The Most Infuriating Thing People Regularly Say.

This is going to be a simple one.

My most hated expression of 2013 (a year which is only four weeks old, which should give you an idea of the epidemic we're facing):

"TO BE HONEST WITH YOU..."

Ninja's Note: I would like to specify that I include all variations of this prelude in what I'm discussing here.  "Honestly," "If I can be honest for a moment," etc.  That kind of horse-fuck.

I'm sorry...is it not public domain, common-fucking-human knowledge that - when you insist on shoehorning the above into your sentences - you suddenly make the listener(s) suspect that you have varying degrees of honesty in your speech? How has that not occured to so many of you fucking monkey-parrots yet?

I will take it a step further: what kind of mentality thinks they need to work that of all things into their daily speech? What kind of shady dickshit thinks they need to front-load certain statements with a qualifier indicating that they're not lying right now? I suggest we immediately and violently suspend all relations with these freaks and call the men in white coats to come conduct a study or two.

Now, I anticipate some of us well-meaning folks have been guilty of using the above expression (or a variation) in a recreational fashion (as opposed to you habitual users for which there is no hope) without realizing the implications. Well, now you realize the implications: you sound somewhere between a liar and an insane person. In the future, say something to the effect of "if I can speak candidly," or "if I can be blunt." Something to that effect. Or - even better - just say what's on your fucking mind already without trying to smarten up your speech by cramming a shitload of unnecessary words into it.

Runner up expression: "IT IS WHAT IT IS." Really? You're telling me that a phrase evolves that permits the user to effortlessly sound like an authority (if not expert) in whatever is being discussed in five words and our nation full of asshole redneck know-it-alls gobbles that shit up like bacon? Oh, even better: the five words don't actually say anything. Here's a translation for you: "The inherent (sometimes defining) properties of X - which by the way I cannot be bothered to explain or demonstrate even the slightest knowledge or understanding of - exist as they are, cannot be changed, and are to an extent responsible for the situation currently under discussion. Ho hum."

If I haven't blown my brains out by 2014 it will be a fucking miracle.

Think about what you say, people. For the love of Zod.

"Planet Houston is in grave danger if people don't start taking a harder look at themselves."

 

Kiss my dick,

 

D.H.