anything precious to you. Just try and focus on the fact that vomit is like 98% (I forget the exact figure but that looks right) perfectly healthy, edible food, so...just pretend you spilled almonds on your bearskin rug or something. Hey...who has a bearskin rug? You know it's 2012...right?
Now, it's always possible that I made it to a "safe" zone before the vomiting occurred, and thus nothing was damaged, but maybe the sound of violent spewing upset the evening and put everyone off their drinks. Well, shit. What do you people want out of me?
I will apologize in the event the evening goes like this: I arrive at your house (invited or not), puke within the first five minutes, and then pass out somewhere. That sucks when that happens. I always wake up sweating bullets that I went on a total rampage and end up finding out I didn't do shit. Still...sorry for the lack of entertainment.
REGARDING RAPE- AND/OR DIET-RELATED HUMOR (AND OTHER JOKES)
Sadly, this has happened often enough to where it's actually more efficient for me to type this whole thing out and from now on just point people in this direction: sorry if I made too many rape jokes and sorry if I went around telling your guests to go on diets.
Not sure why either of those have happened more than once, but that's what I'm told...
Now what about specific insults? You're going to want to be extremely careful and weigh your risk/reward scenarios very carefully here, for one very good reason: I have been known to deal out some doozies when it comes to post-blackout insults...yet I will have no memory of any insult the following day. This means that, unless there were witnesses, you are the only person who has any inkling what I said. Do you really want to bring another person into that particular loop? I mean, if the insult bothered you enough to where you want an apology, its obviously grounded in one form of reality or another...do you really want to indirectly admit to me that you're completely ashamed of your disgusting, shameful, ugly cankles by insisting on an apology? Especially when the alternative is to force yourself to let it go, thus maintaining the public illusion that you're fine with the way you look. Well, think about it. I certainly would. Just remember this one thing: until you tell another living soul, it's as though the insult never happened. Isn't that the ideal outcome?
REGARDING YOUR (PROBABLY) EMPTY LIQUOR CABINET
Go ahead and check...I'll wait right here. You back? Good, here goes: I am sorry that I either partially or completely emptied your liquor cabinet. Rather than reimburse you (which simply addresses your current damages but leaves you and your liquor cabinet exposed to future losses), I will use this as a teaching moment (you'll thank me) -
You need a dummy liquor cabinet. That's all there is to it. You need to put one, maybe two moderately-priced bottles of liquor into the single most obvious "liquor cabinet" inside your home (a dusty bottle of the cheapest champagne you can find is also a nice, realistic touch). Now, for the real stash: find a handy place and load it up with liquor. A Moment of Pure Truth: under your bed is not only convenient but, if you're a lady, I guarantee you'll find your next husband that way. Anyways, yeah...loads of booze, anything you might possibly want. Leave the crap in your "liquor cabinet" to the blacked-out bozos who show up unannounced and start ransacking your shit. You can be calmly sipping the good stuff the whole time, content in the knowledge that you'll be out $40 tops, even if the drunkard wipes out your cabinet entirely.
You're welcome.
Now on to some fairly big-ticket line items:
REGARDING FIRES:
If the fire was in your home: I am very, truly, sincerely sorry for causing a fire in your home. Hope you've been diligent about checking your smoke detectors. Hey, here's something I just thought of - now we know (if you've been diligent enough)! So, you know...silver lining. All that.
If the fire was around your home: I am outlandishly sorry for causing a fire around your home. However...quite honestly there are many more valid-sounding excuses a person could come up with for why they started a fire in an outdoor setting versus an indoor one. I'm choosing to be honest rather than employing an excuse that would, quite honestly, probably fly. So, you know. You're welcome.
If the fire was inside your car: I am as sorry as ever for causing a fire inside your car. Being that I quit smoking almost a year ago, I can only imagine what we were doing. So, yes, you must have had a part in it too. But I'll still apologize. Fires in cars can kiss my balls.
If the fire was on your person: oh, settle down, I can guarantee you (if you are most people) that this was an accident. You didn't see me demanding an apology from DC when that crazy mother fucker lit me on fire and I had to spend my freshman year in Ninja Academy with hairless legs covered in bandages and scabs. Lighten up. ACCIDENTS HAPPEN, you flaming pussy.
REGARDING MOTOR VEHICLES:
If the motor vehicle was yours: I am very sorry I caused a massive disturbance with your vehicle.
If the vehicle was taken with your permission: I am sorry that your car was involved in an incident of some sort while under my responsibility. Hopefully, if nothing else, this unpleasantness will serve as a reminder in the future: if you're going to insist on an apology over a particular object being involved in an incident...might be wise to not loan that object out.
If the vehicle was taken without your permission: Words cannot express my feelings of apology as well as my gratitude for your gracious choice to not contact law enforcement (or at least not contacting them and pointing them in my direction). You have always been a good friend, [insert your name here], one of my only true friends. I will find a way to make this up to you one day or I will die trying!
If the vehicle was involved in an accident: I am extra-sorry for that. I have insurance, just help me fabricate a good story that we can both live with.
If the vehicle was involved in a crime: I am sorry that your car was used in a crime. I am more than willing to trade license plates with you temporarily. Unless it's murder. And if that's the case...do you have an alibi?
If the vehicle is now someplace it shouldn't be (i.e. "upside-down on your front lawn," for example, or "parked on Chris Martin's ribs"): I am sorry that your car is [insert inappropriate location here]. If you say it was me, then I believe you, even though we can never really know who did it. They just don't have the technology for that kind of thing.
If the vehicle now reeks of [insert name of presumably bad-smelling odor here]: Well, OK, sorry...I guess. I mean in the big scheme of things, you could be a lot worse off right now than just having a car that maybe smells like zoo feces or amyl nitrate. You could be a person of interest in The Case of the Car Parked on the Coldplay Singer's Ribs. So I'll apologize but quit being a baby about things.
If the motor vehicle was not yours: Why am I talking to you? Whose car was it? Do I need to come up with a new name and appearance in a hurry or are they cool?
REGARDING FAMILY HEIRLOOMS:
I am, without question, sorrier than I've ever been in my sorry, sorry life to learn that I broke/sold/vandalized/dry-humped/ate your [insert precious heirloom here]. It fills me with an endless grief and remorse to know that I've not only harmed you, but future generations of your family will suffer as well because of me and my poor behavior.
However, I would make a slight, barely-noticeable proposal (if you will allow it) - have you ever had your DNA tested? I realize this is a touchy issue, but if you think about it: you're on the verge of ending a (presumably decent) friendship over a family heirloom, right? And this is something that would cease to be an issue if this object turned out to be an heirloom from a family that was not your own...correct?
I would humbly suggest that you look into getting your DNA tested, just to be safe. Just to confirm that Aunt Eva's brooch really belonged to your aunt. Just to be sure that Uncle Adolf's 7.65mm PPK really belonged to your uncle. Then we'll know for sure, and everyone will be friends again.
---
IN summary, I wish to state my profound regret for any of the above actions or comments that may have occured last night. I also wish to state FUCK CHRIS MARTIN. I mean LOOK AT HIM. FUCK. Why do you people put up with this goofy-eyed Bono-wannabe mother fucker? YOU MAKE ME DRINK, AMERICA. FUCK!
I would like to extend my sincerest apologies for last night. My behavior/comments were completely and utterly unacceptable by even the most barbaric of standards. I know this may come as some small consolation, but I wish to assure you that I have learned a lesson and this kind of behavior is never to be expected of me anytime soon again.
DAMAGES
First off, please be assured that any damages you may have sustained as a direct result of my behavior/comments - property damage, citations, impound fees, legal fees, etc. - will be paid for by me. Damages sustained as an indirect result of my behavior/comments will be addressed on a case-by-case basis. [Example: if I threw up in your car while you were driving me to Taco Bell, I'll pay to have the car detailed. If you crashed your car and are trying to suggest its my fault for throwing up, well think again, ass hole. Unless I puked in your eyes, you're on your own. Learn to drive under a bit of duress, it'll come in handy from time to time. Especially in this shit city full of foreigners with no insurance.]
INJURY TO FEELINGS
Now, let's talk hurt feelings: yes, I am very sorry to learn that I hurt your feelings. However, a formal apology is only issued in the event that I was speaking to you directly at the time. Example: if you approached and greeted me and I responded: "Man, Helen, you sure are a Rhino Cunt," then I apologize. However, if I was speaking to someone else at the time and you thought you overheard me call you a Rhino Cunt, then absolutely no apology will be issued. Maybe I know more than one Helen, you know? (FYI I absolutely do not, so fuck you, Helen.) Maybe you shouldn't be eavesdropping; that's what Rhino Cunts do.
INJURY TO RELATIONSHIPS
Now, what about damaged relationships? Obviously, if any of your personal relationships were damaged due to my behavior and/or comments, this apology seeks to cover that. I'm sorry your whiny, shallow, worthless, fair-weather friends are holding you responsible for my actions when in fact they should probably be driving you to my house so you can kick the shit out of me without having to drive yourself home afterwards. That's what my friends would do. Maybe instead of worrying about me apologizing you should be looking to trade up in the friend department.
CRASHING YOUR EVENING
Now, odds are good I won't remember this next part, so be honest: in the event we ended up in or around your domicile, who invited me? Specifically...did you invite me, or did I just show up unannounced? If so, that is covered by this apology as well: I AM SORRY.
REGARDING URINE
Now...I have to be a little blunt for this next part: was pee [urine] involved? I have to ask because it sometimes is. I hope for everyone's sake it was not, but if it was, then this apology seeks to cover that as well. Not so much the basic stuff, like a little splash around the toilet rim, or getting pee all over the seat or floor around the toilet [you spend 30+ years exclusively visiting men's public restrooms and you invariably begin to theorize that if men were expected to apologize every time they missed their mark, the world would screech to a halt with no room for anything save nonstop apologies].
No, this apology is more geared to those "Hey...who the hell peed on the cat?" -type morning-after moments. I am truly sorry if I peed on/onto/in/inside your furniture/houseplant(s)/houseguest(s)/litterbox(es)/Christmas tree/roommate(s)/appliance(s)/laundry (clean or dirty)/priceless photo album(s)/pets, or just in the event that urine was discovered on something valuable and/or cherished in general. Sorry bout that.
One caveat - if your complaint is that someone peed in a sink rather than a toilet, well, I'll apologize and also point out in a helpful fashion that if the sink's drainage was adequate you never would have noticed, so...you know. Oughta get that looked at before next time.
REGARDING CHILDREN
Now, were children - either your children or children under your care - present? If so, I am very, very sorry for the comments I invariably made in front of them. I further apologize for any "talks" you find yourself compelled to have with said child, perhaps decades ahead of schedule. I even further apologize for any unfortunate - but funny, you have to admit - permanent expansions of said child's vocabulary.
REGARDING VOMIT
I am extremely sorry if I vomited in or on anything precious to you. Just try and focus on the fact that vomit is like 98% (I forget the exact figure but that looks right) perfectly healthy, edible food, so...just pretend you spilled almonds on your bearskin rug or something. Hey...who has a bearskin rug? You know it's 2012...right?
Now, it's always possible that I made it to a "safe" zone before the vomiting occurred, and thus nothing was damaged, but maybe the sound of violent spewing upset the evening and put everyone off their drinks. Well, shit. What do you people want out of me?
I will apologize in the event the evening goes like this: I arrive at your house (invited or not), puke within the first five minutes, and then pass out somewhere. That sucks when that happens. I always wake up sweating bullets that I went on a total rampage and end up finding out I didn't do shit. Still...sorry for the lack of entertainment.
REGARDING RAPE- AND/OR DIET-RELATED HUMOR (AND OTHER JOKES)
Sadly, this has happened often enough to where it's actually more efficient for me to type this whole thing out and from now on just point people in this direction: sorry if I made too many rape jokes and sorry if I went around telling your guests to go on diets.
Not sure why either of those have happened more than once, but that's what I'm told...
Now what about specific insults? You're going to want to be extremely careful and weigh your risk/reward scenarios very carefully here, for one very good reason: I have been known to deal out some doozies when it comes to post-blackout insults...yet I will have no memory of any insult the following day. This means that, unless there were witnesses, you are the only person who has any inkling what I said. Do you really want to bring another person into that particular loop? I mean, if the insult bothered you enough to where you want an apology, its obviously grounded in one form of reality or another...do you really want to indirectly admit to me that you're completely ashamed of your disgusting, shameful, ugly cankles by insisting on an apology? Especially when the alternative is to force yourself to let it go, thus maintaining the public illusion that you're fine with the way you look. Well, think about it. I certainly would. Just remember this one thing: until you tell another living soul, it's as though the insult never happened. Isn't that the ideal outcome?
REGARDING YOUR (PROBABLY) EMPTY LIQUOR CABINET
Go ahead and check...I'll wait right here. You back? Good, here goes: I am sorry that I either partially or completely emptied your liquor cabinet. Rather than reimburse you (which simply addresses your current damages but leaves you and your liquor cabinet exposed to future losses), I will use this as a teaching moment (you'll thank me) -
You need a dummy liquor cabinet. That's all there is to it. You need to put one, maybe two moderately-priced bottles of liquor into the single most obvious "liquor cabinet" inside your home (a dusty bottle of the cheapest champagne you can find is also a nice, realistic touch). Now, for the real stash: find a handy place and load it up with liquor. A Moment of Pure Truth: under your bed is not only convenient but, if you're a lady, I guarantee you'll find your next husband that way. Anyways, yeah...loads of booze, anything you might possibly want. Leave the crap in your "liquor cabinet" to the blacked-out bozos who show up unannounced and start ransacking your shit. You can be calmly sipping the good stuff the whole time, content in the knowledge that you'll be out $40 tops, even if the drunkard wipes out your cabinet entirely.
You're welcome.
Now on to some fairly big-ticket line items:
REGARDING FIRES:
If the fire was in your home: I am very, truly, sincerely sorry for causing a fire in your home. Hope you've been diligent about checking your smoke detectors. Hey, here's something I just thought of - now we know (if you've been diligent enough)! So, you know...silver lining. All that.
If the fire was around your home: I am outlandishly sorry for causing a fire around your home. However...quite honestly there are many more valid-sounding excuses a person could come up with for why they started a fire in an outdoor setting versus an indoor one. I'm choosing to be honest rather than employing an excuse that would, quite honestly, probably fly. So, you know. You're welcome.
If the fire was inside your car: I am as sorry as ever for causing a fire inside your car. Being that I quit smoking almost a year ago, I can only imagine what we were doing. So, yes, you must have had a part in it too. But I'll still apologize. Fires in cars can kiss my balls.
If the fire was on your person: oh, settle down, I can guarantee you (if you are most people) that this was an accident. You didn't see me demanding an apology from DC when that crazy mother fucker lit me on fire and I had to spend my freshman year in Ninja Academy with hairless legs covered in bandages and scabs. Lighten up. ACCIDENTS HAPPEN, you flaming pussy.
REGARDING MOTOR VEHICLES:
If the motor vehicle was yours: I am very sorry I caused a massive disturbance with your vehicle.
If the vehicle was taken with your permission: I am sorry that your car was involved in an incident of some sort while under my responsibility. Hopefully, if nothing else, this unpleasantness will serve as a reminder in the future: if you're going to insist on an apology over a particular object being involved in an incident...might be wise to not loan that object out.
If the vehicle was taken without your permission: Words cannot express my feelings of apology as well as my gratitude for your gracious choice to not contact law enforcement (or at least not contacting them and pointing them in my direction). You have always been a good friend, [insert your name here], one of my only true friends. I will find a way to make this up to you one day or I will die trying!
If the vehicle was involved in an accident: I am extra-sorry for that. I have insurance, just help me fabricate a good story that we can both live with.
If the vehicle was involved in a crime: I am sorry that your car was used in a crime. I am more than willing to trade license plates with you temporarily. Unless it's murder. And if that's the case...do you have an alibi?
If the vehicle is now someplace it shouldn't be (i.e. "upside-down on your front lawn," for example, or "parked on Chris Martin's ribs"): I am sorry that your car is [insert inappropriate location here]. If you say it was me, then I believe you, even though we can never really know who did it. They just don't have the technology for that kind of thing.
If the vehicle now reeks of [insert name of presumably bad-smelling odor here]: Well, OK, sorry...I guess. I mean in the big scheme of things, you could be a lot worse off right now than just having a car that maybe smells like zoo feces or amyl nitrate. You could be a person of interest in The Case of the Car Parked on the Coldplay Singer's Ribs. So I'll apologize but quit being a baby about things.
Even I don't know why no one's ever bothered to try and park a car on my ribs!
If the motor vehicle was not yours: Why am I talking to you? Whose car was it? Do I need to come up with a new name and appearance in a hurry or are they cool?
REGARDING FAMILY HEIRLOOMS:
I am, without question, sorrier than I've ever been in my sorry, sorry life to learn that I broke/sold/vandalized/dry-humped/ate your [insert precious heirloom here]. It fills me with an endless grief and remorse to know that I've not only harmed you, but future generations of your family will suffer as well because of me and my poor behavior.
However, I would make a slight, barely-noticeable proposal (if you will allow it) - have you ever had your DNA tested? I realize this is a touchy issue, but if you think about it: you're on the verge of ending a (presumably decent) friendship over a family heirloom, right? And this is something that would cease to be an issue if this object turned out to be an heirloom from a family that was not your own...correct?
I would humbly suggest that you look into getting your DNA tested, just to be safe. Just to confirm that Aunt Eva's brooch really belonged to your aunt. Just to be sure that Uncle Adolf's 7.65mm PPK really belonged to your uncle. Then we'll know for sure, and everyone will be friends again.
---
IN summary, I wish to state my profound regret for any of the above actions or comments that may have occured last night. I also wish to state FUCK CHRIS MARTIN. I mean LOOK AT HIM. FUCK. Why do you people put up with this goofy-eyed Bono-wannabe mother fucker? YOU MAKE ME DRINK, AMERICA. FUCK!
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