THE Worst Band of All Time

Well, folks, finally we are here.  The worst band of all time.  I have to say: this was a different kind of fun than the "Best Band" series.  And - I'll admit it - not as much fun as I'd hoped it would be.  I really thought I was setting myself up to be able to swing for the fences AND have fun doing it.  In hindsight, though: here's the thing I realized:

I'm serious about this.  So while I have no problem poking fun at Red Hot Chili Peppers or Metallica...they seriously piss me off.  There is a genuine negative feeling I get from these chumps and - as it turns out - I seriously don't like it.  Puts a serious crimp in the overall fun potential.

But!  My job is not to have fun.  Fun may be had as a by-product, but my job is to help illuminate the world for you, my fair reader.  So, with that said - let's begin with the most irksome, nauseating, generally annoying experience I've had thus far.  Let's talk about:

Fuck you guys.  Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you fuck you fuck you.  FUCK YOU GUYS.  I will now provide my reasons why I hate this band and enough supporting evidence to gag a starving horse:

1. Pearl Jam helped to define a "movement" that they didn't even belong in.

These guys were pretty-boy posers riding the tail end of the glam rock trend. Only thing they had going in their favor is that they figured out what was going on around them & started wearing flannels in time to jump from the derailing glam train onto the grunge clown car. Oh, you're one of those sticklers that wants supporting evidence?  FINE.

This hot chick has a pout the likes of which I haven't seen since vintage Bret Michaels.

See what I'm saying?  It was this at first, then suddenly groups like Motley Crue couldn't sell a fuckin record and the next thing you know, boner up there's sporting baggy camo jackets and suddenly unable to speak without mumbling.  Fuck you, poser.  You're not fooling anyone.  OK, scratch that - you fooled everyone.  Except me and maybe a few other guys.

2.  Their music is Bushleague at best.  (sorry Eddie, had to)

Guys had marginal musical talent at best and their songwriting talent - on the musical side - ranges somewhere between "non-existant" and "few & far between."  They do have the occasional non-worthless track; I seem to recall not hating "Black" the first time I heard it, and "rearviewmirror" wasn't an embarassment although it seemed a little too inspired by Fugazi (a band which, as time would tell, PJ clearly envied from an independence and integrity perspective).

You know what bothers me?  Listening to a riff and not being able to tell almost immediately if we're talking major key (happy, think the chord progression in Green Day's "Basket Case") or minor key (sad or dark...think anything by Metallica).  Pearl Jam's riffs and songwriting suffer so badly from this that it forced me to invent a new term to describe them: "musically androgynous."  Listen to the opening riff of "Alive" for an idea of what I'm talking about.

3. They care more about their constituent's I mean fans' opinions of them than they do about making good music.

There are people that dream of being rock stars. There are people that dream of having the talent to make the world a better place through music. What you have in Pearl Jam is a group of people that are treating this dream job like a part-time job. Guys, when you feel the need to side with every cause in the world around you, you end up spread pretty thin.

Crohn’s Disease. President Bush. The pro-life crowd. Ticketmaster. Republicans. The fact that you have a Bandwide Carbon Neutral Policy. Guys – if you wanted to be politicians and/or environmentalists and/or lobbyists, guess what? You should have been politicians or lobbyists. For Christ’s sake, for every article you have published containing all your views on abortion (like it matters), I’ll show you a Pearl Jam song that could have been structured in a more interesting way or one that never made it past what I would consider the “rough draft” phase of the mixing process.

YOUR FULL TIME JOB SUFFERS WHEN YOU EMBARK ON INCESSANT – AND UNNECESSARY – SIDE PROJECTS.

Seriously - how long would you tolerate the following example: Senator Barack Obama is elected to the Office of the President.  About a month into his term, he announces an eight-week sabbatical to write the novel he's always wanted to write; a gritty, raw cop story that he would classify as "urban fiction."  Vice President Biden is left in charge.

After returning to his elected post, President Obama then announces that, for the next two-and-a-half-months, diplomatic relations must be suspended as he (Obama) will be unable to travel, as he's trying to gain ten pounds of lean muscle and the high-protein diet required for this usually wreaks havoc on his bowels and he doesn't want to be too far from the Oval Office latrine.

At this point, you're probably making a frowny face and thinking: "Hmm."

Ahh, but that's all OK now, right?  Because he's back now!  He's a published author, he's bulked up considerably and looks like a male supermodel - let's get to it, let's lead the nation!

First things first, though: you know how sometimes you have a job to do, but there's this other thing that you also really want to do?  And you know that if you try to do the job you have to do, you won't do as good of a job because you'll be focusing on the other thing that you really wanted to do?  Yeah, better to just get the other thing out of the way so that when you do get around to doing your job, you'll be able to give it 100%.  So, with that, Mr. President needs two weeks off to learn to surf in Hawaii.

The upside: I bet that two weeks FLIES by, and when Mr. Prez gets back, he'll be a lean, mean, surfing machine and also ready to lead the nation.

Awww, shit.  Mr. President just announces his mid-life crisis and that he's leaving the First Lady to star on a season of The Bachelor.  Biden will be in charge through the summer, thanks for your understanding.  Oh, and by the way, South Korea just sank into the fucking ocean.  Sorry, probably could have helped but I just didn't notice, I was too busy with other things.

We would boot his sorry ass to the fucking moon, and you know it. 

Besides, it’s just so freaking easy for a rock and roll band to bulk up their audience by indirectly appealing to the “hipper” Democratic party by slamming Republicans. Call me wrong, whatever – I personally challenge Eddie Vedder to find five things that the Republican party has done in the past four years that he approves of and promote them in some way on his next album. Spoiler alert: he could do it, but he won’t, because he’s not going to risk offending his crowd. One-sided pansy.

Speaking of, I’m starting to think ANYONE who sides with a political party is being completely snowed. Think about it – these are people who devote their lives to politics. They go to the same schools, study the same things, move to the same capital cities, have dinner in the same restaurants, drink in the same bars, and hit up the same strip clubs afterwards. I suspect – at this point – the two-party system is simply a show meant to divert our attention from the fact that we’re being robbed blind and the country is falling apart around us.

Think about it – what’s the one thing that has been guaranteed to completely distract Americans since the Revolutionary War days?  That's right: a good bad guy. And that’s exactly what our two parties have become to one another – supervillains for the opposing party (that’s why each party has gone to the extreme left/extreme right). I dunno. I could be wrong. But I could be right, too. Next time you observe paparazzi photos of your favorite idiot Senator walking out of a strip club with an Assemblyman from the opposing party and they’ve both got streaks of white powder under their nose, try NOT to think of the poor hooker’s butt they’ve been snorting off of all night while they laugh hysterically about what suckers we are, OK?

4. They use political messages to hedge their bets.

I maintain – always have – that music (at least music of the rock & roll variety) and politics have no place together. With the notable exception of Bonzo Goes to Bitburg (Ramones), the quickest way to turn me off any song or band out there is to inject either a) any religion other than devil worship, or b) a political message.

But rock stars who attempt to appeal to the liberals?  Come on man.  How is anyone fooled into thinking you're doing anything other than expanding your fan base? Rock stars who attempt to appeal to the liberal mentality are hedging their bets as we all know that rock music - generally speaking - in and of itself speaks of - and appeals to - a more liberal (or maybe simply "less conservative") lifestyle. "Well, if they don't get into my music completely, maybe they'll still buy a ticket or two because they like the message." No, pussy - be a man. Your job is music. Make good music.

For my money, Vedder's anti-GOP stance would be reason enough to sell all my Pearl Jam CDs even if the band put out top-notch music (which they do not, open your ears, people). His anti-George W stance was so obvious, predictable, and TEDIOUS that I think it made me throw up once or twice.

The only thing I can think of in recent history that made me sicker was Super Size Me. For those of you hailing from North Korea or a different solar system, Super Size Me was the vehicle that Morgan Spurlock used to deliver his name into all our household vocabularies and a bunch of our money into his bank accounts.

I would pay $1,000 for an audio recording that I could keep of Chef Gordon Ramsey calling this chode up, barking "Donkey!" into the phone when Morgan answered, and hanging up.

Here's the gist of it: the mildly-photogenic-but-knuckle-dragging Spurlock sought out the largest, most notorious fast food chain in the world at around the time when the pendulum of American tastes were starting to shift away from burger & fries-type meals to the fresher, healthier alternatives (sushi, Subway, etc): Spurlock selected McDonald's.

McDonald's - already on the ropes over the fact that, by and large, they didn't represent one of the healthier choices available in the fast food department - didn't know Spurlock was up to at all. Spurlock took a four-week period and ate the largest ("super size") meals available, three meals a day. He filmed himself during this period and ultimately released the footage, aka Super Size Me.

Here's what happened: [spoiler alert] an uninspired hack got fat [end spoilers]. McDonald's - who couldn't respond during Mr. Spurlock's gluttonyfest because they didn't know about it (but surely they would have made a public statement encouraging Mr. Spurlock to eat healthier had he been up front with them about what he was doing) - in a direct response to this documentary, removed the "super size" option from their menu. Congratulations, America; this is the entire and direct reality resulting from your mindless embrace of Morgan Spurlock:

1. Morgan Spurlock achieved fame and all the trimmings (power, influence, etc.).
2. Morgan Spurlock got a ton of your money.
3. YOU lost out on a choice: the choice to super-size your McDonald's meals.

I have a question: Morgan KNEW he would get fat if he did what he did. Before the film even existed, any one of us would have predicted the same outcome upon hearing the circumstances: you can't a) lead a largely sedentary lifestyle, b) eat 3,500 calories per day and c) not expect consequences. Morgan, in an attempt to ridicule McDonald's and prop himself up on our backs, made the choice to do it anyway. Yet McDonald's took the heat for his decision.

So...who's the idiot here? Am I missing something? How have you people not tarred and feathered this cocky fuck? Anytime the American public loses out on a CHOICE, we all LOSE. Morons.

Do you see the similarities here? There's nothing honorable about appealing to a group based upon the group's pre-existing suspicions or beliefs by villainizing someone or something in an attempt to broaden your fan base (or, in Spurlock's case, create one).

5. They won't STFU about how much integrity they want us to think they have.

I won't pretend that I have a 100% in-depth understanding of what Google Plus is intended for...but I'm willing to bet it's not this shit that gets delivered daily to my face:

___

And thus we conclude the Worst Band of All Time series.  Fuck you, Eddie Vedder.  I never want to see your face again.

PS nice comments up there, P.J. fans.  Brilliant.  Oh well.

Happy weekend all!

- D.H.